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Lot Long
by Gary E. Andrews - 11/10/26 11:20 AM
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 7,357
Top 20 Poster
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Top 20 Poster
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 7,357 |
The chorus is lifeless... 'cause it "tells" instead of "shows" the point of your lyric. There are a lot of awkward, backward, and unconversational lines... seemingly written for rhyme alone. So, in summary... show don't tell in the chorus; make the lines more conversational. At the same time, it also needs a bit more poetry... the lines of the bridge, in particular, are so straightforward.... but... Avon or Old Spice... that's hilarious. That's the only line I'd keep. ![[Linked Image]](http://www.justplainfolks.org/ubb/wink.gif)
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