Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,240 Likes: 6
Top 25 Poster
|
Top 25 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,240 Likes: 6 |
Hi David and welcome to JPF. I like what you're trying to do and the melody is really good. But it's very long for that tempo and unnecessarily so. To me, it could use some more show, rather than just telling us the town is a bummer. And no one can leave?
It seemed a little odd that you described you and your son as
having lost the fire down below. I'm guessing you meant your wife but grammatically, it refers to your son. And who is the "you" he's dreaming about and sleeping next to? I think that should be "we" and "us".
Maybe take three minutes off it, think about the grammar and write an image that puts the audience in the town.
Last edited by couchgrouch; 11/17/19 06:19 PM.
|
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
|
Forums118
Topics129,171
Posts1,186,185
Members21,480
| |
Most Online236,505
Jul 1st, 2026
|
|
|
"Do not endeavor to be the smartest kid in a dumb class. Instead, you are better off being the dumbest kid in the smartest class, where you will be challenged and you will learn. If you aren't growing, you are dying." -Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|
