JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 I Almost Said I Love You Tonight - Rewrite - Link To Music (MP3)

Here's the link to the music. It is the 6th song down tghe page.

http://www.soundclick.com/pro/view/01/default.cfm?bandID=276329&content=music

Here's the first new lyric I've posted in quite a while. I've been working real hard on some unusual instrumentals. If ya want to hear one those instrumentals, it's over on the MP3 Board. It's called "Piano Purgatory". It's probably quite a bit different than anything you've heard before.

But, here is my newest lyric. Just finished it about an hour ago. I'll be putting up a vocal/acoustic guitar version of on the MP3 Board this evening or tomorrow. It's a moderately upbeat, country pop kinda thing. Thanks in advance for any comments. As always, all crits are appreciated.

Rewrite Follows Immediately Below The Original

Do you think the rewrite is any better?


I Almost Said I Love You Tonight

© February 2007, Alan D. David, BMI
All Rights Reserved


(v1)
It’s getting close to midnight
As I make my way back home
Thinking ‘bout the time we share
Holding hands and on the phone

(v2)
Hidden by the darkness
A smile comes to my face
My heart’s been talking to me
Ever since I left your place

(Chorus)
I still taste your kisses
Where they danced across my lips
My mind’s eye still remembers
The swaying of your hips
It was in the air
My soul was bare
Everything was right
I almost said I love you tonight

(v3)
I have to know for certain
And I think I’m almost there
But ‘fore the words can find my lips
They disappear into the air

(v4)
I keep saying next time
I’ll put aside those doubts
But when I try to say ‘em
The words just won’t come out

Repeat Chorus
-------------------------------------------------------------------

[b]Rewrite[/b]


I Almost Said I Love You Tonight

© February 2007, Alan D. David, BMI
All Rights Reserved


(v1)
It’s getting close to midnight
As I make my way back home
Thinking ‘bout the time we share
Holding hands and on the phone

(v2)
Hidden by the darkness
A smile comes to my face
My heart’s been talking to me
Ever since I left your place

(Chorus)
I still taste your kisses
Where they danced across my lips
My heart always reminds me
No reward without the risk
Tension in the air
My soul was bare
Everything was right
I almost said I love you tonight

(v3)
I have to know for certain
And I think I’m almost there
But ‘fore the words can find my lips
They disappear into the air

(v4)
I keep saying next time
I’ll put aside those doubts
But when I try to say ‘em
The words just won’t come out

Repeat Chorus

Hi, Alan!
I like the hook and concept of the song.

You may want to revisit the following lines:



What was in the air?





Are the words disappearing or the lips?



I know you mean the words, " I love you" but it sounds like it may be the doubts you are trying to express.

Good luck to you.

Good suggestions, Jean. Alan, got a good one in the making. I would want to use something besides a line about hips but at the moment I don't have any good ideas for you. Maybe I can come up with something later.

Hi Alan,

Like it all, but I stumbled a bit here...

My mind’s eye

Good job overall.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Jean expressed the tweaks wonderfully.

Hi Alan,

You've been a busy man, that's good. I like this. Jean's right about the "air" line since it's questionable what you mean there and it kind of hangs out there. A possible change to your chorus could be instead of:

(Chorus)
I still taste your kisses
Where they danced across my lips
My mind’s eye still remembers
The swaying of your hips
It was in the air
My soul was bare
Everything was right
I almost said I love you tonight

To possibly something like this:

I still taste your kisses,
Where they danced across my lips
My mind's eye (My heart) still remembers
It keeps a detailed list.
Everything was oh so (very) right, I almost said I love you... tonite

This would clear up the "air" issue and get rid of the "hip" line only if you want to mind you. Just a suggestion to help out if you can use it.

Best,
Lynn

Hi Jean...

Thanks for stopping in and offering your comments. I appreciate it! Let's look at them in order:

"What was in the air?" You might be right with this observation. But, I had made the assumption (and yep...I know all about the assume thing!) that the listener/reader would easily make the connection that "it" meant romance. But, I could be wrong about that. Let me see how others think. I'll definitely keep and open mind to that. From the complete extrapolation you refernced, I was actually more concerned about the "mind's eye and "swaying of your hips" than the "air". Still am!


"Are the words disappearing, or the lips?" This one, I am probably going to keep it as is. I think most folks will realize that the words are disappearing...not the lips! But, if others have the same concern that you do here, I'll certainly revisit it.


"Doubts/words won't come out..." You might be right. I never even considered that the reader/listener would associate the doubts, rather than the words, with this line. Now ya got me wondering! If I can find a better, ,more definitive way to say that, I'll do it!

I am glad you like the hook. I overheard someone say something yesterday that made me think of this hook. Some guy was talking to another guy at a sandwich deli. I heard him tell his friend, I guess it was a friend, that he almost told someone that he loved her. And now, apparently quite a bit later, he regrets not having said it. That is the genesis of this one. Isn't it amazing...the hooks that abound all around us!

Thanks for your insight and taking the time to offer your suggestions. I do try to keep an open mind. So, I'll see what others think. Other than the first two verses, I am npt married to any of this. Thanks for trying to make it a better song!

Alan

Tricia...

Hi, and thanks for looking in. And yeah, like I told Jean, that "hips" line leaves a lot to be desired! I'll see what I can do about that. Appreciate the visit and for agreeing with me that that line kinda sucks!

Will get back to everybody else as soon as I can. I have to get dinner started!

Alan

Hi Sideman,

I do like the hook of the song, kinda universal....
I'm not keen on "minds eye"... I shifted a few things around...
just my thoughts...keep em or sweep em....

v2)
Hidden by the darkness
a smile comes across my face
and my heart’s talking to me
Ever since I left your place

(Chorus)
I still taste your kisses
Where they rest on my lips
My hearts still movin' with
The swaying of your hips
was it in the air?
or was my soul bare?
cuz I felt this was right
I almost said I love you tonight

Calvin,

Thanks for looking. Glad ya like it. And yeah, the mind's eye thing is less than stellar. i thought about that line for quite a while...couldn;t find anything better. But, I am sure that some JPFer will have the perfect solution to that problem. You guys, and galsm are very good at that!. Thanks for the look.

Alan

Shayne,

Always appreciate it when you drop in for a visit. take a look at my reply to Jean. If you have additional suggestions, let me know! Thanks again.

Alan

Lynn,

Good evening. Hope all is well with you. And yeah, I've been pretty busy lately...and not all of it music. But, music has gotten quite a bit more of my attention lately. However, most of the attention has been on a totally nerw genre of music that I am working on. If you go over to the MP3 Board and listen to "Piano Purgatory", you'll see what I mean! That was a LOT of work! Thanks for looking at this one.



I like most of what you suggested. if ya don't mind, I'll probably use most of it, although very slightly modified. I do appreciate the help! Thanks! have great evening!

Alan

Kathy...

Hi! First time I've seen your picture. What a treat for us guys!

Like I mentioned to Calvin, the "mind's eye" thing really doesn't cut it. I could think of nothing better, so I left it until I, or some talented JPFer, came up with something better.

I like what you suggested. but, I'll need to modify it a bit. The last 4 lines of the chorus need to retain the same number of syllables because of the chord structure there.

Thank you for the help. And, I am delighted that you like the hook. Thanks for letting me know!

Alan

Alan,
I do like this all except for what everyone is saying about the mind's eye. That is the only nit that I have.

Melissa

Hi Alan,
I like this, poor guy feels for her, but is 'afraid he'll scare her away' by sounding possessive too soon.
On the air thing it is 'tension' as in sexual tension.

Melissa...

Thank you so much for takingh a look. I hope to have a simple vocal/acoustic guitar up on the MP3 board before the evening is over.

And yep, you and the others aright about that whole couplet. I think jean was the first to notice it (Thank you, Jean!). That's a project for early afternoon...write a couple of lines that make sense! Thanks again. I appreciate the kind words.

Alan

Dennis..

Thanks for looking in on this one. I just posted a rewrite, using your suggestion of "tension". My only concern with that particular word is...I'm sure someone is going to say something similar to : "Do you mean tnesion, as in anger?" Of course, we are talking about the aura of intimate emotions. Thanks for the suggestion. Hope it reads a little better now.

Alan

You could say excitement in the air, rather than tension.

Alan, I don't think you have to worry about the word tension....part of the problem with just looking at the lyrics is the music also conveys the feeling...so when its sung there will be no doubt what is being said.

I am only lyricist so I get this problem ALOT!

Jean...


Hi again! And thanks for the conback. I'm going to see what everyone else thinks about "tension". If it get's a thumbs down, "excitement' is next in line! In a couple of hours, I'm going to put up a simple voice/acoustic guitar cut. I think hearing the music will help with how the words all play together. I truly appreciate your interest in trying to improve this lyric! Thanks.

Alan

Kathy...

And, hi again to you, as well! I also appreciate you chiming in again. I just told jean that I was going to post a voice/acoustic guitar cut of this in a couple of hours. We'll see if the music helps to put the words in the perspective that I had in mind. For now, I am keeping "tension." Let's see how it sounds when you hear it with the music. Thanks you so much for your input!

I've been very, very busy with a different project over on the MP3 board. I am putting together an 8-song collection of classical piano music put to the beat of various popular genres of music. It's quite exciting, but very time demanding! I have 2 posted so far. I figure it will take me several months to finish the project. So, I have been rather negligent of my lyrics. Will try to work some of the lyrics in as i go along. Thanks for your help!

Alan
Alan

Hi Alan

I glanced through the comments and then just listened a couple of times and my first impression is that I would rather see a one syllable word in there (tension). Maybe after you sing it and smooth it out it will fit better, but consider...

I still taste your kisses
Where they danced across my lips
My heart always reminds me
No reward without the risk
With still, dead air
My soul was bare
Everything was right
I almost said I love you tonight

or

Where they danced across my lips
My heart always reminds me
No reward without the risk
Everything was right
In still, dead air
My soul lay(hope its the right form?) bare
I almost said I love you tonight

Just my spin...take or leave. jm

HiDee SideGuy!

I Like this Re-Write, yet..JMO..it's kinda like a 3-Minute-Movie where the Star ALMOST Gets The Girl.

I'd recommend a Last Verse where he Calls Her Up and SAYS He Loves Her. Simple as that. (OR..have him In-Process.)

Applause-Applause!

Good Luck with it, Amigo!
Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

jm,

HI! And thanks for taking alook and offering your thoughts. I am still undecided on that particular verse. I have written it and rewritten it ciuntless timesd with numerous variations in that line...and I'm still not sure! Isn't it amazing how one little word can created so much consternation and indecision!!!??? I'm gonna keep playing with it until either something even better pops into my head, or decide which of the suggestions here I want to go with. Thanks for your kind reply.

Alan

Stan,

Good mornin' to ya. But then, every morning is a GOOD morning at your house! I don't mind at all, having my lyric analogized to a movie! Glad ya like it except for the final outcome (or lack thereof!!). I've been thinking about your suggestions.

I'm not sure I want to give it a definite conclusion regarding if he tells her or not. After all, the entrie song is based upon his inability to say it. I think giving a definite answe would invalidate thew rest of it. Don't know, though...I could be wrong, ya know!

So, if I do add a little something at the end, it will probably be something to the effect of him calling her when he gets home and having the song end when she says "Hello". What do ta think?

Thanks for looking and offering!

Alan

Hi Alan -
I was only able to give a quick listen ... Maybe its me ... but singing along with verse 1 was "Down on the Corner" CCR ... I will go back for another listen .. and just as important a look at the lyrics..
sorry I gotta run... just wanted to share that initial thought
Joanne