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#834739 - 08/03/10 02:52 AM The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback  
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Jen Shaner Offline
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This originally started as a poem but I've toyed with adding lines and making it into song lyrics. If it isn't right for a song, say so. If with work it could be, then point me in the right direstion please. Thanks- Jen

The Conversation

Hello dear friend. Itís been awhile
The years have come and gone
I feel Iíve been in darkness and
just now can see the dawn
Thereís been a lot of tough times and
Iíve cried too many tears
Though times I smile, remembering
Iíve missed you all these years

*CHORUS
The hands of time moved forward
while I lived in the past
wondering what could have been
and why some things canít last
Now itís time to carry on
accept what cannot be
Iím welcoming the sunlight
At last Iím breaking free

Samanthaís getting taller and
my mom is doing well
Marie is now a mother. There
is so much news to tell
Our Lily got her braces off
in time for the Spring dance
Already three young men have called
with hopes to have a chance

My daddyís now not far from you
He finally got his wish
Last time we got together he
showed Timmy how to fish
As for me I havenít done
all I set out to do
With you gone I havenít had
the strength to follow through

But these are not the reason why
I came to you today
Through all the secrets that we shared
thereís one I couldnít say
Iíve loved you more than anyone
Perhaps you always knew
And I have often wondered if
you may have loved me too

I realize that Iím too late
but this I had to say
Iíll lay these flowers on your stone
and then be on my way


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#837092 - 08/12/10 07:01 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Shaner]  
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shaun Offline
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jnxd4evr13 with a little bit of work
you have a song there all the best shaun

#837196 - 08/12/10 07:50 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: shaun]  
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Hi Jennifer:

I really like these lyrics and think that with work you have a fine song here.

I don't know if you wanted suggestions but if you do let me know and I will try.

God Bless Roy and Helen


'You Have To Kiss A Lot Of Frogs To Find A Prince'

Our Record Label
#837270 - 08/13/10 02:22 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Roy Cooper]  
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I am always appreciative of suggestions. I may not always go with them but often they are quite helpful. I am basically a poet but want to learn the art of writing quality lyrics too. I have gotten many requests for my stuff as songs and don't often know where to begin. Thank you for taking time to read my post and I would love some advice on this one. A customer in line where I work was reading it while waiting and started crying. Several people have said they were moved by it so...yes, help. smile


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#837271 - 08/13/10 02:24 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: shaun]  
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Thanks Shaun. Thanks for reading. Any suggestions on how I can improve this?


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#837303 - 08/13/10 06:48 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Shaner]  
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Hi Jennifer.

You know I came back to add loads of suggestions to your words and blow me down, when I read it more intensly I couldn't find a lot wrong with it IN MY OPINION.

It is quite beautiful when read as is.

I Did have a couple of suggs although maybe they are not need anyway. In CAPS.

One thing that did happen was as soon as I read the first word 'hallo', another song that starts with the same word jumped into my head and was hard to remove. Just a thought.

Anyway my 2 cents are below. You don't get a lot for 2 cents.. lol

Great ending by the way

Speak later. God Bless Roy and Helen


Hello dear friend. Itís been awhile
The years have come and gone
I feel Iíve been in darkness and
just now can see the dawn
Thereís been a lot of tough times and
Iíve cried too many tears
Though times I smile, remembering
HOW Iíve missed you all these years

*CHORUS
The hands of time moved forward
while I WAS LOST in the past
wondering what could have been
and why some things NEVER last
SO itís time to carry on
IíM accepting what cannot be
AND welcoming the sunlight
TODAY Iím breaking free


'You Have To Kiss A Lot Of Frogs To Find A Prince'

Our Record Label
#837330 - 08/13/10 11:28 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Shaner]  
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
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G'Mornin' Mz J!

OK...I've read this twice..DID mist me up as-intended..BUT:

When I analyze this, even-closely, I can't tell if the Deceased is Her Hubby..OR some OTHER Guy the Singer may have had a Crush On in her more-distant past. "OUR Lilly"..seems to indicate she's singing to Her Deceased Hub...but I'm not TOTALLY convinced...as-penned. "& I have often wondered if/you may have loved me too" is WHY I'm not totally-convinced. IF they were Married/created kids, I'd be inclined to think that line wasn't in-the-least necessary or utterable.

&, like one of Brian's I commented on earlier today, I dunno about addressing Deep Loves as "Old/Deep Friend". It's just SO "Shy of the Mark", affection-wise. "Hello Love" would seem to be more Reality-Based...JMO.

Minor Style-Point: In this ever-more-Digital-Age, "The Hands of Time" seems a kinda-dated-cliche. I like the Poesie of your Couplet here, but that phrase IS beginning to Grate whenever I hear it lately.

"I'm welcoming the sunlight/AND at last I'm breaking free" seems to sing smoother in my head this AM...

Minor: "But these are not the reasonS..."

Overall, a tale Well-Told, but, for me, not a totally-believable one. IF he's Her Hubby. (Though, yeah, a "Loveless Marriage" might-well result in those after-life eternal questions.) Guess I need more Details to completely Understand What's Going On.

Good Luck with it...it IS delightfully SAD..yet Hope-Laden.
Best Wishes & Big Hugs,
Stan

#837332 - 08/13/10 11:35 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Roy Cooper]  
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Jen Shaner Offline
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Hi Roy. Thank you so much for your great suggestions! Upon rereading my stuff and comparing what you put down I think you are right.The chorus was my newest addition to this write and I think I rushed putting it down. Thanks again for the help and kind words.
Your new friend,
Jen


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#837334 - 08/13/10 11:49 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: "Tampa Stan" Good (D)]  
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Morning Stan! I was writing it with him being more like a best friend of her and her family whom she may have grown up with but never admitted her true feelings for. Yhe "Our Lily" was originally "young Lily" but then I had written "young men" and thought it was repetitious. I figured "our Lily" was just her referring to another of her family members just as if someone said "our dog" or "our car" in conversation to a friend. It's said that way all the time and the person you are talking to understands and doesn't think you are adding them on as an owner. At least that was where my thoughts were. As for "the hands of time" I will think for awhile and see if I can come up with something else. I was writing at work and just putting down the words that came into my head in between customers. I tend to write in older terms and phrases, possibly because of the old music,and genres I listen to so frequently. Thanks for taking time to read and give me the feedback. I will continue to work on this one a bit and see if I can polish it up.Take care-Jen


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#906573 - 07/03/11 04:03 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Shaner]  
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Hi Jinxy Jen,

I saw this post earlier today and instantly knew I could write a song to this. I've just sat down and had a go and I've found a nice chorus melody for it, although maybe not what you would be imagining. It's a rocky kinda melody.

If you would like me to share it with you please let me know. I've done this for many others but figured I should start asking first before posting melody ideas! smile

I like some of Roy's suggestions. I was singing NEVER on the fourth line of the chorus and then scrolled down to see Roy had suggested that too so I say NEVER smile
The last two lines of the chorus i'm undecided. I like Roy's suggestions but I feel yours work just as well. In fact I feel that maybe the "At last i'm breaking free" could have a stronger impact.

I really like the first verse concept and then the chorus that follows.
On a personal note and from my experience as a songwriter I don't feel that verse two & parts of verse three fit well with it if it were to be a song. Although clearly part of a lovely story, if I were for example wanting to write a commercial song, these just wouldn't IMO fit because they are too personal in effect and it's likely that the listener won't relate to them.
I do however really like the last 4 lines of verse 3.

Good work

I hope to speak to you soon

James



My Band Northfield
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#906628 - 07/03/11 11:59 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: JamesDF5]  
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Dan Sullivan Offline
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Jennifer, I think it would make a real good song lyric. I'd change the first verse and get rid of the chorus and leave most of the rest of it as it is. I'd do it as the 4 1/2 verses with an instrumental break in there. I'd use the first verse to introduce the friend (and call her by her name) and make the usual excuses we make when we pay a friend an overdue visit. You know, stuff like "I've been so busy," "I should have gotten around to see you sooner but there was always something or another going on." Those kinds of little lies we all make up when we see an old friend after a long time. Good luck with it.


Write from your heart, not what you think others want to hear.

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#906864 - 07/05/11 04:56 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Dan Sullivan]  
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Hi Jen,

Stan said everything that I wanted to say -- only he said it better!

If the story is about her husband, then "our Lily" is a beautiful touch!

This does bring on tears!

Lisa

#906892 - 07/05/11 08:45 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: JamesDF5]  
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I am very interested in what you have come up with. You can PM me and we can easily adjust some of the lines and verses. Send me what you have and I will see what lyrics I can adjust to keep it flowing without as much detail. You can also email me at stiljnxd@yahoo.com to send any files. Thanks for taking an interest! I look forward to working with you. smile


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#906893 - 07/05/11 08:47 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Dan Sullivan]  
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Thanks for your suggestions. I'm going to work with James and after hearing what he has so far I will make some lyric adjustments. I'm glad you took time to read and comment.


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#906894 - 07/05/11 09:01 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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Lisa,
Thanks for checking this out. When I wrote it I was considering the person to be speaking to an old friend she/he was actually in love with but never acted upon those feelings. "Our Lily" referred to a younger sibling perhaps. I have had several friends who were very close and involved deeply with my family, almost as if they were family members themselves. Perhaps just saying "Lily" would be enough. I may end up cutting out those details anyway unless others believe they are important to the story line. Hopefully I will have music for this soon.


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#907128 - 07/07/11 05:50 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Shaner]  
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Hi Jen,

Here is the link to my idea:
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/23201924/Jinx%20The%20conversation%20ideas%203.wma

Apologies for the strained vocal, I've not been well. The poor quality of the recording is through my Dictaphone so please bare that in mind.

Certainly it needs some tweaking but the general idea is there.

I would have emailed you but I always think it's nice to see a song grow publicly so I posted it here. I am happy to continue privately if you prefer.

I hope you like it

Take care

JD

Last edited by JamesDF5; 07/07/11 05:51 PM.

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#907185 - 07/08/11 02:44 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Shaner]  
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HiYa Mz J!

For me, the Ultimate Graveside Tearjerker is "Long Black Veil" by..I think..Lefty Frizzell.

This'n' comes Close. I WISH I could figger out just WHO the deceased IS and What WAS his Relationship. (I deduce he's not her hubby...& probably a Close Friend..Male. But my Journalistically-Inclined Mind yearns for More.) We're not sufficiently clued-in WHY she couldn't have just told him he's loved. (ESPECIALLY if she were in a Bad Marriage..which I felt there were clues on that included here.)

Anyways, Very Real..Very Entertaining..Very Inherently Sad. Very Close to being a Classic..when-Perfected.

Good Luck with it, M'LadyChum! Best Wishes & Big Hugs,
Misted-Up Stan

#907257 - 07/08/11 12:06 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: JamesDF5]  
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James,
I do like where you are going with this! The melody is catchy and you sing with a lot of emotion, even ill. Thanks for working on this. I will try to take a look at the lyrics and clean them up a bit. I don't mind you posting publicly. I am curious to see what others think as we work to complete this. Thanks so much!

I'm dropping V2 and the 1st 4 lines of V3...will write something more general to go with them. Do you think the last 4 lines will work as the bridge?

Last edited by Jen "Jinx" Shaner; 07/08/11 12:26 PM.

Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#907262 - 07/08/11 12:37 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: "Tampa Stan" Good (D)]  
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Stan,
Thanks for checking this out again. I think for the song version (originally a poem) I will drop the 2nd and most of the 3rd verse. I think more people will relate and it may be nice to have the story remain a bit of a mystery. I myself am always looking up songs to find out the stories behind them. Some are very surprising! Basically it is one friend talking to someone he/she had a close friendship with but never admitted to the love until it's too late. I know there's many out there who have regrets and questions about the one that got away because they never let on about their true feelings.Think about all of the people searches done these days online, often looking for that old, high school crush. Then, as you said,there are those in bad marriages who refuse to get out and just wonder what could've been. In this case there IS no way of ever knowing since we discover at the end the friend has died. I am like you in that I want to know details but sometimes it's better left a mystery. smile


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#907334 - 07/08/11 06:58 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Shaner]  
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Jen,

Glad you like it. I'm not sure there last 4 of V3 will work as a bridge but there are worth considering for it. Lyrically I'll leave you to develop ideas and hopefully get feedback from members here. I will chip in my two cents but please experiment and enjoy. If I feel something doesn't work with the melody I will of course tell you.

It's hard to know whether this song will become anything but if written well you never know, especially if one of us ever breaks into the industry or pitches it to the right person.

I feel this could be a fairly commercial song so think about that when you write. I know a lot of writers here have different ideas about writing but my feelings for a commercial song that is going to be pitched to an artist are that they should:

1. Be simple in plot,
2. Be easy to follow and understand. (Self writing artists can get away with anything pretty much but when pitching to artists the song subject and body needs to be obvious to an extent).
3. Be memorable. E.g. A phrase or line of the song that sticks in your head. Not all of it but just one killer hook line can really sell a song.

That's what I'd like us to strive for with this song.

I'm on my holidays now for a week so I shall speak to you soon

Take care

James


My Band Northfield
Our Videos
#907587 - 07/10/11 02:22 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: JamesDF5]  
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Jen Shaner Offline
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Here are the modified lyrics I have so far. Opinions welcomed. I probably have more work to do. I've had a busy week with 1 friend and 2 family members in the hospital...been a bit tired and not thinking too straight. Anyways, this is what I have now and I'm happy for any feedback on the changes.

The Conversation

V1
Hello dear friend. Itís been awhile
The years have come and gone
I feel Iíve been in darkness and
just now can see the dawn
Thereís been a lot of tough times and
Iíve cried too many tears
Though times I smile, remembering
Iíve missed you
I've missed you
I've missed you all these years

*CHORUS
The hands of time moved forward
while I lived in the past
wondering what could have been
and why some things can never last
Now itís time to carry on
accept what cannot be
Iím welcoming the sunlight
At last Iím breaking free

V2
All around me thigs have changed
while I felt left behind
Going through motions of living
you've always been on my mind
So you see I haven't done
all I set out to do
with you gone I haven't had
the strength
the strength
without strength to follow through

(Chorus)

V3
Which leads me to the reason why
I come to you today
Through all the secrets that we shared
there's one I couldn't say
Iíve loved you more than anyone
Perhaps you always knew
And I have often wondered if
you may have
you may have
you may have loved me too

Bridge

I realize that Iím too late
but this I had to say
Iíll lay these flowers on your stone
and then be on my way

_________________________

Last edited by Jen "Jinx" Shaner; 07/10/11 02:23 AM.

Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#907621 - 07/10/11 06:34 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Shaner]  
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Jen Warner Offline
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Hi, Jen! This one is absolutely beautiful... I thought so from your original post! And now that it is really taking nice form with the melody, I just wanted to share some thoughts about your re-write, kos.

As is, James is singing the last 4 lines of V1 somewhat like a Pre-Chorus. So, I am wondering if your new V2 really adds anything new, unique or necessary all by itself except to lengthen the song, which may be too much when it's all put together. Then, V3 beginning with "Which leads me.." is going to be a little strange no matter what coming right out of the Chorus. This verse worked well the way it was originally written, but now will have a disconnected start.

I suggest combining your new V2 & V3, in a way that will allow him to sing the Pre-Chorus melody twice, the first building into the second, and then booming into the Chorus. Then, he can sing the bridge, and Boom back into the Chorus again for the ending... in my mind, that plays out powerfully.

Here's my suggestion at how to combine, keeping almost all the elements you already have here (I think I've only tweaked a bit, and again take or leave, or change to your liking):

V2
Changing seasons left me behind
Which led me here today
So that I could share with you
One secret I couldn't say
(Pre-Chorus/Build)
You see I haven't done
All I set out to do
I can't go through motions/emotions
Without saying this
Without saying this to you
(Pre-Chorus)
I've loved you more than anyone
Perhaps you always knew
And I have often wondered if
You may have
You may have
You may have loved me, too.

Good luck with it! It really is beautiful, and I like the mystery. I don't think this one needs everything to be spoon-fed!

--Jen


The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.--Mark Twain
#907679 - 07/10/11 01:33 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Warner]  
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JamesDF5 Offline
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Hey Jen,

Jen is right in terms of the second half of the verse being more like a Pre Chorus but that's because the melody rises.

I've just tested the idea of doubling up the 'Pre chorus' and it does work and cold work well. In fact it could work as 3, 4 or 6 lines in length.

In terms of the structure I feel the 'I miss you' is like the rise before the chorus. I often keep the lyrics the same and in this case I actually think the "I miss you" line is the strongest that you have. It scans well and I think if sung with the right emotion can really twang those sad strings.

The structure that I see the song in is this:

V1
Hello dear friend. Itís been awhile
The years have come and gone
I feel Iíve been in darkness and
just now can see the dawn

Pre (Option 1)
Thereís been a lot of tough times and
Iíve cried too many tears
Though times I smile, remembering

Pre (Option 2) Other Jen's but varied
You see I haven't done
All I set out to do
I can't go through emotions
Without saying this to you
I've loved you more than anyone
Perhaps you always knew

Rise
Iíve missed you
I've missed you
I've missed you all these years

CHORUS
The hands of time moved forward
while I lived in the past
wondering what could have been
and why some things can never last
Now itís time to carry on
accept what cannot be
Iím welcoming the sunlight
At last Iím breaking free

V2
All around me thigs have changed
while I felt left behind
Going through motions of living
you've always been on my mind

Pre (Option 3)
You see I haven't done
All I set out to do
I can't go through emotions
Without saying this to you

Rise
Iíve missed you (I miss you)
I've missed you (I miss you)
I've missed you all these years

(Chorus)

Doesn't need a Third verse so choose the best.

Bridge

I realize that Iím too late
but this I had to say
Iíll lay these flowers on your stone
and then be on my way

Chorus

The Pre chorus is very changeable but works musically in any of the three options I have shown to you.

I'm off on my holidays tomorrow so I shall speak to you on my return. Take care

JD


My Band Northfield
Our Videos
#907685 - 07/10/11 02:15 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: JamesDF5]  
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Vicarn Offline
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Jen, I love the lyrics.
Good luck with it.
Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

#907689 - 07/10/11 02:42 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: JamesDF5]  
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Jen Shaner Offline
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Appomattox Va
I've thought about the latest comments and have come up this version. How would this work out?
V1
Hello dear friend. Itís been awhile
The years have come and gone
I feel Iíve been in darkness and
just now can see the dawn

Pre
Thereís been a lot of tough times and
Iíve cried too many tears
Though times I smile, remembering


Rise
Iíve missed you
I've missed you
I've missed you all these years


CHORUS
The hands of time moved forward
while I lived in the past
wondering what could have been
and why some things can never last
Now itís time to carry on
accept what cannot be
Iím welcoming the sunlight
At last Iím breaking free

V2
Iíve loved you more than anyone
Perhaps you always knew
And I have often wondered if
you may have loved me too

Thereís been a lot of tough times and
Iíve cried too many tears
Though times I smile, remembering

Rise
Iíve missed you
I've missed you
I've missed you all these years

(chorus and then instr. break)

BRIDGE
I realize that Iím too late
but this I had to say
Iíll lay these flowers on your stone
and then be on my way†

(Final Chorus)





Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#907692 - 07/10/11 02:52 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Warner]  
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Jen Shaner Offline
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I've considered your comments and James. I've re-written it again and will see what others think. I'm glad you like the mystery of it. Another scenario I thought of today is of someone being away in the military or due to another job. Often someone feels the love but does not want to voice it in a letter but wait until they are again face to face. In this case the person died suddenly and never made it back. There are lots of possible stories one could imagine with this. Thanks for listening and commenting. I hope you continue to follow this song as we work it out.


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#907693 - 07/10/11 03:00 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Vicarn]  
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Jen Shaner Offline
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Thanks Vic! I always appreciate your thoughts. smile


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#907718 - 07/10/11 08:28 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Shaner]  
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JamesDF5 Offline
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Having studied the chorus more I feel the third line could work better. Not that I don't like the line but melodically it doesn't quite work like line 1 which is it's mirror line. Ideally also the last word would rhyme to 'forward'. It's not essential but nice if it could.

The structure is perfect now. You could as said before do variations with the Pre but otherwise it works well especially as there is the added Rise(extention of the Pre).

As far as the story I don't mind how it goes. My biggest thought is for the flow of the lyrics used. As long as a word doesn't sound awkward in a line the flow will be good.

You're doing great Jen

JD



My Band Northfield
Our Videos
#907722 - 07/10/11 09:46 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: JamesDF5]  
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Jen Shaner Offline
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Appomattox Va
How about changing line 3 in the chorus to read-

"I wonder what could have been"

I brainstormed but think trying to rhyme the last line with "forward" may sound too forced and unnatural. I've listened to a lot of songs today and I don't think any of them had a perfect rhyme pattern so unless someone comes up with a better idea, I'll stick with what I have. Thanks!


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#907916 - 07/12/11 11:54 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Shaner]  
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Jen Shaner Offline
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I was wondering if the title should be changed to "Breaking Free"? It has that phrase in the chorus and seems to sound better than my original title which was used when it was a poem. Any thoughts?


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#909877 - 07/21/11 10:36 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Shaner]  
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JamesDF5 Offline
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Hey Jen,

Yeah that line works pretty well. Breaking Free sounds like a pretty good title to me. It's the obvious option.

I'll do a proper guitar/vocal version of this as soon as I can.

JD


My Band Northfield
Our Videos
#909924 - 07/22/11 02:18 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: JamesDF5]  
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Jen Shaner Offline
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James,
Welcome back! I hope you had a nice holiday. I'm looking forward to hearing the finished song. I'm glad you like the title "Breaking Free".Thanks for taking this on and for all of your encouragement. I really appreciate it! smile


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#910294 - 07/23/11 11:29 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Shaner]  
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Rob T Offline
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Arizona
This has the makings of a really good song, I won't add any more ideas at this point because I think you have way too much to sift through and edit for the time being. Quite simply I"m getting confused by all the dropping and adding and this line and move that line. I would want to take what you have and sift through what works and doesn't then take the alternatives that work and find the combination that is comfortable to you and that brings the song home to you. Maybe at that point it will be time to do some fine tuning. But that's just me talking smile

Rob

#910576 - 07/25/11 01:32 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Rob T]  
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beechnut79 Offline
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There were so many itneresting comments on this one that I don't really know what to add other than I feel you have a soild well-thought-out tearjerker in the workds here. Sometimes in our desire for grander things we just have to sit back and be honest in our expectations. Sometimes finding the right collaborator for a song or the right publisher for a book is akin to finding a needle in a haystack, unfortunately. I may one day solicit you to do a collaboration on something as I am so in awe of the way you write. I might have even PM'd you on this in the past. Have been away from the board for about a month now and it's a bit like starting over again. I too have been told that my stuff smacks more of poetry, but that's really what song lyrics are--glorified poetry.

I do, however, disagree about the "hands of time" line being dated. Clocks with hands are still being used, and sometimes I feel we have succumbed too much to the whims of technology.

Peace,
Brian

#910699 - 07/26/11 01:52 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Rob T]  
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Jen Shaner Offline
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Hi Rob. Thanks for taking time to check this out. The version a few posts up is the finished one. All we did was adjust one line to read better but says the same thing...and we changed the title to "Breaking Free". Hopefully we will have a recording soon. I hope you check back when it's finished.


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#910702 - 07/26/11 01:59 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: beechnut79]  
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Jen Shaner Offline
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Hi Brian. Welcome back! I wondered where you had gone to. Thanks for taking time to read this and offer up your thoughts. I'm glad you enjoyed and would love to collaborate with you sometime. I think the music being written for this works well. I'm looking forward to hearing the finished result. I have some new stuff posted on some of the other boards too and would love your opinion! I'm glad to have you back on the boards and look forward to reading your work as well.


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#937140 - 12/18/11 10:23 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Shaner]  
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JamesDF5 Offline
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Hi Jen,

Thanks for your patience.

Here is a couple of snipets of what the song could turn out like.

First musically:
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/13524799/Hands%20of%20Time%20music%20sample.mp3

Second melodically: (I had to bring the song down as it was just ridiculously too high in the original key)
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/13524799/Hands%20of%20Time%20vocal%20sample.mp3


My Band Northfield
Our Videos
#937205 - 12/18/11 07:31 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: JamesDF5]  
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Vicarn Offline
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When I first saw these lyrics I thought of a gentle Hank Williams or George Jones style of treatment.
You give a good vocal performance here but IMO I think it's a little overpowering for the sentiment. Maybe it's just the shock of hearing what I wasn't expecting to hear. Just my opinion.
Vic



It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

#937222 - 12/18/11 08:33 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Vicarn]  
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Could be right. A flaw in my work is I don't pay enough attention to lyrics. I work with the sounds of the words rather than the meaning. However when I first read the lyrics I thought of Kings of Leon. Something we will never see or hear the same.

J


My Band Northfield
Our Videos
#937273 - 12/19/11 11:08 AM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: JamesDF5]  
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JamesDF5 Offline
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Having listened to this today I'm going to redo this with a breathy soft voice rather than this very harsh sounding vocal.


My Band Northfield
Our Videos
#937280 - 12/19/11 12:41 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: JamesDF5]  
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Jen Shaner Offline
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Hi James,

I do love the melody and power of the song. You can try softer vocals but I have listened to many songs with sad lyrics that were in a louder more, rock style ballad. Your melody sticks in my head and that's a good thing! One thing to keep in mind is that while the lyrics started out very sad, through our changes the song is now kind of a song of closure. Finally, after years of heartbreak, the singer is "breaking free" and stepping back out into a happier place. Therefore the style seems okay to me. Of course I'd love other's opinions. I'll recopy our lyrics so people don't get confused with the original one I wrote.


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#937282 - 12/19/11 12:49 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: JamesDF5]  
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Jen Shaner Offline
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Here's the lyrics again in case people taking a listen to your song sample are thinking of the original at the top. I like the power of the song. While yes, it's sad, it is also a celebration of sorts as the singer has finally found closure and is "breaking free" of the sadness that haunted all the years since the friend's death.


V1
Hello dear friend. Itís been awhile
The years have come and gone
I feel Iíve been in darkness and
just now can see the dawn

Pre
Thereís been a lot of tough times and
Iíve cried too many tears
Though times I smile, remembering


Rise
Iíve missed you
I've missed you
I've missed you all these years


CHORUS
The hands of time moved forward
while I lived in the past
I wonder what could have been
and why some things can never last
Now itís time to carry on
accept what cannot be
Iím welcoming the sunlight
At last Iím breaking free

V2
Iíve loved you more than anyone
Perhaps you always knew
And I have often wondered if
you may have loved me too

Thereís been a lot of tough times and
Iíve cried too many tears
Though times I smile, remembering

Rise
Iíve missed you
I've missed you
I've missed you all these years

(chorus and then instr. break)

BRIDGE
I realize that Iím too late
but this I had to say
Iíll lay these flowers on your stone
and then be on my way

(Final Chorus)


Last edited by Jen Shaner; 12/19/11 12:53 PM.

Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#937284 - 12/19/11 12:59 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Vicarn]  
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Hi Vic,

Thanks for the listen. That's kind of what I was thinking too when I originally wrote the song but as it went through changes I found I like the power of James' version. The song lyrics and new title "breaking Free" seem more like the singer is in a happier place, finally able to again enjoy life and therefore while sad, it's also a celebration of sorts. It was a shock to me at first too but the tune stuck with me and others who never saw the original lyrics like it. It speaks to younger generations too now. I do appreciate your comments my friend. We'll see what others think as well.Thanks, as always. smile


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#937293 - 12/19/11 01:56 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: Jen Shaner]  
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If anyone has heard of Jessie J I actually think this would work in that ballad kinda style. If I can find a female vocal to work it I will.


My Band Northfield
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#940163 - 01/12/12 08:08 PM Re: The Conversation-work in progress,would like feedback [Re: JamesDF5]  
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Jen Shaner Offline
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James,

I was just wondering how things were coming along. I haven't heard of Jessie J but agree it may work well with a female vocal. I do like your voice and style as well and think it's nice to hear a male singing this type of song. I'd like to hear a full version done and get some feedback. I think it may also help you to find a female vocalist if they can hear the entire song to make an opinion. It may get more attention then just the written lyrics...JMO. Anyways, I was just checking in and bumping this back up. Hope you are well.


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner

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