JPF Home Page Forums Week 49 MP3/Lyric Pick: "Somebody Told Me You Were Gone"

Hello everyone.

As there are a lot of posts now, this one's to help make things easier.

Here's my last rewrite to date, plus the link to listen to a rough tape of the song.

A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE
© 2009 YANN CAUSERET
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Verse 1
The cat is crouching near the fish bowl
A man is waving on the screen
The kids are sighing in their dreams

Verse 2
Some clouds are gathering in silence
A car is coasting down the street
The upstairs neighbors do not sleep

Chorus
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Verse 3
I’m standing right here by the window
The night is creeping off the square
You’ve never sat down in that chair

Verse 4
The clock is ticking hours and seconds
I clear my throat and say a prayer
I don’t want the kids to think life’s unfair

Chorus
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Verses 5 & 6 (instrumental)

Chorus
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Chorus out
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7459015

Thanks.

Yann,

I'll keep this short as there have been dozens of comments, and at some point you start to get nibbled to death by ducks. You need to find your song now, and you're on your way.

I would suggest two changes in the chorus.

1) 3rd line. Reword it so it's "And something blah blah blah blah is piling on my chest" I don't know what the blah blah blah blah is -- four syllables (sad and lonely, dark and heavy, etc.). I know you want to put the "I couldn't be there" thought, but it's rushing by too fast. You want one thought in that musical line, not two. And if you give yourself that four extra syllables you can expand the thought and describe the feeling better.

2) Last line. All your lines are rushing by quickly. The words are saying how things stand still, but the music is uptempoand positive and rushing past any standing-still feelings. It might help if you changed the line to something like "I just heard.....you're gone...." Yes, it's not one syllable for every beat of music, but that's the point -- let the line breathe musically, give it a little extra space.

Congratulations on getting your song to the next level.

Hello, Yann,

I've been in the studio all week helping to mix the movie, "Irene In Time." I'll tell you more about that later. I just wanted to comment that the music really helps. I like it for the most part. I agree with Scott that "a nurse" is not a good substitute for "somebody." I addressed my thoughts on that earlier. I will star the lines that are a problem for me, to save time and put notes. I would consider this an exercise done and redone and move on. I hope you learned something. It's hard for me to critique and re-critique songs written the way most people write them--doing many things at once. To say more would seem like an informercial for my step-by-step method, and I would never do that.


A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE
© 2009 YANN CAUSERET
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Verse 1
The cat is crouching near the fish bowl
A man is waving on the screen
The kids are sighing in their dreams***You can't observe this from where you are standing

Verse 2
Some clouds are gathering in silence
A car is coasting down the street
The upstairs neighbors do not sleep ***You can't know this either

Chorus
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Verse 3
I’m standing right here by the window
The night is creeping off the square
You’ve never sat down in that chair *** This seems a bit non-sequiter. What chair? Why hasn't she sat in it? Rethink this line.

Verse 4
The clock is ticking hours and seconds
I clear my voice to say a prayer
I don’t want the kids to think life’s unfair***This feels like a reach

Chorus
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Verses 5 & 6 (instrumental)

Chorus
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Chorus out
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Hello Harriet and Z (and everyone else).

Thanks a lot for your feedback.

You're right, Harriet, it's now time to move on.
Especially because the woman that triggered the lyrics - though indirectly - passed away this morning. The phone rang at 8:30 am. It was not a stranger, but my mother-in-law who broke the long-expected news. And it wasn't me that answered the call, but my wife.

Anyway ... here's my latest version, and then I'll move on to the next song. I haven't addressed all the issues, just some of them. But I think it will do, at least for now.

I'd like to thank all the people who have given me their feedback. I've really appreciated each comment and suggestion here. This forum's wonderful, and the people here are true artists and good human beings. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Even if I'm not the greatest writer living on Earth, I've come to feel that I was part of this community, and that's priceless.

I'll do my best to improve. Thanks again.

A STRANGER TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE
© 2009 YANN CAUSERET
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Verse 1
The cat is crouching near the fish bowl
A man is waving on the screen
The kids are now lost in their dreams

Verse 2
Some clouds are gathering in silence
A car is coasting down the street
The upstairs neighbors do not sleep

Chorus
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A STRANGER TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Verse 3
I’m standing right here by the window
The night is creeping off the square
You’ve never sat in that new chair

Verse 4
The clock is ticking hours and seconds
I clear my throat; I’ll say a prayer
Don’t want the kids to think life’s unfair

Chorus
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A STRANGER TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Verses 5 & 6 (instrumental)

Chorus
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A STRANGER TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Chorus out
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A STRANGER TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE
A STRANGER TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Thanks to everyone who participated. Very productive discussion and I hope we can take this momentum into the next process. We're start the next round in a few days, our 50th of these excercises.

I'd still like to find someone to edit these lessons going tback to the first one taking the best and most useful commentary, questions and even disagreements and putting them into some type of lesson format so that we can link them for future visitors to get an edited and more readily useful format.

If you're interested, let me know.

Thanks again to Harriet and to Yann and everyone else!

Brian