JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 "A Series of Random Events" -- Alternate Versioin--WAY DOWN!

Good Evening!

I've been flirting with this idea about fate vs. free will, and how whatever path you take leads to another path and creates a life that is different from the one you would have had had you taken road #2. A bit heavy for this hour of the morning, but I thought I'd at least get this off my desktop and see if yall can help me out here. I think the concept is bigger than the song, but I don't want it to be preachy either...

Any thoughts? (and if I don't answer, presume I've gone to bed...but if someone is just dying to read it (LOL!!), I'll at least wait around for a few minutes....)

Good luck, and thanks for dropping by....

Beth


”A Series of Random Events”
© Lyrics2007 Beth Williams


I’ve traveled many miles to get to this point in my life
I navigated each fork in the road with guile
Yet when the big boss ‘fessed up to a bad sense of direction
I had to stop and think on it a while.

I wondered how he’d got so far without a map or plan
How did he know if he should go left or go right?
And though I knew he had to have a least some basic skills,
His meteoric rise would keep me up all night.

Chorus:
Was it self-determination?
Or my keen imagination
I was in control of where I went?
Like a pinball launched and bounding all over creation
Was my life a Series of Random Events?

I tried to reconsider all my major twists and turns
And how I’d come to make the choices I had made…
But wait a sec, I see the party where I met my wife
On whom I’d accidentally spilled my lemonade.

Bridge:
What followed was a date
Knew quickly she was great
We couldn’t bear to wait
It seemed this change in my journey was a matter of Fate

Chorus:
I guess that self-determination
When enhanced by chance relations
Helped me come to terms with how my life’s been spent
Like a pinball launched and lighting up a world of destinations
It’s really just a Series of Random Events

Hey, Beth,
Great Concept! (please check out my song "Thousand Mile Journey"
You'll quickly learn I am more the free will type than the fate follower, but that makes your point no less valid.

You are right that the concept may be too large for a single song. You may find that you need to confine your thoughts to either anecdote or allusion. Combining the two makes the lyric a little jumpy. JMO
Try to keep your language at one level. Words like guile and meteoric don't seem to fit well with "'fessed up" and "wait a sec"
Watch your storyline... Verse 1 says the boss has a bad sense of direction, but Verse 2 says he knew if he should go left or go right.
The final chorus is a beautiful and powerful summation
All in all, if I were to give it to you in a nutshell, I'd say give us listeners credit. If you offer us clear anecdotes, we'll figure out the theme. If you give us character and theme, we can apply it to our own situations (a more universal approach).

I'm not the songwriters guru, and these are just my opinions. I hope you get comments from others as well so that you have something to compare this to.
Best of Luck. I can't wait to see your next go-round.

pete

Good morning, Peter...

First of all, hello. Always nice to see a new name on my threads! Might my reputation be preceding me (LOL), or were you just intrigued by the title?

Secondly, and more importantly, thank you for your comments. I'm glad (I guess) that I wasn't way off the mark when I said I needed help on this. I think part of it was a function of my "I'm gonna get this song on the board tonight if it kills me", as I had been MIA for a bit and wanted to get back into the swing of things. I was way too tired to even be awake, forget composing a song...alas, a classic case of haste makes waste.

However, I appreciate that you were still able to find the good in it. And I can speak to your question about the boss: in V1 singer talks about his having no sense of direction and in V2 questions how he could KNOW whether to go left or right...the answer is he DOESN'T...he's a man who has successfully risen to the top b/c of FATE (luck, or accidental good choices, whatever you want to call it).

And good point about making sure my language is consistent...I had made the very same comment on someone else's thread earlier.

I think I'll probably had back in the direction of his wife. I think the references to the boss are in some ways obscure.

So thanks so much for stopping by....I'll be curious what the rest of the gang has to say....

Cheers,
Beth

P.S. I had always fancied myself free will type of gal, but after so many medical mishaps, I can't imagine I'd keep falling down on purpose (though I have gotten a lot of mileage out of my moaning and groaning... !)

I learned a lot from Peter's critique of your song - going to check my lyrics for that criteria as well.

Why not make the Chorus present tense?

"IS IT SELF-DETERMINATION?
OR MY KEEN IMAGINATION", etc.

Hey Cynthia,

Yes, Peter surely had some "helpful hints"! Just another "duh!" moment for me! (hey, that's a catchy title!!)

As for the chorus, I had used the past tense since the singer is wondering retrospectively if everything up to that point had been dictated by Fate or his own devices.

When I get to the re-write, though, we'll see what happens... I am leaning towards your present tense suggestion, as it does seem to make it more engaging for the listener.

Thanks for sharing,
Beth

Hey Beth G,
Yeah, Peter had a good point on the consistent language, '(Nother welcome Peter).
Replacing 'fessed up" with confessed would flow better too the way I hear it. I think the only other slang is "sec" which shouldn't be that hard to resolve either.
This line in the C-------
I was in control of where I went?---I guess the singer could bring it off as a question but might be easier to say--
WAS I IN CONTROL etc.
These 2 lines seem a bit too "easy"
What followed was a date
Knew quickly she was great
Maybe have the second one --We wound up at my place. Well I know it was a first date but everything went "swimmingly" you see. (Mattera' fact he had a swimming pool that they could indulge in. (I mesn if they "wanted' to. <G>
Yeah, it might be too big a suibject to cover in one song.
maybe limit it to "proving" it
one way or the other.
Still an interesting subject though
Wy

Hi Beth

I liked what Peter said so well, that I'm going to direct him to stay away from my lyrics...That's a joke Pete..

being that I sense a rewrite around the corner, and I can't add anything new, I'll just watch my jungle grow till then...oh and a look at Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" seems in order

1. The Road Not Taken


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 20

Well Good Afternoon, Wy!

I really did bite off more than I can chew, didn't I?

Thus, I'm taking another go at it this afternoon, and I'm actually pleased with the new direction. Alas, my MUSE keeps getting interrupted by my kiddoes! Do I have to be nice to them all summer long?? : It's too hot to go outside, and they are quite industrious, but I feel like I should be interacting with them in some way....What a burden we parents face today...can you imagine OUR parents ever stopping in the middle of their chores/activities/whatever to "sit down for some quality time"? It certainly never would have occurred to me to ask for it...

Anyhoo, I hope to get Round Two finished sometime tonight. Once they're off to bed, the computer's mine, ALL MINE!! HA HA HA HA!

Ciao for now,
Beth, who is now realizing why my broken limbs are taking so long to heal -- I'm being pulled in too many different
directions!!

P.S. Look forward to hearing your thoughts on the eventual re-write...

Okay, so here's my second go-round on this one....I've taken it down to a more personal level, and it's done a bit tongue in cheek too. Now the singer is dumbfounded by his lover's confession, poor guy!

I still have some more work to do on it, but wanted to at least get it down "on paper" so I had something solid to work with later tonight.

Nits welcome as always!
Beth

”A Series of Random Events”
© Lyrics2007 Beth Williams


We crumbled Sunday’s paper and we messed the sheets as well
Leaving me with two ink decorated knees
Will you ever let me leave? She teased, you’ve cast a spell
Now I’m your love-slave, trained to do just what you please.

I laughed, you are a good girl, and I’m lucky to have found you
At that party, touching hands by accident…
She coyly said don’t be so sure, when you came into view
Our meeting would become a planned event.

Chorus:
What’s this? Love borne of calculation?
Not by Fate’s stray incantation?
I had always thought her Heaven sent
Was I not the man for her, her final destination
Found only after a Series of Random Events?

My sense of our history thus upset I slid under the covers
Mistaking my intentions, she came too
I greeted her with, “So I’m just like the others?
Not a surprise, just a trophy for you?”

Bridge:
She stifled a chuckle
Then said, what a knuckle-
Head, why should the road to here matter?
By luck or design
I’m yours and you’re mine
And I’m sorry, my intent was to flatter

Chorus:
Because her self-determination
Was enhanced by chance relations
I have come to terms with how things went
Like pinballs launched, seeking a world of destinations
Our path is lit by a Series of Random Events

Hey Richard!

Afore-mentioned re-write available now for your perusal....would love to hear your thoughts on it...(and don't worry, I'm bound to be doing some more tweaking later, so let her rip!)

Also, that particular piece by Robert Frost is one of my very very favorites. Thank you for reminding me of it. Reading it again pleased me so much, in fact, I won't even scold you for making me feel so unworthy by comparison!!

Thanks for chiming in...

Beth

Hey, Beth,
First, I want to thank you and your friends here for making me feel so welcome. Geez. I've never received such high praise for being critical before :-)
Very Nice re-write! I hope I didn't throw you too far off your original track. This go-round has a much more eloquent flow and the setting is illustrated beautifully. Your characters now have personality...and they seem like a nice, fun-loving and happy couple. I'll sit back and let another of your supporting fans give the critique, should they feel any is necessary.
Do you do your own melodies? I'd be interested in hearing the direction this will take.
I'll check in later tonight and see if you need my two cents.

Til then, and always, be well.

Ah yes, The Road Less Traveled, loved it. I wrote a song or two that referred to it.
Congratulations on having industrious children Beth. Industrious is good.
I, uh, don't think the phrase "quality time" had been invented yet when I was a kid, but I don't see that,that fact stunted my growth or anything.
I'll print off your new version 'cause I can't sit at the 'puter long. Kinda' like you Beth, I have aches and pains in parts of my body I didn't used to know where they werelocated <G>
Wy

Hey Peter(J)!,

So glad we're making you feel at home here....I'm a big fan of the welcome wagon -- whether the neighbor is real or virtual.

And don't worry, the length of your tenure here has nothing to do with your obvious capacity for good old-fashioned constructive criticism. If we were afraid to hear bad news, we'd have to restrict our song-sharing to immediate family members!

As such, I'm glad for the parameters you gave me...you really helped me make some tough creative choices, which hopefully will be enjoyed by the rest of this gaggle of geese too.

Lastly, I'm delighted that I've managed to convey a sense of belonging to this board. In truth, I've only been around a few months now....Primarily, I hang out on this thread, as I unfortunately have no musical knowhow....I have played piano, and I can read music, but I couldn't think up an original tune for anything. I basically just try to sing-song my way thru the lyrics, hoping to make them at least palatable rhythmically. Composing music I'll have to leave to the experts....(that's not to say I don't have opinions of how it should sound, but anyhoo).

Chow's on, so will check in later....

Thanks again for checking on my progress!!

Beth

IMHO Beth , that's got to be a pretty dang good lyric now.
(It's probably peter J's fault <G>)
Only one line bothered me, mainly for flow.----the "matter" line.
I wanted a two silly word where "here" is. Wanted to make it "heaven"
She stifled a chuckle
Then said, what a knuckle-
Head, why should the road to (HEAVEN) matter?
By luck or design
I’m yours and you’re mine
And I’m sorry, my intent was to flatter
wy

Hi Beth:

I think you did a great job with your rewrite.. It's much clearer as to who's who and what's what in this song, and the whole thing flows along much more smoothly.

What strikes me now is the very stylized language, especially in the choruses and second verse. Yes, it's tongue-in-cheek, and even the title sets us up for a kind of ironically "erudite" tone, but the current draft is bordering on a kind of novelty/cabaret effect, simply because of the extremes of usage and grammar, and what a singer would have to do to put it across.

If that's what you're going for, then you're very close to done. But if you're going for a wider appeal, I'd consider backing away from that extreme.. keeping the humor, but not stretching credulity with such "Frasier-esque" language.

Again, nice rewrite, methinks.

Hi again, Wy,

You've been so helpful on this one, thanks in advance...

I see what you're getting at with "the matter" line...but I'm stuck on a ONE syllable word there...

She STIfled a CHUckle
Then SAID what a KNUckle
Head, WHY should the ROAD to ____ MATter?
By LUCK or deSIGN
I'm YOURS and you're MINE
And I'm SORry, my inTENT was to FLATter?

I'd be happy to split the difference, and go for "BLISS" instead of the "HERE"....but if you sound out the two syllables for me, "HEAVEN" would be heavenly. What do you think about "RAPTURE"? A bit too stylized, as suggested below? A shame, as I'm All About Alliteration!!

Regardless, thanks for all your help, and I hope that you find your working parts (and not-so-working parts!) sooner rather than later!!

Ciao for now!!
Beth

Howdy Richard...

What is it that Al Pacino says in "The Godfather"? "Just when you think you're out, they PULL YOU back in"? That's the first thing that popped into my head as I read over the past few posts...you people are DETERMINED to make me think, aren't you ?

Anyhoo, I totally understand your point about the stylized language...even as I wrote it, my tongue was tripping all over the place. My editing problem here is three-fold, though: first, I've grown somewhat fond of the vocab you mention; secondly, I do in some ways see this chap as "Frasier-esque"; in truth he really YEARNS for schedules and planning and such, but feels he has to be a bit looser to be the romantic he fancies himself. Finally, I'm a bit weary from lack of sleep and a tortorous physical therapy session today, and I tbink my brain is too fried at the moment to revisit this angle tonight.

That isn't to say I'm averse to trying again....and fortunately, I'm not entirely dissatisfied with the current version either. Maybe after some Ben and Jerry's I'll be re-energized and can take another gander (O, what we do for our art!!! winkety-wink!)

Regardless, I appreciate your comprehensive comments...makes me feel like it was worth the effort...

More later, perhaps....

Beth, Ben & Jerry

Hi Beth:

I hear you -- I'm pretty zonked meself. IMO, no song overhaul is needed if you want the song to sing that way.. The right singer could have a lot of fun with it. But if you don't want that "novelty" aspect so much, then it's probably worth it to tone down the "erudition." Might be worth it, regardless, just to see what you come up with.

I had another thought.. Maybe there's a surprise in store for her as well.. Maybe he was also "angling" for them to meet, but only admits it after she 'fesses up. So they were both being crafty, and both pretending that it was all by chance.. A fun twist, perhaps, with a little competition thrown in.. However, that may well be a different song entirely (a duet?).

Ciao for nao,

Richard, you're killing me here! So many good suggestions, so little time....

I don't know that I'll venture into duet territory, but I still may (might?) try to play around with the language a bit, if only for the exercise. It was such a huge undertaking for me to get it back on track to begin with, I think I need a little distance first.

So thanks again for your thoughts, and rest up, for tomorrow is another day (for music!)

TTFN,
Beth

P.S. FYI, Ben and Jerry went straight to my hips, and didn't help me one iota!

Hey Beth!

Interesting read! Great hook!

A couple of nits - first line in verse 2 - make he'd into he

and...it's very wordy. I think you can cut a lot of words out without losing your story. Here's an example - you wrote That could be shortened to On whom I've just spilled my lemonade.

Keep or sweep!

Charlann

Hey Charlann,

Thanks for stopping by, but you need to skip down a ways to get to the rewrite -- a whole different ball of wax. I'm glad you mentioned the lemonade line, otherwise I wouldn't have realized you were reading the wrong one....

See if you like the second one any better....

Either way, I appreciate your comments....

Hoping to hear back from you ,
Beth

Hey Beth!

Now you're giving me quite a chuckle. Your use of so many multi-syllabic words in such a rhythmic manner is quite enjoyable! It reminds me of the "song-patter" that Rex Harrison was known for, especially in his performance of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady."

I'd like to hear it performed now!

Charlann

Hi again, Charlann!

I'm glad I could provide you with some entertainment this evening, but my friends don't call me Ramblin' Rose for nothing! (actually they don't call me that at all, and I'm a bit disappointed in myself for giving that up so quickly...)

Incidentally, I was quite flattered by being likened to "Henry Higgins". As the Master of Lingusitic Acrobatics, Rex totally Rocked! Now that I think about it, didn't he talk to the animals too? Maybe that would explain my ability to understand the one meow my kitty cat makes (FYI, loosely translated it means, "Hey, Chatty Cathy, how 'bout some grub?")

I know you are going to find this hard to believe, Charlann, but after my maiden meeting with my now in-laws, the first words "mom" said to my soon-to-be-hubby were "Well, she's quite a talker!"

I'm now thinking that this whole POST is a Series of Random Events...

Thanks for the read and the listen!!
Chip chip cheerio and all that,
Beth

For those of you trying to keep up with my shenanigans on this tune, I actually COUNTED the posts (I did VERY well in elementary school-LOL), and discovered that the re-write is actually the 8th post below my original.

Hope at this hour of the night it didn't pose much of dilemma for anyone....

Forever trying to get out of here, but....
Beth

Beth
I'm convinced your song is a hit.
Everybody who's seen it wants to be a part of it!
That's what art is supposed to do.

Congratulations
Your humble fan...

Goodness, "PJ"!

Are you sniffing around for Red Sox tickets??

Seriously, thanks for the compliments. I'm just trying to think of the type of singer that could pull this off...maybe Elton John could free up his schedule to squeeze us in...Bernie Taupin is totally invited to sit in....

Later and thanks again...
Beth

Beth,

I liked both writes, but the second one grabbed me a little more. now, if you didn't write this from a male POV, or a male singer, it piqued my interest more. the conversation between both seemed strangely feminine, so i am going to call this as such.

The limerick section in the bridge really set it off. would like to hear how you meant it sang though.

-steve

Thanks for taking a peek, Steve....but I'm not quite clear on your comments about the feminine nature of the verse....has all this sorority talk got your mind going in some naughty directions?

Personally, I see the over-the-top language as "conversation compensation" by a man for a very small, well, you know.

As for how it would be sung? For some god-awful reason, now you've got me thinking about Liberace!!

MOre later, I suspect!
Beth

Okay all, I'm giving this another shot, to try a version with less stylized writing. I have to say, I don't really like it....maybe I wasn't committed to the idea in the first place? That probably isn't the best way to get you to read it...I've just re-done the choruses....think I've sent it into snooze-land.
Let me know your thoughts though....STill hanging on to Rewrite #1.....

Beth

”A Series of Random Events” - Alternate Version (Not Re-Write)
© Lyrics2007 Beth Williams

We crumbled Sunday’s paper and we messed the sheets as well
Leaving me with two ink decorated knees
Will you ever let me leave? She teased, you’ve cast a spell
Now I’m your love-slave, trained to do just what you please.

I laughed, you are a good girl, and I’m lucky to have found you
At that party, touching hands by accident…
She coyly said don’t be so sure, when you came into view
Our meeting would become a planned event.

Chorus:
Caught off guard
I swallowed hard
Wondering what she meant
Hadn’t Fate handed her my card
Dealt after a Series of Random Events?

My sense of our history thus upset I slid under the covers
Mistaking my intentions, she came too
I greeted her with, “So I’m just like the others?
Not a surprise, just a trophy for you?”

Bridge:
She stifled a chuckle
Then said, what a knuckle-
Head, why should the road to here matter?
By luck or design
I’m yours and you’re mine
I’m sorry, my intent was to flatter.

Chorus:
I let down my guard
Squeezed her real hard
Could foresee how our day would be spent
Like pinballs launched, no paths would be barred
Lit by a Series of Random Events

Hey, Beth,
Remember always...It's your song first. All others are opinions, some from which you will gain insight and some from which you will get misdirection. If you're happy with the first re-write, then that's where it should stay. Be True to your song, and people will see the truth in it. Force it into something it's not, then the song seem forced (hence false).
In case you think this sounds as though I like the first re-write better, that's because I do. Just my opinion...I could be wrong....
or not :-)

Hey PJ (do you mind that?)

Thank you for telling me what deep down, I already knew....the song lost it's fun-element for me by trying to revamp it. I think I was fighting myself by doing so, and "subconsciously" pumped out a boring fix.

That isn't to say that I don't like to take chances or look for challenges where I might not otherwise. But as you point out, ultimately this game is all subjective. I figure if "Frasier" had about a decade of stellar ratings, maybe this song wouldn't do so badly either (in fact, doesn't Kelsey Grammar sing? Does anyone KNOW him??? ha ha ha)

So thanks for your two cents, and for those who encouraged me to try this, thank you too. It helped me realize I liked the first re-write just fine...

I am absolutely BUSTING with enthusiasm about all this writing....though I don't plan to abandon it any time soon, I am very much looking forward to school starting, when I'll have a big chunk of time free during the day (between errands and other housefrau duties!0

Until then, I'll keep plugging away, and I look forward to all commentary....

Until the kids bedtime,
Beth

Hey, Beth,
I prefer "Pete", but I like you so you can call me whatever your little heart desires. (hey...what a hook!)

I'm glad to hear that you are so enthusiastic about writing. You have a brilliant light...no need to hide it under a bushel basket. Occasionally some may find your light too bright, but all they need do is change their perspective. Others will see you as a beacon and hope they will find you when they look.

My biggest gripe is that you're in MA and I'm in CA, so I don't generally get to see your day's work until late. But I do look forward to it :-)

Write On!

Well now, Pete (easy enough to remember!)!

You certainly know how to make a weary old gal like myself feel good (though at 45, well, I'm not sure if I EXACTLY qualify for that disclaimer!). It has been so steamy here today, hubby's out with some pals for the first time in ages, and I had to do all the dinner/showers/bed stuff for the youngin's with my still healing arm and matching feet. I think I might whip up a song sometime based on a saying my father used to tell us as my kids suffered thru the various kids problems: Parenthood is a life sentence without parole. Sound like a hit for the soccer mom crowd?

Certainly, the time differences are a challenge in our virtual world. One of my dearest friends whom I actually met on a medical forum (and who came, with hubby in two to spent three days with us after never having met!) is from England, so I have those five hours to contend with the other way, a good friend in Rancho Santa Marguerita, and then there's our resident rebel-rouser, Steve (Sofa King) Bixby, who has been plopped in the middle of Irag, so he's 8 hours ahead.

I am a bit of a night owl, though, so I do find it works mostly when I want it to, for my writing cronies. And yes yes yes, I have always loved language (actually took and thoroughly enjoyed four years of Latin!), and anything to do with words, beyond writing. Puzzles, anagrams, cryptoquotes, Boggle, Scrabble, etc. My writing leanings have always been towards the humorous side (or so I'd like to think!), so while "if it ain't broke, don't fix it", I'm still hankering to write something really moody and poetic. Oh well, all in good time...

So anyhoo, thanks again for your kind words, PETE (I think I was stuck on PJ, since my husband goes by JJ, and when I saw that initial just sitting there, minding its own business, I couldn't help but put the two together!)

Later,
Beth

Ciao for now,
Beth

Hi Beth

I wanted to stop in here, though I fear that I am very late to the party. Now I have read most of the thread and comments in between several computer freezes that I almost gave up ! Whew ! you've been busy. I have to tell you though even though I like the second rewrite better than the latest I would prefer that you stick with the first write and iron out a couple of things instead....

I agree with Pete that a few of the word choices he mentions should be replaced And clarification would help, but I really like the flow of the first and think the final line is wicked good.

Like a pinball launched and lighting up a world of destinations
It’s really just a Series of Random Events


anyway my 2¢ worth just to mess with your head.... jm

Beth,

I went with the 1st rewrite on this.

On one level this hits me as a play song (as in Broadway type musical), but
it would have to be sung directly by the male and female, which it isn't, so
forget what I just said.

In V1 you might make the newspaper ink on the knees more viable if you allude to
moisture, ie. (just a quick thought)

Sunday’s crumpled paper and the sweat-soaked sheets as well
Left ink decorations all around my knees

Is this line meant to be a double entendre?

"Mistaking my intentions, she came too"

I like this kind of stuff, anyway, and this particular one is definitely my cup of tea.

Ciao,
Ben

Hey there Ben,

Seems like we're all on the same page here now....

I must say, I'm happy to see that someone has finally commented on the ink stains on his knees. I thought it was such a naughty little image! In my mind, messing up the sheets implied some moisture ;), but I'm open to seeing how that would read all together.

As for the double entendre, I bet you saw that one COMING a mile away, didn't ya? Actually, it was and it wasn't, as the OTHER meaning would have been a bit premature, given his now-cloudy-mood. Not that she wouldn't have given it a try, the little premeditated hussy!

So glad you liked it...it's much more my cup of tea too.

Nick actually got me to go put one of my prose pieces on the creative writing forum....have quite a few in the can, which maybe I'll toss out for feelers, but would like to get more serious about that end of the writing spectrum as well.

In the meantime, Ben, thanks for your usual pearls of wisdom...

Ciao for now,
Beth

OH Joice, Joice, Joice.

Woe is me!! You snuck your comment in there, I just now read it, and all I can say is you've successfully played with my head!! It kills me, because I really value your talent and opinion....

BUT, as much as I hear what you're saying, I'm going to have to put this bad boy on the back burner for a day or two....I'm fried fried fried on it.

I'll let you know if and when I start kicking it around again. And in the meantime, thanks....I actually had liked those lines you mentioned too. And "Wicked Good"? Are you from Maine too?? LOL.

Ciao for now, and thanks (I SUPPOSE ) for stopping in with your 2 cents worth!!

Beth

Simmer gently until flavors have blended. Serve promptly. Feeds a multitude.

Can't wait to see you'll be cooking up next.
Sweet and rich?
Cool and creamy?
Hearty with lots of meat?
Crisp and a little flaky?

Hey Pete,

You're a riot, and way-too-good for my ego. But I'm not complaining about either!

As for my next musical foray, I do have something I'm playing around with...I think I'll pre-qualify it as "sweet and sour"..but it is currently in the crock-pot, so we'll see when it's ready for the table.

In the meantime, if you feel like skipping over to the Creative Writing Forum, Nick has DRAGGED me over there (hi Nick!), and I have a couple of little essay-type pieces you might enjoy.

Ciao for now!
Beth
Beth

Hey Beth...

That was just too cool. The first two lines told me I was for something fun. The second line read a bit awkward for me, would silly putty knees be too unclear? For me, that has a definite double meaning. Picks up newspaper ink and leaves you weak in the knees. (???)

Love it...get some music and let us hear it

Hey, Beth!
Just got back from the Creative Writing Forum (you know...a funny thing happened on the way...)
You're just plain gifted :0)

Do let me know when the timer goes off on the crock pot.
I'm always hungry for more of whatever you're cookin' up.

Hey Mel,

Sorry for the delay in response....I crashed last night at 8:30, after too many late-night chit-chats and re-writes!

Regardless, thanks so much for your kind words....alas, I cannot part with my inky knees line, as that was my favorite image in the whole piece. It had been suggested I make the sheets a bit more sweaty to encourage the leakiness of the ink, but that seems a tad tawdry to me. Thanks for the suggestion though.

As for music, goodness knows, I'd have no idea where to even begin. Right now, I'm just playing around with this end of it...
If anyone feels like playing around with some music for it, feel free!

Later,
Beth

HI again, Pete,

Yup, I'm all over the place these days. Well, except for last night, when I was in bed early. Have a fun song I'm working on, but I haven't had a good chunk of time to work on it...was going to hang out at Sam's tennis lesson today and work on it, but it's raining, so so much for that. Instead, it'll be errands morning.

No rest for the weary.

Thanks for your on-going support! It makes me feel at least I can do SOMETHING right!!

Ciao for now,
Beth

Beth,


I too liked the first rewrite the mostest. I think my time in hell is making me imagine things that arent there. To clarify, since you didn't specify that this was to be sung by a male POV i envisioned that since you are female, that you were the POV of the singer. which of course perked my ears up like a lazy basset hound. (i am a dog, i don't need to explain that) but you clarified it for me... could have been the sorority tales, could be the fact that i haven't seen a woman in over six months, and my imagination took your song and ran with it... I apologise if i seemed like a "dirty old man" wasn't my intention at all.. have fun with it, and like peter said, it is YOUR song, our opinions are just that, a cross section of a writing community. You are the author, we just give opinions. (and for the most part validate your obvious skill)

cheers
steve :}

Hey Steve,

That's so funny...love the lazy bassett hound imagery (though thinking back to my Disney-restricted-bassett-hound recollections, might that be redundant?) Anyway, I can't fault you; looking back over the song from a woman's POV definitely puts a curvaceous twist on it!

As for your dirty old man concerns, I should think after the conversation a few of us got into on the shout box the other night, that would neither occur to nor bother me. Unless you were wearing golf shoes (wink wink!)...

OH yes, back to the MUSIC. Glad you liked that version too. Don't know what kind of tune would accompany it, but it's been fun working on anyway. And of course, I am not at all offended by the "obvious skill" reference. As I think I mentioned recently, it's so nice to feel like I'm good at doing something besides falling down.

Now off to go pick up child #2 (Charlie) at camp....it's pouring rain...which is nice since it's cooler, but sends the likelihood-of-reinjury soaring...

Thanks again!

Sooner or later,
Beth

HiDee Mz Beth!

I've been "Blessed" with Insomnia this eve, so I've owed ya a Crit long enough on this Baby..(& it's Various Progeny..) So..Herewegooo.. (I'll do the Revised Version One First, OK?)

First Off..the Hook strikes me as perhaps "Too Clinical"...at least for a Guy Singer. Guys LIKE to "Make Things Happen"..&..JMO, I guess, we're somewhat gunshy about "Random Events".(And..we're even More Gunshy about "Calculating Women"...)

My Initial Problemo..is we DON'T Know "How LONG these 2 rather Poetically-Interacting People have HAD this Relationship."

So...when she slides under the covers with him "mistaking his intention"..it registers as a Wee Bit Strange IF that "party" they met at was a RECENT Meeting.

The lingo used in the Chorus seemed (just me, I'm sure) WAY too-poetic. "Love bourne of calculation" does have a Shakespearean Touch..& the Following Line harked me back to Victorian Times..but, alas, didn't feel Modern-Day-"Conversational."

In spite of the Problemo, I did get a kick out of the Essence of Verse 2.

Your Bridge DOES get Conversational...and "Knucklehead" IS current Lingo..& Believable "Conversation Fodder." However.."My intent was to flatter" makes Her sound rather Schoolmarmy...JMO, of course. "I'd intended to flatter" is what I'd expect a Gal Up-to-A-Bachelor's-Degree to reply with, normally... ;-)>

The sorty "Summary Statement" last Chorus kinda sets the Guy Singer up AS that "Knucklehead". He too-easily accepts that The Random Factor OVERRULES What She's tossed at him earlier..& accepts that Randomness is, after all, the Ruling Parameter.

AS a Guy, I'd kinda wanna KNOW what she already DID to set things up..(NOT that I'd hold it against her..but just to get some HONESTY all across-the-board.) (I've actually had this occur in a Relationship once..& I DID appreciate Her Honesty/WAS flattered how she'd arranged My Meeting Her. The relationship got scuttled by her being in too-big-a-hurry to get married...& I wasn't quite ready yet..2 yrs of College to go.) But..heh..I DID appreciate her Honesty.

And..I appreciate the effort you've put into this Baby here.
It's got some Fun Dialogue going on..The Gal sounds like a Keeper..dunno if The Guy Singer comes across as Too Bright a Bulb tho.

Off to the Latest Version, as-Promised!

Big Hugs,
Stan

HiDee Again, Mz Beth!

OK..I agree that some of the Vigor has slipped away from Version Two (Or Three, dependin' how ya count it.)

So..here's a Sug:...(A Hook, Actually:)
"Love's Like a Pinball Game"

Ya Pull Yourself Back
Then..Ya Let Yourself Go..
Headin' for a Fate..(that)..God Only Knows..
Rushing Headlong..Where Ya Hear Her/His Name:
(Love's Like A Pinball Game!)

All Random Events
Some Real Fun Riccochets..
An Occasional "Flip"..when..Things Go Astray
Soon, Daily-Routine..is No-Longer-Tame:
(Love's Like a Pinball Game!)

And I'll leave ya hangin', Hopefully "Inspired"..for Your Next Version...

Good Luck with The Songs..the Arm..the Foot..the Bubblewrap..the New Week Ahead!

Big Hugs along the way!
Ol' Stan

Hey, Beth!
I gotta admit. I figured it was a female pov too. Makes me wonder whether it's something in the lyric or just my own preconceptions that a female would write from that perspective. How shallow of me...I hope you can forgive.

I'm a little surprised that you don't have a melody in mind. Do you generally conceptualize a tune, or do you have more lyrics like these just waiting to get married?

Can't wait to see your next song. I like fun :-)

Hey Stan!

Lucky you (get to check this off your list) and lucky me (get to check this off your list).

First off, I probably should have been a bit more blatant in my tongue-in-cheekiness. I sorta WANT to convey that the guy was a bit of a dim bulb....the FRASIER comparison made earlier in the post really hit the nail on the head for me == did you ever see the show? He actually DOES talk like that. Fancies himself an intellectual, but a ROMANTIC (hence the idea of their meeting just being the result of FATE), then finds that she has been the calculating one...throws him off. So either this doesn't work for the male listener, or the need for explanation prevents him from being able to enjoy/understand it.

I was surprised by one of your comments...about the questioned timetable between meeting and her sneaking under the covers for god knows what....YOU, the King of Naughtiness :o ;), not appreciating that it could have been the very same night? LOL But I think his reference to LOVE BORNE OF CALCULATION suggests that they've been together long enough for love to have blossomed.

As for his lady friend, I do agree that some of her language needs to be a bit less stilted. And having had some time away from this piece -- and a week of dangerous beach time ahead of me -- I may want to revisit it.

Thanks for finally :/ taking a gander.

ON to see what you say in your next post here....

xoxox,
Bubble Wrap Girl

How easily it comes to you Stan....!

NO can do with that great song you've started...that belongs to you now, if you feel like playing with it. I believe I had intended mine to be a bit more playful, but ended with what you FINALLY (winkety wink) stumbled upon.

Alas, live and learn, and thank you for the constant stimulation of my creative brain cells and my funny bone.

I hope to be careful at the beach...If anything goes awry, I am prepared to compose the lyrics to go with my already prepared title "Welcome to my Pity Party".

Ciao for now, &&&&&&&&& thanks again!

xoxox,
Beth