Hi Moker,

It's a great title, however
Starting a line of with 'n seems a bit irritating for me,
You tell a lot without creating emotion .
I cant believe his heart would resemble a lump of coal, and then wake up with feelings , seems a bit too much of a transition,
If we knew that he'd been hurt before , that could be different.

If your lines told us why you feel this way about her, it would all sound much more real.

<I like the way> Et-cetera don't set up the line with emotion it's constant telling.

I know you can do better I like the variation of line length.

I think you are a talented writer, I have been lucky enough to hear your stuff, but this one needs a lot of work

Sincerely Matt


Without the right music your clever lyrics will never be heard, if you want success be prepared to re write many times and even change the meter you chose originally