JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Under Blue Skies

Joice Marie,

I plan to work on the guitar part. Not too happy with the tone, and I agree it needs to change up a bit during the song. Thanks for the feedback.

Wendy,

the first title was "I'm Tired", now I'm calling it "Waitin' On You". As someone pointed out, the Kinks did "Tired of Waitin' For You" so I like your suggestion, but I may still look at other choices - I might as well wait to see if I re-write the lyrics drastically, as I do plan to work on them when I got the song structure/arrangement nailed down.

Mike,

Good advice, as usual. I'm really learning how to sing in this style, and I need to try out more options with harmonies to build the energy. Maybe even some doubling and effects, which I never really have done before on vocals. I feel like I'm really straining to sing this, like the key is too high, but I think it's more that I'm just not experienced singing in this style - well, it's all about learning, trying new things, and having fun.

I agree that it needs a little more variety towards the end. I'm thinking to try adding an acoustic strumming during the solo section, then have it come back at the fade out.

Now, with all the comments on similarities to Sugar Sugar, I've been researching, and if I could just sing like this, I'd be in great shape:

http://www.last.fm/music/Wilson+Pickett/_/Sugar+Sugar

Ant....Listening again to the new version?....I thought of the movie by Tom Hanks....I think it's the Wonders....anyway this music would have fit good in there....I like the horns, now at the end....I like the last part for sure....it's a good groove....definitely 60's....Sugar Sugar...the Archies, I believe....it's not that similiar to worry about it.....good tune....I like it....my generation of music....Bob

I am late to the party on this one, I see. The groove is pretty good. Voice has a little bit of that Lindsey Buckingham feel at the beginning of the tune.

Beat is solid, instrumentation is fine. I think a song in this style has to have that big payoff "hook" (that we all desperately want to write). I would suggest listening to a few Lindsey's Fleetwood Mac songs to get ideas. I guess I would ask: What line do you expect the listener to be singing after the song is over?

Good work -- I am sorry I didn't hear any of the earlier versions, I really don't know what journey this song has been on.

Kevin

Hi again!
Man! It's getting better and better!
I love that opening bass riff and the overall catchiness. This is a way cool song. Mike has a point about walking away not knowing what they lyrics are.... and as much as I'm a "lyrics policeman" always bugging people about "fix this, fix that, what's the song saying?" in this one - I don't even care.

The chorus lines stick with me all right. But yeah, I could listen to this one over and over.

I don't say that to just anybody.
Linda

Robert,

Thanks, I appreciate the positive feedback.

Kevin,

I hear you on the need for a payoff on the chorus. I'll post an update shortly. Thanks!

Linda,

Thank you.

..ant

Hi Folks,

I went back and re-wrote the lyrics. I agree with all the feedback that the chorus needed a lyrical hook. Please let me know what you think of this re-write. The lyrics in the verses still need some work, but I hope the chorus is pretty solid.

Since the lyrics have totally changed, I posted this as a new song. It's now called "Under Blue Skies". I'll keep the older "Waitin' On You" version up for comparison until I hear this is actually an improvement.

..ant


Under Blue Skies

I'm packing my bags and I'm taking what's mine
I'm tired of this rain, yea it's rainin' all the time
I gotta find somewhere where the sun will always shine

You like it here where it's always cold and gray
But I'm begging you darling can we please move away
I'm hoping you'll come with me ‘cuz I know I'll never stay

There's gotta be something I could say
There's gotta be something I could do
I begging you darling to come with me

We'll live together under blue skies
Why do you want these rainy days and rainy nights
When we could live forever together under blue skies

I keep on hoping that maybe you'll see
That everything good between you and me
Could last forever if we only wanted it to be

But I gotta get out of this endless pouring rain
Is it too much to hope that you feel the same
Don't you feel deep inside that we both could use a change

There's gotta be something I could say
There's gotta be something I could do
I begging you darling don't you see

We'll live together under blue skies
We don't need no rainy days or rainy nights
When we could live forever together under blue skies

There's gotta be something I could say
There's gotta be something I could do
I'm down on my knees I'm begging please

Let's live together under blue skies
There'll be no more rainy days and rainy nights
When we live forever together under blue skies

Hi Ant

I know what your thinking lol.... Oh No not Sub again lol... give me a break I just did all this work and now what??? LOL

Overall lyrically this is better, and it has a better imagery for the songs style.
I think your "Tired of waiting" idea sang better though, maye a combiantion melody wise..

I just won't give up on this potentially great song

The first verse is VERY good!
It feels like it needs another word in the title for singing..
Not sure if the longer holding out of "blue" was workin for me, just not sure hmmm!

What was the old melody doing there in that spot? I forget now...
Maybe we can steal some from your old version.

We'll live together under blue skies
Why do you want these rainy days and rainy nights
When we could live forever together under blue skies

That second line is too long phrasing wise. try it simply as
"Why do you want these rainy days and nights" just drop the second rainy for it to sing better.

Below here is a lnk to my video of my mouse Ruby with the video of her io put in The Kasier Chiefs song called of course Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby

Even though it's not the same as this song it has part of that Sugar Sugar vibe, the simple rhythm hooky chorus. Check it out you'll love it, it grows and grows on you greatly.

plus my mouse is cute as can be Go see I had to edit the song a wee bit for the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjsDZlV7ABw

Love this song Ant and I want it to be your stellar break through song that everybody loves and respects

Hi Ant,

Very cool.
Waitin' On You is quite nice.
Very well done.
Something to be proud of.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

The groove on this is awesome...and I like the new write...small points if I may

the new chorus is now a little wordy...hit us with blue skies harder...the bluuue uue doesn't hit us between the eyes...your bringing me right up to the edge with this fun groove...now ..pop us with it!!

The horns are now more clear but since you have not added more sections of it it just doesn't really hit us again...close but not enough...take em out and go for a great guitar riff that has the same melody and let it soar...a guitar riff can't let ya down...

Anyway..I know you have put a ton of work into this...so ignore my observations and have some fun!!!

Mike,



Come back as often as you like You've been incredibly helpful and I appreciate your excitement on this song.



I kept both versions up for comparison.

Under Blue Skies

Waitin' On You



Hmm..I'll think about that..it feels pretty good singing it now. There's a song titled "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights" so the phrase seemed to work..but I definitely see opportunities to trim some words here and there.

Cute mouse..and that song Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby was played endlessly about a year back. It's a great song, and they make wordy work!

..ant

Hey Ant:

This is still catchy as hell. I like the new lyric better.

I love the extended "blue" part. I think you could make it pop more (as Ted wanted to hear) by bringing up the harmonies right at that spot.

Has a retro feel - which I really dig!

Scott

Ant,

Just a few thoughts on the lyric. I think since you have the some purposeful extra syllables in your lyric to hit on the beats, stretching out word "blue" makes that portion of the chorus stand out. You may want to add some harmonies, as Scott and Ted suggested, or add syllables to the line to hit the beats, as you have throughout the rest of song.

I was wondering if this would work:

We'll run to a place with only blue skies
Why do you want these rainy days and nights
When we could be living together under blue skies

I'm not sure about "forever and together", it's a nice internal rhyme in the verse, but if this were mine I would cut one or the other.

This song is really catchy and does have 'that retro feel'. The music just kind of makes you start bobbing your head back and forth when you hear it. I like the horns too. I know lyrics really don't matter that much with a song like this, so I'm not sure how helpful this is. Anyway, I enjoyed listening to it.

Hi Ant

Just come back to see how this great song of yours is going, cause this Aussie girl loves it. It's a stick in the head song hah.

Aussie fan

Michele

Michele,

Thank you for checking in, glad you like this one. I will continue to work on this, but have no time right now, sadly. Congrats on your 1K views. Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Wendy,

Thanks for your suggestions. I always appreciate any help on lyrics.

Scott,

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I'm thinking about updating the harmonies and looking forward to re-recording when I find time, now that I'm over my cold.

..ant

Hi Arrived late and have not read what others say. So here are my thoughts for what it is worth. Overall catchy retro 60s pop there is a huge market for this and it seems to be in vogue. I would put in a lot more harmonies especially in the chorus. It needs that to give it a lift. But is pretty good as is. Perhaps the lead could sing slightly higher in chorus again to separate it out and give that lift. This song cries out for lots of falsetto. Good job on what you got up till now.

Hi Folks,

Back with this one. Posting an updated recording, all new mix, so I'd appreciate feedback if you're not already sick of this one. I really appreciate all the feedback I've already received on this one.

I re-recorded it in a new key - one step up - to make it easier to sing. Funny I always thought lowering the key would make things easier to sing, but the chorus just seemed to be a bit low and this made it easier to hit the "we'll live together under" part - at least I think I hit it.

Song is at the same location as before.

Under Blue Skies

..ant

Ant, I'm hearing this for the first time. My suggestion is simple...you should have posted this one first and you wouldn't have had to endure all the critiques and suggestions. JUST KIDDING! (Wit doesn't come across too well in a posting, does it?)

Man, this is one cool song! If you don't mind, I think I may just go back and listen again. Yeah, it's that kind of cool song!

Kiss your Muse. She did you right!
T

Ant...this recording stuff is hard...your song is awesome!!!...the vocals are good but sound like me recording...not bad but not really good...this is one of those songs I love...very cool pop sound...love that...would be worth the money to have a pro record this one...then pitch it like he*l to tv/film...it could easily find a home...

Please take this the way it is intended... your song is very good...just needs a little boost!!good luck

That is terrific. The intro starts well and picks up nicely into the song. The songs moves well. The music is good in conjunction with the lyrics. The melody and the beat are good in relation to each other. Very nice song.

Tom

I love the feel of this Ant.... and Love the rhythm and melody...
I'm having a bit of a hard time hearing the words in places...

This takes me back so....Nicely!!!!.....
It totally feels like everything is there... just music covers up words in places.....

whoops can't find my keyboard keys....can't stay still listening !!...

ENJOYED....
Kaley.....

Terrill,

Thanks a bunch. It's really been improving with all the feedback I got.

Ted,

Thanks for the feedback. I'm VERY unhappy with the tone on the guitars, is that what you're talking about? Or worse?

Tom,

Thanks!

Kaley,

Appreciate the comments. Yea, I gotta work on clearing up the vocals - it's hard with all the other sounds in there.

..ant

Hi Ant

First I wanna compliment you for working so hard on this and keeping at it.

And now what your going through, your concerned with your - guitar tones, the lyrics, the sound, the melodies how it sings, how it feels. How you sing, the recording, the mix...

All I can say is -
"Welcome To My World" LOL

Many of us concern ourselves with all these things, but do not address each one carefully enough. Sooner or later you just have to say "that's it, I'm done with it"

I rarely ever finish songs as a matter of fact I can't even finish them at all anymore.
But most of the times when i did, it was never like this is perfect I'm done..
It was " I'll settle for this" Or I was going for something specific here and not concerned with other certain aspects.... It's never really done and we always want more or better.. But you can reach a point where you just - "Got It"

I have noticed from your posts you are mostly an A/B song guy....

This song is a perfect example of it.. you have two sections A & B There are lots of songs like this I have few myself... Some of songs like this suffer from it though.

What is does is often knock out a legitimate chorus.. now as we said when you first started this your main battle was, your verses are musically the same as you chorus That's cool At least half my songs do that on purpose! and work fine....

Only I usually separate the musical changes with a different melody, you have pretty much the same melody phrasing on your verses as your chorus... we figured that out before as well..

So your song sounds like it starts with the chorus... which makes this song VERY CATCHY and exciting... but it's that exact hook that works against you later

Fortunately the horns and backing vocals and sounds are great hooks that help the song throughout....

One thing - I didn't care for the phrasing in the chorus... felt jammed up a bit...
and you keep changing the line.. keep that line the same

" There'll be no more rainy days or rainy nights" jams up..

If your gonna say those lines in the chorus just say:

We'll live together- under blue skies
No more rainy days or rainy nights


Consistent everytime with this one, with the similar melodies and the constant varations on the chorus I never walk away singing anything consistent in my head, except the bass line and horn line

Still a GREAT song but still coming across like a great undiscovered b side of the 45
I'm dying to flip it to an A side hit

Wish I had the perfect answers for you on this... I'm tortured enough with my life & my own music which is one in the same for me....

Hi ant

Nice job, sounded good to me, very enjoyable to listen to.

Hi Ant:

I'm not always good at checking back - glad I did. Love the new version and still diggin' this song. Love the blu-uu-uu-uu-uu skies part

I'm a sucker for this kind of pop song

Scott

Mike,

Appreciate your comments. And your help throughout. I feel this has really improved due to all the help I've received here. At this point if I can get the guitars to sound right I think I'm done. Honestly, I'm pretty excited about getting to the level of "great undiscovered B side" in your assessment. But I'll keep looking for that A side hit on other tunes

OG, thanks!

Scott,

Glad you could come back. I know that's a challenge. Really glad to hear you like this.

..ant

Ant

before I even read your respones I was gonna come back and say, great job let it go! lol...

This is a fine song and know ones says you can't re-visit it one day if you want and change it around. It's best to keep creative and move on.

I do that but I leave too many unfinshed things laying around. I'm bad like that
I'm really really tough on myself and others I work with. I want one killer song over 20 that are so so... Every single one has to have a whole bunch of elements or a few very strong ones.

The reason I pushed hard on this song was because it's so good already and has
something special... it's soooo close to that A side.

Move on pal you deserve it, maybe one day for fun send me this song instrumentally
I may by some miracle figure out what I'm trying to explain myself lol....

Good Luck & I'm happy I could help... I thought this thread was worth 100 "Nice Song" drop by's lol...

I listened again to see how it would sound a second time and it really hold up for me. The second time, I get a real sense of power from it. My prior comments hold.

Tom

Hi Folks,

finishing touches. this is the final mix. download enabled. thanks to everyone (especially Mike) for all the generous feedback and tips. i learned a lot on this one.

..ant

Under Blue Skies


..ant

I remember this one now, when can I purchase your album hah???

Oh Golly gosh, Wow, congratulations, this Aussie girl is hooked.

What talent we have here on JPF, your now added to my itunes with all of my other favorite JPF stars.

YIPEE!

Michele

Much cleaner...nice recording...vocals were spot on...congrats man...you put some serious work into this...like that you have horns laying ubderneath this so that the horn solo doesn't come out of nowhere...good job!!

Nice strong song. The opening beat is effective and the song has a good feel. The lyrics work well with the music. Vocals are good.

"Beggin' you darling." is a very good phrase - it really makes the song for me. I would put this in a few more times.

Blue .... is a little akward.

Tom

... and lose the horns - they sound out of place and like an afterthought and they are muffled.

Tom

Hi Ant

Yep - you've really made this one shine jm

Michele: glad you enjoyed it.

Ted: thanks for coming back, and i really appreciate your feedback throughout. you're were so right when you said this recording stuff is hard, and you really motivated me to work on the overall tone/mix with your feedback, and the mix is better for it.

Tom: interesting you caught the "begging you darlin'" line. till now I didn't fully realize i used it three times, and also had "begging please". but you're right, i think this is a "begging" song, the guy's probably singing it on his knees

Tom: ...and no, the horns aren't coming out , but I'm always happy to listen again for the muddiness you're talking about

Joice: thanks!

..ant

Hey Ant,

What a fun listen, and a really good tune! I'm glad I caught it this time around. I didn't hear any earlier versions but listening to your final track I definitely think the effort you've put into this had paid off. Great work. Sounds like the singer needs to move out to California!

ant:

I remember this one from way back when. I like the rewrite and the new mix. You kept the great groove and highlighted the hook. Very catchy and a great listen.

Mark

Nicely done.....good sound all the way round. I didn't hear the earlier version but you have it in good shape now.

Rob: glad you enjoyed it, and you got it right, the singer belongs in California.

Mark: thanks for giving it another listen, appreciate the feedback.

Colin: appreciate the feedback, thanks.

sorry for the slow responses folks, i was traveling without internet access.

..ant

Hi Ant

Just wanted to drop in and say congrats! on this. I know you worked very hard on it and it shows. I think you got it everything is cool. I would still like a few edits, for various versions. Shorten the solo by one round, and repeat some choruses at the end old school stuff like that. I want that baby fading on that chorus

Great work dude! Fun catchy song with character and a unique arrangement and those horns are GREAT!!!!!! never take them out but you know that already.

ant, very nice work, love the vocals and the arrangement, i only read one other comment and i think sub hit it, double chorus at the end with a fade out and presto the perfect arrangement. this is good music...be well...moker

Ant: Its got lots of punch and energy to it to say nothing of the fine production. I liked the horns. Great pop song - sounds like someting from 60's vintage. Great great feel....Paul

Mike: thanks a bunch for another listen and all the great advice

Moker: appreciate the listen, i'll try out that double-chorus, haven't figured out how to bridge between two choruses

Pau: thanks, yea i like those horns too - even if they're synth.

..ant