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Haven't been here in ages, this new section is pretty cool...

Just a short one, I'll be back tomorrow to give some comments on others work. Promise

Slightly altered version in post 3


Death of Heaven
© 2007 Mel


The evening sky melted like candle-wax
Dripping down forever’s black canvas
Setting suns bled orange hues into the earth
And we watched with awe

We were tired, but content
This last day spent holding hands
And exchanging breath
Knowing tomorrow would never come

Turning away from the death of heaven
Walking towards the steel of the city
We made a promise
Whatever happens in the final minute
We would not let go……

I awoke to an empty promise…
You let go


Alone in my morning, I closed my eyes
And searched for you
Through visions of sadness and relief
Of beauty in decay
For a moment, I thought I caught a glimpse of you
Struggling to separate the last dying orb from its legacy…

But I knew
It was not you I saw,
But the memory of you
And the sun
And the death of heaven
And us all

Good job in bringing out the emotion of the piece. This is sad, yet beautiful at the same time.

Loved these lines:

Whatever happens in the final minute
We would not let go

I awoke to an empty promise
You let go

Suggestion:

For a moment, I thought I caught a glimpse
Of you, struggling to separate the dying orb from its legacy

Consider moving up the beginning of that second line for better flow:

For a moment, I thought I caught a glimpse of you
Struggling to separate the dying orb from its legacy

Also, I don't think you need to put Pt. 1 & 2 in here. The pauses are there and the poem separates itself and flows well while reading, so consider removing the labels. They're not really needed.

Enjoyed the read.

~Christine

This is mellifluous. I'm a sucker for alliteration and internal rhymes. In song, the music constricts the lyric and the lyric constricts the music. In instrumental work there's more freedom as there is in poetry.

Good stuff.

Mike

Hey Mike,

Mellifluous...had to look that one up. Yes, the freedom in poetry makes it more enjoyable to me...one can let go and not worry about all the rules. Thanks for the reply and the new word of the day

Hi Christine,

I agree with your suggestions, and made the changes. I think the only reason I had pt.1 and pt.2 was because I wrote the first part in 2005, and added the second this year. And, silly me...I made some minor changes to the first part when I added the second part but posted the original 1st part. Here's the newest version of it all.

Glad you both enjoyed it


Death of Heaven
© 2007 Mel

The evening sky melted like candle-wax
Exposing the void of pre-creation
Setting suns bled orange and red into the earth
And we watched with newborn awe

We were aching, yet content
This last day spent holding hands
And exchanging breath
Knowing tomorrow would never come

Turning away from the death of heaven
Walking towards the steel of the city
We made a promise
Whatever happens in the final embrace
We would not let go……

I awoke to an empty promise…
You let go


Alone in my morning, I closed my eyes
And searched for you
Through visions of sadness and relief
Of beauty in decay
For a moment, I thought I caught a glimpse of you
Struggling to separate the last dying orb from its legacy…

But I knew
It was not you I saw,
But the memory of you
And the last sun
And the death of heaven
And of us all

Lovely, rich imagery...even if I don't know what the "death of heaven" signifies. I wanna say the break-up of 2 lovers, but there seem to be too many things pointing away from that. However, I am lousy as an interpreter of poetry!

Even with the freedom of poetry, I think you need to keep the tenses straight. ie:

We made a promise
Whatever happenED in the final embrace
We would not let go……

Or, of course, there are several ways to get them aligned, but maybe there's a method to your ???????

What the heck does this mean?

"Struggling to separate the last dying orb from its legacy…"

Adventurous read.
Ben

Hi Ben,

To answer your questions...

I wrote "whatever happens" because it hasn't happened yet. They are watching the "death of heaven", the world, their world, falling apart.


As for "Struggling to separate the last dying orb from its legacy…"

In the first stanza, the setting suns bled into the earth.
The "you" was trying to prevent the last sun from setting...trying to prevent the end from happening. I don't know if legacy might be the wrong word to use here, but this is how it came to me.

Hope this little bit helped some, and made sense. Sometimes I can't explain myself well.

Thanks for the read and reply...appreciate it