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Do It Again

v1
Annoying buzz, it’s all around me
Like maggots twisting into my skin
My eyelids, shade my future
Unnatural bracelets are born from my sin.

v2
My blood drips into the shadows.
Invited darkness, a bed from hell.
I’m a longtime friend of evil.
Regrets and sorrow, I know them as well.

Chorus
I’m not going to say goodbye.
Don’t even care if you cry.
I disapprove of this life
Now, you've lost me.

Just make my pain go away.
Can’t live another day.
You can’t make me stay.
And do it, do it again.

v3
Burned directions, that’s what brought me here.
A hollow existence I couldn’t see.
Ageless Shepherds, walking backwards
Embraced my soul and then they stole it from me.

Chorus
I’m not going to say goodbye.
Don’t even care if you cry.
I disapprove of this life
Now, you've lost me.

Just make my pain go away.
Can’t live another day.
You can’t make me stay.
And do it, do it again.

Tag
Do it again, no no no
You can’t make me.
Do it again no lord no

Chorus
I’m not going to say goodbye.
Don’t even care if you cry.
I disapprove of this life
Now, you've lost me.

Just make my pain go away.
Can’t live another day.
You can’t make me stay.
And do it, do it again.

Hi Swtke,
Welcome,
Good writing.
Pretty abstract for mainstream. Probably more poetic than songlike except it might fit in cetain genres.
It'd help to know where you see it going
Write on
Wy

I wrote it thinking Layne Staley. Obviously a dark grinding song that changes pace and volume within the Chorus. I have a good melody to go with it. It's actualy my favorite song to play and sing. Very emotional. I often wonder what the mindset must be in order for someone to commit suicide. I just tried to crawl inside that moment and this is my interpretation.

Thanks for the Feedback.

I would say that this captures well the feeling of someone who is just about to die from suicide. It's very powerful.

Vs 2 is a little troubling to me. I don't get the blood in the bubble part. A bubble in the blood could refer to a drug user but the other way around, I don't quite understand.

'I'm a longtime friend of evil" sounds like it doesn't belong next to sorrow and regret because sorrow and regret implies (to me) a caring nature.

If you said something like "evil's my companion" it would make more sense to me. A companion is just someone who is with you. It doesn't mean that that companionship is welcome. Friend would imply that it is a welcome situation.

The other bit: Ageless Sheppard’s, walking backwards
Embraced my soul and then they stole it from me.

Ageless Sheppard's. Did you mean Ageless Shepherd's as in Shepherd is or do you mean Shepherds plural. I can't tell which you intended because then you say embraced my soul but then you say THEY.

Is the Shepherd supposed to be Jesus or are you meaning guides, leaders, teachers, mentors etc.?

" I disapprove of this life and you lost me." Sounds a little odd. Kind of like you are a pet or a little kid or that the thing happened in the past. If death is imminent perhaps. "Now, you've lost me."

Also in verse 1: Unnatural bracelets born from my sin. Eyelids don't surround the eye the way a bracelet would, but you have already used shaded. (Good line that one.) Maybe something like shrouds (death cloths) Shrouds. Hard to sing though. Perhaps bindings born from my sin. Or perhaps veils.

The buzz, shaded eyelids and fly in the first verse reminded me of Emily Dickenson's poem, "I Heard a Fly Buzz When I Died"

I heard a fly buzz when I died;
The stillness round my form
Was like the stillness in the air
Between the heaves of storm.
The eyes beside had wrung them dry,
And breaths were gathering sure
For that last onset, when the king
Be witnessed in his power.

I willed my keepsakes, signed away
What portion of me I
Could make assignable, and then
There interposed a fly,

With blue, uncertain, stumbling buzz,
Between the light and me;
And then the windows failed, and then
I could not see to see.

Anyway, back to your lyric. The rest looks good to me. (Or bad because it's depressing, lol.)

I would be interested in your treatment of this piece. Hope nobody gets too inspired by it though.

Good job and good luck to you.

Thanks Jean. I realy appreciate your extended analysis of my song. That is the type of feedback I am looking for on this site. You have made my morning.

I'm a beginning songwriter. I will just try to tell you what I meant line by line. I am not as advanced as you in critical apraisals so bare with me. Once I do that, I would love to hear some more from you on this subject. Thanks again, David

Do It Again

v1
Annoying buzz, it’s all around me – The buzz is the constant irritation and commotion of life. Finding some piece in today’s world is almost impossible.
Like maggots twisting into my skin – I wanted to find a different word than “Maggot” so it wouldn’t be so offensive, but no other word represents the feeling in the same way that maggot does.
My eyelids, shade my future- The closing of the eyelids represent death. In turn, ending any future life. The shading comes from the slow process of life drifting away through the eyes of the character.
Unnatural bracelets born from my sin.- Unnatural bracelets refer to the slashing of the wrists. The scars resemble bracelets. Born from my sin. Suicide is a sin.

v2
My blood drips into my bubble. Blood from the slashed wrists drip into the grave (bubble). The bubble serves as a shelter from the things we don’t like in our lives.
Invited darkness, a bed from hell. My attempt at telling the reader what the bubble is and where he wants to escape.
I’m a longtime friend of evil. The character led his life on the dark side.
Regrets and sorrow, I know them as well.- Because he led his life on the dark side, he experienced regular regret and sorrow. People that do wrong and choose to do so, still feel sorrow and regret. Just not enough to stop.

Chorus
I’m not going to say goodbye.- Expressing how “done” he is with everything.
Don’t even care if you cry.- The chorus allows me to provide an upbeat melody in an otherwise dark song.
I disapprove of this life
And you lost me.- He is talking to life, god, everyone. “Now” makes sense. Thanks.

Just make my pain go away.
Can’t live another day.
You can’t make me stay.
And do it, do it again.

v3
Burned directions, that’s what brought me here.- We all know the difference between right and wrong. There are plenty of instructions out there outlining how we should lead our lives. The character chose to blaze his own path and follow his own set of instructions.
A hollow existence I couldn’t see.
Ageless Sheppard’s, walking backwards- Yes, I meant more than one. Tour guides for life. He chose to follow some from hell.
Embraced my soul and then they stole it from me.

I changed the spelling to "Shepherds" and changed "And you lost me" to "Now, you've lost me."



Thanks

My eyelids, shade my future
Unnatural bracelets born from my sin.

The listener will need more clues about the bracelet because it follows the eyelid thing with nothing to separate the images. They won't know it's a list of images. If you want the listener to get it you may want to identify it more clearly.
for instance:

My eyelids, shade my future,
beholding the bracelets born from my sin.

My eyelids, shade my future,
can't see crimson bracelets born from my sin

Bloody bracelets new born from my sin.

bloodied bracelets birthmarks of sin.

My eyelids, shade my future,
can't see the red bracelets born from my sin.

Let me think about that one.

Thanks,

David

Unnatural bracelets form from my sin? I like that one. What do you think?

You are getting closer. Since it's no longer a fragment, it works. form from . Kind of tricky to sing. How about a word that describes the fluid coming out of the skin. I have some in mind but I think you will have more fun digging for it yourself.

Thanks. The singing part actually works perfectly with the melody. No problems there. "Form from" and "born from" are almost identical when singing them. "Form" seems to work better directing the listener to understand what's going on. I also considered "are born from." It just throws my syllables off a bit. I'm having a hard time letting go of "born". I realy like the suggestion of death or at least the cause of it being born from a sin. It realy captures my imagination and has some oxymoron qualities to it. I started thinking about describing the fluid coming out as you have suggested. I can think of a few, but I keep looking forward to the next line in the song, "My blood drips...” I'm covering that topic already. Do you feel that the next line does not accomplish the task of supporting the previous statement, thus providing some insight for the listener?

D

Well, you don't want to mess up your melody. You could go with the born from but change the next line so that they flow together to indicate the idea that the blood born from sin drips blood into the bubble.


Unnatural bracelets born from my sin,

v2
drip my blood, into my bubble,

Don't know how it would sing with the melody though, since I can't hear it.

Bubble still gives me a little trouble. (Pardon the rhyme.) Bubbling doesn't sound comical to me, but bubble does. I get the idea of the bubble -but it is kind of a comical image and sounds comical as well. It could be just me.

Is the person in a bathtub or water of some kind?

"Bubble still gives me a little trouble." I thought it was a good rhyme! : )

I see what your saying. It's much easier for me to change the bubble concept than it would be to change the unnatural bracelets line. To me, describing the slashing of the wrists as bracelets is the most original and entertaining concept within the lyric. I will re-evaluate the following line and try to keep my baby in tact. I was just thinking, "My blood drips into the shadows." Let me know what you think of that and how it fits into the sequence. I still think you are correct on needing to tighten up that line by changing to either "form" or "are born."

Thanks a ton! You're awesome.

D

Yeah, shadows is much better than bubble. Bubble was too comical. But now you have shadows and darkness. Can you invite death instead? Or maybe the reaper?

"Invited darkness a bed from hell" is telling the reader what the shadow is. I don't see it conflicting. Shadow=invited darkness(choosing to go there), a bed(grave) from hell. That's how I am intending it. Does that make sense?

Yes, that makes sense.