JPF Home Page Forums Post Week 42 (October 28th) Entries Here

Hi Folks,

We are starting the Week 42 process for the Mentor Critique. We welcome anyone to post a lyric or a lyric/with an mp3 link for consideration. This week, Pat Luboff, a very talented and professional music educator, as well as writer of several hit songs and co-writer (along with husband Pete) of some of the best selling music education books on the market, is our volunteer Mentor. She will pick an entry for which she will provide a public critique. She is not looking for the "Best" or "Worst" entry, but rather the one that will serve the learning process the best. Once she chooses, we will post that choice and open it up for member critiques. This is an important stage as it helps you learn how to critically look at lyrics and song structure for later comparision to Pat's points. After we've had critiques by members, we'll post Pat's critique and have further discussion.

The schedule is:

Tuesday through Friday Night: Lyric and Lyric/MP3 link entries.
Saturday through Monday Morning: Open Member Critique
Monday Night: We Post Pat's Critique
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday: We have open discussion.

This is all about learning. Don't post a lyric or mp3 file that you aren't open to criticism and aren't willing to change. If you would rather have a private Critique by Pat, visit her site at http://www.writesongs.com/. I suggest, if you haven't participated before, that you read one from a previous week to get up to speed on how it all works. Good luck and get involved!

We will be accepting entries until approximately 7:00 PM on Friday.

So post your Week 42 Entries below!

This song is up to the stage of final arrangement before it's locked down, so an in depth critique would be welcome. It's a bit wobbly here and there, and hence all suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Edit ; Updated Mix4

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=704874&songID=7017610

Edit ; Updated to Mix6

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=RCV6K7P2( ( 8.6 meg download )


You Do It Right (c) Allen/Wood 2008 All rights reserved.

Vocalist ; Letha Allen

Lyrics ; Letha Allen
Music ; Geoff Wood
Guitar ; Mark Kaufman
Producer ; Geoff Wood

You Do It Right

Intro:
Mmm, Babe
(you do it right)
Aw yea, you do it so right
Gotta testify
(you do it right)

If you got someone
Gives you so much love
Gotta shout it out

Gonna raise my hand
And tell this land
What this loves about

Chorus:
(Do it right)
Gonna wake up in the morning and testify
This is how it is when you do it right

(Testify)
Nothin in the world that I would change
Do what you do, you do it right

Got everything
Anyone could need
Don’t do without

My heart has wings
From the love you bring
Gotta let it out

Chorus:
(Wings to fly)
Wake up in the morning with wings to fly
This is how it is when you do it right

(do it right)
Nothin in the world that I would change
Do what you do, then do it again

(Fly so high)
Wake up every morning with wings to fly
This is how it is when you do it right

(Do it right)
Nothin in the world that I would change
Do what you do, you do it right

Bridge
If you got someone
Gives you so much love
Gotta shout it out

Gonna raise my hand
And tell this land
What this loves about

Oh Babe,
You do it so right
(do it right, do it right, do it right)
Oh yea
You do it right

(Do it right, do it right, do it right)
(Fly so high, fly so high, fly so high)
(Testify, testify, testify)
(Do it right, do it right, do it right)


D


(wings to fly)
Wake up every morning with wings to fly
This is how it is when you do it right

(do it right)
Nothin in the world that I would change
Do what you do, then do it again

(testify)
Wake up every morning and I testify
This is how it is when you do it right

(do it right)
Nothin in the world that I would change
Do what you do, you do it right

cheers, niteshift

Inspired by a post by John Daubert ... in the spirit of all things politcal

Saying goodbye blues

1st Verse
Well democrats it's been fun
We always liked to watch ya run
But you all now are separatists
Pot smokers and pacifists

2nd Verse
So if yall want it fine with me
Us reps will have our own country
The land of the free will be resurrected
Once the wanna be commies have defected

Chorus
Saying goodbye blues
To your extreme liberal views
Your total lack of common sense
I'll still laugh at your expense
Saying goodbye blues
Your Dan Rather biased tabloid news
The paying for your opinion with my dues
Saying good bye blues

#rd Verse
Now yall can keep that New York City
Its high rise prices and lack of pity
We'll keep southern homestead fires burning
Without you the world won't stop turning

4th Verse
Listen to prophets like hank Williams and Skynard
Take pride in our country while eating our dinner
Saying a prayer for the lost and degraded
Mostly that somehow he'll keep them sedated (blue states)

Chorus
Saying goodbye blues
Your overpriced Gucci leather shoes
Your oversexed over drugged hellion misfits
Supported by what ever social program fits
Saying goodbye blues
That misdirected point of view
I'm actually glad this unions through
Saying goodbye blues

Bridge
Fare thee well blue states enjoy your lack of sovereignty
I'll hold tight to the family values that have been taught to me

Chorus
Saying goodbye blues
Your pornographic movie crews
your most anything goes moral stew
Sense of self larger than life
Your girlfriend, mistress, whore and wife
Saying goodbye blues
Now I'll say here's what ya do
Fold 4 fingers down the last ones for you
Saying goodbye blues

Tag
Go join up with your friends in France
Whose male leaders wear ladies underpants
Y’all don’t come back now ya here!

Copyright October 28th 2008 BMI Derek Hines All Rights Reserved

No music yet! Sorry....


Preparing for the Worst
© 2008 Caroline Holder
All Rights Reserved

If spending were a sport, she’d take the gold
Salesmen see her coming and go to hollering “Sold”
She could break Donald Trump in a New York minute
Fort Knox ain’t got enough spending loot in it

She’s got a big appetite for the finer things
Silk and satin clothes, platinum diamond rings

Chorus
Two jobs just to keep up with her spending habits
A third one so I can eat and get back home
She’s gonna break the bank one of these days
If she don’t break me first
But I’m Preparing for the Worst

I got a P.O. Box for my 401K
Someone has to think about that fast approaching day
She starts to glowing when she’s about to be going
To another sale and doesn’t think I’m knowing

I couldn’t stop her even if I really wanted to
But she looks so good in those high heeled shoes

C-Repeatx's

DIAMONDS FROM DUST
©Ricki E. Bellos

In these woods there’s a special place
I go when I need to escape
No rules to break, no smiles to fake
I’ve been numb, my insides are cold
Only one place sweet silence holds me
If I close my eyes, I’m not alone
You’re here with me
We lie beneath the trees

I make you diamonds from dust
Watch them fall down all around us
As light slips through dark
Each particle a spark
Then I try to find a way
To make a never ending day
Of diamonds from dust

Wish we’d found this place back in our teens
There was no way out or so it seemed
When we felt the weight of all our lost dreams
Could have shared it with you I swear
Would’ve washed away all your fears
In this stillness I hold you near
You’re here with me
We lie beneath the trees

And we make diamonds from dust
Watch them fall down all around us
As light slips through dark
Each particle a spark
Then I’m on my knees to pray
For a never ending day
Of diamonds from dust

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7007549

Here is something totally new and different from me...a pop-rock teenybopper song!

THIS WAS WRITTEN TO BE SUNG BY A YOUNG LADY SUCH AS HILLARY DUFF, NOT AN OLD FART LIKE ME[b]![/b]

The target audience for this is 12 - 15 year-old teenybopper girls. The lyric is written accordingly. My 12 year-old granddaughter and 5 of her friends were my advisors for the lyric. They were really very, very helpful and a lot of fun. I explained to them that the "Not that lonely yet" line was pretty cliche. They insisted I keep it or I would have a mutiny on my hands. My granddaughter came up with the Romeo - Juliet couplet. I think it's pretty good.

I would like to get a professional cut on this. Does it have any commercial potential?

Here is the link:

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=276329&songID=7018119


Keep Your Hands Off My Heart

(v1)
I can see you coming
Like, I can hardly wait
You think you’re really something
Convinced you’re-oh so-great…
Oh-so-great

(v2)
But I can spot a heartache
A half a mile away
You just keep on going
If you plan to come my way…
Come my way

Chorus
Everything you touch
You tear it all apart
So if you’re thinking ‘bout it…
Keep your hands of my heart
You don’t have a chance with me
Don’t even try to start
Let me tell you once again…
Keep your hands of my heart

(3)
You might think you’re Romeo
But I’m not your Juliet
Go find another heart to break
Cuz I’m not that lonely yet…
That lonely yet

(4)
Don’t take a second look at me
Not even just for fun
When I decide to give me heart
You won’t be the one…
Won’t be the one

Repeat Chorus

© 2008 Alan D. David, BMI

PASS ME BY copyright by Samuel Joseph Harris

I was driving ‘bout sixty on the interstate
I left early so I wouldn’t be late
I slowed down heading into the wind
When up from behind came a Mercedes Benz
I looked in my mirror and to my surprise
It was bobbing up and down and weaving side to side

CHORUS:
JUST PASS ME BY
GO ON AROUND
TO YOUR TIME
I WON’T BE BOUND
IT’S NOT MY RACE
OR MY DESTINY
JUST PASS ME BY
AND LET ME BE

I pulled in to the parking lot
And the Mercedes Benz was smoking hot
The man behind the wheel was on the telephone
Screaming ‘bout the traffic in the parking zone
So I drove down about a block or so
I walked on back, just moving real slow

CHORUS:
JUST PASS ME BY
GO ON AROUND
TO YOUR TIME
I WON’T BE BOUND
IT’S NOT MY RACE
OR MY DESTINY
JUST PASS ME BY
AND LET ME BE

music………..

Then one day I was on the road again
Just thinking about the ways you can lose and win
When a big black hearse pulled ahead of me
Followed by a woman in that Mercedes
She was wearing a black dress and a real sad face
I guess the man in the hearse finally won the race

CHORUS:
HE PASSED ME BY
HE WENT ON AROUND
NOW TO TIME
HE WON’T BE BOUND
YES, HE'S GONE
BUT NOW HE'S FREE
TO RACE AROUND
THROUGH ETERNITY

Beep beep, beep beep yeah

OKAAAAAAAAAY,

So I DID declare at the tail-end of last week's Mentor deal that I'd try to get more involved, so TA-DA: "Slippery Slope"!

I realize I'm at a disadvantage submitting a simple lyric (understandably, there's more to critique when you have a fully-produced song), but hey, baby steps still get you where you're going, right?

At the very least, I figure some of the JPF'ers who might not normally see samples of my work will get a chance to take a gander at this one.

Thank you for your consideration.....

Beth

“Slippery Slope”
© 2008 Lyrics, Beth Williams, BMI

A dusting of snow
You begged me to go
To the store ‘cause you wanted a sled
Big BOY, six years old
Stuffed up with a cold
You were tired of staying in bed

Now who could resist that sniffley smile?
I said well okay, but just for a while

We had so much fun
You tried every one
‘Til that racer with stripes caught your eye
But what happened then
In aisle number ten
Is a blur, you were gone, no good-bye

Chorus:
God, don't let me start
Down that slippery slope
I'm dangling here
From the end of my rope
I need You right now
Please help me to cope
Don’t know where he is
But I can’t give up hope

I go on TV
Did anyone see
My sweet boy, aren't there any new clues?
Soon winter is gone
I try to be strong
Then they call me to say they found shoes

Chorus

My mother goes with me, "I'm sure it's not him"
But I walk thru the station and faces are grim
I stare in that bag, the tears spill from my eyes
They could’ve been yours but they’re not the right size

Chorus

Outro:
Going on three years this coming December
Hard to believe, but now hard to remember
Your freckley nose or the curls on your head
I just see a tissue dropped next to a sled

I got picked last week so I'll just critique.

Just Another Man
©2008 Kristi McKeever

He was tired of howling at the moon
Staring at life with hot eyes of doom
He wanted to sever some old ties
Swallow the pride that was twice his size

He decided to take some notes
Made a short list of what mattered most
Desire lingered in his house of cards
He picked it up and raised the bar

[ch]
He cares, he feels
He cries on his heels
Just another man
Just another plan
Knows if he just steps outside
He’ll feel better down inside
Ready to live cuz now he trusts
The person he always knew he was
Just another man
With another plan

He knows he has to pay to play
But that’s better than wasting away
He’d rather walk through a field of mines
Than sit and shrivel on a vine

[ch]
He cares, he feels
He cries on his heels
Just another man
Just another plan
Knows if he just steps outside
He’ll feel better down inside
Ready to live cuz now he trusts
The person he always knew he was
Just another man
With another plan

[br]
He’s extraordinary, he’s extreme
With his ordinary, everyday dreams
He’ll be happy when he sees himself
Living life like everyone else

[ch]
He cares, he feels
He cries on his heels
Just another man
Just another plan
Knows if he just steps outside
He’ll feel better down inside
Ready to live cuz now he trusts
The person he always knew he was
Just another man
With another plan

Here's an oldie. I am getting a list of songs for re-recording (preparing for this February RPM Challenge) and this is one song I want to improve. Vocals are a little off here and there and the lyrics need another going over.


MP3: http://soundclick.com/share?songid=5613482

********************************************************
When That Hammer Comes Down (3:29)
(c)Emmrich/Patterson 2007

JD Patterson: Backing track
Kevin: Lyrics, vocals, electric guitar

(verse 1) Sometimes love ends like a dying fire
Will that last ember ever expire?
Other times there's a great commotion
and it ends with a big explosion

(chorus) When that hammer comes down
I don't want to be around
It's a messy situation
From which there'll be no salvation

('B' Verse?) Oh, I've heard it all before
With me you'll sweep this floor
Well just don't think that you're the first
To kick me on out the door.

(verse 2)So I am on the road again
Think I might end up where I began
Hey, there's a honky tonk up ahead
I need love, but a beer will do instead

(chorus)When that hammer comes down
I don't want to be around
It's a messy situation
From which there'll be no salvation

***********************************************

I LOVE CHEMISTRY 2008 Joe Wright

I met her in my science class
She lit my Bunsen burner
She was academically advanced
I was a slow learner

I LOVE CHEMISTRY
IT SURE BEATS MATH OR HISTORY
I’M CONVINCED THAT SCIENCE RULES
I LOVE THE WAY IT STACKED HER MOLECULES
I THINK I’LL GET THE HANG OF THIS
WHEN I INVESTIGATE WHAT MAKES HER TICK
SHE'S AN EXPERIMENT IN MYSTERY
OH I LOVE CHEMISTRY

I love to watch her mouth recite
Avogadro’s number*
And when she gets the answer right
I don’t mind feeling dumber

'Cause I LOVE CHEMISTRY
I THINK THIS SUBJECT IS MY CUP OF TEA
I'M LEARNING OPPOSITES ATTRACT
WHEN MOVING BODIES INTERACT
AND WHEN SHE MOVES, MY FIRE IGNITES
I BURN IN CENTIGRADE OR FAHRENHEIT
SHE'S ONE PART BEAUTY, ONE PART MYSTERY
OH I LOVE CHEMISTRY

I like the way her fingers trace
the Periodic Table
and when she's in my proximity
I become unstable

YES I LOVE CHEMISTRY
IT SURE BEATS MATH OR HISTORY
I’M CONVINCED THAT SCIENCE RULES
I LOVE THE WAY IT STACKED HER MOLECULES
I THINK I’LL GET THE HANG OF THIS
WHEN I INVESTIGATE WHAT MAKES HER TICK
I LOVE EXPERIMENTS IN MYSTERY
OH I LOVE CHEMISTRY

* 6.03 X 10^23

Hi Folks,

I was hoping to get 10 entries for Pat to choose from, but it appears we're not going to hit that mark. I'll send her a note and have her choose from these 9 and we'll adjust the schedule accordingly.

Brian