JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum Willow Tree - rewrite!!

Linda, I think you've set up a good sketch with heaps of potential, but for the song to be commercial I suspect the story would need to be filled out more so that details would grab and keep the listeners' interest. As is, it's confusing rather than scary. Some questions do need to be answered.

The hook, while attractive in itself - who doesn't love willow trees? - in fact has little to do with the story. I'd suggest re-thinking the chorus, or perhaps making the willow tree significant in the first verse. Maybe they first met under the willow tree, or married there, or whatever. Just something to tie the verses to the chorus in a way that highlights the importance of the tree.

Actually, I think you have the good possiblility of a couple of different stories here: e.g. "the man who got away". This would be an interesting twist on the usual romantic "man who got away" theme.

You mention you already have a melody, so I won't comment on flow/metering.

A few other suggestions/comments are below. Keep or sweep.

Donna


Old-school blues/folk.

Linda

Willow Tree

by Linda Adams
© 2010 All Rights Reserved.

They say you were my husband
And I tell them it's all true, Why "all"? Is it not only about him being her husband?
But if they'd told me forty years ago
Babe the day will would come to you Though I may be wrong, I think "babe" is more likely to be used by a young woman describing a current event, rather than by an old woman - as described in the outro - thinking back to a situation that happened 40 years ago. In addition, it's not clear whether "babe" is directed at the man by the woman, or by "they" to the woman. And who's "they"?

That I'd say you were a stranger
And I never knew your mind,
I'd-a never believed the awful fate What fate? The fact she was betrayed by her husband/lover?
That was bound to be all mine Why "all"?

Oh how I'll always remember
The night we got out away from it all Away from what? This introduces a new element that might be better placed in a preceding verse.
Newborn grass soft under my skin Lots of "s" sounds in this line and the next. Could be hard to get a clean vocal. Actually, I feel the chorus would work better without lines 2 & 3. It would be more dramatic and leave a more memorable image: namely, the kisses sweeter than sin and the making love.
Your kisses sweeter than sin
And I never knew the trouble you were in
When we made love
Underneath the willow tree
Underneath the willow tree

Though the melody would likely need to be altered, you could have something like:

Oh I'll always remember
Your kisses sweeter than sin
And how I never knew
The trouble you were in
When we made love
Beneath the willow tree
Beneath the willow tree

And before the light of morning
You saddled up and rode away
And I never laid eyes on you again
Did’ya ever cry like I did that day

You never said the posse
Was already on its way
To bring me in for questioning
'Bout the man who got away It's not immediately clear who the man is.

{Inst break over chorus, or sing chorus}

Oh I'm tired and cold
and my soul has been sold, The event took place 40 years ago, but use of the present perfect ("has been") implies the selling of the soul is a recent occurrence. I feel there'd be more poignancy if the past tense were used ("and my soul was sold").
been sold, but not by me

Oh I'm worn and I’m old
and my soul has been sold,
been sold, but not by me

By the man who got away In what way did he sell her soul? To whom? It's clear that he betrayed her in a particularly cruel way, but what did/does this have to do with her soul?
The man who got away

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