JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Single Mommy U

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=946202

Here is a song that I had posted when I first joined JPFs.I recieved a lot of feedback on the song and took many of your suggestions into consideration.I sent this song to Billy Darnells SongWriters Services studio for demo(for an extremely reasonable fee).I wanted a Gretchen Wilson type song...Please let me know what you think...

Single Mommy U (C)2009 Michelle Chapman




Verse 1:

Tying up shoelaces,
taking out the trash

babies are all hungry,
and I aint got no cash.


I can't believe he walked away
and left us all alone,

I'm down, but I'm not out.
I'm gonna make this house a home.


Oh I love to see those babies smile ,
it's what my lifes about,

but they all need new shoes,
and the credit cards maxed out.



Chorus:

Oh I loved him and he left me,
and he left them too.

They never asked for none of this ,
what's a girl suppose to do?


They're hungry and their crying,
nothing in this world is free,

it's the school of hard knocks,
and I'm earning my degree.


Learned enough of lifes lessons
to last my whole life through,

but that's higher education
at Single Mommy U.



Instrumental



Verse 2 :

He said it'd be forever,
but we never stood a chance,

every pretty girl that came along,
he gave them all a glance.


Never thought that it would be like this,
there's times I wanna cry,

I'm on my knees, begging please,
give me the strength to try.


Though times are rough,
I've gotta be tough,
I've got to see this through,

Gonna graduate with honors
from Single Mommy U.



Chorus



Oh I loved him and he left me,
and he left them too.

They never asked for none of this ,
what's a girl suppose to do?


They're hungry and their crying,
nothing in this world is free,

it's the school of hard knocks,
and I'm earning my degree.


Learned enough of lifes lessons
to last my whole life through,

but that's higher education
at Single Mommy U.


tag out:

Listen all you young girls,
Better make sure his love's true

or you'll find yourself attending class
at Single Mommy U......

Michelle,

I hope everything is going well and I'm glad to see you are aggressively doing your thing. You know I thought that this one had a fantastic hook and it could be a Gretchen type song -- well they picked the right singer for this demo and that part sounds pretty good. As for the music ..... arghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I have been sitting here for about 5 minutes in the edit screen, wondering if I should press submit (and I keep checking to see if I am, hopefully, not first). As you know, I don't mind being honest (even though my opinion could be wrong as can be) and I almost never comment on "paid for" demos (at that point in the game, it's gonna be pitched and the only opinions that count then are the "pitchees").

Starting at the 0:20 second mark ("Oh I love to see those babies smile"), the music is really ... I don't know how to word it, it reminds me like I am at carnival or something. There's no drive or ummphh in the music at all. The lead break should have been left out -- do you cut a lot of words out in this version?

Damn -- I am just gonna come out and say it: This is NOT a pro level musical demo. I wish I could get a hold of a good singer for you and re-do the demo. I mean here is a song I where I used Band-in-a-Box as the backing band: http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6470939 Yea, it's me singing and that brings it down, but dang, it has some punch and the BIAB drumming, bass, harp and steel are way above the quality shown here..

You have a great song here, but the demo is hurting it, I believe. I hope I am wrong and it becomes a hit. let's wait to see if anyone else jumps on board.

Kevin

P.S. Did you ask anyone here if they had used this service before? That is why we are here -- we are here for you!

Hi Kevin,
I appreciate and value your opinion very much.Thank you for your honesty.I'm glad that you at least like the song(if not the music).Hopefully others will offer more suggestions on how to make this song better,because for some reason this one means alot to me.Thank again Kevin!
Michelle

Hi,

Michelle I think the lyrics are not only dead on Gretchen Wilson material-but that alot of publishers would Love to get this for pitching to many top female singers in Nashville......

Has a HARPER VALLEY PTA feel to it......

you did a great job telling the story-and I agree with Kevin that the demo singer was a very good one for it....

the music itself-I agree-is lackluster at best HOWEVER where I disagree with Kevin is that I think the subpar/understated music actually enhances the lyrics and vocals........they really stand out in contrast and of course Gretchens folks can kick it up to where it should be.......I think this demo will hook em enough to want to give ya a call about it.......cause if they dont I think others will.........this is very very good.......cause you got a great single mommy song with the right attitude for Gretchen or a number of other top Nashville singers......I would not myself invest in better/fancier music.....Gretchen or her boys can kick up the music......I have seen songs picked up at BMI publisher pitches by a gal just playing on guitar......I can see and hear Gretchen and maybe 3 other top Nashville singers really wanting this...............at worst-Gretchen or whoever will want to go on it as a 2nd writer for tweaking it up-which aint a bad deal at all......my advice for what its worth is to invest in more publisher submissions rather than fancier music...............you have great lyrics-the right kinda Gretchen groove and enough basic twang to carry the song.....without a doubt her or her folks will really give the music the kick they want-but I think right now the lyrics and vocals will grab them and make em wanna give a positive reply.....hell I would shop this thing door to door in Nashville if it was mine.......again-I agree the music aint great but the good thing is that it doesnt overwhelm the lyrics and I believe any gal singer who hears it will find herself singing along..and when they do that-you have done got em girl.....look forward to hearing the reception you get on this-send er in girl.....

best of luck

ps-Barbara Cloyd-longtime host at the Bluebird Cafe in Nashville-gave a seminar for songwriters at a Nashville music festival I went to
she said-write stuff for single mothers who arent beauty queens and work at walmart and you will have a winner......

you did exactly that!

good job!

Tom

Michelle, I've listened to this a couple of times - and I'm so glad Kevin got here before me.

I love the lyrics, the vocals, and the harmonies. The music, however, seems almost minimalist and bland. It's what I thought when I listened the first time but figured maybe I was being too picky (especially not being a musician myself). Kevin's observations though ring true. There's no passion or punch in the music. (Unless this was just to serve as a rough pre-demo to be polished later with more instruments and pizzazz.)

The song has - I think - tremendous potential. Just the hook/title "Single Mommy U" is wonderful. You're on the way. Just need the music to match.

Donna

Michelle! I am so glad you finally got someone to sing this. Love the vocals, the song totally works! I think it would work enough as a demo to show someone the basics and of course a potential buyer/artist would kick it up and do it in their style and arrangement.
I think this one could sell. Good luck.:) Kim

There ya go, maybe Tom's right! ... and Single Mommy U is a fantastic hook.

Kevin

Hi Tom,
Wow!Thanks!I really wasnt expecting that for some reason.I really agreed with Kevin,because I felt that the music was maybe a little too "old school"and I had even mentioned this to the producer on several occasions,The producer had the same opinion that you are stating.He said that he thought that the song itself was good enough and that most anyone who might choose to cut the song would more than likely make changes to the music anyway.I'm very happy that you liked it,and I am going to take your advice to try to get this one out into the world and I guess just wait and see what happens.If it doesnt work out,I will then consider some musical changes.I really do feel that Mr.Darnell put his heart into this and he spent a considerable amount of time working on it for a more than reasonable price,and the vocalist he chose was perfect.Thanks for listening Tom.
Michelle

Donna,
No need to worry.I'm a big girl,I can take it...lol.I appreciate you taking the time to give your opinion....and you know what they say about opinions....that "they are all important and we should take them all into consideration when making our decisions"...at least I think thats what they say...lol..seriously Donna...Thanks for listening.
Michelle

I'm a great believer in positive thinking, and Tom's take - and Kim's - could well be appropriate. I know Billy Darnell is a fine musician in his own right. He sure picked the right singer!

A good thing about getting diverse opinions is that it gives a good overview. The final artistic decision is always one's own.

Note: Looks like our posts overlapped, Michelle. Great minds thinking alike.

Donna

Hi Kim,
You are always so kind to me and it means alot.I appreciate your encouragement on this song.It really does feel nice to finally hear it in song form.Thanks for listening!
Michelle

Hi again Kevin,
I guess I'm just gonna get it out there and see what happens.The fact that you like the song lets me know that I'm at least on to something.as I said before,I truly value your opinion and your honesty.It kinda feels like you are looking out for me and it means alot to me.
Michelle

Good luck with your song, Michelle. I love the lyric and the vocals.
Nadia

Hi Nadia,
Thank you for listening to this song.I agree,Billy chose a great vocalist.Her name is Roxie Randle,and she did a wonderful job on this song.Now I just want to focus on getting the song out there...Do you happen to know anyone thats having dinner with Gretchen Wilson anytime soon?lol....Thanks again Nadia.
Michelle

Michelle.

Now that's definately my kind of music, love that song and the style it was done in. Congrats on a great one!

To me,( and that's just my opinion) The lyrics told an exceptional story and the style that it was done in was both powerful and popular in todays music.

To me, for you to pitch this, you need great vocals, style & rhythm and you have that! The music, I don't want to say it doesn't matter because it does, but what you got on the demo is enough to show the song for what it is and realize what it could be. I think you could pitch this as is and it's a great demo.

I'd go for it girl!

A great musician would hear this for what it could be and give it that powerful sound it deserves. They would be able to just play this and hear it's potential in their head, they're good at it.

Best of luck with this,

Geneva

Michelle -

I think this is a great song. It's fun & clever, yet still has an emotional impact when you really stop and think about what it's saying. I completely agree that this is under-produced musically, but I don't think that will hurt your chances of getting it cut. (Yeah, I think you should have gotten more for your demo money, but the vocals more than make up for it.)

Let us know when you get the deal. Just a matter of time now.

- JP

Geneva,
Keep talking.....I like what youre saying and I could listen to you talk all day....lol.I'm happy that you like it.I hope that you guys are right about the song.
By the way...I do want to make it clear that Billy Darnell is a great guy.He did do exactly as he promised.I could never get it across to him quite what I wanted,so that was really my fault.
And he charged me VERY little for the demo.The vocalist alone was probably worth what I had to pay for the demo.I made it really hard for Billy to do this song to my specifications,so in the end Id say I'm satified.
Could it have been better?There is always room for improvement on anything.But in the end I received a demo,professionally performed that according to you guys should still be helpful in getting the song out there.So I would definitely recommend Billy services to others.
Thanks again Geneva
Michelle

Hi Michelle,

This is still a really solid song. It's one of those songs that could really hit home with a lot of people. All the best with it. I hope Tom is right!

Peace,

Ian

Hey Michelle,

Well written song, and the vocalist is great. The backing ? ...um....well, as a paid demo, it's a bit of a shocker. Why don't you see if there's a kind country muso around that will play it properly for you and give it some zing ? Then just ask the vocalist to do it again.

Great song, not so good presentation.

cheers, niteshift

Hi Michelle, if I find out, you'll be the first to know.

Michelle:

You have a Very Creative Song Concept, some Very Origial Lyrics and a Cool Hook.

That's a Great Singer on this Demo.

David

Michelle,

This sounds like traditional country to me, not modern country, which could be good or bad depending on your perspective.

I agree with the other posters that the singer sounds good and the guitar solo is lame and emotionless. The snare drum beat is all wrong. Whether that helps or hinders pitching the song is anyone's guess - it all depends.

There is not much doubt that the story would hit home with lots of country music radio's demographic, which is mostly women on their way to work.

Good luck.

Hi John,
Thanks for stopping by to listen.I appreciate your very kind remarks very much.If anything like that were to happen,I promise that all of you guys here would be the first ones that I would tell.Not gonna hold my breath though...lol
Michelle

I guess I was focused more on the "demo" than the song, which is understandable, I guess. The vocalist really did a very good job. Let's just hope the music folks who listen to this pitch have better taste and wisdom than me to hear the "song".

I did find the original lyric post on Single Mommy U and I noticed that I was the first to respond there, too (ha, ha). Glad to see that I mentioned that this could be a good "gretchen-type" rocker. Maybe I haven't totally lost it (LOL!).

Good luck with this one. I really feel that this song has potential and it wouldn't surprise me to see this one picked up. As Tom mentioned, it also wouldn't surprise me to see an artist making some changes and getting co-writing credit. If you can get any artist to co-write with you, then I think the sky's the limit. You're gonna have to load up the truck and move to Nashvilly.

Kevin

Hi Ian,
Thank you also.I sure hope that Tom is right too.Many mixed opinions about this one.It was very nice of you to listen and to comment.
Michelle

Wow is this great, perfect vocals and playing ... got my toe tappin for sure
I love it ... you always do an amazing job and this is no exception ... got hit written all over it ... someone has got to sign you ... you consistently write songs that should be on the radio and on CMT ... beautiful job my friend

LOVE IT

Hey Girl,

I've been meaning to check this one out, and I'm sure glad I did. The hook is fabulous, the lyrics back it up from beginning to end, and you're zoning in on a huge market. You should be very proud of your writing here Michelle!

What's especially engaging about the story is that it isn't another "poor me, my man done up and left me" song; rather, it's showing how she's pullin' herself up by her bootstraps, makin' do, and movin' on.

Personally, I think the vocalist is fine and I love the harmonies -- she really conveys that sense of feistiness!

Alas, I'm going to have to concur about the music. I hate to use the word "hokey" , but at least for me it did take away from the song some. Having said that, I do believe that "niche market" is looking for a song to relate to lyrically and with a catchy beat, and to that degree, I think the demo would work fine.

So good luck, and let us know how it goes!!

Have a great day!
Beth

d

Hi Niteshift,
Thanks for listening to my song,and I'm glad that you like it.It does seem that many agree with you about the music.I guess that I have some thinking to do.I'm think about maybe trying ato shop it as is to see how things go,and if it looks like its not working,try to get some changes made to the music.I'm very grateful that you took the time to check it out.
Michelle

Hi David(ddreuter),
Thanks so much for the encouragement.It means alot to me.
Michelle

Hi Colin,
Thanks for taking the time to check this out.I value your opinion very much.I agree with you that a it seemed a little too "Old Country "for me,but some people have told me that the more traditional country is making a come back.I'm not really sure how true that is,but I am hoping that perhaps someone will like the song well enough to cut it and make some musical changes to make the song have a more current sound.I do realize that may not (and probably wont happen),but if no one likes it,then perhaps I will be able find someone to work with the music and make the changes that may be needed.I guess that I will just have to wait and see what happens and hope for the best.Thanks again for lending me your ear and for your comments.
Michelle

Hi again Kevin,
Yes ,I do remember.In fact I believe that you were one of the first people that I "met" when I joined back in the early spring.I remember you offering some great suggestions as far as the direction in which I should take this song and I do also remember you mentioning Gretchen.You've been very helpful since I became a member here and you have always given me pretty good advice.
I wouldnt hesitate to load up the truck(though I doubt it make the trip with out breaking down)and moving to "Nashvilly",if I thought that there was even the slightest chance of a well-known artist wanting to record this song.I guess I would keep my home here too,cause I really do love West Virginia.I've lived here my entire life,and my whole family is here.But as I said...given an opportunity like that....in a heartbeat.Although I consider myself a BIG dreamer,I know that I have a better chance of purchasing the winning Powerball ticket.Its a very nice thought though...Thanks again Kevin
Michelle

I like the idea of the song but the music is not compelling. I thinkg you might try to come up a melody that is stronger and more modern. I think that this song wroth the effort you are putting into it.

Tom

Hi Michelle

I'm sure that it's a thrill to send off your lyrics and recorded melody and receive back a demo like this - even though you know there can be improvements - I don't see any real reason to not pitch the song as is. You've spent your money so get a little milage from it. You can always get another one done at a later date. Best wishes and good luck with it.

jm

Hi Dan,
Thank you so much for such nice comments.You really made my day.Its very nice to dream.....
Michelle

Hi Beth,
I am happy that you finally got a chance to listen and I appreciate your comments very much.I truly hope that you are right(you and the others that share in your opinion)because I think that I am going to take your advice and try submitting this song as it is right now,and see what happens.The vocalist did do a wonderful job.Hopefully that will help in"selling" the song and make up for the things you feel are lacking musically.Thanks so much for listening.
Michelle

Hi Mike,
Thanks for listening and for commenting.
Michelle

Michelle......I remember this lyric!!.... I am sooooo happy to see that you have taken it and you are getting it out there!!

As I told you the first time I read it....in my opinion, this lyric has HUGE potential....it has such a clever hook....and a message so many single Moms can relate to.

I think the vocalist did a wonderful job on this song. I do agree....the music/melody and instrumentation does need to be as "fiesty" as the lyrics.

I do wish you all the best with this one Michelle! I can see the CMT video now...really!.....this is a good one.

All the best to you,
Gail

Hello Tom
I'm very happy that you stopped by to listen.I appreciate your compliment and your advice.
Michelle

Hi Joice,
Thanks to you also for listening.I really think that I will use your advice(and a few others have made the same recommendations).It would be wonderful to get a letter back from a great Nashville publisher who would be as kind to me as you folks been.
Michelle

Noting else to be said..the lyrics are killer, and with the right production it could very easily be a hit...can't wait to hear it on radio....you go girl............lots of love..glyn

Michelle,

I think you have a great one here!
I love the lyrics, and the music sounds just right for this.

To sharpen it up a little, I would take out the instrumental section, and use the tag as a bridge in between two choruses in the end, so it adhere's more to commercial song form. I think it can be done without re-recording, by anyone with a DAW (like Sonar, Cubase, Logic, Pro Tools etc..).

You need to be conservative with song form as a upcoming writer, to be accepted by the publishers.

But the song is great, for sure. Great job!

Hi Gail,
I do remember you commenting back when I first posted this.You have always been so kind.Thank you so much for the very nice comments.

michelle

hi glynda,
thanks for listening and thanks for the very nice comments...its means alot.
michelle

Hi Magne.
Thanks for listening and commenting.I appreciate your suggestions and will take them into consideration if I do indeed decide to do another demo with this song.I really do want to make a good impression and I know that first impressions count the most,so i'm still unsure what to do.Many have said to send it as it is right now,and others feel as you do.....I'm thinking send it in now,but be prepared to have another demo made if it isnt picked up...still that first impression thing concerns me a great deal.......
Michelle

michelle,

i liked the arrangement, though as a demo it seemed a bit weak. i am a sucker for old fashioned country, so it was right up my alley. the lyric was tight, the lead singer had it tight, and the backup singer was right on cue. i think the rhythm section could have provided a bit more to the demo. this is a money maker for sure.

cheers
steve

Michelle,
I think it's way cool.

Good luck,
John

Hi Michelle:

I think it's a terrific song! And the vocal is great too.

Have to agree with the others who think that the musical backing is hurting it though. Whether it's good enough to pitch the song - I don't have any experience here and would have to defer to folks like Tom.

The song is there though, in my opinion.

Scott

Michelle,

Hi! it's been way too long since I dropped in on one of yours.

I have told you this dozens of times but will gladly risk the redundancy of saying it again...you are a FABULOUS lyricist! This lyric has Top-Ten written all over it. And Gretchen Wilson would be PERFECT for this. I wouldn't change one single word in the lyric. It's about as close to perfect as you're ever gonna get it, in my opinion.

Your vocalist, Roxie, is super on this...an absolutely perfect voice for this song. But I am with the camp that thinks the music hurts it. I agree with the several comments that a good publisher would see/hear beyond the music and recognize the potential of your lyric. However, it has to get to the publisher, per se. Most of your larger publishing houses have screeners who decide what goes forward for a second listen and what does not. I'm not sure they would appreciate the song behind the music.

I've been told so many times from publishers and music insiders that you have to catch the ear of the publisher, or the publisher's screener, within 15 - 30 seconds and the demo has to demand their attention. I am sure there are exceptions to that; but that's what I've been told so many times. I think the backing tracks (the music tracks that backup the singer) could diminish your changes of this getting a "second listen" from many publishers.

You have a Contemporary Country song and vocal with an uninspired Traditional Country backing. The drums are totally wrong for all of it...the other backing tracks and the vocal.

If it works for your budget, I would suggest trying another demo elsewhere. This is a GREAT song that should be presented with all the punch and sizzle you can get with it.

This is a an abslolutely GREAT/FABULOUS song but the music behind it is hurting it. Sorry I couldn't be more positive about EVERYTHING, as I was with your wonderful lyric. But, I told you when we collaborated a few months ago that I would be honest with my opinions.

Best of luck with this one. As I said, I think it has Top-Ten written all over it in bold letters...it just needs the right music.

Alan

Hi Steve(Sofa K B),
Thank you so much.I hope that you are right(about it being a money maker).Thanks for the suggestions also.
Michelle