JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Bible Belt (Ruff Demo) Collab. with Travis David

here is the ruff demo of the recent collobration between Travid David and myself.

I call them ruff because that is what they are, very simple guitar and vocals.

We are asking if the overal feel of the song is accomplished and if there are others here, more experienced with recording et al, that might see somethingin it and would like to build on it?

Travis and Douglas

http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=10943119&q=hi

Daddy’s Bible Belt
[07.28.11]

(V)
Daddy would get home late
blame it on his meetins'.
Mama knew he lied,
from the signs that he'd been cheatin'.
Even if she looked away.
Nothing could bode well.
There were many sides to Daddy,
and his bible belt

(A)
Daddy took the pulpit, said
"Practise what I preach".
“Hell-Fire and damnation
are easily in reach.”
But I don't think he listened
to his sermons very well.
He was a lyin’, stinkin’ boozer
who often screamed and yelled.

(B)
Church goers really love to talk,
Daddy surely fuelled their fires.
Soon had him pegged,
knew which way he walked,
as a low down drunkin’, thieving’ liar.

(A)
Rumour was he visited
a local bar room whore.
Who gave him everything he said
he wasn’t getting’ anymore.
Can you all imagine
how my mama felt?
I knew that she kept silent.
'cause she feared that bible belt.

Instrumental/lead

(A)
A scandal finally broke when
Daddy spent church funds.
on a night of drinking gin
and playing twenty one.
The elders shunned and told him
that his soul would go to hell.
It must have when he hung himself
with that bible belt.

Copyright © 2011 John Vaughan & Douglas Murphy

I'm not feeling this guys. It comes off as more of a story you're telling your friend rather than imagery to make me feel the story. I don't think the hook works--is it an actual belt or a region?---never was too clear for me. Sorry...

Zeek

Never say you are sorry Zeek. That is why I post them.

"It comes off as more of a story you're telling your friend rather than imagery to make me feel the story." Any suggestions??

"I don't think the hook works--is it an actual belt or a region?"
That is a very good question.

Believe that the overal story is there and I have appreciated the comments.suggestions we have received so far BUT since this is a practise "They are all practises." there is always room for improvement if not on this one then as we grow and learn on the next there on.

Thanks for stopping by.

Douglas

Hey there Douglas.......
-I think the "Bible Belt" concept is a jewel of an idea.....not too many ideas out there are original....just lots of spinning on old (re)hash. For that, I really applaud you.

-The story is thin,unto itself. I thought of two angles to the "Bible Belt" before I started listening. You got the "hanging" thought. There is also the "spanking" aspect you can delv into. And there are probably more to ponder as food for thought. I alos found the lyric to be really negative..a little too negative.

-The melody is just fine...with a solid story in your lyric it could become Dylan-esc.

I think you have a grand first draft....and again, you've got the hardest element of a song to obtain--- originality!!

-Tom

Nice to meet you Tom. Welcome to JPF.

Thanks for stopping by and your words of encouragement. Like alot of songs here and everywhere it is a work in progress and only heaven knows where it might go.

Douglas

Was thinking of closing this thread down and going to do something else when a thought hit me about this lyric and the "hook". Zeek is right.

The "Bible Belt" is a specific place in the states right? We do not even touch on that and that leads me to the question as to how we got from the "Bible Belt" to an actual belt and a abusive father and husband.

The "hook" (though interesting) doesn't really fit does it?

I like the concept of the song, how the story introduces an abusive, cheating etc.., man, how he affects his son's and wife's lives and how it all turns around on him and gets him in the end BUT (and this is one of them pit falls to song writing) as is there is to much missing OR the hook we decided on needs to be reconsidered??

Any thoughts?

Douglas

Hi, Douglas.. over in the lyric forum, someone commented that you hadn't utilized the "other" meaning of Bible belt.. I assumed they were referring to the geographic bible belt here in the U.S.

I kind of kept expecting you to build that into the song and give it meaning in that direction, and I thought it was a good idea.

I think the twist this one needs is the contrast between the geographic Bible belt and what it stands for, compared to Daddy, whose bible belt is the direct opposite. In order to accomplish that, you'll have to paint Daddy as the loathsome man you're attempting here. BUT, you will have to make the followers of the geographic Bible belt a little more likeable. IMO, you have made the churchgoers almost as ugly as Daddy, because you've painted them as gossiping judgemental folks (hypocrites) who just look for the bad in others, and I don't feel that is accurate.

Hope that helps some!

--Jen

Jen, we are talking small town here where gossips run riot. I'm certain this doesn't happen in most towns though! But there are exceptions to every rule.
Regards
Travis

"HELLOOOOOO!"

Jen.

Yep! That is exactly, well almost anyway , how I now feel when I look at the lyric. Believe and feel that this lyric has potential, maybe not commercial BUT from our stand point here on JPF, so I am willing to go at it again and put more effort into it before putting it to bed.

I am always fond of stating that the "back" story to any lyric might actually be a better story and now I am curious as to the back story of these characters.

I agree and disagree about how the "church" goers appear. From my experience, and I am not generalizing here or looking for trouble , it seems that so called "church" goers are the biggist hypocrites there can be at times BUT that is another story. "Whether or not I step on any toes here the line stays. Capish?"

But I digress.

Anywho this lyric deserves another look and approach while maintaining its overal appearence.

Thanks for weighing in. Always appreciated.

Later!

Hi Travis. Isn't lyric writing fun!

Now while we continue to create other masterpieces in the world of "lyric writing" lets consider the projects we are working on.

I am having fun doing so, and that is the most important part IMO, so offer you up the following question.

"Should we explore the world we created with this lyric and see where it leads us?" OR "Should we put her to bed and yell, "NEXT!!?"

I mean sometimes you can go when it comes to a lyric, that 3 to 4 minute movie that has to have all the elements that make a movie great, but sometimes the challenge is worth it.

What do ya think?

Jen, and myself, have brought up some interesting points [as has some others] and if you are game maybe we could explore them?

Food for thought.

It is Friday, a beautiful day here in Montreal, and me wife and daughter are taking a little trip to the states for some R&R and of course shopping so I will be back Sunday night to check up on things.

Have a great weekend.

Douglas

You know how this reads....and I could not put my finger on it till now and you'll probably hate this analogy--but I can sing this to The Beverly Hillbillies theme song. Ouch!

Zeek

Well I think we should lay this one to rest at least for the time being anyhow.
While there's other songs to write and present it's not worth worrying over Doug.
I think you did a good job on the lyrics and put a lot of hard effort into the project.So your Co writer's advice is move on.
I'd hate to think this as a Beverly Hillbillie's mark 2(apart from the money) thanks for that one Zeek. Lol
Travis

Well, you've already recieved most of the feedback I would have given. When you say Bible Belt, people think about the Southeast USA. Furthermore it isn't believable. You're preacher/Dad would be run out of the church as soon as an inkling was given as to his activities and believe me it wouldn't take long, small town or big, small church or big. Also makes people who go to church look like petty gossipers if that's a word. Like they're just waiting and ready for someone to fall. And for the preacher to do all this indiscretely....

A scandal finally broke when
Daddy spent church funds.
on a night of drinking gin
and playing twenty one.
The elders shunned and told him
that his soul would go to hell.
It must have when he hung himself
with that bible belt.

No pastor would be able to do this out on the town. Who's he drinking and playing cards with? It would only take one time of that and he'd be outed. Even the at home behavior would be public knowledge. Besides, most pastors work long hours in the church studying, visiting hospitals, homes of the sick and shut in, etc. Not trying to be harsh or negative but that's the real world. Also, he wouldn't have access to church funds most likely as most churches have treasurers and deacons to handle the money. Musically you don't break any new ground but it's pretty mainstream so you're ok there IMO.

Wish I could be more positive on the storyline. I'd take the emotion in your delivery though and put it into every song you do. That I really did like.

Stevie

That's halarious!!

Side bar aside.................I think an uplifting clever song about the Bible belt could be very commercial.....haven't you been watching the news? Religion is all over it!

Good luck and have fun.............. -Tom

Er, don't suppose you've heard of a guy called Jimmy Swaggart Stevie?
Travis

YOUALL--

MY TAKE ON THIS ONE --SWAPPED V1 AND V2--LOTS OF RE-WRITING--JMHO--USE OR LOSE--CAPS

THIS PREACHER WAS BAD, BAD--- BOUND FOR HELL


HIS Bible Belt
[07.28.11]

(A)
Daddy WAS A PREACHER
NEVER HEARD HIS OWN WORDS
“BURN FOREVER BE DAMNED
OR BELIEVE IN THE LORD.”
NO HE'D TREAD ANOTHER PATH
THAT LED STRAIGHT TO HELL.
DADDY WAS A DRINKIN’ SINNER
DRUNK HE’D SCREAM AND YELL.


(V)
Daddy would COME home late
blame it on his meetins'.
Mama knew he lied,
from the signs he'd been cheatin'.
SHE WOULD JUST look away.
Nothing EVER WENT well.
‘GAINST THE HARD side OF Daddy,
and his bible belt


(B)
Church GOSSIP WAS RAMPANT
COS Daddy fuelled their fires.
YEAH THEY had him pegged,
a low down drinkin', SINNING liar.

(A)
THEY KNEW THAT he visited
ONE local bar room whore.
SHE gave him everything
HE’S MISSING AND more.
AND ALL THE ANGUISH
THAT my mama felt?
I knew that she’D kept silent.
IN FEAR OF HIS bible belt.

Instrumental/lead

(A)
A scandal finally broke when
Daddy STOLE church funds.
on a night of drinking gin
and playing twenty one.
The elders shunned and told him
TO GO AND BURN IN hell.
LATE THAT NIGHT he hung himself
with HIS bible belt.

Mackie

Thanks Mackie will put it past Doug
Regards
Travis

Hi Doug and Travis,

I agree and disagree with many of the comments. I agree with Zeek that it needs more show and less tell but I disagree with him about the hook. I think “Bible Belt” is an awesome hook. It reads like a good draft of a song. You could just go through the lines and put some images to the story you have laid out. For example in the first line;

Daddy would get home late (Perhaps Dad would stumble in) or something to that effect.

I think you have a good story and if you can put yourself in the song you’ll come up with some great images to bring it to life. I wouldn’t give up on it… I love the title.

Dottie

"Well let me tell ya somethin' 'bout a man named Jed...."

Thanks Zeek now I can't look at this without hearing that. LOL!

So far, well, after this period of time I agree with Dottie about creating more of a picture with this BUT still think that "Bible Belt" (an interesting hook) as is doesn't work...YET>

Today, after a long weekend away from home, I am going to veg, putting all of this behind for the moment.

Tomorrow, if everything goes according to plan, I am going to sit down with me guitar and recording equipment in hand and play around with this one some more WHILE working on some other collabs.

Thank you all very much for your time and input. It has been really great for this lyrics development.

NEXT!

Douglas

"....Poor mountainer, barely kept his family fed." (You see Zeek? You see?"

hey...maybe there'll be a bubbling crude coming up from the ground and you'll magically get it

Time for supper! Get some hog jowles and squirrel inners-mmmm finger lickin' good

I like it. It's a nice little folk song with a good, although relatively cynical, story.

Thanks Robbiezzz29. It is a work in progress which has gotten alot of attention that either means we are on the right track, or so far gone that we will nmever get that time back, HA!

Douglas

Looks like we can't let this one go Doug. Perhaps it'll turn out to be one of those songs you love to hate!
As long as it gets attention why worry?
Travis

True Travis.

Deep down in me gut I know that the song is there. We just have to give it time and let time do what it does.

Plan to come back to this one as well as the others we have been working on later this week afgter working out the kinks on some other's collabs.

Have a good night.

Douglas

You're welcome. Glad to see you guys are going to keep working with it!

Thanks again for the words of encouragement Robbie. Much appreciated.

Douglas

Hi Doug

It all depends on what your looking for in the outcome of the song or the goals for it.
It's very very straight forward, for me songs like this can usually work best with a strong guitar or two better yet and vocals.

To find another feel for it probably slowing it down a hair may help... Drums and bass work best overall when there is a groove for them to lock into.

Commercial songs are hard but have a ton of things to take aim at when putting them together, personal songs or more down to earth type songs, folk like songs are harder in that regard. There's only so much you can do in a way.

Whatever you do, keep your heart and soul into it

All the best
Mike

Hi Doug,

Looking forward to hearing what you end up doing with this song.
Lots of potential.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

HiDee CanadaBro * Trav'!

I was tempted to pen one with this hook last week when the St Pete Times (Or maybe it was Fox News, CH 13) ran a story on this woman who was a follower of this local minister who was VERY big on that "Spare the Rod" dictum in the Bible.

She'd repeatedly-beaten her young daughter..for minor infractions..until she died. And had beaten another, even-younger, child to near-death, too..when the authorities intervened.

DEFINITELY deserves a song about it...tho...I found it just a tad too-negative for me to touch...these days.

Good Luck with it, Amigos,
Best Wishes & Big Guy-Hugs,
Stan

The Minister had "No Comment".

Well Stan I now see that you actually did have a look at this one. (My system needed a major over haul and I didn't see this thread.)

If you do see any changes you'd suggest please go ahead. I am planning to get re-intouched with this one shortly.

Douglas