JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum Here's my rewrite of my naughty song that's not naughty anymore. Pls tell me true, if

Here's my rewrite and my enormous thanks to Idamarie Naelitz and Graham Henderson for their lines.

Song new title: "It's great outdoors nude, HOney" (c)/09/02/02/Ray Thyer.

Acknowledgements: * thanks Idamarie for these lines. ** thanks Graham for this line.

Chorus: Don't be shy, Honey
*Take you clothes off, Honey
*You're beautiful with your clothes
off, Honey
** Nude looks good on you.

Verse1.Take your clothes off, Honey
let the sun shine through.
Step outside, Honey
There's great fun things to do.

Chorus: Don't be shy, Honey
Take your clothes off, Honey
you're beautiful with your
clothes off, Honey
Nude looks good on you.

Verse2. Take little Bobby's things off, Honey
and Mary-Janes too.
It's great outdoors today, Honey
the ocean's sparkling blue.

Chorus: Don't be shy, Honey
Take your clothes off, Honey
Your beautiful with your clothes
off, Honey.
Nude looks good on you.

Verse3. We don't need clothes here, Honey
Our friends are in this club too.
There's dick, Lizabeth and Mary-Lou.
Our kids love it here, Honey
and you soon you will too.
- - - - - - - - - -

And my thanks too to Sharon for her great tuition and to Frank, Anthony, GTAcoustic, MHFair,Judy,Stan,Wirdaz and Kaley too for without your encouragement, advices and info this rewrite would never be.
I hope I have not disappointed any of you or any JPFolks either. If I have please forgive me. Ray in Australia.

I don't know about anyone else, but this lyric gives me the creeps. "Take little Bobby's things off, Honey/and Mary-Janes too"?! Yikes! Sounds perverted. And....

Our friends are in this club too.
There's dick, Lizabeth and Mary-Lou.
Our kids love it here, Honey
and you soon you will too.

....makes this sound like an induction into a cult. But see what others think.

Anthony

Ray,

I'm not TOTALLY creeped, but only because you don't go into what you do when your nude. Surf? Play volleyball? Leave the kids at home.. and pass me my boardshorts. Mike

Cleaned up nicely Ray,
Just like Stan, I've a member of a few clubs over the past 20 years. and I believe several of those folks would love this.

*note to Anthony and Mike,
nudist clubs are all family oriented. Which is why any mention of hanky-panky doesn't play very well. Actually one of the safest places to take your kids. All adults have an eye watching out for suspicious "attention" given to any kids.

------------------
Harriet

Oh, I know clothing-optional resorts are family oriented, Harriet. My girlfriend and I have thought about going to one, in fact. This lyric still sounds kinda weird, though, IMO. Let the kids take off their own clothes, at the very least.

Anthony

As a skinny dipper of near 60 years who never belonged to a club< I guess i have seen as many clothing optionan bvenues as anybody and For what it is worth, I found the take the kid's clothes off bit a bit off.
I have four kids. Two who are quite comfortable a la naturale and two aren't.
We let them make their own mind up same as wwe did about faith beliefs.
You do seem to have a thing about naming peole which i would lose if i were you.
I try to rememebr, even i the personal ones , I am writing them so the majority of peope will relate to them.
I would also make a valiant efort to quit the chorus first thing you do.
What say you re'write this so it has two verses, then a chorus, then another verse and a chorus? With an outro if you feel the need.
If you write a few in that format, youwill find it fairly easy to then swing across to putting bridges etc in .
I remember you said you had beeb a member of FAW for a number of years. Nine I think. Did you ever attend any of their writer's workshops? Or attend writer's night's where writers listen and critique each other?
If you haven't, i sugest you think about it Ray.
And yes. Critiquing others is a good and valid learning lesson, as well as good manners.
Regards.
Graham

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http://artists2.iuma.com/IUMA/Bands/Graham_Henderson/
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/grahamhenderson.htm

Thanks Anthony, I did not mean to write something that gives you the creeps. I thought that I wrote an honest, clean rewrite this time with no hidden message. I got to say though that the word 'things' in this context in Australia is accepted as a substitute word for 'clothes' and NO there is no induction into a cult intended. Thanks for your response.Ray in Australia.

G'day Mike, I guess you can see my reply to Anthony, I hope so. I did not include any activities , NO I thought that might make my story to long and involved. Thanks a lot for your info though. Ray in Australia.

G'day Harriet. I am so glad and relieved that someone like you likes my rewrite. Thanks a million for telling me so. Ray in Australia.

Graham, Well I guess you know but are too polite to say but the truth is I know next to nothing about writing lyrics except though that the words seem to come to me easily. I guess now that I have told of my ignorance I can ask you some dumb questions that have gathered in my mind since you gave me your great advices.
(1) What is a 'Hook'?
(2) What is an 'OUtro'?
(3) and what are 'Bridges' ?.
I hope that you don't mind me asking but I am keen to learn and get things right.Thanks a lot in advance, mate.OH, I nearly forgot, Yes I did and I gained a lot from doing it along the way too. thanks again, mate. Ray.

AW Ray, I got to give you an A Plus for effort and all heart. Keep working, you DID clean this up nicely, but as you admitted to Graham there's lyrical structures that you don't understand. But don't get discouraged, this is one heck of a place to learn. I hope you've spent more time reading different lyrical postings here and I strongly urge you to "study" the structure of hit songs of today and years past. It will open a whole new lyrical world up to you. You say you have a way with words, well let's develop them into lyrical words; not just thought words. I just read in a lyrical instruction book this morning about 3 am that the difference between just writing poetry or prose to lyrics is like this: When you write lyrics you should have a basic "running" melody in your head as you write--thus your words will just about automatically match meter, syllables and stresses on the first write, making any rewrites just to tighten the song up and maybe use better descriptive words. Say you get a lyric in mind and you want to use an old overused cliche' in it; well that's fine with the first write, but then come back to that old worn out cliche or phrase and rewrite that dude into "new" fresh words.
I know that a lot of the hits today seemed filled with old cliche's and phrases and all the time the powers that be are hollering "rephrase" those old cliche's, give us something new, fresh--maybe it's saying the same thing, but give it to us in a new way. Does that help you any?
Just don't give up because you're not sure of what goes where, if you really like writing as you seem to do. Read, listen, look and reread--study songs that are already published, recorded and study the lyrical boards, go to any songwriting chapters if they are near you. Just keep struggling til you get it. Gosh, we had a lady on here just a bit over a year ago--she changed from poetry to lyrical writing and withing three months she was writing better than some of us who'd been at it more than several years. She put everything she had into it and learned, plus she's just darned talented too. Hey, Sunny, I'm talking about you...my dear!

G'day Sharon, I guess I got to say first I will be forever grateful to you for your kind words and I got to confess that the more I see in the writing of lyrics the more I get confused. Would you please explain what is a 'Match Meter, Syllables and Stresses on the first write.
I am no quitter, but someone else told me it would take ten years minimum, to learn the writing of lyrics and I wonder if I should quit and only collaborate with someone who could polish and make my lyrics right and write music for them. I first asked on the lyric feedback board for a composer who would be prepard to write music for one of my lyrics.
I wonder if that is the best way for me to go. I must say that I have never written prose, I have for the last ten years, there's that ten years thing again, been writing manuscripts . It all started when I got caught up in a wrangle with a bank that lasted seven years in court. I have written several manuscripts and so far all I got was the pleasure of writing them. I have already confessed my need for money and I wonder if I should follow my original plan. Please tell me what you reckon about this. Oh I have rewritten my lyrics for a song I posted as 'One from the heart',I will post that now, just in case you recommend that I should quit. Thanks a million for your great advice/s and info they have been very helpful to me. best regards to you, Ray in Australia.

Hi Again, Ray!

This Rewrite is OK..borders on Good!

As someone else mentioned, SHOULD include Other Things Nudists DO, besides "Sunbathing"..IF you're gonna paint an ACCURATE Picture of the Practice. There's the "Isolated" kinda Skinny-Dipping, but moreover, there's the very "Communal" Sort at the Nude Resorts which is a Lot More Popular. (Hey, give it a TRY..THEN Write the Song. RESEARCH Makes ALL The Difference, in a Successful Song.) NO,I'm NOT Kidding!

To this end, consider investing in a Book on the Field of Songwriting. Once you've read ONE, you'll wanna buy MORE. But THERE you'll find MOST of The ANSWERS, some to Questions you haven't even Thought of Yet.

You can also Easily Study a Successful Song by simply Copying Down the Lyrics to Any of the Many "Hit Songs" on the Radio.

The "Hook" is usually the Song's TITLE...See how OFTEN the Writer REPEATS IT? (That's so Folks KNOW what to Go Out & BUY!) An "Outro" is usually an Altered LAST VERSE (Or CHORUS) that Plays as the Song Concludes. A "Bridge" is what Usually comes IN after 2 Verses (But CAN come in ANYWHERE The Writer CHOOSES To Use It) to both Break Up the About-to-Be "Monitony" (From hearing the SAME Repetitive Structure AGAIN) AND Usually (But Not Always) to Shoot the Music UP a Register ("Modulate Up" is frequently penned after the word "Bridge") so a Bridge'll have (Ideally) a Different LINE LENGTH or NUMBER OF LINES and/or RHYME SCHEME from the VERSEES Prior to it. As well as a Major Melody Change. AND (Yeah, Still MORE to tell ya!) a Bridge'll USUALLY Have Some NEW NUGGET of Information/Diffo "Slant"..that's NOT to be found in the VERSES.

You THEN write another VERSE after your Bridge, in the Same Structure (Usually) as the Previous 2...OR You Whip in a Final CHORUS/OUTRO, if you've already Said All you Set Out To.

Not to Confuse Ya, but there ARE Some Songs with 2, maybe MORE Bridges...They're Kinda like BUTTER On EGGS..."Add to Taste!" (& Not ALL Songs Require a Bridge...lotta Ol' Country Songs are "A-A-A" Structure...(Verse-Verse-Verse) (With a Repeating Last Line, or "Refrain")

Songs with a Bridge in 'em typically go "A-A-B-A"
There are all sorts of Other Combos--"A-B-B-A"...Etc. (This is Where that BOOK ya Need Kicks In!)

The Newer Pop-Oriented stuff these days Often has a "CLIMB" before the Chorus, too...a couple Lines where the melody rises UP, Then ya Hits the CHORUS.

Don't worry about "Pleasing Everybody"...you CAN'T! DO write songs YOU Enjoy, first & Foremost! SORRY if I seemed So Hard on Ya, first Song outta the Block...(But we DO Give as Honest-a-Critique as we Can Here...) But we ARE "On Your Side"...hey, if we can help make ya a Successful Songwriter, maybe you'll remember one of us "Strugglers" when you're up there makin' the Big Denario!

Good Luck with this one, and all the Ones that Follow,
Big Guy-Hug,
Stan