JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 999,000 Times

Howdy, Folks! It's been a while since I've posted over here in the lyrics forum. This is a jazz swing type song. I have music for this, but have not put it down on audio. If you've listened to Madeline Peyroux's version of Blue Alert, you can get a general feel for the rhythm of this. I think the last verse can be stronger and was hoping maybe someone could assist with some tweaks. I was attempting to suggest some ambiguity at the end to convey that the singer might get involved with this person again, even though she obviously knows he's a snake in the grass.

Any thoughts/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

This was posted over in the Mentor Forum about a month ago.

I've added a Quick Mix of this.

Here's the link. Thanks to Rob L. for helping me w/this.

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6876627

999,000 Times
by Wendy DuMond
(c) June, 2008

Here you come slidin' through the grass,
wearin' your new skin,
lyin' in wait for my memories to fade,
so you can begin again..

(Chorus 1)

I knew you were comin',
I saw the signs,
My heart was pumpin',
When I looked in your eyes.
But they look right past me,
(they) stay on the prize,
Just as they've always done,
the last,
999,000 times...

So don't whisper your silky words,
don't breathe your lies.
I found your old skin on the ground,
it was shriveled and covered in flies..

(Chorus 2)

But I heard you comin',
Cause you speak in rhymes,
And my mind was buzzin',
At the thought of your crimes.
But my heart's grown weary,
of the how's and why's,
Just as it's always done,
the last,
999,000 times...

You know my heart wants you to stay,
and take off your disguise,
but the fangs are a dead give-away,
and there's no room for compromise.

(Chorus 3)

I knew you were comin',
read between the lines,
I heard your drummin',
Trying to hypnotize.
But you look right through me,
See what my mind denies,
Just as you've always done,
the last,
999,000 times...

Hi Wendy

I know that I do not have enough time right now, but I will come back.. right off I am so interested in what you suggest this will sound like. I love your voice and I am intrigued to say the least to hear this.....

which brings me to the title.... really wondering how that's gonna sound? 999,000
I'm tempted to ask would 99 work also ?

I'll stop back.

jm

Great imagery, Wendy. I can picture it all happening. It's pretty creepy, too.

Just a couple of things I noticed:
1. Like JM, I also felt 999,000 might be a mouthful to sing.
Not only might 999 be easier, but upside down it's 666, the famous number attributed to you-know-who. Kind of gives another sinister dimension to the snake-in-the-grass lover.
2. In verse 2, I found the last line a bit disturbing, in that, though creepy, the rest of the imagery is more elegant. Then suddenly we have a picture of shriveled dead skin covered in flies. For me, it interrupts the visual flow. (Mind you, it is consistent with the metaphor.)
3. Suggestion: line 2, verse 3, 'hiss' instead of 'breathe'.
Just a thought.

Whatever you do with this song, I'm certain it will be impressive!

DM

Hi Wendy,
That's a real good theme and imagery
I;m just going to look at V 3 since that's the one you questioned. Lines 2 and 3 seem to me to contradict each other.
If the disguise is taken off, he's already revealed. The last line seems to preclude any get together. If you want to give more hope of a get together --happy ending. This would be pretty much a rewrite but it's just ideas.

Would the one millionth time be a charm
Would you stay with me
Get up and walk like a man
You know my heart wants to believe

Worth some more work
Good luck with it
Wy--Mud

Here you come slidin' through the grass,
wearin' your new skin,
lyin' in wait for my memories to fade,
so you can begin again..

'lyin' in wait' this contradicts the 1st line motion you set up -

lurking there - is my thought for change

you could use rattle - for drumming

and WY's thoughts offered seem good in my mind. jm

Joice, Donna, and Wyman:

I added a link so you can hear this. Thought it might help for the purpose of feedback. This was a real quick audio I did tonight, just so you can get an idea of how it sounds.

You've received great advice from the others. Nothing to add, but good luck with it.

Nicely-Penned Mz WenD!

Ya might try a SPOKEN Last Line before the Hook, V3:
(& yeah, it doesn't scan exactly..but it's a Kicker:)

"But that little forked-tongue's a giveaway.."
Like the last 999,000 times--

"KUDOS" & K-O-S, M'LadyChum!
Big Hugs,
Stan

Joice,

Thanks for your help on this. I think I had used a word like lurking in the first verse originally. But then I started thinking that he's a snake anyway, so I guess it's kind of implied that they would slither and be quiet. I guess I saw him as patiently waiting for her to change her mind once again after he showed-up with his impressive "new" skin (i.e. he's changed, but only on the outside).

Hey Wyman,

Thanks for dropping by with your suggestions. I guess it's not a happy ending, just the predictable ending I'm looking to convey. The ole' a snake is always a snake kind of thing and the singer knowing this, but not able to resist.

Hi Wendy

Well I DO like how you sing it. Thanks for posting the link. I guess now after hearing I would say - maybe try to take it to a bit more sarcastic - tongue and cheek delivery - jazz it as much as you dare vocally. It works. jm

Hey Donna,

When you get a chance, hope you get to listen to the link. The 999,000 is not a problem to sing.

As for the rest, thanks for your thoughts. The old snake skin is a bit jarring. It is a strong image, but I think it conveys something decadent about this boy and how the "new" skin will eventually be shed, just like the one on the ground.

I think I had hiss. I'm not sure why I changed that. Hiss would work well too.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by and leaving a post.

Thanks for reading it, Shayne.

Hey Tampa,

Thanks for your thoughts. A spoken line could work. That's a good idea. I just kind of threw this together. I've changed that last verse so much, I keep forgetting the words when I try to sing it.

I like the forked-tongue image..hmmm that's a good idea. I might incorporate that!

Thanks!

Howdy Wendy!

This is really killer!

The only thing that tripped me (like Donna) was this line:
it was shriveled and covered in flies..
Ew!

I'm not much of a lyricker so take what I say with a grain of salt (and a tequila shooter), but here's a suggestion that might take the gross factor out by a degree:

I found your old skin on the ground,
it was easy to recognize
So don't whisper your silky words,
don't breathe your lies.

K-O-S

I love the rest of it! You're musical treatment is really cool to. Great vox... the whole thing. My favorite part is when you sing this line:
Just as it's always done
Mmmm, mmmm! The notes you switch to on the words always done really make it for me.

Best o' luck! And kudos!

"Uncle" Chuck

Don't get me wrong, I kinda like the fly image, yet I think it's too far removed from the "snake" image...

So don't whisper your silky words,
TRYING TO SLIP 'N SLIDE.
I found your old skin on the ground,
ALL shriveled and covered in LIES..

Whoops, I see UncaChuck has a similar thing going....and I have to say I like his...it starts with that great shedded skin image...

All in all, very nice.

Ciao

Hi again Wendy,
Welllll, I think I'll have to disagree with the majority, (Not an uncommon thing <G>)-----I'm speaking as to how "commercial" it is--Women buy the majority of the records---The "strong woman" song seems to be all the range now---This gal is apparently gonna' take him back again after 999,000 times without him changing--she just can't help herself---She comes off as a weak woman---I don't think it'll "play in Peoria"in spite of being a good theme and well written
Nevertheless, JMO, your song
Good luck with it
Wy--Mud

Hi Wendy,

A lot of nice visual images here. I'll just pipe in here with one woman's perspective. I like the idea of a woman gaining strength and wisdom in her journey (in this case, 999,000 times). It seems to be hinted at in the chorus (I knew you were comin') and I like that idea. I also like Chuck C's suggested "it was easy to recognize" line there. It makes her savvy. I guess it depends on the direction you want to take it!

Nice work, all in all.

Kristi