JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Bramble in the Wind - revisions and new 2nd version

Thanks again for the help......here are the revisions and new version.
all thoughts welcome.

revised version

Bramble in the Wind © joice marie 2007

I loved your beauty as a baby
Your soul was golden as a CHILD
A lasting treasure
WITH NO EARTHLY MEASURE
Your spirit divine
Deep 'N WILD

Now, I must let you go
To be blown as a bramble in the wind

Lessons and choices hard as rock
The voice of reason mute to deaf ears
No longer helpful
My heart is doubtful
Our future will be
Without tears

Now, I must let you go
To be blown as a bramble in the wind

I will love you forever, DEAR
You are partly me inside and out
I will NEVER
FAIL MY ENDEAVOR,....
TO LISTEN AND care
IN RAIN OR DROUGHT

Now it pains, I'll let you go
To be blown as a bramble in the wind
Now it pains, I'll let you go
To be blown as a bramble in the wind

Sometimes a free fall
Is the only way
We learn to stand tall

So now, I must let you go
To be blown as a bramble by the wind
*****************************************************
alternate for the angel children.............

Blossom On the Wind © joice marie 2007

I loved your beauty as a baby
Your soul was golden as a CHILD
A lasting treasure
WITH NO EARTHLY MEASURE
Your spirit divine
Deep 'N WILD

Now, I must let you go
To be blown as a Blossom On the wind

Lessons and choices hard as rock
The voice of reason mute to deaf ears
No longer helpful
My heart is doubtful
Our future will be
Without tears

Now, I must let you go
To be blown as a Blossom On the wind

I will love you forever, DEAR
You are partly me inside and out
I will NEVER
FAIL MY ENDEAVOR,....
TO LISTEN AND care
IN RAIN OR DROUGHT

Now it pains, I'll let you go
To be blown as a Blossom On the wind
Now it pains, I'll let you go
To be blown as a Blossom On the wind

Sometimes a free fall
Is the only way
We learn to stand tall

So now, I must let you go
To be blown as a Blossom On the wind
**************************************************************

original version

Bramble in the Wind © joice marie 2007

I loved your beauty as a baby
Your soul was golden as a kid
A lasting treasure
Written on forever
Your spirit divine
Deep within

Now, I must let you go
To be blown as a bramble in the wind

Lessons and choices hard as rock
The voice of reason mute to deaf ears
No longer helpful
My heart is doubtful
Our future will be
Without tears

Now, I must let you go
To be blown as a bramble in the wind

I will love you forever, child
You are partly me inside and out
I will endeavor
Even in bad weather
To care and be
A listening ear

Now it pains, I'll let you go
To be blown as a bramble in the wind
Now it pains, I'll let you go
To be blown as a bramble in the wind

Sometimes a free fall
Is the only way
We learn to stand tall

So now, I must let you go
To be blown as a bramble by the wind

Hi Ding A Ling,

Well done !


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Calvin

Thanks !

Joice:
This reminds me a bit of the Suzy Bogguss song, "Letting Go."

I like it.

Hi Joice

me likey lots!

rittman

Hi J M,
Really like the hook and the context
In this verse----------
---------
I will love you forever, child
You are partly me inside and out
I will endeavor
Even in bad weather
To care and be
A listening ear
--------
----- 2 and 6 don't rhyme as they do in the other 2
This couplet--------
"A lasting treasure
Written on forever" --I'm not sure if you can "write" a treasure on forever. Maybe something instead of "written"
Nevertheless, I like it. should adapt well to music
Wy

Hi again, JM!

Another beauty! Let me first add my kudos to those already mentioned, and then I'll add my enjoyment of your bridge. Very potent statement, all said in a baker's dozen of words...

Sometimes a free fall
Is the only way
We learn to stand tall


Lest you get too used to all this praise (which you deserve), let me see if I can find ANYTHING to be constructive about....

Okay, in the first verse, I'm not so crazy about the word KID. Seems too slangy given the rest of the piece. Any thought to changing it to CHILD, and then in line 6, for rhyming purposes, you could say DEEP INSIDE? Also, maybe to address Wy's issue with the line "Written on forever"...how about this?

I loved your beauty as a baby
Your soul was golden as a CHILD
A lasting treasure
WITH NO EARTHLY MEASURE
Your spirit divine
Deep INSIDE


Finally, love your use of the word BRAMBLE. Aside from just enjoying the sound of it, I actually looked it up and it says a bramble is a "rough shrub with long prickly shoots". So that image of the child going off on his own, but "protected" is vivid and wonderful.

As an aside, I just want to say how happy I am to be able to take some time to catch up on some tunes. There are so many wonderful and dynamic muses amongst us, I am honored to be counted among you.

BETH-a-ROni, the Massachusetts Treat!

Sorry JM, but all I could think of was


And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a bramble in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid
Your bramble rolled on long before
Your legend ever did



which when you think about it, is pretty interesting... CITW is such a strong hook, and of course a monster song, that it simply comes to mind when anything that resembles it comes along....meaning, beware of using something like this I guess

...even though you've penned something as strong as this...nice lesson btw


only thing you might look at is

Sometimes a free fall
Is the only way
We learn to stand tall


cause it takes away from the tumbleweed image...though admittedly it is the core of your theme...

maybe

sometimes free
should be like tumbleweed

or maybe not

Ciao

Joice Marie,
I think this conveys the emotion every mother feels...certainly have felt it myself on all too many occasions. I have to agree, it does make me think of a type of song like Suzy Bogguss, but I have to admit Elton was singing plenty loudly in my head too(nothing wrong with THAT).

I don't think that Kid works very well for the same reason that
Beth already mentioned; too slangy for the theme. I kind of liked her fix too. But this is a beautiful piece. You should be proud of it. Won't take much of a re-write IMO (I love the bridge)

Write on,

Jan

Hi Lee

Thanks so much for the visit and comment. I did not know the Suzy's song, but I looked it up and like it lots....yes, Thanks for the comparison. Have a great day !

jm

Thank you rittman!

Hi There Wy

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I'm thinking on them. I thinks it's okay if it All doesn't rhyme perfectly. The message is more important to me, in this case.... and 'ear' does have some other rhymes in the lines so sonically there's harmony as I hear it.

the treasure/forever - well written historically there is what I am thinking - a life

But I will be reviewing in my mind all these things again.

jm Have a lovely day !

Hi Joice Maire, this is very nice and a loving portrait. My little one is three next month and every day I have to let go a little bit more.

For me the lyric got better as it went on. Verse 1 needs a bit more magic I think (swap out kid, etc), but the rest is fine. I think you could use a better word than bramble (and not only for the Elton John soundalike); a spikey dry plant seems like the wrong image for your child (unless he or she is a spikey little so and so :)). I've been trying to write a lyric called Dandelion Girl for a while now; Dandelion in the Wind would suit your lyric nicely. Just a thought, hope it helps.

Hey,

Just thought I'd chime in....LOVE the idea of a lyric called Dandelion Girl/Dandelion in the Wind....but not for this piece. Dandelions are basically weeds and they get blown away into nothingness. The bramble does pose the problem of association with CANDLE in the wind, but I do like the idea of the child being sent out into the world in some sturdy form --nothing as harsh as a cactus, for instance....but I think bramble is on the right track.

As always, JMO....

Alan, would love to hear what you were planning for Dandelion Girl...I think it's such a pretty word.

Ciao gang,
Beth

(Sorry to hijack your thread a little Joice...)

Beth, I have the chorus melody and a lyrical idea but it's been brewing for a long time now. I sing that chorus line to my daughter, but she just says "No Dandelion Girl! No Daddy singing!", so early reviews aren't good However, there is hope; in the car the other day she did say "Daddy music please, Dandelion Girl, but on the radio, not Daddy singing". Bless...

Hey Len,

Well, assuming she's not part of your target audience just yet, I wouldn't give up hope! She sounds like a little cupcake to me...all sugary and messy and sweet! There's another hook for ya, free of charge...

Yup, sorry for cutting in, JM!

Later,
Beth

Hi Joice Marie,

My mind immediately went to the Elton John Candle In The Wind song. I love the word "bramble" but don't think it works in this situation simply because a bramble bush cannot survive without being in the same place where it is rooted...so to use it to apply to a child going off somewhere does not seem to fit. A tumbleweed can roll along far from where it initially grew...but a bramble in the wind can only blow back and forth because it is attached and would wither and die if it is detached from its roots. It just seems like a strange association despite the nice sound to the word bramble. I do understand the special adaptation of the thorns/prickers that give a bramble bush that added measure of protection and how that would connect to what you wish for your child, but overall, I don't think this is working on a fundamental basis. The writing is good, however.

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hi Joice,

Once again poetic. In all honesty, I had to read this to find out what a bramble was. Thank you Bobbie for explaining that. In a commercial sense that may be a hindrance since if I didn't know others may not either. How about "a seed in the wind". A seed does blow in the windm does sprout and lands elsewhere and grows just like a child. "kid" should be changed to "child" or "golden through/in your youth" since "kid" feels out of place in this poetic piece.

I know I can't keep you,
I'll let the wind sweep you,
Sweep you away.

Best,
Lynn

Hi Beth aroni

Glad you have time to stop in and I'm happy to hear this makes sense to you....I Do like you verse fixes quite a bit so there in my mind and notes and I'm thinking. Thanks Lots!

The reason I hedge changing (well there are more reasons, I'm sure) but on the kid/child thing I do hear what you are saying, but I do use child once later and I did not want to repeat...so baby, kid, child was the thinking. I also consider the pre puberty stages 'kiddies'...just something I consider okay, I guess...

Now if I change it up so that the child falls in the same place in both verses, maybe....?

Anyway, I'm thinking on it still. My best to ya! jm

Hi John

Don't be sorry at all... really. I too, knew, as soon as I wrote that line the potential of it falling into, oh, you're never going to get around that parallel.

But aside from the pitches to publishes, most people do Not get aquainted with a song from its title. They hear the song melodies and maybe some of the words first. So with that in mind, I will plunge into the music and stay as Far away from Elton's melody as possible. Play with sycopation in the line delivery perhaps.

The song was written from the context of a bramble bush being a key element so it is what it is to me.

Fas as the bridge, well at that point I want to move to the possiblity of no longer being stuck and possibly going somewhere different.

I like your line change up, so that too is now being tossed around in my head. So Thanks for that and your honest thoughts. ! jm

Good Morning Janice

Yes, it seems that 'kid' word is not very popular around here or more so, in my poetic style....well I Am considering that here in the mean time.

Thanks for your vote, and I feel flattered certainly to have my lyric put near such great ones with a magnifying glass look. I'm not at all upset about it. jm

Hi Joice

I read this one a few nights ago and thought I had commented I guess I hadn't I was reading through the other posts and just wanted to say. I never saw the comparison while reading it to candle in the wind. In fact as I was reading it I heard a distinct melody no where close to candle in the wind. So I would keep it I think it works an I did get it made sense to me.
Sincerely
Derek

Hey JM,

Glad you liked the sugs, whether or not you'll be able to use them...

As for a second use of the world CHILD, I do still prefer it in the first verse instead of "kid"... When it's used further down, dare you add another syllable, and replace child with MY SWEET or some other term of endearment? I think at that point it would be nice to bring in some more emotion to the "noun", as he/she gets ready to leave the nest. I also like the word "moppet", but I don't know if that's a tough one to use.

Anyway, good luck... I'll be curious to see how you resolve some of the nits we've so brutally drawn to your attention !

Oh, just another thought....if you want to stick with the one syllable, maybe you could just use "SON"? Though I didn't know if you wanted to keep the boy/girl aspect vague. Now that I'm talking thru this, maybe you could use "boy" in the first verse, and somehow use some rhymes like JOY, TOY, etc., then keep CHILD for the later verse...

Okay, I'll stop rambling...

Later!
Beth

Hi joice marie,

I will love you forever, child
You are partly me inside and out
I will endeavor
Even in bad weather
To care and be
A listening ear

This is heart rending but you've captured it so well. My Mom 'sang' this verse for many years. And I see my brother all over again in my son. Have been for about three years now. VERY universal sentiment I'm sure.

For me I prefer to say "hurt" instead of pain.

I'll leave the Candle In the Wind to the others. Will say that I didn't realize that song even had that word in it since I couldn't understand what the words were at that part. Guess I do now though. It did sound good anyway.

Vanessa

Hi Len

Thanks so much for your visit and commets. I'm still waffling along with what to do....I'll probably make a change to fix the kid line. Don't really want to change the Bramble word for many reasons, mostly it fits the child in mind. There's always room for another dandelion song though. jm

Hi Beth

Thanks for the support of keeping the Bramble hook. This is really a piece written for my benefit so I'm probably going to be self indulgent on that sticky point....maybe if the music happens and is good enough, I'll make an alternate version. Time will tell. Thanks for the return visit and input. ! jm

oh and Len and Beth, I have no problem with you both going off on tangents...it's all inspirational !

Hi Bobbie

Thanks for your visit and taking time from your busy life and moving project to help out here. I appreciate it.

Yes, you're right about the Elton song and that vines really don't roll off like a tumbleweed. I did consider that plant too for this. I do Love the sound of the word bramble and that surely feels right here. The one thing you and others may not be considering about Brambles is this....they Do wander.

My best example is the Blackberry bushes in my yard here in NH. They were here before me and I swear I've ripped out literally miles of roots during my stay. Cut them back year after year and low and behold they slowly make their way underground and then a shoot will pop right up in the middle of the lawn or flower garden.

Yes they are thorny and working with them can be very painful.
But I don't try to make them go away any longer, because I realize now they are part of the reason why I have so many songbirds. They also have a pretty fragrant blossom.

Anyway, with all that in mind, the bramble is the right word choice here. I know everyone wants a perfect portrait here for their own angel to fit, but some children are quite difficult, and still they need love.

Thanks for the writing compliment btw. I hope you have a nice evening. jm

G'Mornin' Mz Gem!

Great Subject Matter...Cool Hook!

I've yet to like that "Even in bad weather" line. Know what's-implied, Yet it still sounds "There-Just-to-Make-an-easy-rhyme."

So..Ive wracked my Addlepated-Brain to come up with a Sug for ya..for Days!

"Call on me, Whenever" seems to be the Best I Can Do. (K-O-S)

"KUDOS" on alla the rest...as a Parent of 2 Sons, I can Sure Identify with this Baby!

Good Luck with a Good'n',
Big Hugs,
Stan

Hi Lynn

Well, once again, you have some great ideas....I've been playing around with a second version with seeds as a change, but to me, the first version is what I am still working on for music. I hope you have a minute to read my response to Bobbie on the bramble part.

I'll probable post my revisions so far shortly here....but I did also want to say how lovely, I think theis piece you wrote is and I hope you end up using it in something if I do not in this one. So far it doesn't seem to really fit with either of my versions, since I moved away from the seeds....but I really like it a lot. Thank YOU! jm

I know I can't keep you,
I'll let the wind sweep you,
Sweep you away.

Hi Derek

Thanks for stopping by and sharing your view about Candle in the wind. Yeah, it definitly didn't start there and I'm confident, I can stay away from it musically, so time will tell. I'm thinking if I don't lead anyone down that path musically it will be alright. So I appreciate your thoughts. jm

Hi again Beth

Well maybe I've made some progress on the rewriting aspect, but I'm still trying to roll it all around. I'll post where I'm at, but feel free if you have more thoughts to share them. I've used your idea here so thanks for the help. jm

i must be an angel child joice . between the lines , i thought about the seed bein sowed . how a mom put up with the joy and the heartache , and let them go . good one !!!

Hi JM,

Glad you went with "child" in the first line. It is so much smoother and sentimental for me. That was the only thing that really jumped out at me as "glaring". Everything else was pretty minor. And because this is special to you beyond the song itself, I say use what you want to. If you thought there ever was enough interest for the commercial market, you're more than good enough to make the necessary changes.

As far as the title being close to Elton John's "Candle In The Wind", I wouldn't worry too much about that as long as the music, when it gets music, is substantially different. I've never let similar titles bother too much. Heck, I wrote and posted one last year called "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". Of course, many folks kindly reminded me of Pat Benetar's song of the same name. I even mentioned the title redundancy in my intro text. But, my song was Traditional Country...Merle Haggard or David Ball. I don't recall any steel guitar or fiddles in Pat's song! I, too, apologize for the tangent! Just trying to reenforce my point with my own experience.

I think this is very nice as you currently have it. Any changes at this point, I think, would only be for your personal taste and satisfaction. Nice job!

Al

Good morning, JM!

Yay, love the updated version (s).....what a fun community effort this place is!!

Have a good one!!

Beth

Hi Vanessa

Thanks so much for the visit. Glad you can feel this lyric, that means a lot to me. I change the weather line up a bit and am still thinking about your suggestion for the hurt instead of pain. I'll try singing it both ways when the music arrives. Your input is helpful ! jm

Hi Stan

Glad you stopped for the visit and your suggestions. It made me look at that line differently and I liked yor offer. As I worked with it some more, I realized I could add another rhyme if I moved endeavor to another place, but that came about because of your critique. So Thanks ! jm

Hey Joice Marie!

I like your concept here, but the bramble image isn't very appealing to me. How about a feather in the wind?

K-O-S

Charlann

Hi Greg

Thanks for stopping in.....and I'm glad you are the angel type. jm

Hi Alan !

Thanks for the support on the changes and writing. Now all I have to do is get the music right ! lol

I really do appreciate your time to tell me all these nice things. jm

THANKS again Beth ! Hope all is getting better for you. jm

Hi Charlann

I hope you too are happy and well. Thanks for your time and comments. Yes, bramble is not the word of choice for everyone, but it fits the person the song is written about so it stays...I hope you have a min to take a look at my response to Bobbie about brambles.

In my rewriting step, I did consider a feather, but I like the idea of a plant that is growing a wee bit better.

Take care. jm

Hi JM,
This is a very beautiful, well written song, I love it all, but this I like best.

I loved your beauty as a baby
Your soul was golden as a child
A lasting treasure
With no earthly measure
Your spirit devine
Deep 'n wild.

Emmy