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Wrote thizs for a friend of mine who has taken charge of her health and started running, at the frustration of her husband who thinks she is running away to cheat on him.


Running Away (c) 2007 Bixby

i see you tying up your running shoes
Stretching out against the bed.
you say it's only a couple miles
that's not what's going throgh my head

You've got running shorts and workout shirts
and your bottle of gatorade
I know you're doing this for you
always running away

chorus
do you go across town
down to the park
do you meet someone else
there in the dark
do you just run away
to somewhere i can't see

do you head to his place
do you go inside
do you shower together
is that what you hide
when you say you have to go
is that what you mean
my baby's
always running away from me.

V2
I see you walking out, rounding the bend
keeping your healthy stride
I imagine you running to him,is this the end
when you follow him inside...

chorus
do you go across town
down to the park
do you meet someone else
there in the dark
do you just run away
to somewhere i can't see

do you head to his place
do you go inside
do you shower together
is that what you hide
when you say you have to go
is that what you mean
my baby's
always running away from me.


-cheers
steve

Hi Steve

This one is intrepid. I like the idea of a Woman who is an abvious althlete or runner and the double entendre of her running away. My onliest nit might be that the chorus seems rather long. Although I tend to do that as well.That an one typing error "What's going throgh my head". Other than that the concept is solid I like the imagery. I also like the idea of open questioning to her that may not even be directly to her though possibly in the singers mind. Great job on this one

Hi Steve

This one is intrepid. I like the idea of a Woman who is an abvious althlete or runner and the double entendre of her running away. My onliest nit might be that the chorus seems rather long. Although I tend to do that as well.That an one typing error "What's going throgh my head". Other than that the concept is solid I like the imagery. I also like the idea of open questioning to her that may not even be directly to her though possibly in the singers mind. Great job on this one

Thanks for the read and Crit Derek, You are right, on both counts the chorus is the meat and potatoes of the song. and i was racing the clock to get it posted.(i lose internet around tenish my time. plus i am sloppy)

thanks for stopping to see and staying to crit.

cheers,

-steve

Well, the character in the song is probably too suspicious of her motives so it's hard to get a handle on this except as a song about suspicion. Now if the runner WAS cheating, you could get the listening audience invested. That's why it is so much fun to hear Underwood sing, "I took a Louisville Slugger to both tail lights and slashed a hole in all four tires...Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats"

Now there was a great song about suspicion- Elvis sang it- It was called "Suspicion" and it has one of the coolest arrangements in Pop music in the chorus. The song is good for a couple of reasons. The chorus break is unique and interesting musically, and it does probe the "mind" of the guy, here:

Darling, if you love me, I beg you wait a little longer,
Wait until I drive all these foolish fears out of my mind,
How I hope and pray that our love will keep on growing stronger,
Maybe I’m suspicious ‘cause true love is so hard to find.

Suspicion torments my heart,
Suspicion keeps us apart,
Suspicion why torture me.

So if you want the lyric to fly, I think have to talk about more than what you have so far. You need a angle, some insight or some action.

Samuel,

Thanks for the insite. i suppose i wanted to make this a duet, where the female singer comes in. sweaty and buff from working out. but i had trouble finding a way to tie the hook to it, and as Derek mentioned the chorus is longer than heck...
I dropped the bridge, that said she wished he would get over his insecurities and go running with him. (because i dropped the last verse)

I will relook and move some stuff around

thanks for the stop by and crit,

-cheers
-steve

That kind of insecurity is like a rat in a cage to me.....

Anyone who will not or cannot see how their actions affect their partner should not have a partner.

I do dig the lyric, it's real tight, and shows how far the voice of this guy has let himself go, believing what he wants to think, instead of the reality of what she is trying to accomplish

Hey Steve,

I like it, and want to comment more, but for now I must go take a siesta....turns out that hand combat I was mentioning last night wasn't the worst of it....turns out the dumb sprained left ankle actually has a fracture...have to go to the hospital later this week for a bone scan, blah blah blah.

I'm thinking of doing a remake on the song "RADIOACTIVE" -- I could help light up the whole eastern seaboard if necessary.

Later HHH ;),
Beth

Steve,

All in all, a good write. I'm thinking that Joe's comments (Samuel Harris) may be appropriate if this is intended to be a country song. If not, then I think you are probably okay. It seems that the country audience wants to become more engaged in the song than in most other genres. Thus, the lyrics, as a composite story, are much more closely scrutinized in the country genre. I know that when I write country lyrics, about 60 - 70% of my lyrics, I try to play very close attention to the "whole story" concept. When I write in other genres, cool lines and rhymes often play out nicely. Adult Contemporary is a little like country as far as "whole story" concept, also.

As I said, if this isn't country, it looks fine to me. The chorus "looks" a little long on paper. But the lines are short, quick hits. So, when put to music, I don't think this is going to be a problem for you.

Anyway, that's what crossed my feeble mind. Good write! Stay safe and all the best to ya!

Al

Steve,
the frailty and jealousy of the singer here is gonna be one hard thing to get cut, artists and publishers both have leaned more to the singer being portrayed in a positive light for airplay these days...on the other hand if it's a self produced album, rock the sh*t out of it and make 'em love it. good luck with it bro, I myself would be tryin' to resolve the issue in the lyric and either kick her a** to the curb or get some strange myself.Moker

Basically good writing. Probably depends some on what genre it's intended for. May need some "relief". A whole lot of the same thing. It may need ,something like the bridge you "did" have, or with the guy telling her he'd found someone else too, kinda' like Moker said. (You sound plumb ornery Moker <G>)
Yeah, think it needs a "turnaround" of some kind. This guy's a bit "too much"---All JMO of course. There's a song there
Wy

Basically good writing. Probably depends some on what genre it's intended for. May need some "relief". A whole lot of the same thing. It may need ,something like the bridge you "did" have, or with the guy telling her he'd found someone else too, kinda' like Moker said. (You sound plumb ornery Moker <G>)
Yeah, think it needs a "turnaround" of some kind. This guy's a bit "too much"---All JMO of course. There's a song there
Wy

Hi Steve,

So glad you're heading home and will see your beautiful family once again! Hope all goes well w/your departure.

Interesting lyric that she may be using her so called "running" as an excuse to see a possible new boyfriend (if indeed she has one). I didn't like the "shower" line, it was just too blatant and seemed out of place. You are asking if she's cheating and then you jump right into the shower which is too much too fast. You could leave alittle mystery. I think lines 1 through 4 are strong in your chorus but not lines 5 and 6. How about instead of:

chorus
do you go across town
down to the park
do you meet someone else
there in the dark
do you just run away
to somewhere i can't see


To: (possibly)

do you go across town
down to the park
do you meet someone else
there in the dark
if your running to him,
then you're running from me,
I think it's time you decide,
just where you want to be.

Just some ideas.

Best,
Lynn

Hey Steve,

Back again, as promised....

So here's my take on the song:

First off, no issue from my standpoint regarding frail jealous male....I have visions of James Blunt rifling thru her gym bag in the video version. But, while I don't see it necssarily as a country song, which I agree would need a little more "back-story", I wouldn't mind hearing a bit more about why he is so distrustful of her.

What I would like to see though, is some sort of "road to resolution": whether he decides to leave her, call her bluff, or find his own little workout partner. Right now he's just wallowing in self-pity and anger, which is getting no one anywhere...is that a symbolic point you're trying to make? That' while she's running around (in perhaps more ways than one), he can't seem to get out of his own way?

Anyway, I like the idea of him giving her one more chance, because he sounds like a romantic, but I don't want him to be walked on (or run over for that matter). Maybe you could reintroduce the latter part of Lynn's chorus re-write as the bridge....basically saying literally, it's either my way or JUST the highway (get it, ha ha).

Curious how things are going with your real-life friend and her stay at home hubby! Feel sorry for him if this is how he feels -- or at least that's how she perceives he feels....

Good luck, buddy/daddy/Hunka Hunka Hero!
Beth

Snake,

I just got back from hand to hand combat training. i am sooo sore... I agree with you.. but this like most of my songs started with a what if. the truth is, that her husband runs with her. and then they eat burgers on the boardwalk. but i went in a different direction from reality. Thanks for stopping by, and giving a crit.


cheers
-steve

Beth,

Thanks for taking a look before seista time. you need to take it easy, and stop getting hurt... Silly.. now you have to get a cast, and all those things you do are going to have to be sans the leg with the cast on it...

hope it is all better.

-steve

Pretty sad state of affairs, I'm sitting in my kitchen falling apart limb by limb, and you're in the middle (or hopefully more on the SIDE) of a WAR, for crumbs sake, in full working order.

Believe me, I wouldn't trade places with where you ARE, but I wouldn't want you to have the medical issues I'm dealing with either. Though I don't think someone with all this crap going on would be ALLOWED to go.....so there you have it. The grass is always greener on the other side of Iraq...

KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS OPEN, AND YOUR MOUTH AND KEYBOARD QUIET, AND YOU'LL BE GOOD AS GOLD. Wonder if we can have a virtual Welcome Home party on the board somehow...

Ciao,
Beth

Al,

you know i can't help but call you sideman. hope that is okay... I just got used to it. I originally had this down for a country song, until it came out to 5 minutes. i am kind of stuck... it could be a shorter country song without the resolve, or a longer rock song with the resolve, or a short rock song without. I wish there were more people who did music, and words... it would be a fun challange to put different music to the same words... but i suppose it will just be something i do..

the chorus looks long, but is is about average. like you said short lines.

thanks for taking the time to stop and read, and staying to crit.. i will take a new look. and try to "invent" a country rock tune for it...

hope all is good for you and Helen.

cheers
-steve

Brother Moker,

You know, i don't think i even considered having someone else sing this... huh... well, i think i will try this a few different ways... unchanged i think it would fit into some quasi-emo rock. (not to be confused with real rock) I think I'll just keep this one for myself. i can't see this one as being marketable.

The funniest image i got in relation to this song, was the idea that the singer was going to get him some on the side too. and finds out she wasn't doing it in the first place.

thanks for stopping to read and crit
cheers
-steve

Wyman,

thanks for reading and Crittin' I will re work the bridge, and record it at the house.

cheers
-steve

Lynn,

Thanks for stopping by. I will take a second look at the shower line. I wanted to make it seem like the singer's mind had run completely off course. i guess i might have gone a little far. I liked your sugs. may use a variation there of.

hope your son is doing okay.


cheers
steve

Crazy Beth,

Thanks for comming back. Your vision was right. he is soo certain she is cheating on him. way too jealous.

I had that road to resolution, but it wasn't right.
he is wallowing, yes, he wants it fixed. and he is taking the wrong approach to fixing it.

i hope they have found a way to fix what ales you.

cheers
steve

Hey, Steve.
Sorry I'm late to the party. Been out a few days (I hate it when life gets in the way).

I like the song. It's a good study in human insecurities and paranoia. Since you know my roots and sensibilities, you'll understand that I saw it from a country perspective, and contrary to some it worked for me.

No the chorus isn't too long. (Okay...JMO)

I'd have to agree with Lynn about the shower scene, and given what I know about what goes in in parks (trust me. this is an area in which I am intimately familar), it seems he's not only accusing her of being unfaithful, but of being someone that is on the look-out for Vice Cops.

Is he angry because she wants to maintain her girlish figure and so be attractive to other men, or just because she goes out without him?

I would have to agree that some resolution would be in order, whether he chooses to run with her or if he lets her run alone. If she runs alone, does she come back? Does he let her go again?

Just a little food for thought. If you're not hungry, I'll understand.

Look to tomorrow, my friend. Have you converted to counting down in hours yet?

HI Steve,

I think you have the makings of a cool song here.

LIke to hear the completed tune.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hey Steve

I stand by my earlier post I like what I see artistically I would keep it the way it is JMO. I actually like the jump to shower scene makes it seem much more real how jealous paranoid this guy just might be. If you'd rsther make changes that would probably be fine. I am not every citizen in the united states so my opinion does not reign supreme.But hey what can I say I like it!

Hi Steve,

While I don't know if it will be commercial, as is, it is very true to life. I have lived this song, albiet in role reversal. I'm a personal trainer/fitness instructer, along with my other hobbies. My last wife kept accusing me of getting fit so I could leave her, or sleep with some of the women at the gym. I bought her 3 different memberships along the way, so she could go with me. She'd go for a couple of times and then quit going. The suspicions finally got the better of the relationship. When I finally got out, she swore it was to go to someone else, not true. Matter of fact, after her, I wanted away from anything for a good while. It a shame that suspicion ruins so many relationships. Sorry, didn't mean to ramble. I think you could, with very slight edits, shorten your chorus quite a bit. I, also, would like to see some resolution. Course that's my country side talking. I do like the like the basic idea, I'd just like you to take it a bit farther. Good luck with this one.

Peter,

Life gets in the way a lot. I will most likey be gone from here for a week or so before i get home, but i'll leave a post to let everyine know i am on my way....

I have a sick sense of humor, and i found the guy (who i made up coincidentaly)'s parinoia amusing. I want to find a resove, but i don't want to spoil how silly this guy is... i feel the resolve must be from her.

i used the shower, because that is what people do after running... of course that is what a lot of young couples do to get their freak on. so it worked.. although it made their intentions transparent.

i may be a bit niave about what goes on at the parks of the US, but i was under the impression people ran there. (i guess there is a lucretive drug trade there too?) ( i heard about Balboa park in San diego... but i really didn't have that in mind either) but perhaps ishould look at that too..

i made this guy silly, fabricating what she does when she leaves.. the thought of going with her hasn't even crossed his mind. and for what it's worth he hasn't brought this insecurity up to her. so i could resolve this easily by having her show up with breakfast.


take care my friend.

-steve

Calvin,

Thanks for stopping by. I will record this when i get home. i'll probably do both a country version and a rock version, and let people vote on which one i should keep .


cheers
-steve

Derek,

Thanks for comming again, I apreciate your support for the shower line. but i have found that real does not always equal good. i haven't vaped it yet... but it may have to be cut
maybe i'll leave it in for live performance.

like the last verse of thunder rolls

-cheers
steve

John,

I lived this situation too. but there was reason to be concerned. (i havn't always made the greatest decisions in my life. ) I never call a good story babbling. I was young back then and never thought about the reprocussions for my actions. somehow or another i have lived long enough to see what a guy like me back then can do to others' lives. (i am not proud of it, but there it is)

There is enough bad stuff in the world, and enough people doing other people wrong. to sit and be worried for no reason. if someone can't trust blindly, then they are not ready to be in a relationship...) regardless, i am sorry you had a break up based on it. and it doesn't make it any easier to have been in the "untrustable" people profile.

Thanks for the look/see i'll work on a rewrite.

have a great day

-steve

Hey! Where's the Sofa King? He's about to fall off the Top 100 Posters list and I haven't heard from him in ages. Anyone in touch with him? Is he somewhere that he can no longer access the web?

Brian