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I came up with a melody and this title a few days ago as I was waking up.
I started this one by just writing a chorus.
Be honest; is this title or chorus strong enough to compete in the current commercial markets?
Any nits?

TELL ME I DID SOMETHING WRONG
(C) Cal Skomski 2006

chorus
Tell me I did something wrong
Tell me I’m mistaken
Is there a new love waiting
I feel a bit [contrite] so slighted uninvited
Every day without you makes me feel so sad
Tell me I did something wrong
Then I won’t feel so bad

I need a push sometimes to get going.

Cal


"Contrite" wil be removed on the re-write;
and the line re-written.

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http://www.soundclick.com/calskomski












[This message has been edited by Cal (edited 02-11-2006).]

Long time no talk to, Cal
(You still mad cause I didn't send you my songs?)

Tell me I did something wrong
Tell me I’m mistaken
Is there a new love waiting
I feel contrite, slighted, uninvited (which word do you want--or all of them?)
Every day without you is sadly
Tell me I did something wrong
Then I won’t feel so badly


->tease?

something I have yet to do is write a Chorus first-- I know, I know------------

I start with the STORY!

annie

Just to bump you

This song is a lyrical dead end. The word contrite is not conversational.

The song is masochistic.

Cal, I gave you a MILLION DOLLAR IDEA.

"Everybody Dance the Million Dollar Polka"

Hi annie-
I wasn't mad- although a bit dis-appointed.
Hoped to help you out if I could.
I eventually met with Ronnie Cantrell, the president of Destiny Row Records- Nashville.
He is thinking about using one of my songs on his most recent artists next CD.
She is 14 years old- her name is Kelsey.

www.totallykelsey.com
or
www.destinyrow.com

Anyways, you made a made a good point about line 4-
I was thinking about removing contrite.
Yes; I do things backwards sometimes- now to work on a new fresh approach for the verses/story.

Tnx

Cal

http://www.soundclick.com/calskomski








[This message has been edited by Cal (edited 02-09-2006).]

BAl-
Any comments are welcome; but you don't have a clue of what the concepts are in this chorus do you?
So, I'll "clue" you in.
First off, this is not a song- just the "chorus."
A song will be built around this chorus.
There are many fresh and unique possibilities for the approach I may take.
When the song is finished, the lyric will suit both male, and female vocalists.
Think about it; the character in the chorus hopes he/she has done something wrong- rather than find out he/she has lost his/her lover to another.
Sweet and simple- but clever.
Masochistic? Shows where your head is at-
In the toilet? You're dreaming.
If you like that Polish idea so much, then you write the song- it's not up my alley.

Cal


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http://www.soundclick.com/calskomski

[This message has been edited by Cal (edited 02-09-2006).]

Cal, you have to remember that when a person is singing a song - they are singing to an audience.

Tell me I did something wrong

Just invites heckling. The hook! The hook!

This is not a song that makes us like the singer ...

Is there a new love waiting?

No woman is going to say that!

[This message has been edited by BigAppleLyricist (edited 02-09-2006).]

Bal-
I posted this topic on two other forums, and so far, I have had all positive comments regarding the title/hook, and most of the lyric in the chorus.
It's a go!

You are entitled to your opinions.
You made a very negative comment about my song:
"I Don't Know Why You Still Love Me"
a while back; saying the lyric was cruel and you hated it.. that's O.K. but;
that same song just happens to be the one I mentioned to annie in one of my previous posts on this thread.
Both Ronnie the CEO, and Jane the A&R person for the label, both mentioned several times, while I was at the label, that they really "LOVED" that song.
All of the people in my neck of the woods also really like it too.

Cal
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http://www.soundclick.com/calskomski











[This message has been edited by Cal (edited 02-10-2006).]

Back again Cal,

First, I don't like her (Kelsey's) voice.

Second--you said it would cost me nothing -unless--?--?????
and that 'killed' it right there!

annie

Unless what?


http://www.soundclick.com/calskomski


[This message has been edited by Cal (edited 02-09-2006).]

Hi, Cal -

The placement of the title/hook stopped me dead in my tracks the first four or five times I read it because there were several possibilities for interpretation. If you choose to leave it where it is, make certain you lead into it with a verse strong enough to eliminate the ambiguity.

I'd love to see the finished draft when you get it done. cue

Thanks cue!

Tell me I did something wrong- one concept
+
Tell me I'm mistaken
Is there a new love waiting? 2nd concept
[we don't know if there is someone else]

(Tell me I did something wrong)
Then I won't feel so bad. 3rd concept

In a nutshell;
Please, tell me there's no one else;
Maybe we can save this relationship.
"If I'm the problem, I'LL CHANGE!"
It's all pretty simple if you don't over analyze it.

Cal

http://www.soundclick.com/calskomski




[This message has been edited by Cal (edited 02-09-2006).]

Every single line is negative and self-deprecating.
Not one line is why they love you.
There are no word pictures.
How can they be contrite when they don't know what they did wrong?



[This message has been edited by BigAppleLyricist (edited 02-09-2006).]

Bal-
Please read my replies more carefully.
I mentioned in my reply to annie, I was going to remove contrite.

Cal

http://www.soundclick.com/calskomski


[This message has been edited by Cal (edited 02-09-2006).]

Hi Cal,

Nice to meet ya.

I think I can see where you’re going with this. A few years ago I had some success with my song “When I’m Wrong”.

Of course you know it’s hard to judge just a chorus but here goes:
Title/Hook: “TELL ME I DID SOMETHING WRONG” doesn’t spark my interest. Maybe “I Want to be Wrong” or “Was it Me”. I don’t know, it just didn’t make me go hmmn.

Structure: You rhymed line 2 and 3 and 5 and 7. I’d have to hear the music but reading it, the rhymes and rhythm felt awkward.

I’m with the rest on the word “contrite”, but I can see what you were trying to do in that line.

Checked out “Organ Iced”. Not too shabby. Good luck.

Iggy
www.badbetsy.com

“When I’m Wrong” http://www.badbetsy.com/music-14.html

Thanks Iggy-
Glad to meet you too.
I see you caught that forced rhyme in lines 2&3; the "aye" sound in mistaken, and waiting.
I don't like perfect rhymes all of the time;
tends to get boring.
Eliminating "contrite:"
slighted and uninvited are linked together with an internal rhyme in line 4-
with the "eye" sound.
The me's and feel's are linked with the "ee" sound through out the song-
they are also, an internal rhyme in line 5.
The only perfect rhyme is sad, and bad.
I didn't do this intentionally, but naturally.
Believe me, it works with the music.
I do have an off-beat style don't I?
If one wishes to make it in this business,
being different sometimes, may be the ticket to the publishing deal the last writer missed, by being to conventional.

Tnx for the listen, and comments regarding my first post on soundclick.

Cal

http://www.soundclick.com/calskomski




[This message has been edited by Cal (edited 02-10-2006).]

only Reba M ?
can get away with rhyming
fighter
with
survivor!

hey- you're still out there.
You see my point then.

Cal

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http://www.soundclick.com/calskomski

*I* see it but many people on this board want such exact rhymes that is it mind-boggling!

--but then we are just the wannabees and suppose we have to do better!
annie

Well since I was the only person who commented on the rhyming pattern, I’m going to assume (yes I know what that words means) that Annie’s exact rhyme comment was directed toward me. Additionally many moons ago I posted a song called “Wannabees” so again, my knee jerk response is it’s toward me. I hope I’m wrong.

Man feelings sure do run amuck on this forum. Including mine!

Iggy, Iggy

Not at all

There are many on here who do not want internal rhymes, or false rhymes, or rhymes as Cal mentioned with the "hard "i" mid word-

"slighted and uninvited are linked together with an internal rhyme in line 4-
with the "eye" sound"

- I say that many of them work--especially when the lyrics are *sung*!!

My post was in defence of Cal's own post!

annie

Gee Cal

one chorus is netting you many responses and we don't even know the story!!

annie

Hey Annie,

OK, sorry my apologies. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the true meaning of someone’s post without the benefit of looking them in the eye.

I appreciate your quick clarification. I'm all better now.

I’m only here to please not to tease.

NP Iggy

annie

I am a true rhyme freak, but I tolerate vowel rhymes in others IF they work, and that's a big IF.

The song has to be satisfying. Something that songwriters want to sing.

I think Cal writes too many "LOSER" songs and most of them are killjoy songs.

I've had conversations and correspondence with Cal and he's a rather UPBEAT and positive and helpful and generous kinda of guy, and if he would only put THAT guy's personality into his songs - he'd be writing HITS!

If I were his manager, I'd say I want to see you write an act for yourself that expresses you. The kind of act that would make you irresistable to women!
No loser songs.
Songs about you, your life, your friends and TRAVEL, and family.
At the end of every song, the audience would know a little bit more about you.
By the end of the set - they would love you!

[This message has been edited by BigAppleLyricist (edited 02-10-2006).]

I gave my opinions, and felt this post was a bit of a rant; so I deleted it.
I still stand by what I said.

Cal




[This message has been edited by Cal (edited 03-21-2006).]

At least I know that this isn't selling - even in Milwaukee:

"I feel a bit contrite so slighted uninvited"

You should've taken that job in Hollywood.

PS You don't know ANYTHING about my career.

[This message has been edited by BigAppleLyricist (edited 02-12-2006).]