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Just wrote this one, I'm sure it probably needs some re-writes.. anybody got any suggestions?

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=100639&songID=6623456

lol - a song about me! Nah, my commute is only 40 miles one way

Musically, I think it's great. Lyrically, is well written. Only thing I'm not sure about is whether a long commute by itself is enough to make him think his life is out of control. Might be the kinda thing where you have to give examples from several aspects of his life to convince people that he really does need to simplify. A stressing job seems like an obvious one, maybe also something at home too - like his wife and he work different shifts and never see each other. Dunno - just thinking out loud...

Of course a killer commute is one important aspect

He should do what I do in the car - write lyrics

Scott

i liked it overall..on the downside, what stood out for me on the first listen was the word "better"..just seemed like a filler word..i know you need something there for the melody but maybe you can find a better (ha) word, or put simple first, e.g. "simple kinda life"


..ant

Hey Scott, it "is" about you... Good thoughts, I'll re-think it some more

Ant... caught me, yeah I threw "better" in there at the last moment.. I did have "easy simple life" but I like your simple kinda life even better

Hi Louis

I think its just great, beautiful melody, love it Louis, and I really enjoy listening to your songs.

Michele
Aussie fan!

Thanks Michele, Scott and Ant had some good suggestions, working on them now

Louis,

I see what Scott is saying, but I also think it works great just like it is. But, I'm telling you Louis, this is one of the most beautiful melodies that you've written..IMHO. I found it so easy to sing...in fact I listened 3 times and sang it all three...chords progress so smoothly. I love it Louis. Nice job.

Jan (yeah, and I'm still kicking myself hard over not working with you last fall...MY BAD)

Louis, first off this is really cool...i have trouble getting past the honesty of your delivery and listening to the story, when you record these things and it's just you, i feel like i'm in the room there listening...reading the lyric i can really relate to this guy, i get it, the trouble with the rat race is, if you win you're still a rat...i might try and point back to life on the farm or in the country as a kid that he misses and wishes he could treat his own family(he's callin' them right?) to that simple kinda life...would tie it together for me, (maybe in a short bridge)...this is almost there Louis...moker

Very good idea for the song - and the idea is very effectively unfolded. The quite simplicity is good in conjunction with the lyrics.

Some things to consider changing ---

in a hearbeat... - phrasing does not work-

on the freeway - not as stong and slight phrasing issue -

better simple life - not as strong in terms of lyrics

Tom

(yeah, and I'm still kicking myself hard over not working with you last fall...MY BAD) Hey Jan, we'll try it again sometime. thanks for listening and I'm glad you like it

Moker, I hear what your saying and I think the re-write will take care of that, appreciate the encouragement

Hey Tom, thanks, the re-write oughta take care of those issues, except the heartbeat thing, I"ll think on that some more

Hey guys/gals.. I got the re-write done. I really really like it much better now. Big hugs to everybody that helped.. I think it needs a solo in between the last two chorus's so I'll probably turn Sub loose on this one... Can anybody hear Springsteen doing this one ???

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=100639&songID=6623456

Hi Louis,

You must have had different lyrics at one time, but the ones you have now work really well. There is a quiet intensity in your lyrics and your delivery that makes it so heartbreaking, but in a good way cause I think that's what you're going for? I liked this a lot. "even though it's not his fault he feels ashamed" I'll bet a lot of people feel this hopelessness about their life.

Ricki

Thanks Ricki, I'm thinking alot of people can relate to this one,unfortunately...

Louis,

Hi buddy been a while. Ok all you JPF'ers get your tomatoes out. If not for Louis and Niteshift I would not be writing today. No doubt in my mind. Thanks, Louis good, bad or indifferent I have grown to love writing and would not have it in my life if you weren't such a great guy. Simple life really touched me. As you just said we all relate to it. It occured to me that if Henry David Thoreau was around today writing lyrics.
He would have written this.

Absolute Best Wishes
Kevin

Gosh, Kevin, your post means alot to me man, really appreciate it.. I'm hearing one more little tweak in the melody in the chorus, so I'll get to do it all over again

This really hangs together much nicer, in my opinion. Nicely done!

Scott

Hi there Louis,

I believe we've crossed paths before, but never had an official howdy-do...so good morning!

First off, as an Officially Certified Lazy Person, I would love for you to post the lyrics up front. While they're there once you go to Soundclick, it's nice to give people an extra tease to go listen in the first place -- JMO...

Anyhoo, I think your song is pretty and melancholy and ultimately thought-provoking. The Life/Road theme is certainly popular, though, so I do think you might need a bit more detail, as Scott suggested...but you're 99% of the way there in my mind. I especially liked this line:

but the years roll by like highway signs

Vocally, I hear a Dylan-esque quality -- that is, if Dylan's lyrics were as intelligible as yours are! (no Dylan knocking, just stating the facts, folks!)

So overall, a moving entry for 9:30 in the AM....

Good luck with it!

Cheers,
Beth

Hey thanks Scott. Changed two lines this evening You knew I would, didn't you...

Thanks Beth, nice to meet ya. I've made a coupla changes tonight that will make it even a little better I think. Haven't re-recorded it yet though.

Okey, Dokey... finished now Thanks for ya'll's patience while I worked on this excuse the voice, all dryed out from today's heat...

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=100639&songID=6623456

LOUIS

This is really great to see the metamorphesis of your tune....it's coming along great

Thanks Steve,

The simple Life...I didn't know you knew Paris Hilton and Nicole Richy!!

Nice simple delivery...I think Moker said he felt like he was sitting in the room with you while you were playing this...me too!!

Only saw this because I was looking around...found out about that famous American Duo Twinn/Campbell...or is it Campbell/Twinn

Good tune!!

Thanks Ted.. Hey we appreciate that review you left for us at cd baby, really makes our page look good too

Louis,

I didn't hear the original, or any of the changes as this progressed. But I sure as heck like what ya got now! No nits on the lyric or music.

I think that this might be the widest vocal range I've heard from you. I've also noticed that you are using a lot more minor chords in your music than you used to.

Another really, really nice song from you, Louis. I seem to say that a lot. But, sometimes redundancy is appropriate.

Alan

Louis,

i really like the re-write. no comments on how to improve it.

..ant

Thanks Al

Ant, thanks for your help on this

Louis,

I didn't hear the previous version, but this one is right there. I particularly like the line "cause the years roll by like highway signs" - very poignant.

Clint

Thanks Clint

Hi Louis,

I really like the lyric and the melody.. but I do have a nit...
When it got to the first chorus, it didn't (feel) like a chorus to me.. I think because of the chord progression... by the time it got to the repeat of the chorus, it felt a (tad) better... and I think the chorus is a little long. But I loved the emotion behind this and the realness.. and loved your tag at the end. Just not sure about the chorus as a whole.. just my thoughts..

~~Shelia

Hey thanks Sheila, yeah it's an unusual chorus, even for me, lol.. I thought at 1st it was a pre-chorus, then I just threw it all together and called the whole thing the chorus.

Louis,

Just want to say I really like the chorus and your delivery of the lyric. It really rings true.

I can see maybe having more things "at stake" for him in the verses. But the feeling is there and it's quite heartfelt.

Nice writing!

Kristi

Thanks Kristi

Louis, I felt this one and as soon as that happens to me, I am immediately more forgiving of little things. But here is an example: Generally I like the chorus but can't help thinking that it would be better if you could find a substitute for "used to have" in the line "..used to have a simple kind of life". It seems like you need to convey the "longing" for the simple life but somehow that particular phrase is not quite in the pocket.

I like the line "the years roll by like highway signs". It's almost as good as John Prine's line "The years just flow by like a broken down dam" in his song Angel from Montgomery.

Another little thing that you might want to revisit is the line about wishing he had a nickel for every mile (on the freeway). Clearly, it isn't money this guy wants- it's peace. So if it were my song, I would try to use that "real estate' in the song to find a metaphor that better expresses what he really longs for. I don't know exactly what that would be but I think it would be something like "I wish I had a minute to tell my son that I love him for every hour I spend thinking about it on the freeway" Now say something like that in half the words and I think it might leverage the emotional impact.

But you have accomplished the hardest part already and that is you have created a mood and expression that we all can connect to. I think the song can still be better and I think you can do it.

I really like your second verse because you have made it personal- that he feels guilty about not being able to spend more time with his kid, and yet, he is frustrated because he doesn't know what to do about it. I think it was the second verse that made me began to "feel" this song. Good job Louis. Keep it up. I always look forward to listening to your songs.

50 miles one way everyday
gives a man a lot of time to search his mind
and he's wondering if things will ever change
cause the more he tries the more he gets behind
(chorus)
and he's living out, a tale that's told
following a well worn road
and he ask himself is it all worthwhile
cause the years roll by like highway signs
he knows he's running out of time
and he wished he had a dime for every mile
cause he'd trade it all tomorrow
for a taste of yesterday
when he used to have a simple kind of life

5 o'clock gridlocked interstate
and he's promised him he wouldn't miss the game
It's the 2nd time it's happened just this week
even though it's not his fault he feels ashamed

(chorus)
and he's living out, a tale that's told
following a well worn road
and he ask himself is it all worthwhile
cause the years roll by like highway signs
he knows he's running out of time
and he wished he had a dime for every mile
cause he'd trade it all tomorrow
for a taste of yesterday
when he used to have a simple kind of life

Hey Louis

Wow man!

This is a great little song. I think Scott had some excellent suggestions for making it a little more realistic. I love the chorus it's a nice little slice of a heart felt emotion. Again you've come up with something very americana sounding what a cool little song!
Derek

I like the approach of keeping "Simple Life" simple...seeing the disconnect through that drive, those highway signs, is a good way to go. Nice work, Louis. -mk

Hey thanks Derek, yep Scott had some good ideas

Mark.. great idea, your right it should be kept simple.

Samuel, Samuel, Samuel...., ok, I've been thinking about it all morning. Here's what I came up with

(chorus)
and he's living out, a tale that's told
following a well worn road
and he ask himself is it all worthwhile
cause the years roll by like highway signs
he knows he's running out of time
and his dreams fade with every passing mile
and he'd trade it all tomorrow
for a dirt road thru the pines
that leads him to a simple kind of life

Louis,
I like this. But just to challenge you a little more, here are some questions: What exactly would he trade for the dirt road through the pines? What "dreams" are fading. I think this is going to be a wonderful song.

Samuel, Samuel, Samuel.... I think he'd probably trade "His Soul" Ok, I'll put my thinking cap back on.

Hmm, how's this

(chorus)
and he's living out, a tale that's told
following a well worn road
and he ask himself is it all worthwhile
cause the years roll by like highway signs
he knows he's running out of time
and his dreams fade with every passing mile
and he'd trade his soul tomorrow
for a dirt road thru the pines
to his Walden Pond and a simple kind of life

Louis, how about "dreams"? What dreams are fading? We can guess that he may have had plans in the past and then suddenly realized one day that he was just shuttling back and forth to work and his dreams or plans were set aside. I think that is what you mean, but in order to keep the lyric simple and sill have every line meaniful, I think you need you be specific- maybe tell us what the dream is (Hey did I say this was easy?)
You are doing great but I don't think you should introduce a new idea (Waldon Pond) unless you had already said he was dreaming about a lake or water. Do you get what I mean? If you have introduced a concept and then made it tangible with a reference, it can work but if you just throw it in without a reference, it puts a hickup in the song. I do like the phrase "dirt road through the pines". The chorus is shaping up nicely. Here is a line by line summary of what you have in my opinion:

and he's living out, a tale that's told (nice- a couple of shades of meaning)
following a well worn road (perfect way to say he is in a rut)
and he ask himself is it all worthwhile (as we all do)
cause the years roll by like highway signs (love this line)
he knows he's running out of time (God, I wish it were not true-but it is)
and his dreams fade with every passing mile (passing miles is perfect- now if I just could get a handle on the dream)
and he'd trade his soul tomorrow (I think he is trying to "find" his sould- that is what I feel you are saying in general)
for a dirt road thru the pines (a metaphor for what he is looking for and I like the phrase)
to his Walden Pond and a simple kind of life (Like I said, "Waldon Pond" is introduced without a reference and I don't think you need it)

It is fun posting on your stuff Louis because you are so open minded and receptive. I am not trying to tell you what you "should" write but just to ask the question, What exactly are you trying to convey? Musically, it is working completely for me and I would love to sing this song at a showcase or an open mic just as soon as it is p e r f e c t.

Samuel, your killin me....... lol... ok, the dream is just simply to have a simple existence... no commuting,fast pace, stuff..

Ok here goes... I ended up changing the last line in the 1st verse to set it up for the chorus


50 miles one way everyday
gives a man a lot of time to search his mind
and he's wondering if things will ever change
cause a simple life sure is hard to find.

(chorus)
and he's living out, a tale that's told
following a well worn road
and he ask himself is it all worthwhile
cause the years roll by like highway signs
he knows he's running out of time
and his dream fades with every passing mile
and he'd trade his soul tomorrow
for a dirt road thru the pines
that takes him to, a simple kind of life

Ha - thought I'd check back with this to see what version you were on

Hey this is coming out great - that chorus is superb.

Can't think of much to suggest - occurs to me that you could stick a bridge before the repeat of the chorus at the end. Would still be of a manageable length and you could add some to the story.

Doesn't feel like it particularly needs it - might just flesh him out a little more....

Really digging this...

Scott

Scott,this is version 962..:) think I'm finished now. Got a surprise coming up with this one...

Hi Louis,

I didn't think this could get better but as I've been told, songs aren't written, they're re-writen and this is really well done, again!

Ricki

Thanks Ricki.. yep, you gotta love the re-write process.