JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum HoneyBee B210---in process of re-write...thanks guys- link closed

Hi guys, this is one I wrote about a year or more ago, for a challenge to write about a car. I remembered one from my teenage years, and used that, thus Honeybee B210, which was made by Datsun.

I finally found a co-writer/singer/musician in Chris Woods from SongU. It is stillin it's working stage, but we hope we are honing in on it. How is it? I want honesty please, but be gentle..hehehe

We would greatly appreciate any comments and/or suggestions for this one. Thanks!

** I already see that SWEET is perhaps used too often in verse one, and would love alternatives, if you have any ideas you would like to offer up~~

EDIT--in process of re-write so I have taken down the link..thanks so much guys for your suggestions!!

Her daddy woulda met me with a shot gun,
if he'd knew ‘bout me and Jennie’s kinda fun
in my yellow Datsun, black stripe down ‘er side
Lord, have mercy, that was a sweet, sweet ride
we'd buzz off for some burgers and fries
tires hitting the curb and a tease from her sweet blue eyes
sweet blue eyes


Chorus

Honey Bee Honey Bee
the ride that meant the world to me
I've never felt so wild and free
Like we did back then
in my Honey Bee
Man, that girl was good to me
When I took my Jennie for a spin
in my little Honey Bee, a B210


Parking at the lake behind Carter's Barn
cooler in the back of that hatchback car
suntan legs hanging off the dock
skinny dipping and sipping on Rolling Rock
Soaking wet hair matted ‘round her freckled face
that girl did it for me, made my heart race
Oh yeah

Repeat Chorus

Bridge
Carter's barn’s fallen down now
but Jennie and I are still around
and when the moods right on a moon lit night
I take my Jennie for a midnight spin
again and again...

Repeat Chorus

© Kimberly Hales Kime/Chris Woods

Hi Kim,

I'm not sure why this hasn't had any comments I really like it.
I love this guys voice I think it's perfect for this song! The 1st thing that came to me about this song is the title. I think it's a cool title BUT that would make the singer my age or maybe a little older, lol. I don't think that's a good idea. I've been taught that image is so important and no one wants to sound old so I suggest changing the title to something that would make them no older than in their 30's.

The next thing is musical. I think the chorus sounds very much like the verses.

I was also told that to use the hook more than 2 times in the chorus is over using it. I was told that by Craig Bickhard and I'm not saying he's right just sharing info. I think I would change her name too I'm not sure but I think that name's been used in a lot of songs and it kinda dates to song to me too.

I like that the bridge brings it up to date. I know that the music is different but I think if it was just a little more different that might be better.

I hope I was a little help. I think you’re working on a very commercial song and with that thought MAYBE (I could be wrong) if it was a tad faster if might be more pitchable.

Dottie

Kimberly, Sweet song. But you're right about the 1st V, Maybe if you use a flower color instead of "sweet blue" maybe "violet" or "cornflower."

I agree with Dottie, there could be more variety to the melody(s) V CH BR

I heard a few unneeded words, breaking the flow, Let the singer eliminate any unnecessary conjunctions or pronouns. Remember a note can be held and a pause is a musical note.

JMO find another phrase for one of the two lines in the chorus that end in to me.

In the bridge "in the moon light' might be more compatible with midnight (the "mmm" "ite" sound spacing)

I hope I don't sound sharp with all these comments, but I have always
admired the completeness of your critiques and I do think this is a great write. KOS

Pam

well i had to log in to tell ya'll this is pretty darn cool!I love a car song,especially when there is a girl involved!Loved the lyrics and melody!Buzz on,honey bee!

Hey Kimberly,

That's a fun summer song.

Thoughts ? I think you could refer to both Jennie and the car as "Honey Bee". eg Me and my Honey Bee in My Honey Bee

The double entendre can be somtimes cliched, but here I think it would work in this context. It would be obvious when you're referring to the person, and obvious when you're referring to the car. Introduce the car, then introduce the person of the same name.

"Jennie" annoys me, she's coming between a man and his car.

Anyways, I thinks it's a song worth working on. It's fun and quirky and has a good feel.

cheers, niteshift

Ps - the word "heart" needs to be "heartbeat' to meter properly.

I love the dreamy aspect at the end of your song, and I can picture that honeybee catacomb-ed in a landfill somewhere. great write Kimberly~~~~MFB III

Yes faster is something I was talking to Chris about, thought I think he was leaning toward keeping it slow like that American Honey song by Lady A...but maybe since he will hear that also from songu, he will consider it.. Thank you Dottie!!!!

Not sharp at all Pam, and thanks for the compliment on my critiques. I try to be helpful though some may take it that I am telling them what to do or being too critical. I am just going by my gut instinct when I hear it or read it. I am glad you liked it for the most part. It is still in its new phase.-- I hope when we post it again you will check it out-- Kim

Thank you Michael, I am glad you liked it!! I like car songs too...:)

Kim

Thanks so much for all the advice you have offered me on this Nite, here and through pm's. I will be taking that all to my collaborator and hopefully you will check it out when we get a revised version!-- Kim

Thanks MFB-- In my mind, he still has the car and the woman...he restored the car and kept the girl, the best of both worlds...


I am a hopeless romantic


Kim

Hi Kimberly,

Nice tune, very PLEASANT.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

It's a nice song Kim. Well thought out and crafted. It's a very pleasant sounding demo you have. The production is appealing.

I'm not sure it's all that commercial. Datsun's weren't terribly 'sexy' back then, and I'm not sure they're much more 'sexy' as classic cars. Also, I personally have no knowledge of either the 'honeybee' or the 'b210' so those names don't evoke anything in me as a listener.

V2 is a lot better than V1 lyrically IMO. It's got great images. V1's just sort of setting the scene. It needs some work to set the scene AND be more evocative.

Melodically, I think in line 5 of the verses you need to pick up the energy. Right now line 5 goes to the same spot, energy-wise, as lines 1 and 3. You need a bit of a pre-chorus at that spot. At least that's what I'm hearing.

Sorry, I'm sure you're not excited by this, but I know you're trying to write commercially, and it's in that vein I'm offering this.

It's a nice, solid tune IMO, but needs some work to be commercial.

Peace,

Ian

Thanks so much Calvin!!!:)

Thanks Ian, I appreciate your time and advice.