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Hi Folks,

9/24/08: final mix

5/28/08: updated with new recording, feedback please.

3/31/08: Posting a new version with re-written lyrics. The song is now called "Under Blue Skies". I'll keep the Waiting On You version up for a while too, until I hear the new version is actually an improvement

3/8/08: Posting second version with revised chorus and new recording. Same location as before.

..ant

Under Blue Skies

I'm packing my bags and I'm taking what's mine
I'm tired of this rain, yea it's rainin' all the time
I gotta find somewhere where the sun will always shine

And you like it here where it's always cold and gray
But I'm begging you darling can't we please move away
I'm hoping you'll come with me ‘cuz I know I'll never stay

There's gotta be something I could say
There's gotta be something I could do
I begging you darling to come with me

We'll live together under blue skies
Why do you want these rainy days and rainy nights
When we could live forever together under blue skies

I keep on hoping that maybe you'll see
That everything good between you and me
Could last forever if we only wanted it to be

But I gotta get out of this endless pouring rain
Is it too much to hope that you feel the same
Don't you feel deep inside that we both could use a change

There's gotta be something I could say
There's gotta be something I could do
I begging you darling don't you see

We'll live together under blue skies
We don't need no rainy days or rainy nights
When we could live forever together under blue skies

There's gotta be something I could say
There's gotta be something I could do
I'm down on my knees I'm begging please

Let's live together under blue skies
There'll be no more rainy days and rainy nights
When we live forever together under blue skies

Hey Ant, nice groove, I was wanting to hear you go up with the melody in the last half of the chorus, but 2nd time I heard the chorus it was fine, so I'm not much help

Hey Ant,
I think there's a lot of great stuff in this like the melody of the verse, your voice, the arrangement and the musical talent. The thing that is missing for me is a strong hook line.

This isn't a form with a chorus, so the last line of the verses should be the place to bring the hook home.

Hope this helps in some way.

Best of luck.

Heidi

Hi Ant!

Hey I really the music - great stuff!

I think you are on the right track, but I have some ideas that occur to me. One thing would be to pare down some of the lines. Like the 3d line could be just "Wondering why you never have the time" and that would help to maybe vary the rhythm and melody more. Maybe the 6th line could be just "Spend all my time sitting by the phone"

I would lift the melody and hold the notes longer on "Something I could say" and on "something I can do " Cut "That I just" and "We could" on the 4th and 6th lines. Do the same with the other verses shorten the lines to the important and powerful words and the song will get some air and sing better.

Pete

Hey Ant:

Very cool song!

Only suggestion from me:

Was expecting these lines to hit big:

That I just can't keep carrying this weight like a stone
If we could just find some time all alone

If you added a harmony to them I think they would

Nice song - yeah, a little different for you!

Scott

Ant -

I really like the intro - that beat captured my attention immediately. I can't give much advice since it isn't a style I play. I think Scott might be onto something there with his harmony suggestion. The horns and doo-wop are a great surprise .

Clint

Hi Ant,
I really enjoyed this. Nice groove throughout for me. I wasn't expecting the trumpet but nice touch. Enjoyed. Take it easy! Steve
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=642220&content=music

Louis,

Thanks for commenting. I'll experiment with some higher notes on the chorus - the song was already in a high key for me so I did limit myself. Maybe if I drop it down, I ca experiment more.

Heidi,

Thanks for the advice - I hear what you're saying. I'll keep looking for the hook.

Pete,

Glad you like it. Great tips on ways to get more melody/less talk into it. I'll try it out.

Scott,

My next step was to try out some harmonies in places. I'll definitely try to pump up those lines. Thanks!

Clint,

Thanks for the listen. The "horns and doo-wop" were a surprise to me as well, but it's just what I'm hearing right now. I've been worried the synth horns would be just too cheesy, but I'm glad to hear they were a good surprise.

Stephen,

Appreciate your feedback. I was biting my nails on the synth trumpet, so it's good to hear that it came across OK.

I appreciate all the feedback folks.

..ant

you have a pretty good general rthymn on the song

the trumpet clashes alot in my opinion.....doesnt belong in this.........and the background vocals are not helpful........but i have liked alot of what you have done in the past.......you have alot of talent....i think saying "i'm tired" 3 times in the first verse is not only overdoing that point-but would prob cause a guy in music row listening to kill it off right there and reach for one of their rejection letters.......but u do have a very good rthymn thing going and its a real upbeat vocal delivery that actually in my opinion clashes with the title and the rest of the lyrics...if u do a rewrite i would suggest a title change and also a quick transition from its over-it aint happening anymore-to the new direction/new chick whatever you got to replace the one you are tired of.....again-u do alot of great stuff ant..........keep em coming my man!

TOM

Hi Ant

This was a big surprise right off the bat I loved the beat, bass and feeling of this song.

It's so retro and that is cool... Came across with a great uplifting energy like such classics as "Sugar Sugar" or "My Girl"

The positives to work off are : A great groove,tempo and driving rythm hook.

The horn line and back ground vocal you have in here is 100% ON THE MONEY
It is the strongest thing in the whole song. Do not take it out or change it, just use it more. It has to get into this song earlier... way earlier.

The length of the tune is perfect.....

The downsides: number one is a tie between the lyrics and the arrangement.

This song is not for shopping to solo artists this a young bands type of song, so on this one you are stuck in a world with many others. I am stuck in that position almost all the time. So obviously forget Country, and Nashville and that whole scene. For goal purposes you have to make this sound like the artist and be lucky to have a pop band do it. Or make it so it can go into film & TV yourself.

"Sugar Sugar" has oh well, corny/silly kinda words in it. You dont! You have simple lyrics which is good but not leaning enough to any particular way to have the appeal
the song would need.
There was a hit song just a few years back called "Stacy's Mom" by a young group called Fountains Of Wayne go check out there site...
http://www.fountainsofwayne.com/main.asp

Either be more humoures or more quirky, edgy... you have a REALLY fun song here
and these lines are not helping that image and vibe....

Go to that bands site & poke around
You will see how close you are

The arrangement - Your song really has no "legitamite chorus" as I like to call it. Honestly you are opening with sort of the chorus in this song.

The arrangment as in so many cases makes and breaks songs all the time.
The best thing you can do for this song is you have to find one other completely different melody/phrasing for it.
Notice when you get here:

I wish there were somethin' I could say
I wish there were somethin' I could do
To make you see


You have a different melody and chord change, sort of like a pre-chorus in my opinion. then when it comes to :

That I just can't keep carrying this weight like a stone
If we could just find some time all alone
We could remember that it wasn't always like this, oh no

This melody goes right back to opening melodies like - I'm tired of just sitting, etc...
You could actually use the "I'm tired of jut sitting I'm tired of standing etc...
as your chorus.
You need one more alternate verse melody then something with shorter phrases perhaps. Get away from that opening melody or you will kill any potential chorus.

What will make your chorus a home run is help.... and that could very well come from your GREAT horn/backing vocal part.. either under it or after it for a measure every single time... That could work great actually..

Ant - Your sitting there by yourself with a bunch of really really cool ideas and you have no one to bounce themm off of. You have No Band
Trust me -go drastic and keep fooling with this arrangement wise,

It has GREAT potential... and also try to make this "Tired" thing pay off lyrically

Hey I'm tired of just waiting' around
And I'm tired of you putting me down
Always wondering what our outcome will be
Only hoping you never get tired of me
Or - But I'll never get tired of you something along those lines to start with.

Have fun stay simple but look for a little catch or hook in the simple story line.
and organize the hooks in your music you have some great ones in there...
This has lots of potential but needs work.

You just got a pro critique lol...and it didn't cost you a penny Be well my friend!

Ant: I really got excited when I heard this for the first time. Wow! Just brought me back to how I felt hearing something great rock or pop right out of the gate. I don't know what to say about it Its got so much going for it. It really feels like a classic rock song. Its really infectious. Its got a really tight groove which really propells it and makes it a really great song in my mind. What a treat!!

Later, he expounded.........................

I listened to it a little more red Sub's review and pretty much agree with most of what Sub said and agree that it has the feel of the Fountains of Wayne song: Stacy's Mom.

I like the brass sound. It comes out of nowhere almost. I guess I would be happy if you put a few simple quick single trumpet jabs very sparsely sprinkled near the beginbing as a sort of a tease to create anticipation that this song will soon open up with to include tight grooving horn section. Athough part of me enjoyed being suprised by an already high energy song being ratched up to a higher level with the horns. Wow!!

I like this song more that anything on the radio that I have heard lately. I would think about charting the horns to get a little more higher energy more powerful phrasing that keeps up with the energy of the song. Maybe a higher and puncher phrasing...I don't know.

You know if you do nothing, you have captured and bottled pure joy for me that I can come back to and sample again and again.

Regards...Paul

Paul

Sub is right on most all his observations...the horns are fun but need to be more the focal point...earlier in the song...they also should be played better cause they sounded like me playing and you don't want that!...good job!!

Man, Ant, you're getting excellent feedback. I really like the song, love the vocal, feel it is a great direction for you.

Suggestion-wise, I would rewrite the chords and melody of

I wish there were somethin' I could say
I wish there were somethin' I could do

and lead it back into the way you already come in on

To make you see

I think that particular change-up could put this one over the top, and your lyrics would have an easier time matching up with it. I also think the horns are fun...but not as compelling as the great sound that catches us with that bass and those acoustic guitars...great modern alternative pop sound.

Good stuff, maynard!

Hey Ant......Very nice job on this. I love the judicious use of the horns. This is ready for primetime in my humble opinion. Great groove as well! Arealrush

Tom,

Thanks for the feedback. Probably the most frequent comment I've gotten on my music in the past has been "loosen up" and "take some risks". This is definitely an attempt at that, especially the horns/trumpet. The lyrics were the first thing I thought of and I intend to spend time fixing them up. Thanks for the advice.

Mike,

What can I say? Thank you so much for the detailed review. You've been helpful in so many ways on my past songs and I truly appreciate it.

Glad you like the horns. I almost posted this without them. It was a last-minute add - it had been floating around in my head for a few days so I decided to give it a shot. I'd already been experimenting with using them more and I think it'll help to bring them in sooner, and clean them up.

The lyrics I just threw together and was on the fence whether I should clean them up or throw them out and start over. I'm pretty bad at starting things over so I'll first try to clean them up. Thanks for the tips. I'm going to experiment with chorus/harmonies on the vocals. I also like your idea of trying one more alternate verse melody. This song to me is just chorus all the way through - trying to keep the energy up. The horns and the "I wish there were something' I could say" line is just a break between choruses. So trying to create another alternate break is a good idea. I agree that I like the song length where it is and don't want to add much more.

I'll go listen to Fountains of Wayne.

>>Ant - Your sitting there by yourself with a bunch of really really cool ideas and you have no one to bounce themm off of.

That's why I'm on JPF

Paul,

Thanks for your generous positives on this one. And the thumbs up on the horns. I'm experimenting on bringing them in sooner - but not too soon, as I think they add energy and help the song end bigger than it starts.

Ted,

Thanks for the listen. I'll clean up those horns best I can.

Mark,

Thanks. I'm gonna first try some harmonies on those two lines, try to beef them up in prep for the "to make you see" line.

Arealrush,

Thanks! It feels like my risk-taking is paying off.

..ant

Your on the right track.Its got vibe..Horns a little flat

I forgot to mention FOW...like Sub did...he reminded me...they are a great pop/rock band...some of the best lyrics and music I have heard in a while...they even play a couple country songs just to show they can...

Michael,

Thanks. I agree I gotta clean up the horns.

..ant

I like the feel this has. It's a little juxtopposed to the lyric, happy music and a relationship that's boring them both...Melody line is kinda flat, needs some peaks that go a little higher. If I didn't see the title I wouldn't know what to call it after listening...You're a good writer Ant, you have a folk artist sound to what you do, me I'm a pitcher I write for others to use cause I have no desire to be the artist anymore, but I do have a strong desire to be one of their writers...thanks for the post, I really like when the horn kicked in...Moker

Hi Ant,
Love the vibe and feel you have going here!
Very very cool. KEEP the horns.
Listen to Sub. He has great ears, and he's usually right

What I feel I'm wanting after this song is a HAPPIER lyric. Sure, it's fine to put a bouncy beat to sad lyrics when you want to - but something "Louie Louie"-ish would work just great with this sort of song. And with music this fun, you don't have to fill up every space with a lyric. Just keep playing.

Way cool would be to find a real trumpet player. Yeah!

Easy to listen to - you're headed in a great direction! Thanks for sharing it. Nice stuff.

Linda

Ant:

Great groove on this song! You've already gotten lots of great feedback on this, but the thing that stood out the most for me was something several others (Scott, Heidi and Sub) mentioned:

That it's only me who's carrying this weight like a stone
I guess I will find my way on my own

I think these two lines are holding the chorus back (musically.) Harmonies may be the answer, but my first reaction was that the melody and chords of these lines should be redone. These should be the two lines that everyone who hears the song is still singing two hours later.

Good luck with this one!

Mark

Moker,

I'll try some higher melodies..this felt like a stretch already but i might as well try. I'm in a really different place..I'm not trying to pitch or be the artist, just want to make some songs that feel good, are recorded decently, and I can share with friends. Most of these songs I wrote over 20 years ago, just trying to get them down on record in some form or another beyond my musty old college cassettes. I appreciate all your support and feedback.

Linda,

Thanks for the feedback. I'm also thinking a happier lyric could fit. I'm gonna try finishing the lyric I have, then do a totally different re-write - never done that before so it should be a challenge.

Mark,

Thanks for the listen. I definitely have to raise those two lines..still working on how.

..ant

Hi Ant

Just checking back to see how it's going.

I know it's easy to talk about ideas and suggestions for a song and way harder to actually get it done. Be patient with this one I think it has great commercial potential as well as being a good song. Don't settle! even if you have to put it aside do another song and come back to it. Ya know the deal.

Hi Mike

Wow! I consider it a great compliment that you're checking in on my little song. I will definitely work hard on this one, given all the positive feedback. Don't want to let anyone down now. Already trying out many ideas from the the generous feedback I've received. As you might be aware already, I work pretty slowly, mostly due to having very little free time (and a really cold garage!).

Updates will be posted here for sure.

..ant

Hi Folks,

Here's an updated version. I cleaned up the horns and brought them in sooner. Cleaned up some bass. Main vocal is still the original rough vocal but I'm trying out some harmonies to see if that helps, since I haven't yet come up with an updated main melody. Working on lyric scrub, but haven't updated yet.

And I'm renaming the song "Waitin' On You". Didn't like "I'm Tired" as a name.

Appreciate any feedback, good or bad. I will be traveling on business the next couple of days so I may not have a chance to reply right away.

Same link as before:

Waitin' On You

..ant

Hiya Ant,

Like the direction you've taken with this track. Reminiscent of CCR for me, and I loved that band.

I hear a few nice hooks in the song itself but maybe they need to be brought out using some different arrangements of the instrumentation or those BV's you were talking about.

Particularly where the song bridges to the chorus has potential for a nice hook I think it drops to an Em chord.

Strong vocal style, good upbeat melody but I think the arrangement needs a little tweaking from a production standpoint, particularly the guitar having the same texture throughout, maybe add a few different textures here and there, picked, flange, gentle distortion over the top.

I liked the horns, the oohs and aahs are the right idea but need to be redone, some slight tuning/timing issues.

I think you know all this stuff already though?

The melody is fairly strong and quite memorable a little more variation needed in later verses.

I hope my post helps.

Cheers
Steve

Ant...I really like this song....I'm not so sure you needed the horn at the end....but that was unique....It's a catchy 60's type song....I like the music....the horn I'm still digesting....good one.....Bob

Steve,

Thanks for the listen. Great suggestion on the guitar. I'd been pleased that I could carry this song on one guitar, but it probably could use a changeup with a second guitar midway.

All the vocals are rough. On the background vocals, I did the very quick just to see if they can help pump up the energy on the vocals without having to re-write that section, which I've tried but haven't come up with anything.

Robert,

Thanks. I'll give that a try and the how the ending sounds. Or at least try something a little different than just cut/paste of the solo, which I did for now

..ant

Hi Ant

Okay is the version up now the latest?? I think it is....

1- When you get to the horn solo section cut it in half, you have it twice and it feels too long.

2- Cut out these lines out going into the last chorus somehow for sure. Or alter them slightly. They are cramming the section badly,killing your hook leading into the next section. Actually it's hurting all the choruses.....

But now I can see
That it's only me who's carrying this weight like a stone

I wish there were somethin' we could say
I wish there were somethin' we could do

carrying this weight like a stone
I guess I will find my way on my own
And try to remember that it wasn't always like this, oh no

Maybe just leave

But now I can see hold out " see--------" long or two short ones..
double it up. "Now I can see"

"Make you see" "make you see" or alter the lines, these ar4e things you can play with.

Now this "can't keep carrying this weight" is a bit tongue twister and it's not singer friendly "carrying" is really killing it.

You have to determine your chorus for sure here, with the way it's laid out now
this section seems like the pre-chorus going into the chorus..

I wish there were somethin' I could say
I wish there were somethin' I could do
To make you see
That I just can't keep carrying this weight like a stone
If we could just find some time all alone
We could remember that it wasn't always like this, oh no

Then right after that it sounds like:

I'm tired of just hopin' that maybe you will see
That everything good between you and me
Could last forever if we only wanted it to be
I'm tired of just hopin' that somethin's gonna change
You're growin' so cold, you're acting so strange
I don't know how you don't see what this is doin' to me

Then It sounds like this is your chorus

Got to get this arrangment nailed first and foremost...

Hi Ant

I'm staying with your tune for now, I been going over the entire mp3 page
and haven't found the right tune to pick out and develop.

What we have to start thinking about is borrowing some formatt ideas and get them to gel with what you have so far. We need some inspiration and we can take what we want and leave the rest.

I use You Tube when looking for audio of songs it's just faster than going to a hundred sites that may not aloow me to hear a song...

So go here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGL4btEIoTo&feature=related

This is "Sugar Sugar" by The Archies and you will pick up on my vibe immediately. This song is as catchy as it gets Yours can be that way to. But we can't have peole stumbling over the melody or lyric EVER

We have to borrow there simple A-B format a little... check it out and come on back.
lol....

Thinks this way - Make what seems like drastic changes in your song... and don't forget you can always go back to what you had, Make 2 versions if need be.
Forget about that old "I was inspired to write it this way" nonsense.

You may have been inspired to come up with the really cool great stuff you have in there already and we run out of creative gas old pal lol... we all run out.

Now we have to start thinking, and being clever and using some proven format to help us.

I’m sure that I’m not adding anything new, but if not I’m at least reinforcing some other observations. I see were you can give this song a shot in the arm by re-writing part of the chorus:

I wish there were somethin' I could say
I wish there were somethin' I could do
To make you see

When you hit the line “To make you see”, it sounds as if you should soar up in to a totally different jubilant sounding melody or even side-ways into some unexpected place (like a minor chording of some type...I like the way the Beatles did something similar on "We Can Work It Out" where the verses were all bright and bouncy and the the hook shifts into a more somber serious sounding place). Instead it seems you settled for going back into the melody of the verse and calling it your “chorus” when really it’s just a slight variation of your verse (which actually works to my ears for some things like blues and folk…heck Dylan wore that technique out for a gazillion songs) If you took a few notes out or maybe went to a different key; slowed down the rhythm…anything to give it a totally different feeling than what came before that would really add some variety. Otherwise, it begins to sound a little monotonous. This is not a totally negative observation because the verse and that bit of the chorus up until “To make you see” are actually workable outside of the lyrical tweaking that was suggested by Sub and others.

I just think if you up the ante melodically on the chorus this would greatly enhance the song. I won’t say much about the lyrics because I generally try to get the music together 1st and then deal with lyrics. I hope this helps. Actually critiquing (even if you don’t get it right) is a great way to gain insight into songwriting. This is a learning process for all of us. Thanks for putting up with my rambling.

PS
The intro kind of reminded me of “Beat On The Brat” by The Ramones for some reason.

I agree with what Brown Eggs says about the chorus...in fact, that whole paragraph, I ALWAYS agree with. Take it somewhere else and bring it back home to the verse.

And what Sub said, as a given. Sub is like E.F.Hutton.

With a baseball bat,

-Lyle

Hey Ant

The music on this was awesome. Took me right back to the late 60s (which I love). The lyrics were good however they do ramble a little. The hook I think should be Carryin' this weight like a stone in my opinion because it's much catchier than Waitin' on you (for one thing "Tired of waiting for you" has already been done by the Kinks) So carryin' this weight like a stone like I say sounds much catchier. The music was awesome though wouldn't change a thing there.
Derek

Mike,

I was worried my lyrics were too silly, but after reading "I just can't believe the loveliness of loving you" (Sugar Sugar), I think I can relax a bit until I get the structure worked out

I'm trying out a lot of ideas here. Really working on the lines after "I wish there were somethin' I could do". I can see now how the energy drops by going back to a melody too similar to the beginning. Working on changing it up and raising it up. Wish I had more time.

BrownEggs,

You say it well: "you settled for going back into the melody of the verse ". that's exactly what happened..and it works for my more folkie stuff, but not here so much..thanks for the advice.

thanks for the pointer to Beat On The Brat..didn't know that one..what a great song!

Mark,

Thanks for the listen and advice.

Derek,

Thanks, glad you enjoyed it..Of course..Kink's Tired Of Waiting For You..great song..great band

Not sure where the lyrics will end up, but I'll keep that in mind.

..ant

Hi Ant

Yes "Sugar Sugar" the great thing about that song is it's feel.... and your song has that feel which is what lured me in, in 5 seconds.

That song is silly but really really really catchy, you need to try to find that middle somewhere. See You're lyrics aren't silly enough or they aren't saying enough.

The whole song was tongue & cheek, with sugar & sweet & the clever way it goes

Sugar Sugar ah Honey Honey, you are my candy girl
And you got me wanting you

"I just can't beleive the loneliness of loving you" - great flow and simple play on words, great to sing!

Silly as that is, it's very clever especially for the time. And most importantly it's committed to an idea, a simple one but an idea that just keeps coming at you.

Waiting On You needs to be something either more fun or more playful, or something else ?? Wish I could put my finger on it but that what makes writing good songs or hit songs soooo hard. I know it;'easy to give examples of known hit songs
but sometimes that doesn't reach home with friends you are talking with and working with.

But sometimes if you can see the examples in your friends work or people you can actually talk with you get more inspired and think "hey this is all in my reach"

Here's a small example from one of my songs a friend and I co-wrote.

Little Things

When he first told me about the song i knew the subject and title was overused and tired. But I figured people keep reusing the same stuff and having success wth it "why do I always have to be the one to re-invent the wheel"

My partner had the opening verse and I wrote the chorus words and melodies. Anyway it was a little lame for my tastes but I swallowed that and got the song done. Later I really liked it. I also enjoyed many aspects of the song as well. We just needed to put our little twist on it.

Little Things

A simple note stuck to the door
Would make your love seem so much more
Pen a heart,smiley face X's O's and leave a space
To sign your name

There's something to say, say for the little things
That you give, they mean more than anything
As long as I live, I'll savior the little things
In my heart, In my heart

Pen a heart,smiley face X's O's and leave a space to sign your name

Again 4 images inside one line, all relative and you got the inside the same line rhyme thing. Which I just used again "inside the same line, rhyme"

It's playful, a little unexpected especially the X's & O's.. it flows perfect in the song
melody wise (MOST important)

And it does not have the same points as the other "Little Things" songs
A fresh little twist on something old

It's a little easier to explain when it's my own stuff......
But This is exactly what you need on "Waiting For You"

We just keep shooting a litte higher and higher with this and we may not reach the moon but we might touch a star

Okay How lame was that? LOL

PS-

Unlike the many who blow through here and go away I probably won't abandoned this and you. So it's very important to know that when you need space or get a little overwhelmed,to say "Mikey I need a little time to work on it and we'll come back to it later"

That's totally cool... Cause we all need a push but not all the time.

If we were sitting in room collaborating on this and even if I didn't ahve the actual solutions to play & sing too you.. this is the exact kinda stuff I'd be doing.
This is what i do with friends who come over to write, talk pump each other up.
reason it out LAUGH alot eat pizza, and motivate each other.

Sometimes even get results!

Sugar Sugar is a good song! A little "Songfacts" info: It was written by Andy Kim and Jeff Barry. It was performed by session musicians including Kim, Toni Wine, Ron Dante and Ellie Greenwich. Kim had a hit in 1974 with "Rock Me Gently," Dante produced "Mandy" for Barry Manilow and "Heartbreaker" for Pat Benatar. Greenwich has written many famous songs, including "Be My Baby" and "Chapel Of Love." Toni Wine wrote the hit songs "A Groovy Kind Of Love" and "Candida."

My favorite version of Sugar Sugar (which was also performed by Tom Jones and Ike and Tina Turner) was by Bob Marley and the Wailers. Yes, that's right. I have it on one of his rarities albums. Haven't checked out this YouTube link, so can't vouch for it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojN1kPssVc8

We now return you to Ant's thread.

Hey bro - you're too much funny! great lol....

It's sounding really good !!!

My suggestions would be a higher harmony vocal part on the start of the chorus to make it pop more.

I have a line suggestion on "That I just can't keep carrying this weight like a stone" - that you could shorten it to "That I can't carry this weight like a stone" that line just seems too crowded to me.

Pete

Ant,

I like it. The music is danged near infectious. In this style/genre, the lyric isn't nearly as important as the music, in my opinion...just the opposite of country. Go figure! Although the lyric isn't awesomely pwerful, I think it suits this song quite well. Ya got me hummin' the danged thing. So, the music obviously sold it for me. Pete did have a good suggestion (he often does, ya know), about the harmony. This one world for me.

Al

Thanks for the great link to the Wailers Mark! I'm not surprised they would cover a song like that during that period of their career (probably the late 60's), they were still pretty young and not established yet. I think that should be encouraging to Ant with "Waitin' O You" in that as was mentioned earlier, if you have a killer melody the lyrics don't exactly have to be Shakespeare to cut it. Most times when I listen to Sugar Sugar I barely even notice the lyrics. Just the tune itself. I'm glad you've got Sub here coaching you along on a consistent basis. If you stick with this song it will be fine.

I can't wait Ant to listen to the final product. I love it, and I gave you five stars. Wow.

I will make the time, to read all these posts. What a great learning experience!

Go Ant!!!!!! I am so excited for you!

Michele
Aussie girl from down under

Hi Ant... I love how you took us right into the song...and made me feel like moving..... An acquaintence of mine on another board took a song like this...and put some younger tweeny bopper lyrics to it....and has it licensed with video....

I enjoyed it very much....Prior to reading the comments,
my ears centered on two lines..others have brought up...

To me, changing those two lines...and taking the melody somewhere different....will strengthen your song...

The stone and alone lines!!..

Glad I took a listen...enjoyed very much, Ant.

best to you this evenin'....
Kaley

Melodies and Demos:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=8404&content=music
Children Songs:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=6469&content=music
Wyman and Kaley's Andy & Friends CD
http://cdbaby.com/cd/kwwg

Hi Ant

Gave you five stars, so I can find your song. I love it, hows it going now?


Michele
Aussie girl from down under

Hi Folks,

Recently returned from a vacation - no internet access. Then been busy catching up with work, no time to post. But now I'm working on a new recording of this, trying to take in all the great feedback. Re-worked the chorus section. Not sure I improved it, but I'm hoping to be able to post it soon and get some feedback.

Michelle,

Thanks for the stars!

Kaley,

Thanks for the feedback. That's the part I'm reworking. Gonna focus first on improving/lifting the melody, then I hope to work on the lyrics.

BrownEggs,

I'm really focused on the tune right now, as I agree the lyrics are OK for now. Now if I could sing like Bob Marley, I'd have it nailed

Mark,

That Bob Marley cover of Sugar Sugar was sweet!

Al,

Thanks for the great comments, glad you enjoyed the song and I hope you like the update when it comes. Trying to make it a little "dang nearer" to infectious

Pete,

Thanks for the feedback. Yea, I gotta work on lyrics trim. Sometimes those wordy sections feel pretty good when you sing 'em, but they don't come out as smooth sounding as you think.

Mike,

I really appreciate all the help. And be assured that I am working on it, even if a bit slow.

Regards,

..ant

Hi Folks,

Thank you for all the generous comments and feedback.

I've posted a new version at the same link as before:

Waitin' On You

I've slightly revised the chorus. The updated lyrics are in the first post. The vocal is a bit rough in places, especially in the new section with higher, longer notes (tough). Singing "pop" is definitely new territory for me and I'm still learning how to carry it off.

But I'd appreciate any feedback good or bad on this new version. Did I improve it?

..ant

Hi Ant,

I just listened to your song. I really enjoyed it, the production and the vocals too. It reminds me of something like Breakfast at Tiffanys.

The only thing that I think you might consider is the Title. I kept feeling that it didn't apply to the hook. It seems like either "Tired" or "Weight Like A Stone".

Or maybe the chorus could say "I'm tired of sitting here waiting on you" to tie into the title.

I liked it

Letha

Hi Ant

Well this is coming along nicely.... like the intro build a lot here's what I would like to hear on this version....
The guitar sounds really fit to my ear better on the 'I wish ..... ' part....
I want a different guitar (sound altogether) on the 'I'm tired' sections. maybe and acoustic will work there?? or something..... I'd also really love to hear a strong bass part there. that's my spin. Love the horns too btw. jm

Ant,

I hate to even post on this because I feel I have nothing to offer. I'm such a total beginner/greenhorn when it comes to music/audio, etc. that it seems stupid for me to attempt to critique it.

I did want to say I like the groove. I like the harmonies and the horns too. Your vocal sounds good to me. I did not hear any straining, etc. If this were mine (and I wish it were), I would call it "Tired of Waitin' on You".

Hi Ant

Glad to see this back up on top. It is definitly getting better!!!

It's a bit smoother now overall, I you can really start hearing the differences between
sections better. I think that end still needs a lttle more distinction. Probably some
dynamics will help, musically and vocally. In other words your level of impact is the same throughout the song. The chorus should just play * sing a little harder and louder naturally. The vocal kinda sits at the same level of intensity. But that is just in the performance end.

As for the song the quick things that jump out to me now is

1- The intro (chorus) - I would leave the intro but only make it a half chorus. By letting it go all the way it's losing impact.
Try cutting it in half from where the singinging starts.

2- The solo section is the same way, I love the solo section but it may more effective cut in half OR leave it but instead of going to the verse/pre-chorus section
Go straight to the full chorus. Horns backing vocals and all included.

It seems to stall a little from the solo section out to the end. all great parts but maybe the arrangement hurts the impact.

Unless we come up with brillaint arrangements for our songs in one shot
we have to become maniacs! Trying different combinations our sections and parts.

3- Lyrics are much better... I would still love to come up with somthing more sticky... or at least get a definite chorus here that you can repeat.

I walk away from ths song everytime, singing that opening bass riff, and the first part of the chorus melody.. but the words never ever stay in my head.

Your groove feel and beat it the main hook here.. words will always take a back seat
to that and that is TOTALLY COOL! but just a touch more help to lyrics just takes
it one step further to a memorable classic rock band song.