JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 'Tis the Season for Another SONG CHALLENGE -Mine Just In!

Howdy folks!

I know it hasn't even been two weeks since our last one, but as I sat here, waiting semi-patiently for my kiddos to get ready for errand-running, I had an AHA! moment. Only two more weeks, and they're back in SCHOOL!!!

This of course got me wondering about a potential SONG, which of course got me thinking about another CHALLENGE. So here we go:

Please try to come up with a song using the word SCHOOL. For those of you who haven't played before, there are no rules other than this particular parameter. I tend to comment along the way to peoples' posts, and by all means, anyone else who wants to add a remark, please feel free to so do (politely, please).

While I had intended to "hi-hosey" (high-hosey?) the SCHOOL VACATION angle, there is no need for me to do so (even though the song is but a fantasy in my mind at the moment). We have such creative folks here, I could make SCHOOL VACATION the parameter, and still get all sorts of interpretations.

Nevertheless, SCHOOL is it for this one, gang.

Good luck, and more importantly, HAVE FUN!! Hope to have my entry in sooner than later...but no need to wait for me!

Beth

No rules!!! I like that kinda' game. Oh, we've gotta' be polite. Well, I'll think about it anyway. I went to watsamattaU for a while . Then DeadendU. and Uoflastresort, but i actually graduated from the Schoolofhardknocks, do I may be qualified
wy

Hey, Beth.
I'm learning to like these challenges. They make me race my artistic engine and keep the pipes clear.
I've noticed that when I speed write, I tend to use the limerick, and I need to break away from that, but for now...

Here's a kickin little tune that should fit the bill. Hope you like.

Road Scholar
(c) 2007 Peter J. Ferraro

You've all heard my stories
About living on the road
About the wind and the rain
And emotional pain
That comes from being all alone

Still some people ask me
How did I ever get through
How did I learn
Which way to turn
It ain't a course you can take in high school

But the Pavement's a mighty fine teacher
The dirt roads have their lessons too.
I've learned from them all
Just how to stand tall
A road scholar. This world is my school

There's some folks that'll never know
The world to that degree
They look at a map
To learn where they're at
If they'd open their eyes they would see

That the Pavement's a mighty fine teacher
The dirt roads have their lessons too.
Learn from them all
Just how to stand tall
A road scholar makes this world his school

Now I'm moving on down the highway
I've got places that I need to be
I'm a bachelor
Ain't got no master
But I'm working on my Ph.D.

Cause the Pavement's a mighty fine teacher
The dirt roads have their lessons too.
I hear them all
Telling me to stand tall
A road scholar is always in school.

Well, heck, now Peter done posted some better stuff than "I" can write so I may not post anything.
Wy

Aw...C'mon, Wyman.
You know as well as I do (and everybody else here) that we love your lyrics. Don't go makin' me feel guilty, or I'll have to quit playing with you's guys.
I'd rather leave the sandbox than play in it alone.

Well good golly Pete,

Way to set the pace!! While I of course enjoyed Wy's quips (hey, when were you at WhatsAMattaU? I knew you looked familiar....)

Honestly, Pete, this is awesome....perfect example of simple yet engaging story with crescendo. Loved how you played with the ROAD in road scholar, too (pavement, etc.) You be rockin' the schoolyard right now, Master P.!

And hey Wy, maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I'm pretty sure Pete called you a sissy or something :o ...I know I wouldn't take that , in fact I'd probably try to write a better song , but hey, that's just me ....

Ciao for now,
Beth

Aw, just kiddin' Peter. If the muse brings me anything she thinks I oughta' post, she'll make me post it anyway. (Never get a red headed muse. They boss you around somethin' terrible. I think this one even has some Irish in her bsides and that's even worse <G>)
Wy
('N that Beth person is an agitator and instigator)

Yeah...Ain't Beth Grand? I likes 'em fiesty.
As for that pushy muse of yours, Part Irish, part French I'm guessin' (just been checking out how you got fried :-) Well I hope your little redhead sits down in front of you and doesn't leave until both of you are happy.

Beth, Thanks for the props! I'm glad you liked it. I can't wait to see what other folks put up here. I need to learn to think outside the box (do a little off-roading?) and I'm hoping to find inspiration and redirection by appreciating the lyrics of others.

Thanks for letting me play here.

Flattery will get you everywhere, Mr. Lloyd !!

And Pete, I think he said something about you not knowing how to rhyme if Mother Goose herself came a-knockin' on your door....(Oh, Wy, you are REALLY asking for it now....)

Hugs and such,
Beth The Muse Motivator

P.S. It just occured to me that that rascal Stan might be excused from this challenge too, with his "Love Makin" song talkin' about old SCHOOL ways. So I guess I am not as clever as I portray myself to be....hmmmmm....that oughtta keep you thinking for a minute or two!!

Did you hear what she said about you Peter?, that you couldn't rhyme goose with moose or something. Maybe she said you "are" a goose. anyway somethin' like that. You gonna' take that?
Wy
(N' I ain't got time fer' this. I gotts' see when the Cubbies come on)

Go Cubbies!
The loose moose got a goose in the caboose while putting a noose on an octapoose.

There...now I hope that's settled.
challenge my rhyming skills, will ya?

Ya can't win <G>
Wy

Wow! PETER! That's profound. I want to hear this one. My I've been missing out on this recurring thread. Beth, you talent scout you!

Mr. Wyman, play nice now

Vanessa

ScHOOL TeACHER
© words and music by C. Stewart ( August 22, 2007 )


Am I the only boy in class
That never reads a book
Am I the only guy that fell for you

When you bend over by my desk
I have to take a look
My mind is full of things I'd like to do

CHORUS....
Don't be afraid to break the rules
School teacher
Can't you see you make me drool
School teacher,
Won't ya teach me something cool
School teacher
Hey, break the rules with me

I know that I should study hard
To muscle up my brain
But that tight sweater's throwing me a curve

If that secret smile I'm sending
Is drivin' you insane
Just let me know, when you get the nerve

CHORUS....
Don't be afraid to break the rules
School teacher
Can't you see you make me drool
School teacher,
Won't ya teach me something cool
School teacher
Hey, break the rules with me

Bridge....
I've been a bad boy , better keep me after class....

INSTRUMENTAL BREAK or......recess, ha

CHORUS....
Don't be afraid to break the rules
School teacher
Can't you see you make me drool
School teacher,
Won't ya teach me something cool
School teacher
Hey, break the rules with me

Pete, Pete, Pete,

You had me going until octapoose!

And 'Go Cubbies' :o? Goodness man, stand up to this Wyman fellow and tell him you like the RED SOX!!

Giggling all the way to the freezer for some ice cream,
Beth

Well the red Sox ain't so much problem right now as them Cardinals and Brewers. We'll get to them Red Sox later, (Maybe)
Wy
(You mean "Octapoose" ain't a word? Well, I never had much schoolin')

Hey Calvin!

I think we're going to by-pass detention today entirely and send you directly to the Principal's office for a good spanking (I know, I know, promises, promises!)

That "reprimand" aside, "you are awesome, man!" A story of biblical proportions, brought down to size for the every-man/student. What a great complement to Pete's song, too...you've written this challenge wide open!!

Thanks as always for playing!!

Beth

P.S. I forgot to mention this reminds me of a slightly less overt version about the same topic: Al Jarreau's "Teach Me Tonight". GREAT SONG, but best not to listen as you're driving the the kids to the bus stop....!

Pretty cool, huh Vanessa? I figure at the very least, I become famous by association!!

What have you got for us, missy???

The Mastermind only in her own mind,
Beth

Last I knew, Wy, the Cardinals were chirping happily at my birdfeeder and the Brewers were happily keeping me up to me elbows in hops.

No WONDER I keep falling down.....

Actually, I sorta like the Cubbies too....we can get the kids smaller toys in them....

I'm sorry, I can't help myself once the first sweet streams of sugar have passed my lips...!

HEY, 1-0 Red Sox!!

Catch ya later....and HEY, you DID just use the word SCHOOLIN', but I don't know that that necessarily qualifies....

Hoping you're going to zing me good with a real "take THAT!" sorta tune,
Beth

Hi Beth,

Wow, Jean had just posted song Challenge #13 over on the Songwriter Forum and now here's another challenge a brewin'. In all honesty I am posting one already written (in fact it's the first lyric I wrote) since I've been out hiking today up Hawk Mountain so I had this tucked in my song file and includes the word "school" in verse 2 line 1. Hope I don't get a detention for using one I had on hand.


"Somethin' Called Love" (Country Male Vocal)
(c)2006 Lynn Orloff

I noticed her in second grade, her freckled face and hair in braids,
On weekends she'd sell lemonade to townsfolk passin' by,
I was just a scrawny geek, with grass-stained knees and sneakered feet,
I'd ride my bike on down her street, and she'd call out to me.

"Oh would you like some lemonade, it's just a dime and freshly made,"
Said "here's two nickels", she said "paid", that's how it all began.

Chorus
Somethin' happened that day,
That sweet lemonade took my thirstin' away,
Somethin' I know is sure gonna stay,
That somethin' is somethin' called love.

Thru elementary school and such, I didn't see her all that much,
We never really kept in touch, until the summertime,
Her lemonade stand I'd quickly find, each cup tastin' sweeter and worth every dime,
Her angel face smile forever traced in my mind, and that's how our love story goes.

Those early years were oh so sweet, down Johnson's pond we'd often meet,
We'd skip some stones, play hide and seek and share our own first kiss.

Somethin' happend that day,
That sweet lemonade took my thirstin' away,
Somethin' I know is sure gonna stay,
That somethin' is somethin' called love.

Then sometime during junior high I took her to the dance,
She said her Daddy took a job, they had to sell the ranch,
I tied tight round her finger a worn-out little string,
And promised her that someday, I'd replace it with a ring.

We married at the altar, I lifted up her veil,
I asked my little angel face "is your lemonade still for sale"?

Somethin' happened that day,
That sweet lemonade took my thirstin' away,
Somethin' surely is goin' my way,
That somethin' is somethin' called love.

Hey Beth,

Well, I'm working fast and furiously on these here chord progressions for Hide Away My Heart. Just finished 'em. My husband has been playing it but he won' t get serious about recording it for me until I type out all the chords above the words. He's the school teacher type, I guess---order and discipline. sigh. Well, now I'll see if he'll interrupt what sounds like 24 playing in the office around the corner. That's a spookey sounding show.

Oops, there I go. too many irons in the fire right now. And last but not least I could never write on demand. My mind goes completely blank when you hand me a topic to write on. Good thing my teachers never did those exercises in school. Maybe they did assign them. Can't remember now. But, I'm sure I didn't enjoy them if they did. But, who knows miracles have happened like me writing a couple bridges recently. So, I'll keep trying to peek in here.

You're lookin' real good surrounding youself with all these other talented folks. Hey, want a hamster cage? Oh, ok. I thought you had a hamster. Sorry. Guess I'll have to earn the title "teacher's pet" the hard way. Sigh.

Vanessa

Hey there, Lynne! --WHOOPS, LYNN...MEA CULPA !

I'm sorry to put you (and any other Lyric 3 traitors -- LOL!) on the spot like that. I am so engrossed in this forum, I forget that these song challenges began well before I arrived. Next time, I'll try to check out what's going on elsewhere before over-booking everyone...

Nevertheless, you're song most certainly qualifies....no penalties for having already written it...in fact, you should probably get extra points for anticipating the challenge!!

As for the song itself, "sweet" certainly fits the bill! We're certainly not the first to appreciate love/food connection, and you explore it both innocently and sensuously here (quite a trick, I might add.)

My only little question is about your post-verse couplets. The first two don't rhyme (either with each other or in connection to their specific verses, though I do see the continuation of your internal rhymes). Then on the couplet connected to your bridge, you make a straight rhyme, without the previously-used internal rhymes....I know this is exceedingly picky....I'm just wondering if it was intentional (or even if it really matters, one way or the other).

So overall, goody-goody, thanks for playing. I do need to go over to that Songwriter Forum and see what's what over there. Maybe Jean and I can work out some sort of schedule, so we're not getting too many fingers in too many different pies....

Anyhoo, as always, thanks for playing!!

Beth

Hey Vanessa,

This game/exercise is strictly voluntary. It's like one of those optional courses you took in school, which was generally pass/fail, remember? Except for this, you can wear your jammies, and you don't have to fret about it ever showing up on your Report Card -- unless you want it to...and you plan to put some music to your Report Card and sell it to all those Report Card Moguls out there....

So if you don't feel like playing, no sweat! Just reading thru them will hopefully be entertaining and enlightening enough...and maybe inspire you to take the plunge next time.

And thank you for noticing my talented surroundings. If in fact I were male, rumored to be gay, well-dressed, busy busy busy, wealthy as all get-go, and didn't like Simon Cowell, I might fancy myself the Ryan Seacrest of this forum -- HARDY HAR HAR!
Seriously, I'm so happy to be able to stir up some creative juices thru these challenge...known in more casual circles as "Pimpin' the Muse".

Anyway, back to it, then to bed to work on MY muse!!

Cheers,
Beth

P.S. Looking forward to hearing the final version of Hide Away My Heart...

P.S.S. As much as I enjoy hamsters, Teacher's Pet status is going to require either a) a tune with the word SCHOOL in it; b) a REALLY good tune with the word SCHOOL in it; or c) $30,000,000 in unmarked $20's. It's your choice (hee hee)

Wow, Vanessa,
Thank you for the kind words.
By the way. Congrats on your success with Froggy Bottom!
It's a very smoothly crafted song.
I'm working on melody for this one right now. Working copies will go to my Soundclick page. Feel free to drop by. Quality is poor, but the songs are there.

Calvin!
What a great job! Boy...I remember back when I was in high....
oh..never mind.
You should be appointed Secretary of Education. Talk about increased gradution rates
This had me dancing in my seat, and I can't dance.
I'm still smiling.

Ok seeing as how the invite is open I'll throw my hat in the ring here. Although as Vanessa said about herself earlier not good at this under pressure stuff as I'd like to be


The School of heart break

Wanted be & a student, pass the tests
Attended all my classes, tried my very best
Awaited all the results, most patiently
I failed em all, so much for my degree



Love is my teacher in
In the school of heartbreak
Seems I always get, an f
No matter the class, I take
I try to study hard, to learn
From my past , mistakes
Seems I'm always in, detention
In the school of, heart break

Thought I'd learned, my lesson
Thought I knew, the rules
Tried to make it through, to recess
Then love kept me, after school

Love is my, teacher
In the school, of heartbreak
Seems I always get, an f
No matter the class, I take
I try to study, hard to learn
From my past , mistakes
Seems I'm always in, detention
In the school of, heart break

You'd think by now I'd wake up, an get a tutor
Or do some studying up from, my home computer

Love is my, teacher
In the school, of heartbreak
Seems I always get, an f
No matter the class, I take
I try to study, hard to learn
From my past , mistakes
Seems I'm always in, detention
In the school of, heart break

Copyright 2007 Derek Hines All Rights Reserved

ok my opinion this one seems forced the fun playing around with an idea is there and I did enjoy that. I couldn't find a way to fit in an actual story to go with this one. Anyone like it you can have it lol I'll drop the copyright even.

Hey Derek,

First off, thanks for taking the plunge. Secondly, I'm sorry you -- I mean the SINGER -- had such a tough THYME (wink) in school.

As for the song itself, I don't know that you need to have a reason for it -- wouldn't the sheer joy of participating in the challenge be reason enough?

If not, and you're considering life for the song beyond this forum, my only nit is, well, the hook/title. To me, heartbreak suggests the end of a bad love affair (with a person). Though certainly, living not too far from the Boston Marathon's Heartbreak Hill, I know it can be used otherwise. My point is that I kept waiting for a classmate, teacher, janitor or someone to show up who had broken your heart. When you say "Love is my teacher...." I think he's going to start talking about her...and he doesn't, so I'm a bit disappointed.

However, really like the PREMISE. And think with very minimal tweaking it could be great. Hate to make these comments then leave you hanging, but on short shift this morning....while I'm sure you'll have received help from elsewhere by then, I'd love to have a go at it later...

IN the meantime, thank you so much for playing, and don't be so hard on yourself...that's HOUR/OUR (wink) job!!

Catch you later,
Beth

School Of Love's Religion

School? I went on occassion
campus concerts and such
didn't care for the classroom much
so I hired a liason

an Irish girl to take notes
in catholic schools you see
good penmanship is guaranteed
in her eyes, I could see what she wrote

At graduation I asked
my Irish lass
if she thought our paths
would cross, and she laughed
maybe if you ever came to school
I'd be familiar with your crown jewels
but you were aloof, played it all so cool
you turned what could have been, into fossil fuel

Burnadette, sure be that way
tell me now, who's playing hard to get
if I really want you girl, it's a sure bet
we'd be rolling in the hay

but Burnadette had made her decision
"give me a pistol and three round balls
I'm gonna shoot anybody I don't like at all"
Lord it's hell, at the school of love's religion

At graduation I asked
my Irish lass
if she thought our paths
would cross, and she laughed
maybe if you ever came to school
I'd be familiar with your crown jewels
but you were aloof, played it all so cool
you turned what could have been, into fossil fuel

rittman did it

Okay Beth gal.....I've missed the last couple or so...but here ya go ! jm

School of Fish © joice marie 2007

Feels like I'm swimming
in deep deep water
dark, murky, cold 'n tingling

Feels like I'm drowning
a tired, tired, floater
cramped, achy, scaly 'n stinging

Whatever happened to my school of fish?
did they make their way to see(sea)
Whatever happened, did they get their wish?
they were gonna make a place to live free
with peace, tranquility, and harmony
Whatever happened to my school of fish?

Feels like I'm living
in a dark dark climate
war, terror, hate 'n killing

Feels like I'm fighting
a long long battle
tears, pain, sadness winning

Whatever happened to my school of fish?
did they make their way to see
Whatever happened, did they get their wish?
they were gonna make a place to live free
with peace, tranquility, and harmony
Whatever happened to my school of fish?

blue sky blue ocean
red tired, teary (bloody?) eyes
white stars light a night time skyline
wave a white flag before we all die......

Whatever happened to my school of fish?
did they make their way to see
Whatever happened, did they get their wish?
they were gonna make a place to live free
with peace, tranquility, and harmony
Whatever happened to my school of fish?

wave a white flag before we all die......

Hey Richard,

So it appears another Irish lassie is causing some consternation for our male contenders! Those freckles are mighty deceiving, I'll tell you.

Love the opening verse here...it sets up the rest of the story nicely. I also like your ABBA rhyme scheme...just don't see much of that one anymore, so it was a refreshing find.

I have to say though I don't quite get the title, "School of Love's Religion". I understand you're DEVOTED to her, she's in CATHOLIC SCHOOL, but I don't see how the three words fit together.

Back to the good stuff...really clever turning the familiar "family jewels" into fossil fuel....

....and back again....is there a bridge in here I'm missing? Do songs even need a bridge?..is that a law or something?

Overall a fun and sassy tale, Rittman. We have got to get you boys some lessons on dealing with these redheads though!!

Thanks ever so much for playing!!! Hope you don't mind my making these sorts of comments...I figure if you folks have gone to enough trouble to respond to the challenge, I at least owe you a grateful stab at reviewing them (and oh BTW, I ENJOY THE READS!!)

Sooner or Later,
Beth

Hey JM,

I was wondering if anyone would take a chance with a School of Fish....I'm so glad you did--especially since you took it in such a poignant and unexpected direction.

I honestly have nothing more to say here other than I think it's fab. I also think I'll refrain from the tuna salad I had planned for lunch.

Thanks for your participation....I surely wish I had your way with words.

Beth

Hi Beth,

Well, you know what they they say 'bout them report card moguls ie. Soundclick--their reports ain't worth the paper they're written on. Folks just take 'em with a grain of salt. Now YOUR report card's got a lot of clout. According to what I've heard Course I'm one of them checklist/rubric teachers. Just do your work and measure yourself against yourself. That's my motto. Always has been. But, I try to be polite. Never sure what to do. Either the mogulers or the mogule notters might be offended. It's like shootin' hoops with the globe trotters.

To mogul or not to mogul that's the question.

Vanessa

Hey Folks,

Just wanted to take a moment "mid-stream" (nod to you, JM!) to thank you all for contributing to these challenges...I am having such a great time reading all the different interpretations and getting another peek into your personalities and styles in the process...it's like one big musical Rorschach test!

I would hope, too, that you're getting a decent ROI, otherwise you wouldn't keep playing....

Finally, thanks for putting up with my "Commentary Along the Way." Even moreso than in the regular postings, PLEASE know that all sugs are "asbotively posilutely" keep or sweep.

Looking forward to the next one,
Beth

Here's one that's been hanging around for a while.
It's a highly fictionalized version of the couple of grad classes I took years ago.

GRADUATE SCHOOL RAG

by Lee Arten
(c) 2006 Lee Arten
All rights reserved.

Boss said I hould be more of an educated fool
So I signed on the line for graduate school.
Had to squeeze my truck into a compact car slot.
Study some things I'd just as soon not.
For the inflated price of those slick, liberal lessons,
I could have bought a couple of Smith & Wessons.

Professor one was a woman---but it was hard to tell.
Professor two was a man---with a book to sell.
Their assistants did most of the actual classes,
While the professors sat on their overpaid asses.

A woman in class just mangled "the English."
Thought the "right" way and came out distinguished.
I wrote better than the kids in the school
Politics put me just a step above fool.
For what it cost for those slick, liberal lessons,
I could have bought a couple of Smith & Wessons.

Professor one was a woman---but it was hard to tell.
Professor two was a man---with a book to sell.
Their assistants did most of the actual classes,
While the professors sat on their overpaid asses.

Wouldn't go to grad school again on a bet.
Some of the those assistants are down there yet. (Wearing Che Shirts!)
Don't shove me toward campus boss, I ain't goin'
S... of b.....s get my inner redneck showin'
I'm spendin' my schoolin' money on much better things.
Smith revolvers, cold beer, and hot chicken wings.

Professor one was a woman---but it was hard to tell.
Professor two was a man---with a book to sell...

Howdy Lee,

For whatever reason, I got the Beverly Hillbillies tune going in my head as I read thru this one...and it was sorta fun that way!

So regardless of the legitimacy of your message, your interpretation was very entertaining. LOVED the part about the two different professors.... and the concept of an "inner redneck" is just too durn much!!

My only question is about the line:

Politics put me just a step above fool.

I don't have an issue with it, just wanted a little more info...did you mean your boss put you in a lower "grade" class than you warranted, or only fools go to grad school, or what exactly? No worries from me, either way, never went to grad school myself!!

My goodness, I'm going to have to stop right here...the finches, and bluejays and cardinals and browncapped blackbirds (etc.) in our back yard are making such a commotion, I can't think. (Hence the term Bird-brain?)

Anyway, thanks for playing! Glad this gave you an excuse for dusting this one off....a song "unsung" is a sad one indeed.

Ciao for now,
Beth

Beth:
That line was embroidered a bit, for effect.

Hewing to the official line did seem to raise folk's grades in the classes I took, however.

Ms. Beth, that ruler smarts! I promise I won't talk back no more,

till the


next time,

Vanessa

OK, here ya go. I brought enough for everybody. Still thinking on that topic starter.

Hi Beth

religion in this case is equated with fear, just gotta picture John Wayne (Duke(not Wayne Newton) doing the narration...

rittman

Hi again Vanessa,

I think that sounds like a hook to me: "To mogul or not to mogul, that is the question"....course, you could bring in the whole skiing angle, maybe taking skiing lessons at SKI SCHOOL....and awaaaaaaaaaaaaaay you go!!

Technically, I like the idea of "to your own self be true" and all that...especially since I'm doing this primarily for fun/distraction/catharsis, etc. -- not for the money. However, I have had my appetite whetted by the occasional kudo, and have found my self refreshing the page a bit more than necessary after a particularly clever (in MY mind) post. I think at the most fundamental level, we creatives are looking for validation of our talent, so you must be a very strong individual to be able to listen to outside commentary and either chew and swallow or spit it out. I'm envious of your sense of self-satisfaction (I mean that in a GOOD way, NOT as in you're snooty or anything).

Having said all that, I don't know that MY comments amount to a hill of beans....but if you want to buy an apple for the teacher, I won't say no!!

Thanks for visiting again,
Beth

Thanks for the clarification, Rittman. The Duke's narration suggestion made all the difference!

That might be another fun challenge....write a song that might have been sung by John Wayne....ha ha, I obviously am overtired....

As always, thanks for playing!
Beth

Couldn’t Get Past Her

She finally got past her.

H A P P Y
B I R T H D A Y
VaneSSa

FUNNY SONG !
I like this best, don't ask me why :-)

Wear a veil and beaded bra with bells

See ya,

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Vanessa, Vanessa, Vanessa,

First off, apparently happy birthday wishes are in order....might this have inspired this particular number??

Second, I fear you might be spending too much time hanging around Calvin...the fact that this is his favorite speaks for itself (LOL! -- LOVE YA, CALVIN!)

All that aside, this is a WONDERFUL retort! A former AAAAAAA myself, between motherhood and years of prednisone weight gain, my gals have blossomed beyond everyone's wildest dreams (of course, with all these orthopedic issues, for the moment they are strictly decorative ;), so I think the whole idea of her not being able to make it under the limbo bar is PRICELESS.

Though perhaps not intended, I also appreciated the possible double-meaning of the lines:

Even bought an inflatable stick
For nights when things get boring

(Of course, that comment might be just a result of hanging around with Calvin, Stan, and the rest of the riff-raff!)

I'm also curious why she had a hard time jingling her bells, so to speak? I would think the men folk would be happy just to see her standing there in said costume....

I'm not following your rhyme scheme all the way thru, but it didn't bother me particularly, since I enjoyed the story so much.

And finally, might I offer an additional line for your bridge (K or S, you know how that goes:)?

Next year she’s decided to take some time off
To have a breast reduction
So she and the others can all get past her bust
AT LAST, AN AMPLE DEDUCTION

SOOOO, thanks for pushing all my mogul talk aside and going for the gusto....well worth the effort for us, and hopefully for you too!

Beth

P.S. Again, Happy Birthday!!

Howdy Beth,

Here's my Forum 3 homework and an apple for teacher.

I had to chase my dog around the house to retrieve my lyric and then had to rewrite it because he had chewed holes in it and dog slobber was everywhere.

Anyway better late than never. It's called "Tattered Sons".


Peace,

Nathan

*****************************

Tattered Sons

His daddy didn't live at home
And his mother was disgraced
I knew her brand of trouble
By the worn look on her face
Her son reminded me of myself,
Another forsaken southern child,
Left alone to find his place
In the sin darkened city wild

Seeking a ride to Sunday school
Needing a ticket to be free
Another tattered southern son
Living in a slum in Tennessee

He was six-years-old when I met him
On a Saturday in spring
He came running from behind a wall
When he heard our bus horn ring
I was a freshman college student
Working off requirements for a class
For a course in urban ministries, to me,
A matter of fail or pass

Seeking a ride to Sunday school
Needing a ticket to be free
Another tattered southern son
Living in a slum in Tennessee

His clothes were torn and dirty,
His tennis shoes worn out as well
The other kids teased and commented
About the way the little one smelled
I guess he thought he knew me
Because he jumped right up in my arms
Circled my neck and hugged me
And I was taken by his charm

Instantly God released words in me
That I could not have learned in school
Give love and it will be given back
And increased a thousand fold
The child hopped down and I handed him
A little storybook about a giant
And a little boy that slew it
With the power of God's might

Seeking a ride to Sunday school
Needing a ticket to be free
Another tattered southern son
Living in a slum in Tennessee

His daddy didn't live at home
And his mother was disgraced
I knew her brand of trouble
By the worn look on her face
Her son reminded me of myself,
Another tattered southern child,
Left alone to seek his place
In the sin darkened city wild

When his mother died of drug overdose
It was in my senior year
I became a ticket out to a tattered son
So filled with fear
A renewed man became a father
And a lonely boy became a son
That was twenty years ago...
See my grandchildren run!

Seeking a ride to Sunday school
Needing a ticket to be free
Jesus died, was buried, and rose again
To reconcile all humanity


Nathan A. Baker
(c)2007 all rights reserved

Hi folks,

I haven't tried the song challenges before so thought I would give this a bash.

so many great ones already !!


The Happiest Days of our Lives

Well I remember back in school
Spent most days by myself
Couldn't hold a conversation
With someone who's only twelve

Never knew what made them laugh
But they knew what made me weep
They thought cause I was kinda smart
That also made me weak.

Now I know that all the teachers
They turned the odd blind eye
And couldn't wait to tell the others
About the things that made me cry

My friends all say they would go back
And take another bow
I'll tell you straight, I'd only go back
If I knew what I know now

And then I'd laugh at all there silly games
Slap the bullies in the face
Then I'd make them see
That their behaviors a disgrace.

Everyone says that schooldays
Are the happiest ones you get
But I don't care, cause unlike them
I haven't had mine yet

(c) Andy Dinnell 2007


Andy

Hey Nathan,

As the personal friend of a couple of scoundrels from Tennessee, I was drawn to your story immediately. It's so Smokey Mountains, backwoods, sad. I'm also grateful the dog left enough remnants for you to recompose it here for us!

Overall, I enjoyed it, especially since there is, relatively speaking, a happy ending. That is one of a couple of thoughts I had about it, though...that is, it took me a bit too long to reach the ending. I know you have a lot to say, but I think you can trust us and yourself to go with a little more of the nuances.

Also, some of your lines have a couple of more words than you need (believe me, I know this only because it is the pot calling the kettle black!). For instance, you might tighten up this verse with....

His clothes were torn and dirty,
His shoes worn out as well
The other kids all teased him
'Bout the way he always smelled
I guess he thought he knew me
'Cause he jumped right in my arms
Snuggled close and hugged me
His special brand of charm

As you know, we're all about the keep and sweep here...I'm just trying to pass along some of the "learnin' I done got taught" from the other generous and much more experienced writers in this group.

Ultimately, I think you have the basis for a very strong piece here. After putting it back in the blender and cutting out a few words, she'll be tight as a drum.

I look forward to seeing if you take another stab at it.

Beth

P.S. Really like the title

P.P.S. FYI, my favorite apple happens to be the crispy pink lady. Hard to come by, but worth every morsel!!!

Beth,

Thank you for your response. I will try to shorten the lyric and repost it again for critique when I do. I appreciate your constructive criticism and kind words.

As a writer of mostly lyrical poetry I am like the 'Little Engine' when it comes to song writing. "I think I can, I think I can"..

A fellow has to have dreams.

Peace,

Nathan

Hi again Beth,

Yes you are correct the structure is a bit aschew but it was my first lyric and I wasn't aware of formats etc. but I think the last verse could sing as a bridge. If someone ever does music perhaps that could be worked out or worked on. Thanks!!!

Best,
Lynn

Howdy Andy!

First off, love your avatar...is that a self-portrait, or perhaps some famous piece I don't recognize? My parents are both artists, so I think it's wonderful, whatever the source.

I must say, the tone of the avatar almost sets the mood for this piece. Dark, bitter, but still hopeful in the end. That seems to be a recurrent theme lately....THE BITTER WITH THE SWEET...

Anyway, nothing much to nit about, cleanly written, rhyme schemes straightforward...I guess I could come up with a couple of things for consideration, since you went to the trouble of playing this time....

Like guilty me, you sometimes run into an extra word or syllable, even though your lines are still relatively short. For instance, at the outset, I don't think you need the word WELL. Get right to it, and we'll be drawn in quicker. Later in that same verse, you might change the word "only" to "just".

In your verse about the abominably-behaved teachers, you might tighten it up with:

I wish I'd known the teachers
Had not only failed to try
To get the others to leave me be,
They taught what made me cry

I'm also a bit thrown off by your FRIENDS verse. Are you referring to friends he had back in school? Or his friends today? If it's the former, where were they THEN? If it's the latter, you might want to spell that out a bit more clearly...

My grown-up friends would gladly turn
back time if they knew how
I'll tell you straight, I'd only go
Armed with what I know now

I'd laugh at all those childish pranks
Slap bullies in the face
I'd shed no tears for them instead
Enjoy their fall from grace.



Good golly, Andy, you must remind me to quit while I'm ahead....I got so engrossed in playing around with this song, I took more than a few liberties. I am sorry. Remember, it's all keep or sweep, and just because I offered an option B, it doesn't mean that option A isn't viable....I guess it's one of those "you say toMAYto, I say toMAHto" situations.

I hope this hasn't turned you off to the challenges...my aim is to encourage, not discourage.

Thank you for being so patient with me, and letting me have my way with you(r song)!

Getting a bit big in the britches :o,
Beth

Gracious, Miss Vanessa!

I think you best get yourself right up here next to me at the front of the class, you sweet little thing! You kids never cease to amaze me with the crazy ideas for tokens of your affection....All nice and shiny, too, just like they're supposed to be!

So there's my bushel....has anyone seen Gregory Peck? (please forgive me, Gods and Goddesses of real humor....)

All kidding aside, thanks so much Vanessa....I'm sure they were just a few clicks away, but the idea that you'd go to the trouble of an apple-hunting expedition on my account means a lot to me.

Chomping at the bit,
Beth

P.S. With this show of maturity, I'm granting you license to leave the school premises tomorrow during your free period. I'm very very proud....