JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 New Lyric Let Me Turn You On Crit's Please

The ink is still wet on this one.
I'm always a little uncertain when I step outside my comfort zone. Lets face it, I know more about hitch hiking than I'll ever know about love.

So...I'll take all the help I can get.

Turn you on
© Copyright 2007 Peter J. Ferraro. All Rights Reserved.
v.
I brought you red roses
And I brought home red wine
The color of passion, I’m told

That rug by the mantle
Is so soft and so warm
If we lay there, we might not feel so cold

v.
But the fire’s burning low
It’s more ashes than coals
Soon all of the warmth will be gone

It’s not too late to fan the flames
While a spark still remains
All I ask is that you let me turn you on

c.
Turn you on
Light your flame
Let me whisper your name
Do it now before the last ember’s gone
Wrap my arms around you tight
Hold you all through the night
Let me love you
Baby let me turn you on.

v2.
This isn’t the first time
But it may be the last
That I will beg for your love on bended knee

I want you, I need you
In so many ways
But it seems you no longer want me

c.
(To) Turn you on
Light your flame
(To) let me whisper your name
Do it now before the last ember’s gone
Wrap my arms around you tight
Hold you all through the night
Let me love you
Baby let me turn you on.

b.
It was so good for so long. I can’t believe that it’s all gone
Is there something I can do or I can say

c.
(To) Turn you on
Light your flame
(To) let me whisper your name
Do it now before the last ember’s gone
Wrap my arms around you tight
Hold you all through the night
Let me love you
Baby let me turn you on.

Hi Pete,


I think you're gonna have a cool song here when you get it completed.
I already like it.
Not sure of your head tune, but I think it could be tightened up a bit IMO.
~~~~~~~~~~
I didn't make changes past the chorus, but,Here's how I hear it in my head....

I brought you red roses
I brought home red wine
The color of passion, I’m told - (GREAT LINE)

That rug by the mantle
Is so soft and warm
KEEPS US FROM FEELIN' SO COLD

v.
But the fire’s burning low
It’s more ashes than coals
SOON ALL THE WARMTH WILL BE GONE

WE CAN FAN THE FLAMES
WHILE A SPARK REMAINS
SO HEY, let me turn you on

c.
Turn you on
Light your flame
WHISPER YOUR NAME
BEFORE THE LAST EMBER'S GONE
Wrap my arms around you tight
Hold you all through the night
Let me love you
LET ME TURN YOU ON.

v2.
This isn’t the first time
But it may be the last
That I will beg for your love on bended knee

I want you, I need you
In so many ways
But it seems you no longer want me

c.
(To) Turn you on
Light your flame
(To) let me whisper your name
Do it now before the last ember’s gone
Wrap my arms around you tight
Hold you all through the night
Let me love you
Baby let me turn you on.

b.
It was so good for so long. I can’t believe that it’s all gone
Is there something I can do or I can say

c.
(To) Turn you on
Light your flame
(To) let me whisper your name
Do it now before the last ember’s gone
Wrap my arms around you tight
Hold you all through the night
Let me love you
Baby let me turn you on.

Your melody/thoughts may be quite different than mine & my ideas may not work, either way, good luck on a good song.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Thanks, Calvin,
As always, I appreciate your kind words and support.

I had originally written it as a waltz, but I'd certainly be interested in hearing the melody that the words sang to you.
If you'd like to send an mp3, I'd enjoy giving it a listen.
Your playful nature might give this song the lift it needs.

Hi Peter

Like the hook a lot and agree with Calvin....I like his fixes, especially the chorus one. It was there that I started feeling the phrashings were a little well worn. I've always loved the idea of a slow burning fire/embers to reflect love's condition, but it needs fresh presentation to work.

Anyway it leaves me hoping the singers offer was taken...:) jm

Joice,
Thanks for giving this a read. You and your opinions are greatly respected by this humble musician.

Well, Calvin...That's two "for" and none "against", so I'm going to incorporate (at least some) of those recommended trims.

The offer for me to listen to the music you heard still stands.
I promise (and this is a public forum) to split the royalties 50/50 if/when our collaboration makes us both rich :-)

Okay.. it's 4:30 Pacific Time and I'm down for the count. I hope this is still an "active topic" on Sunday.

Thanks to all for the continued support.

Hi Peter,
Yeah, good hook. Good song in there.
Calvin's tweaks look pretty good.
Could be a little more "unique" prasing in places I guess
Only other thing i see is that the first verses kinda' get ahead of the C in that you're already fanning the flames in the verses but then turning her on and lighting her flame in the C. Just my opinion though.
Basically good
Wy

Thanks, as always, Wy.

You raise two good points in one. First, I was afraid that the fire/love cliche had been done to death, but here I am pitching it again. 2nd, during the first verse, I was trying to establish that I'd already built the fire, but that the old fire is burning out. I'll accept suggestions to help to clarify that.

Your insight knows where I want to go with this. I'll appreciate your guidance.

Okay...now I'm really going to bed (5:04 a.m here)

Howdy Peter,

Please accept my belated welcome to this site. I've been out of pocket here for a bit with Pineyfest and all and am remiss in my responsibilities. LOL It is fun to read material from new posters and overall, I enjoyed this...so I'll try to be gentle here.

This is pretty much filled with the usual imagery and isn't giving us anything new to feast on here. It needs to go some new direction with the imagery. However, I think that from a female perspective, this suffers most from the Mars/Venus syndrome, which is, as I see it, the core of the issue here. You are equating having sex with love, which is probably why the flame burned out for her. This appears that all he is asking her for is to have sex with him one more time. If this relationship is in real trouble, the woman is not going to be satisfied just to have him turn her on. For most women, LOVE is far more than the simple act of sex and if that is all this guy is offering to woo her back, it isn't gonna make it, not even on bended knee. Loving someone means living it throughout the day in small but meaningful ways. Show us some of those. Be creative. Figure out what matters to HER and do those things. This is all from HIS perspective and he doesn't appear interested in what matters to her.

In your bridge you ask if there is something he can do or say. I would start with that premise and build your song around the things he wants to give or do for her. Live your love (don't I sound like Ann Landers now? LOL) don't just expect sex to cure everything that ails this relationship.

Ok I am done preaching. If you can solve this issue...I bet there are guys the world over who will be flocking to your door for the solution!! JMO of course but I am a woman. LOL

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hello, Bobbie, and thanks for the welcome.

You're probably right about the imagery. Like I said, I figured the fire/love cliche had been done to death, but I couldn't help myself.

Your perspective does make me rethink this. I wasn't trying to suggest that a one-night tumble would fix things. I was trying to convey the distance between them and his longing to be intimate with her. He's trying everything he knows, but figures that if she won't let him be close to her, he may as well walk away.

To soften this and change the imagery will be a major rewrite, so it'll probably come out under a different title.

I really appreciate your re-directing me on this. After all. If a guy really wants to get through to a woman, he needs to be able to see things from her perspective. Not an easy task for this author :-)

There's many songs out there with the same message bobbie
I do agree though It is riddled with cliches
It takes a lot of practice to stay away from cliche words
I found a link on it one day that helped me

http://www.taxi.com/faq/songwriting/cliches.html

http://www.taxi.com/faq/songwriting/index.html#articles
Those articles helped me a whole lot, I hope they can do the same for you

Can't wait to read the rewriter
Good luck

Peter,

You said something before your song post " I'm always a little uncertain when I step outside my comfort zone. Lets face it, I know more about hitch hiking than I'll ever know about love"

And i think that is a great analogy. and fitting. because both loveand hitch hiking leaves you at the mercy of somebody else. and there is always that possibility that before the end of the ride you can wish you never got in, in the first place..... (i used to hitch hike a lot) most people were really nice.... and then there is that van with no windows...it smells like death, and every thing seems to be an inside joke to the driver.

alright...i think i am going to do a song "about love and hitch hiking" if you don't mind.

Your write is strong. never think that other people have the right answers about love, that you don't .. love is a form fitting emotion. and means soo many different things to soo many different people. so as long as you know what love means to you... (hey that could be a challange) you are fully qualified to write about it.

One of the greatest gifts any woman has ever given me, is allowed me to turn them on. took the barriers down. lived for the moment instead of the past or worrying about the future.

i liked the write, and the story withion it..

cheers
-steve

Cool insight, Dog.....

Wow, Dog!
That's incredible. I guess that is my voice. I just hadn't been hearing it.

It is a wise man who can show another what he already knows but fails to recognize.

Thank you for your wisdom.

Hey Pete,

I can relate to stepping out of your comfort zone. I'm out of mine just being here! I applaude what your trying to do here. I've been running these types of relationship subjects through my mind, but have yet to come up with the right solution.

Others here have offered some good insight. They are probably much more qualified than me. All I can say is I admire you for taking this step.

Buddy, keep on keepin on
Eddie

A very belated hello Pete!

Have been meaning to stop by before, but you know how it is...

The good news for me is that I finally made it and....I sort of agree with everyone. How's that for some constructive criticism?

Sure, some of your lines are a bit familiar, but like Steve says, you need to work with what feels right to you (while still remaining open to other perspectives).

Having said that, I'll have to disagree at least a bit with Bobbie's interpretation about what women want. I think by making those sorts of generalizations, you restrict your creative opportunities. "Back in the day" (I'm just going to start using the BITD acronym from now on!) if a feller wanted to do what he could to "turn me on", I woulda said bring it on! Though certainly long-term relationships can't be based entirely on "romping", it can defintely be used, as you say Pete, to help "jumpstart" a flickering flame.

My only question is about the bended knee...from what I've read, it isn't a proposal...or are you just using the phrase to glorify your proposition?

Lastly, LOVE all the phrases Pogodog pulled out....I have noticed a plethora of Pete-isms in your responses too! The combination of humility and gratitude plus your keen powers of observation make for a very endearing package...

Ciao for now....
Beth

Hey Peter

This one is interesting sure is garnering a lot of looks. Ok my thoughts. I think there is a very fun playfull melody floating around in this one. I really am not seeing a true love song here. What I am seeing is a lets make love once more before we say goodbye song. Not that there is no hope at all of reconciliation but lets just say not a lot. I sm thinking rock and either Bryan Adams "The Summer of 69" or the Black Crowes "Hard to Handle". Sort of fun and upbeat not lonely and sappy. JMO Good luck with this one it's a keeper

Hey, Airun,
Thanks for the link. There's still a lot for me to learn. Steve had mentioned, in another link, that he'd used his Taxi checklist, but I wasn't sure what it meant.

I appreciate the resource and your support.

Steve,
I knew there was something I liked about you. Go figure. You're a kindred soul! I spent a summer back in '83 (or was it '84?) thumbing across most of the states west of the Ohio River.
I'm not sure I'd call my writing "strong", but I'm glad you think so. (see...that's why I love this place...all kinds of support :-)
I appreciate your sympathy for how perplexed I get by love. You put it quite eloquently, "love is a form fitting emotion" What a great line!

As for you writing a song about loving hitch hiking...oh..wait...love AND hitch hiking. I think it's a great idea. I'll be looking for it.

I really appreciate your comments. Thanks.

Thanks for the support, Eddie.

The way I see it is that the only way to get feedback is to fearlessly put it out there.

Keepin' on, Bro...Keepin' on.

PogoDog,
I wanted to say thanks again for looking so closely at my thought processes as laid out for the world to see.

I've taken the liberty of saving those lines into a new file and I'll be starting on that re-write I promised Bobbie :-)

It'll clearly be a different song from the one presented at the top of this thread, and I'll be taking a different approach to the song than usual (usually start with the hook, not the theme).

You have no idea how much I appreciate you holding a mirror up for me to look into. You have inspired me.

I am grateful.

Love that idea boys, can call it "Thumbs up"...make it a story about that year travelling around, open to anything...start the journey with the hitch-hikers' thumb up/out...hitches a ride with a sort of character...they travel a long way together, share some of their history, tell each other things they haven't told anybody else...including how unlucky in love the singer has been. He meets the drivers daughter, they fall in love, get married, and when the preacher says the vows, instead of saying I do, they give the thumb's up sign. I know, you're jealous you didn't think of it yourselves (HA HA HA!!)

Later, man!
Beth

Beth,
As always, I am so happy you were able to stop by and give this a look-see. I'm glad you like it, and that you think that the premise has some validity. I can't help but agree that the words are familiar, but I still felt they were appropriate for this piece. I wanted the character to come off as a down-to-earth, blue collar kind of guy, not a man of great sophistication.

"Bring it on" Ha! I love it! Back in the day, I think most of us had that attitude :-)

Yeah. He wasn't literally on his knees...just emotionally.
It's not a proposal, it's a plea.

Pete-ism's, huh. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. But you are right. Pogo had some great things to tell me about myself.

I always look forward to hearing your opinion. After all, great minds think alike :-)

Yup, PETE-ISMS. Maybe I can come up with something a bit catchier....but yes, you most definitely have a gift for turning a conversational phrase. And it appears to roll off your tongue like a present, surprising and delighting both you and the listener alike.

So I'll keep on that, and you keep on doing what you're doing. Do you have another initial I might work with? I'm araid the "J" with the "-ism" just isn't going to pass muster with the moral majority. :o

Later, dude...
Beth

P.S.. maybe I can take the P and R in Peter and call them "PRISMS"---shining light, reflecting wisdom, yadayadayada!

I love it, Beth!
I'm not sure that's what Steve had in mind, but it's a great premise! Did you say that he finally gets to meet the farmer's daughter? Oh, oh. The Driver's Daughter. Tough to bring her into the picture unless she's already along for the ride.
Hmmm.
I've gotta work on the rewrite for Pogo and Bobbie, but I'd be willing to give it a shot. Maybe some others will too.

The only initial I have left is from my last name: Ferraro.
I'm not sure that would work much better :-)

Well, this could be a really congenial driver, and let's say he picks up some girl (i.e. the future wife) as a hitch-hiker too! That might work even better, since hitchhiking is how they met, and then they END by getting HITCHED!

Now if we could just work Alfred HITCHcock in there somewhere, I think we're looking at a Country Music Award for sure -- LOL!

I'm just basically making this up as I go along, so don't feel any obligation! I certainly won't do anything with it, so knock yourself out if you'd like....Maybe Steve would want to go along for the ride ( ) !

xoxo,
Beth

P.S. F does me no good. I'm thinking I'll go thru all your posts, pull out the oodles of good lines you throw out like nothing, compile them, and call it PRISM AND PROSE....Having no idea what the title means, that will draw the reader in immediately....(yup, reverse, reverse, reVERSE psychology)

You're really rolling
Now that we have her in the picture, as seen through the "Rear Window", We just need to get them down to the church.

If you don't stop with all this high praise, I'll have to stop hanging around you. I'm gonna develop an ego, then I'll be of no use to anybody