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There is something under my left arm, buried deep in the breast tissue about a half inch under the skin. I can palpate the mass with my fingers. “It” is about the size of a large grape. I will call the mass an “It” for now-since I don't know what it is yet. I noticed “It” about a week or so ago because it was painful. Actually, the fact that it is painful is a very good sign. “It” is most likely an edematous lymph gland, which wouldn't surprise me at all given the nature of my sinuses. They are always aggravating me for one reason or another-animal dander, mold, mildew, pollen or dust seem to be the big ones.

I was scheduled for a much needed vacation this past week so I put “It” into the back of my mind-deal with “It” when I get back. Check. “It” on the waiting list of several things I didn't want to take care of till I got back. Besides, I figured “It” was really a swollen lymph gland and would clear up when my sinuses got better. So far, “It” hasn't.

“Now, what?” I ask myself. Will I go ahead and make an appointment with my internist to find out what “It” really is? I know, from past experience, that it will take at least 2 or 3 months to get in for a mammogram. Maybe they will push me ahead of the pack since “It” is there. Maybe "It's" nothing. What will I do if “It” turns out to be really something? Everything? No. Nothing? Maybe. Depends, I guess, on the “odds” of survival.

Despite the fact that I'm a nurse, I don't really see myself undergoing radiation or chemotherapy. For one thing, medicine can't cure anything. If we're lucky, it only buys us a little bit more time. We live. We die. That's how God intended it to be. If “It” is really “That”, then I don't think I want to institutionalize the inevitable. I worry about the quality of my remaining days. Do I want my hair to fall out or get radiation burns on my skin? No, of course not. I won't opt in for any of the side effects of chemotherapy-the esophagitis, the nausea, the vomiting and ultimately the profound weight loss. I want no part of having a mastectomy.

I just want to be left alone so that I can write and work. I want nothing more than to be able to have dinner with my friends or to travel when I can afford to do so. I want to laugh. I want to cry. I want to love my family and my friends and have them love me back. That's all I've ever wanted, really.

I'm 49 years old. That's more than some people get, but it's definitely not as much time as I need here. I still have a lot to do. I still have a lot to see and experience in this lifetime. I still consider myself the proverbial work in progress. I have scores to settle and amends to make. I'm one of those people with loose ends that could use some shoring up before I pass on to “the other side”.

There is still too much for me to learn. Honestly, I'm trying but even if I live to be 100 there is just just too much to comprehend. Things like the Black Hole, the Bermuda Triangle and everything beyond the universe. Heaven. Hell. Those are only a few examples. There are whole chapters in The Bible that I've never read. Heck, there are some that I have read but don't understand and believe it or not there are some that I don't find that credible. I'm not saying that I doubt there IS a God. I don't doubt Him for one minute. It's man's interpretation of it that I find the most confusing.

Humans are biased creatures. I know that because I am one. We like to twist the truth and bend it to our own benefit. Even when we don't do it on purpose, we do it subconsciously. It's just a subliminal, passive aggressive quirk we have as humans. We don't mean to, but it happens regardless. I'd like to think I'm not prejudiced, but deep down I realize I really am. There are times when I see color or nationality before I see the real person. For every strength I have, I must have at least 100 weaknesses that negate each good thing about me. I'd like to say that I've lived each day to the fullest, but I haven't. Many times I've taken the easy way out. The best way would have been too difficult or too time consuming for me.

Like any other human, I've sinned. I've gossiped. I've lusted. I've hated. I've even stolen a couple of times. Nothing major, of course-it was a minute or two at work and stuff like that, but stealing is stealing any way you do it. I've lied-mostly to myself, but it was lying, nonetheless. I haven't lived up to my own expectations. Most of all I'm sorry I haven't lived up to God's expectations of me. I haven't witnessed enough. I didn't go to my Granny's bedside when I knew she was dying. Why? Because I was selfish. I was only thinking of my pain, at the time.

If “It” turns out to be the worst thing imaginable, I feel like I need to leave something behind-but what? Words of wisdom, perhaps? Okay. Fine. I'm not doing this for those of you who might read these-mainly, I'm reminding myself of what's important. Anyway, here they are in a nutshell:

1.Don't do what I've done-do more.
2.Never make assumptions-ask before passing judgment and always know there are 2 sides to anything. God may have formed us all out of the same clay but we definitely weren't baked in the same ovens.
3.Love like there will be no tomorrow because it's possible you may never see it.
4.Never go to bed angry.
5.Be kind to everyone. You never know when you might need the person you were rude to.
6.When someone hurts you, indeed, turn the other cheek. They're probably hurting, too.
7.Remember, it takes 2 to have a relationship. Therefore, it can't always be about you.
8.Nothing lasts forever except God.
9.Some people may be quite special and unique, but they are not immortal. Choose your heroes wisely.
10. Own your weaknesses so they don't own you.

IT needs to be delt with and delt with NOW...

To tell people you know about IT and do nothing is, Selfish, and to some hurtful... Why?

Because WE LOVE YOU and we want you around for as long as possible (because we are selfish and would deny god of the pleasure of your company if we could). We will support you and encourage you however we can.

The thought of losing you our dear friend is painful.

Wether you believe in GOD (or not) we live and die at HIS WILL by OUR CHOICES... We can chose to do all we can or we can choose not to. Those who attribute their 106 years of long life to smoking and drinking wiskey heavily every day since they were 12 should have lived to at least 140 or 150 + but they chose not to ...

The legacy you leave on this world is the effect you have on those around you... Your friends and children and those you have touched through out your life.

I am one of those vain enough to consider myself your friend

A very effective piece of prose BTW

Take care

Hugs, Noel. I think just accepting what could be is cathartic. One day at a time is all I can handle. My granny had cancer. She had both breasts removed for all the good it did. The chemo and radiation made her so sick. I would never want that for myself. Let's see what tomorrow brings. I'm sure it's nothing more than a lymph gland.

Tricia,
I hope "It" is nothing.

John

I just stumbled upon this, Tricia....

Best of luck - you're in my thoughts.

As for this:



Man, does that resonate....

Please keep us posted!

Scott

Me, too, John. I think it's just caused from a sinus infection. I hope that's all it is.

Thanks, Scott. Nothing like a little knot to scare the crap out of you.

Tricia,

I got a swollen lyphnode last year from a spiderbite (black widow,or brown recluse) take your pick, a small dose of antibiotics solved that. You need to know what this "it" is, and get it taken care of. i'll hold your hand the whole time. I promise. HUGS

-Steve

Praying for your health Tricia!

Tricia,
All our prayers that you find "it" to be nothing.

Hey...Tricia...

I'm praying too...hon. love ya......
Kaley..

Gosh Tricia, Been gone so much I just now ran across this. .
You're a nurse so you probably know about this but they have oral Chemo now. Came out just recently. My brother-in-law is taking it and is about through with the course.He "did" have the surgery first---colon. He's had few of the side effect usually associated with chemo,(Well, he didn't have much hair to "fall out" )<G>.Much simpler than the standard . They just send him the pills when they're required. Heck, they were on vacation when they found it or just before they went. Anyway, they went ahead and went to Phoenix from Iowa and then Ca. and he took it as required. They're home now and it finishes in July. He's supposed to stsy out of the sun but being a farmer, of course he doesn't.
I don't want to go on and on but my other sister in law took chemo after surgery for breast cancer when relatively young and she lived to be an old woman.
OK, nuff said. I know more stuff about it to if you want to E me.
but you're the nurse . Best of luck, whatever you decide. It is , after all your decision. Not ours or the doctors or anyones else
Wy

Hi Tricia,

Yes, you're in my prayers as well. And Mr. Wyman's information sounds very promising. However, I'm still hanging on that good sign that it is painful (that probably sounds horrible to everyone who's not a nurse but you know what I mean). As much as I'm against the big pharmaceutical companies-----I would never advise a person against their trusted family doctor's advice. Please listen to your 'trusted' family doctor ok, whatever, the tests reveal.

Hugs,
Vanessa

Keep taking pictures of the beauty there in LA while you wait to find out. Think about lovely things like photographing flowers and such, ok?

Tricia,

With all my own health issues over the past few years, I've learned that all the difference is made by who the doctors are, how engaged they are in you as a patient and using a little common sense in the process. I had all sorts of extreme suggestions as well as the opposite, people who thought I should do nothing. I chose neither approach and I've gotten a lot better (haven't "cured" anything.. but doing a lot better and have some quality of life back). Whatever the results of this are (and I am guessing you may know by this time) at least take control of your situation and be directly engaged at every step, whether you choose treatment or not. Don't let others make decisions for you and don't be afraid to challenge what health care folks say if it doesn't sit right with you.

Thanks for being open enough to share what you're going through. I bet it will connect with and comfort others who come across it.

Brian

Hi, Steve, Lynn, Heidi, Kaley and Brian. Thank you for all the prayers. I really appreciate them. I don't know yet. I would like to go to my ob/gyn but it will be a month before I can be seen. The lump is better. It's not painful. I have a good suspicion that it's a lymph node. My neighbor works for the Feist Weiller Cancer Treatment Center at LSU in Shreveport. She was willing to get me in like on that following Monday. They are not in my network so I told her I'd wait. I am scared but not scared enough to go. Maybe ignorance is bliss. I know I'm acting like a spoiled child about it and I apologize. It's just if I do go and it's the worst case scenario, I'm not likely to jump on the chemo and/or radiation bandwagon. My boss just died that Friday night we got back from Gulf Shores. He had all the treatments available and some experimental stuff. He only had a 10% chance of survival. He was willing to fight for his life. I would have to have better odds than that for me to gather that kind of strength. I'd want my last days to be of better quality than he had. Medicine really can't save anyone. I'm a nurse. What can I say?

I thought with things like that they try to have you seen right away. My sister gets lumps all the time, she's just cystic. Turn all your cares into prayers!!!! Still praying for you.

Best,
Lynn

Tricia,
The faster you know the source of the lump, the faster you can take proper care of it....and STOP the worrying...which can be the WORST part! I hope you make yourself go to get it looked at asap. It's important. Being a nurse, what would you tell your best friend if she had the same lump? Waiting won't do any good but handling the situation quickly will.

Respectfully,
Heidi

Tricia,
Did you ever find out what "it" was? I got to anwering some of your most recent posts and got to wondering how you are doing.

tricia.... haven't been to this forum ever and this was the first post i saw. "it" needs it's ass kicked and i'd bet you're the one who can do it. cancer or not.... let us know what's happening girl!! scotty

I think "It" was a swollen lymph gland. I got a bite on my left hand. The side it was on. I believe that was the culprit. It took a month for the swelling to go down. I am going to the doctor soon, though. I'm overdue. Thanks for listening. I'm the biggest chicken of all time. Hard to believe since I'm a nurse and I know better.

Tricia,
You are so funny, being a nurse and all. I know what it's like to be scared to check something out. I've gone through a few interesting illnesses in my day. But, I'm glad the swelling went down and that it is now easier for you to go get it checked. Please let us know because we care, okay?

Tricia,


Tag me in!! Tag Me INNNN! I am going for the Pin. ohhhh yeah.

-steve

Tricia,

This is really well written with some great thoughts.

You might be right about the bite causing it. My daughter has bad excema on her hands and she has had a problem with a lymph node just above her elbow. A course of antibiotics might be just what you need.

Let us know. Lol, you're a nurse and now we know what kind of patient you would be.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

"It" is NOT, I repeat NOT cancer. Ultrasound was negative. Now, the mammogram was negative. "It"'s still there but I'm fixing to take care of THAT-it's got to go.

The it's not it afterall. Sharing your joy!

I can honestly say, I'm relieved, Lynn. Now, I know where Denial is. Been there and done that and tried my best to ignore it.

Tricia,

Just saw this for the first time. Haven't been on the boards a lot lately. Glad to hear that "It" wasn't "THAT"! Here's wishing you the best and keeping you in my prayers. All the best to ya, Giddy Girl!

Alan

Great news, Tricia!

Scott

It's all good, guys. Thanks. In the back of mind, I kept telling myself that I was being childish and selfish about this. Just felt like it was time to put it to rest.

Thank you

No, Noel. Thank YOU!!

Tricia - just saw this today. I'm so glad "IT" was not cancer. I had a little scare myself a while back, but found out I'm just cystic. The surgery for it to "go!" is not bad. Good for you - you have to check these things out. We're really not ready to miss you like that.

Linda

Hi Tricia,

I am so pleased for you, cancer is so sad, my husbands mum had breast cancer, she has gone through all the treatments, and is so far okay, but many are not.

I work as a bar attendant and I have met so many who are open to me about their cancer. I do my best to love and care about them, cheer them up, bounce around the club with the music whilst I am working, and listen to them on there bad days. The other staff where I work said Michele, customers are always breaking down crying to you, to me that is a good thing, it is okay to feel and cry they have every reason to. I give them a big hug.

I prey that they find a cure, and give those who have cancer, lots of love, patients and understanding.

Michele Bolton

Tricia,
Did you celebrate yet? Wanna hear what ya' did! Also, this relief may be grand inspiration for a new song. Got any ideas?

Hi, Linda and Michele. Thanks so much.

No celebrating yet, Heidi. Had a Pampered Chef party I had to go to last night at a work friend's house. We had a good time.
No ideas yet, Heidi. Spent last evening going over and over something I wrote before I left for the party.

Can't wait to see what you're working on!

Heidi

It's over on Lyric Board 3-it's called Forgiven. Don't really do praise and worship but I felt inspired after reading yesterday so out it came.

Luke:17 v20 21...King James version.All powerful,take it litteraly....Dan

Tricia, I just hope that all goeth well for thee...
So that you can stay among this motley crowd of writer/musician/artist types of which I am happy to be a member!!!

Loves and Hugs...

GREAT NEWS FOR YOU, TRICIA!!
{{HUGS}}
Joanne!

Thanks, Dan, Sam and Joanne. Heidi asked me what I was going to do for a celebration. I'm taking dance lessons at LSUS. Signed up today.

Tricia,
Thanks for sharing "it". Looking back, it seemed like a close call, but now hopefully the worst is over. I'm also seeing the connection here with the new song you've been working on, "Forgiven". I think we can do something with it!

Michael

I'm very.... happy to read this Tricia. The not knowing...and now knowing...I'm VERY happy gal.....

and Congratulations on Dance Classes!!!! NEAT.....

best....
kk


Melodies and Demos:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=8404&content=music
Children Songs:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=6469&content=music
Wyman and Kaley's Andy & Friends CD
http://cdbaby.com/cd/kwwg

Thanks, Michael. I really appreciate it. Let me know when you get a workable file.

Kaley, thanks so much. I'll have to email you about those dance classes. Suffice to say it's FUN!!!

Tricia,
You didn't mention what type of dance classes........

I want pictures!

SHHHHHH, Heidi!! You trouble maker!!

hehehehe....

Just reachin' out a hand to a sweet friend.....

Heidi, I'm a big klutz. Sam, someone needs to hold my hand while I learn to be more graceful. It's not pretty at all. Lesson 2 didn't go as well as Lesson 1. I'm committed now, though.

Tricia,
Just know that the path toward knowing something has the weeds of confusion to pull out before we become skilled at it. Just pluck those weeds, girl! The more you do it, the better you will soon become! The main thing is that you are confronting and doing it!!!

I look forward to pictures!

Girl, I need lessons for my lessons. I may start taking class on Tuesdays, too. It's great exercise. I'm moving parts I haven't moved in years. NOOOOOOO pictures anytime soon. Eventually, I may post a YouTube video, but that's going to be a long way off. LOL!