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Hey everyone, its been awhile and I haven't been keeping up with the writing much these days getting pretty rusty. Would love a Collab on this one if anyone is interested or any suggestions would be awesome. This song definitely needs more so any help is sweet. Here goes.


Dirty Wings


V1
You were such an angel
When you were just a girl
Could heal the blind with a smile
And melt an ice made world

V2
Now your all but a lady
Manners don't matter no more
Your smile has turned an upside down
And your world has closed its doors

C1
Your wings are dirty now
The feathers falling down
When they hit the cold hard ground
Its like embers burning out

V3
Where did you go wrong
What made you walk alone
If you ever need me I'll be here
To help you find your way home

C1
Your wings are dirty now
The feathers falling down
When they hit the cold hard ground
Its like embers burning out


Out
Your wings are dirty now 4x




Help me! thanks, cheers

Hey, can't help you out, but I do like what you have so far and I'll be watching to see how it goes...

glyn

I bet this one is about a parent whose daughter has somehow gone astray whether it be through alcoholism, drugs, or some other type of misfortune. Good luck with this one.

Peace,
Brian

I like it, but perhaps it needs some refinement.

As I read it, the metrics of the chorus seem very similar to the verses. Maybe it would be a relief from the verses if the chorus was slightly different:

Your wings are dirty now
Feathers falling down
Hitting the cold hard ground
Like embers burning out

Just an idea, no biggy!

Andy

The images of "dirty wings," "fallen," and "cold hard ground" are powerful and extremely sad. Isn't their any regret or hope? I'd almost like to see V3 as a chorus with the last line including "dirty wings" just to emphasize that you are "still there."

I like this.
Needs maybe another verse or two otherwise it could be too short.

Maybe last verse something like;

"I aways called you angel
Told you stories while you slept
Now we both have seperate dreams of
Promises we never kept".

Pamela and adf's suggs are good.

Hey everyone thank you for your comments I really appreciate it. What I am thinking of doing is just making V1 and 2 one verse adding more to V3 and possibly a bridge. And yea the verse is similar to the C I like your quickend Idea for sure Andy. What you guys think should I give her another go?

Don't stop now.
I can already hear the tune.

LOL right on can you sing it to me? JK but I was meaning should I turn V1 and 2 into just 1 verse add more to V3 and add a bridge?

Hey Aaron,
it's important to avoid cliché rhymes, unnecessary words, and helping verbs such as am, are. is, was, and were...because they tend to tell instead of show what's going on. Tweaks below, keep or sweep

V1
You were such an angel
When you were just a girl
Could heal the blind with a smile
And melt an ice made world (girl/world are cliché rhymes)

How about:
Such a beautiful angel
Like a God-sent child
You could melt an ice-made world
And heal the blind with a smile


V2
Now you're (hidden [color:#FF0000]"are"[/color]) all but a lady
Now no one calls you a lady
Manners don't matter no more
Your smile has turned an upside down
And your world has closed its doors

C1
Your wings are dirty now (Say something like "I see your dirty wings")
The feathers falling down
When they hit the cold hard ground
Its like embers burning out

V3
Where did you go wrong
What made you walk alone
If you ever need me I'll be here
To help you find your way home

That would do it.
Vic

Hi Aaron,

You've written some very powerful images in this song. Are you writing this from personal experience or about someone you know? I've known a couple of people like this in my life, hence why I asked.

I think what others have come up with for these lyrics are good suggestions. Like you said, I think this needs a bridge, just something else to add to the story. I'd like to see some kind of hope for the person you're singing this about, otherwise it becomes very bleak (even if that's how life is sometimes).

Good luck with this! What kind of genre are you looking at for this one?

Hey Shayne I like the comments but I was wondering how else can I put past tense in without were? does "Once" work?

Once I saw an angel
Once a little girl
Could heal the blind with a smile....

Also I know cliched rhymes are a no-no but I cant really follow that. Look at Micheal Jackson's "Liberian Girl" the song is based on the cliche. Not to many good rhymes or near rhymes for girl. I tend to think of one rule and forget the next a lot .

I watch your dirty wings
Feathers falling down
Hitting the cold hard ground
Like embers burning out.

Is this better???

Thanx Vic I will work on it.

Hi Ann, thank you for reading and commenting on my lyrics. Yes this one is personal. I think I will write a bridge to do something with always being able to change your course, you just need to want to.

I didn't really have a genre picked yet.

Hi Aaron/Folks-

The truth of the matter is;
songwriting rules are made to be followed;
but also can be broken...if it works for the song.

Best bet, if you wish to use an idea, or phrase that has been used before,
say it in a fresh, unique and original way.

You retain the old idea, and draw in the listener's attention with adding
the "spin" on your new creation.

Publishers are always looking for new ideas.
Being different can give you that edge it takes
to get that cut, the last writer missed, by being to conventional.

A couple examples of spins on catch phrases.

Alanis Morrisette- HEAD OVER FEET
You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Cal- I WANNA LOVE YOU TONIGHT
I'll be leavin' by the break of light
I WANNA LOVE YOU TONIGHT.



~C~

Hey Aaron Love the story of the song, love the changes suggested,
just free your mind of the original pattern and add the changes with a touch of your own soul thrown in for good measure, you've got a great song possibility here,.~~~~MFB UUUI