JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Naked In The Rain - REVISED VERSION (AGAIN)

Hi All,

Here is a REVISED version of a brand new song - just guitar/vocal/bass in a singer/songwriter style so far. What genre would you call it? Any comments about the lyrics or chord changes or melodies are welcome. Does the chorus sound like a chorus? Anything else?

[color:#CC0000][size:17pt]Naked In The Rain[/size][/color]

Thanks,

Naked In The Rain Copyright ©2009 Colin Ward

V1
I was happy before I met you,
But when you came along,
I began to worry constantly,
That one day you'd be gone
On your way
I'm feeling naked in the rain

V2
You're on my mind all the time,
You've pushed the rest aside,
I'm not thinking clearly now,
Your face has fogged my mind,
To shades of gray,
Don't leave me naked in the rain

Ch
Now my life should be full of joy,
I should not worry so,
I'm taking risks and I might fall down,
I'll go crazy if you go,
Don't leave me naked in the rain

Instrumental

Br
I don't know what you think of me,
Whether I can capture your heart,
You had a life when you came my way,
But I thought I saw a sparkle,
In your eyes,
Please don't leave me standing in the rain

V3
I was happy before I met you,
You spun my world around,
I'll fall off the edge,
If we're on shaky ground,
So you've gotta stay,
Don't leave me naked in the rain

Chorus
Tag
Still see that sparkle in your eyes
So I'm not naked in the rain

Hi Colin

I like the hook and your chorus melody really sings nicely... I think instrumental and where it comes in is working very well.

I'm not particularly fond of the rain/brain rhyme

All the time you're in my brain, <<< and this is not conversational - it feels put there for the rhyme.

Not sure if you plan on singing - the final - but this feels a step/or half step too high for you - an easy fix.... Or a harmony vocalist where you go down and the other takes the Hook line melody to its full potential... The vocals feels too weak there.

I think its a very good work tape and the song works over all to my ears.
Best to you with the next level.

jm

HI Joice,

Thanks for the comments. Yes it is too high for me to sing. The guitar chords and fingerings came first and drove the rest - I might be able to do it an octave lower now that I have a melody.....or capo way up the neck so I can sing a few steps lower.

I thought about changing brain - it really just popped into my head - not so much a forced rhyme. I thought it fit with the shades of gray!

Colin

Loved all the guitar work. It really had a crisp, talented sound to it.

I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around this "naked in the rain" metaphor. The melody surprised me a little, too. I see this as more of a alternative/rock tune with more "Counting Crows" angst type vocals (I guess, I don't really know). You don't sound worried at all.

Kevin

Kevin,

Thanks for checking it out and the comments on the guitar.

I am not sure the singer is really down at this point - just worried that he is now so lucky and happy to have met the new person that he is going to be highly disappointed if she moves on.

Naked in the rain is a metaphor for being left exposed in an unhappy situation if she leaves him. Complicated, eh?

Thanks for the heads up though - may need to explain it more.

Hi Buddy

I think the song has a nice feel musically. I would like to hear the verses jazzed up a bit, not jazzy jazz lol but more bouncy and rhythmical.

I'm with Kev on the 'naked in the rain" the word naked in a song to me always feels like it either needs to go by quickly and used once.. Or if it's a lot of times then really have a strong reason to be in there...

That's the snag on this one mainly for me.

Big help!

He doesn't sound that happy to me. Most of his life is now wrapped up in worrying, which leads to insane jealousy and then mass murder. The singer is on a slippery slope.

Kevin

I dunno, Colin - I thought the music is a good match to the lyric. It's gotta be happy because he's in love. Sure, he might worry about losing her but it seems the overwhelming feeling would be happiness.

My only nit is that I thought some of verse 3 seemed a little rushed. More a phrasing issue than a word issue, I think....

Scott

Mike,

O.K. - I might rotate in some other words than naked in the various refrains. I think I will rerecord it in a different key on Sunday and maybe I can jazz it up a bit!!

Kevin,

A slippery slope indeed!

Scott,

Thanks for listening. I will work on the phrasing in the next take - very fresh ink at this point!

Colin, a good concept - and one many can relate to.

There seems some disparity in the message, though. I agree with Kevin that the singer doesn't sound happy at all. He comes across as pretty despondent. Why not go the whole hog and have him miserable throughout? (Or have him happy but forcing himself to fight and overcome the feelings of insecurity. After all, few women - or men - want a partner who comes across as being too needy. And the singer would want to be seen in a good light.)

I've made a handful of suggestions below. KOS of course.

Donna

Hi Colin,
Sounds real good but as far as the theme, I think I'd have to agree with Kevin and Donna. It seems like the singer is contradicting himself. I don't see how he can be full of joy, if he's worried all the time. I'm not sure how many guys would want to sing it. To me it needs a turnaround to a more positive note, either at the bridge or maybe just a 2 line tag--possibly something about
Ah that sparkles back, I know
You'll never leave me naked in the rain

Just kicking out some ideas.
That's a real good--attention getting--hook
Good luck with it however you go
Wy

Donna,

Thanks for listening. I like your lyrical suggestions and will adopt some. Stranded is a good word - I might use it and a couple of others instead of naked.

I see the situation as one of those "can't live with them, can't live without them" dichotomies......but I will try to clarify in the rewrite.

Wyman,

Thanks for your comments too. The idea of a happy ending makes sense.

Colin

Hello Colin,

I enjoyed your melody/hook..and I didn't have a problem with the naked in the rain situation, I thought it sounded good.
Thanks for the entertainment !

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Calvin (Neighbor to the south),

Thanks for listening. You are easy to please. Glad you liked it!

Colin

Wow. Colin, that is outstanding. The melody and guitar work were what first hit me. It is so solid and interesting. I love the licks you integrated there. Nice rhymes - there are there but don't stick out. One thing - there are a couple of lines in v 3 that are too long and you have have rush them. Easily changed.

I was happy before I met you,
But you spun my world around,
I'll fall right off the edge,



Very nice.

Tom

Hi Tom,

Glad you like it. One of your threads influenced this song!

Colin

Hi Colin,

Your guitar on this is really good and when you get this in a comfortable key, the vocal will be fine as well.

I like the "naked in the rain" hook but I think it's too much when used in the verses, chorus and bridge. Maybe just the chorus? And then if you put the chorus after V1, it won't take so long to get to your hook.

The contradiction I see is between V1 and the chorus.

"I was happy before I met you,
But then you came along..."

"So now my life is full of joy"

So, is he happy now or not? When you decide which way you want this to go, be consistent.

Just some thoughts.

Ricki

Hi All,

I have revised this song with helpful input from here. Changed the key, etc.

Any further comments are welcome.....production, lyrics, music are all fair game. I still don't know what genre to call this.

[color:#990000][size:17pt]Naked In The Rain[/size][/color]

Thanks,

Colin

Hi Ricki,

Thanks for listening. I have changed it again - took some of the "nakeds" out and put 'em back in because it seemed to lack the punch without them.

I appreciate your thoughts on the conflict and eliminating it.....but this song is about the conflict. Is he happy or does the worry about losing her offset the happiness?

Colin

oohh Colin

I think the Key change has done wonders....... nice job
Now where you have the second voice added -- I feel that you can even add a third -- even if it's in unison...
I also think that the hand percussion would sound nice double time mirroring the guitar switch up that you do and then back in single time... it will add texture - but the changes need to be clean. ; ) and Genre..... hmmmmm easy listening ~ maybe jm

Hey Colin,

Full bodied recording here, cool sound.

I'm listening a few times over, and the impresson I get, is that it's trying to straddle 2 genres.

The intro suggests an upbeat song, but when the vocals come in, it slows it down a bit to "old folkie".

I think it comes down to 2 things. The vocal phrasing, to my ears, is lagging the music. It could be latency, or just the way it's sung. I don't know what gear you have, but can you time shift the vocal line just a bit to the left ? A little before the beat will brighten it up heaps. The other is the tamborine, which plays on the 1 and 3 . ( which makes it sound mechanical ) If changed to the offbeat, 2 and 4, and a few accents, it will carry the song along.

It's a really good performance, just being dragged by those 2 things.

Definitely a keeper.

cheers, niteshift

Colin,

Just took a listen. I like it! All the instrumental parts are wonderfully done. Congrats on all of that! I do agree with shifty about the 2-4 beats on the tamborine, though.

I am one of those folks who likes an occasional lyric where the hook/title is repeated at the end of the verses and in the chorus. I would, however reconsider using it in the bridge as well, I think the bridge needs more separation from the rest of the lyric. For the last line of the bridge, maybe something like "If you go I'm sure to feel the pain". Just a thought...keep or sweep.

Very nicely done, Colin. I enjoyed my listen.

Alan

Colin

A song is whatever you want it to be. Sometimes we want it to be something but for a few different reasons we can't get it across.

The trouble with this song for me is flow... the lyrics,the phrasing and the message.
It lacks a certain continuity, it has some clarity but things about it hurt it's effectiveness.

Like this - "Your face has fogged my mind" to me this is such an unattractive line,don't know how to explain it. Maybe because of the vibe mood of the song and all.
Or - I began to worry constantly

It's like the "naked" aspect. It's in here and it seems so important to the song to you. But how?

Almost none of the verse lyrics relate to it. How are you exposed emotionally? I mean your sharing all these feelings but they are scrambled and confusing.

Now a title doesn't have to mean much especially to me lol but this one just feels like there's two songs here. A title and this other story. But this story need more attraction of some kind.

Read the first verse than look again at the last line. Does it payoff in any way really?
Even if it were quirkier I think it would hold interest better for the listener.

Look at these first lines and notice all the conflict of thought...

I was happy before I met you

You're on my mind all the time,

Now my life should be full of joy

I don't know what you think of me

What are you trying to say?

Your friend
Sub

I'll refer to your original questions:

What genre would you call it?
This might seem strange now, as the demo clearly suggests folk/songwriter-style etc. But (with a few changes) I can hear U2-style (the Joshua Tree sound) or the sound of Brian Eno on the latest Coldplay album (well - he produced U2 too).

Any comments about the lyrics or chord changes or melodies are welcome. Does the chorus sound like a chorus?
Not to me. It sounds more like a bridge to a chorus than a chorus itself. And at the beginning of the instrumental part I got the feeling of a chorus - but only at the beginning. It quickly becomes clear it's an instrumental line and not a chorus melody.

Anything else?
Someone wrote here about "jazzing up" this song. I agree - it shouldn't (and most likely cannot) become a jazz song, but right now it's a bit to "cute" for my taste. Could be a bit "wilder" and have some "edges" in it which would fit the lyrics IMHO.

BTW: No problem at all with "naked" - I'd leave it there and understand you had to put them back in. ;-)

Joice,

Glad you like the new improved version......I went ahead and added a third harmony part and changed the percussion, all of which help it IMHO.

Nite,

Thanks for listening. I shifted the vocals a little left and changed the percussion. I agree that it sounds better.

Al,

Thanks for commenting. I will have to step away for a bit and come back to the lyrics.

Sub,

Yes, the lyrics aren't your cup of tea! I have been living with them for a few days and need to step back. I think of them more as a stream of consciousness of someone who is confused.....or am I confused?

Anyway, i appreciate your comments.

McLight,

Thanks to you too. Understand your thoughts on the genre. I had not thought about U2 or Coldplay though - interesting.

As I get more comfortable with the lyrics, I will try jazzing it up a bit. I am better at jazzing up guitar parts than vocals though.

Hi Colin, It is so good to be back on the site, missed everyone. Thanks for asking me to check this out.
First, LOVE the guitar work.
Second, like the standing naked in the rain, I get the meaning, but perhaps you can pull into it somehow, what it means, naked as in with my heart in full display or something to that effect and you need to be careful to not cross the line, which to me seems to be teetering, as to obsession and all his happiness and self worth is invested in her and he is too needy. Maybe talk of what she has brought to him but not in a pleading way... please dont leave kind of way, I know some songs made it that way, for instance the old one, If you Leave Me now, I think it was by America? Not sure, but this comes across a bit too harshly. Just my humble country opinion:) But a nice start and with some tweaks will be a really nice piece.
Kimberly

Hi Colin

I don't mind the naked reference if appropriate. I think there's enough here to generate a really good tune. done right we might be left wondering why the man is naked but don't care because love was found.

anyway here's my take on the first verse and how i would run with it. You should hear the beats loud and clear. Actually i like this so much i might bang out an mp3 and send it to you if you like. you can do with it whatever you like. let me know.

sam
CartHorseMusic


Naked In The Rain Copyright ©2009 Colin Ward

before you came along / i worried all the time
that love would always strand me / somewhere down the line
but then you picked me up / naked in the rain
it was instant sunshine / love was back again

your verse

V1
I was happy before I met you,
But when you came along,
I began to worry constantly,
That one day you'd be gone
On your way
Leaving me stranded in the rain

Colin
Here's an mp3 i banged out as a possible take and first verse. I think you could write a real good tune from your verses. Personally I hear more Dylan or Neil Young here as your words suggest melancholy but your mileage might vary. Good luck with this one.
Sam

http://www.soundclick.com/bandAdmin/default.cfm?content=songs&bandid=968952&sub=songinfo

Kim,

Glad you are back and on the mend. Thanks for the review and I understand about the too needy thing. Someone else commented that some singers might not want to sing it for that reason. I will revisit it with that in mind.

Carthorse Sam,

O.K. on the lyrics. Your link does not take me to your recording - hope you can fix it.

Colin

Carthorse,

That link you are posting is from within your own account so nobody else can use it. You have to go to the song from outside your account and then post a link.

However, I was able to find your song and listen to it. You are obviously a Dylan and Young fan and have completely changed mine to make it sound like Dylan. Nothing wrong with Zimmy, but I am trying to make it sound more current which is not easy for someone with my years of experience! Thanks for your input though.

your welcome and stay naked. :-)
sam

colin
i am not the one to give advise so i will just go with...i REALLY enjoyed listening to this! i find my self listening over and over again and telling all my friends to listen as well. i cant help but sing along every time. this song fits my life at the moment to a tee! thanks for the opportunity to listen. i hope this is finding you well!

nick

Hi Nick,

It is very cool to get a note that says one of my songs connected with someone!!!! Thank you and enjoy.

Tell lots of your friends they can download a quality copy at my Bandcamp site (below).

Cheers,

Colin

Hey Colin,

Great improvement mate. A lot more alive, and it flows a lot better with that tamborine on the off beat. There's a couple of dead spots, notably around 1.40. I'd work on those, and a couple of vocal phrases which are jagging, but other than that, you're away.

cheers, niteshift

I dunno, I'll have to listen again to make a good crit. I like the idea, some of the rhymes don't sit as well, seem too easy I guess. But, like i said, I'll come back and give it another once over in the morning.

Colin,
I love the tune. The lyric not so much. That's just me. It likely works in the adult contemporary genre.

have fun,
John

I'm back!! LOL


OK, I love the melody. I think it's prefect, sounds catchy, memorable, two thumbs up (which is hard to do when you're typing)

I understand the part about being exposed and vulnerable. Happy people may like being naked in the rain. Happy people may even like being exposed.

It's not that it doesn't make sense, it does in most ways, it just isn't tying in well enough to make the connection.

Maybe a mention of storm clouds or instead of "but then you came along" maybe "the storms brought you along". I dunno, I guess what isn't settled for me is why he'd want her to stay if she made him miserable. He was happy then here she comes to ruin it all. Hmm, I know, reading too much into it, but just wanting to understand it all.

Geoff,

Thanks for the second listen. I appreciate the specific comments. I am getting in the mood to polish it up a bit.

Cheers,

Caroline,

Thanks for your visits. Nice to see you are back among us! The theory of the lyrics is that he is so tickled that she came along, he can't believe his own good fortune, but now he worries that she might dump him and he will be left out in the rain. Nothing more than that to be read into them! Maybe they need a bit more clarification.

Thanks again

John,

Thanks for listening. Adult contemporary sounds good - about what I was shooting for. I will be tightening up the lyrics a bit.

Cheers,

Colin