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© 2000 Elizabeth Marquez
When His Memory Appears

(V1)
One less toothbrush in the holder
One less razor on the shelf
One too many pillows on the bed
Now that I’m here by myself
(C)
This house feels so empty
Without him here
All I hear are echoes
And only seeing shadows
When his memory appears
(V2)
Lots more room now in the closet
Lots more space in the garage
One too many coffee mugs are here
Now that he’s just a mirage
(C)
This house feels so empty
Without him here
All I hear are echoes
And only seeing shadows
When his memory appears
(B)
Seems so strange how life can change
In an instant he was gone
One day I’ll get over losing my best friend
To a drunk who hit him head on
(C)
(But for now)
This house feels so empty
Without him here
All I hear are echoes
And only seeing shadows
When his memory appears

Thanks Wy,
I've gotten some great suggestions for this song, and will do a rewrite. The boards have been pretty slow the last couple of days. I got done with all I had to do early so now I finally have some time to start writing again.

Hi Elizabeth...

This was good .....I really was caught
off guard with the ending...(hope it was
fiction for you...if not, I'm really sorry).

Kaley

Hi Kaley,
The song was fiction. I didnt know I would put that in the bridge until I did it. thanks for looking and critiquing. I am going to do a rewrite and repost.
E.

Elizabeth:

I'm new to Just Plain Folks, and this is my first post. Your title grabbed my attention and made me want to read your lyrics, so my first observation is -- GREAT TITLE! I actually thought it might be something different before I read it (like something about a forgetful husband).

I really like the way you set things up in the first verse with the imagery. This is always much better than just saying "It's lonely here since he left."

I have two suggestions -- first, in verse 2, you're saying many of the same things you say in verse one, just with different images. If you could find a way to add something new to the second verse (things they used to do, places they used to go), it might add some more depth. Second, I agree with some of the previous comments about the chorus -- maybe change the fourth line to add some parallelism to the chorus:

"All I hear are echoes
All I see are shadows"

Finally, I echo the comments from before -- the bridge caught me totally by surprise, and blew me away. It makes the third chorus so much more powerful once we know the whole situation.

Great job overall. Looking forward to the re-write!

test

Elizabeth

I love the hook, it reminds me of a song I wrote titled "a thought of her". I was also surprised at the bridge. To me it makes the song. Now for my suggestions keep in mind they are only my opinion and that I have no idea of the music you have in mind for this.
1. I think V1 is alright depending on the music.

2. For the chorus I would suggest changing line 2 because we know he is gone from V1 and I also like the idea of a four line chorus. something like
this house feels so empty
and I cant stop this fear
knowing i'll see nothing real
when his memory appears

3. V2 I agree with earlier post it is just more of V1. You need something new to hammer your plot home. I have something in mind but I dont wanna re-write your song.

4. The bridge, first two lines a great but 3 and 4 do not flow. And do you really wanna get over him in the song? I would stay with the grieving theme myself and say somthing like:
seems so strange how life can change
in an instant he was gone
when a drunk crossed the line that night
and stole our happy home

I hope I havent said anything wrong. this was purely my opinion. I love your idea and I know you will make it a great song

Keith