JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Mist Along the River

Hi everybody. I'm just kinda' helping out over the annual holiday slowdown, but I guess I should post something. Yep,I did a no no or two. I've got both a C and a refrain.
Can you follow the story all right,and what else ails it?
Wy
(Nope, it's not positive, upbeat, etc. )

Mist Along The River c Wyman Griffith

V 1
Their folks said, you're much too young to know
We think you need more time to grow
You can't go out tonight, it just isn't right
But they're hidden in the mist along the river

V
The mist along the river
Holds stories never told
Of stolen days and fights and passion filled nights
It's held them through the years
And still they unfold
Here they're safe from prying eyes

V 2
A few more miles down it's winding path
Other lovers together at last
Each tied to someone else, but in love you can tell
Now they're meeting in the mist along the river

C
The mist along the river
Holds stories never told
Of stolen days and fights and passion filled nights
It's held them through the years
And still they unfold
Here they're safe from prying eyes

V 3
And a bit beyond the river's bend
She says, we can just be friends
But he won't have it so, she's lying still and cold
Still and cold in the mist along the river

B
The river murmurs to itself, but keeps it's secrets well
How the nation fought along it's course, men killed their brother
The colors blue and gray but all the blood was red
When men were dying, crying for their mothers

C
The mist along the river
Holds stories never told
Of stolen days and fights and passion filled nights
It's held them through the years
And still they unfold
Here they're safe from prying eyes

Hy, Wy.

I like the hook: Hidden in the mist along the river. Really cool.

I would keep the war thing out. Rearrange the chorus a little. It needs to be more ominous. Keep the story about the girl, her parents warning, introduce the idea that they know about the girls lover and that perhaps evil lurks in the mist along the river.
The girl goes anyway (of course) meets her lover (a married man) does the fling thing. Later regrets and tries to break it off with the last verse stating what happened as in v3.

Chorus, then have a bridge start with "The river murmurs to itself, but keeps its secrets well, then you could a bit about how many souls are hidden in the mist (or something like that.)

Then end with the chorus again which could be a changed one with a warning to others about the mist of the river.

Good luck with this and Happy New Year!

Hi Jean
You paint a good scenario Jean
the first time I read it I didn't
think it'd keep the river as the main "character",
but I guess it could still be the main character
or more properly maybe the mist is the main "character"
Thanks. I'll think on that and see what other ideas I get
Wy--Happy New Year back

Wyman,

You're really on a creative trend...been reading your lovely lyrics of the last few days WOW!

I'm with Jean B on the changes....it's prettty close to what I would have said.

Nice work!

Emily

Wy,
I read this earlier, but seeing Jean's post, I didn't comment, as she covered all I had and more. Even with the mist as the subject, I thought the blue/gray came sorta out of nowhere. One focus would enhance commerciality, I'd think.
Enjoyed the read!
Ben

Hi Emily,
Hmm "two" knowledgeable people saying about the same thing. I'll have to seriously consider that.
Yeah, I can get a bit "far out". "Too" far sometimes for "commercial". Well, it comes and goes.
That would really make the mist the main character, which is really more on the different side than the river anyway.
Thanks for looking it over
Wy
(You must have had to go back a ways to find many of my lyrics. I haven't posted much for a while. Thanks on the good word.)

Hey Ben,
Hmmmm, a consensus so far. Looks like I may be doomed to a re write <G>.
Yep, you probably have a point on the blue-gray diluting the focus.
I guess the mist could be the main focus of a re write. I doubt that there have been all that many songs written with mist as the focus.
Thanks for looking it over
Wy

Wyman,
love the hook, and the chorus, I wrote one years back called Misty Morn, still one of my favs...just a couple nits if I may...
the verses don't come off as strong as the chorus to me, they don't seem threaded well enough to keep my interest,he's too young to go, but goes and meets her anyway,or is it other lover's, then she lies there still and cold, did he rape her? but again I say, the chorus is great, the bridge throws in Civil War history which is probably appropriate for the river but to me unrelated to the characters you have us involved with in your verses, I dunno Wy, I'd scrap the civil war stuff and weave the young lover's thing together tighter on the rewrite...last line of the chorus I might slip in, hidden in the mist from prying eyes, just to drive that hook home,I don't read the other plain folks reply's first so sorry if I've been redundant on anything , I only mean to help...all the best to ya...Happy New Year...Moker

Hey Moker,
Well, for not reading the others, you were pretty close to the rest. I was trying to write a song with the river as the focus, rather than "another" love song. It's getting tougher all the time to write a "different" love song. However, I think that can still be done with maybe the mist as more the focus and the love story to try to bear it out. Possibly with the same people through several years. Then maybe a bridge with the general idea that this is only one of many stories the river knows or secrets it holds.
Might strain my limited brain capacity but that keeps the little wheels shiny.
Thanks, You gave me some new ideas. that's the name of the game
Wy
And Happy New Year to you

Hi Wy,

I agree with what has already been said. Cool, compelling hook too!

I had one thought on the chorus...the mist along the river CARRIES stories never told (instead of "holds"). It just seems like mist is always moving, so it would carry them around.

You mentioned that you're heading for a rewrite. Looking forward to seeing it!

Hope your new year is a good one!

Lisa

Hey Lisa,
Thanks on the hook
Yeah, I get plenty of good hooks. It's writing a good song from the good hook is where I have trouble <G>
That's an idea on the mist. It'd prob'ly be another song, but you could also have the river carrying stories down it's length.
As far as the re write, I'm not sure if I can write the song with the plot of telling about a certain couple, without losing the focus on the river and the mist. I didn't wanta' write another love or love gone wrong song. I wanted the mist and the river to be the focus. If you or anyone has ab idea on how to do that, I'd be receptive. Happy New Year to you too. Many changes ahead in the new year for me.
Wy

I really like what you're doing with this one, Wy. Here's a suggestion. Feel free to keep or sweep, of course:

HER folks said, you're much too young to know
We think you need more time to grow
You can't go out tonight, it just isn't right
SHOUTING MUFFLED in the mist along the river

I'm not sure how to articulate it in a verse but I want the girl to be pregnant and sneaking around to see her boyfriend. When I think of the mist analogy, I think of secrets being kept and not just the injustices. I want clearer conflict that is universal if that makes sense.

Hi Wyman, I'm guessing I'm reading a murder here ?
(cold and still)

The bridge is nice.
"The colors blue and gray but all the blood was red
When men were dying, crying for their mothers"
...pretty strong climax to this lyric. Hit's hard imo.

The first verse is where I was going to pick at, but after a second read, I dunno. I'll take another look tomorrow.

I'm gonna be the oddball here and say I wouldn't change much on this one. That bridge makes it work for me.

hago,
Tony

edit: I just saw your reply about the lyric being about the river itself, so yea, I'm reading it right.

Excellent critiques from the others. Nothing to add.

Wy,

Like it all with the exception of the war reference. I understand that it is appropriate, per se, to the theme of the story. But, it just redirected my thoughts away from everything else. Other than that, can't see much I's change. Tighten er up and give er a good pitch! Best of everything in 2007, Wy!

Alan

Wy,
to stay on the one couple just drag it out OR bring up another couple. The mist holds SO many stories. This is fresh and imaginative. I look forward to seeing a rewrite. Make every line bring us back to the title.
John

Hi Wy,

Happy New Year to ya !
Very nicely put together.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hey Tricia,
Your thoughts below make a lot of sense to me. Maybe I should have the mist holding, hiding, keeping, the secrets. Make the mist the main character instead of the river? Mist is by it's nature, rather mysterious anyway. "The mist holds many secrets"
flows nicely besides.
I knew this wouldn't be the easiest song to write, but I wanted to write something "different" , instead of same ol', same ol'.
Thanks Tricia. You've got me thinking already this morning and it's still early <G>
I haven't been on much for a while. I guess you're still nursing the suffering back to health?
Wy
(Only one reply per cuppa' coffee)
Well, I'm a "hunt n' peck typist

I'm not sure how to articulate it in a verse but I want the girl to be pregnant and sneaking around to see her boyfriend. When I think of the mist analogy, I think of secrets being kept and not just the injustices. I want clearer conflict that is universal if that makes sense

Hi Wy,

Just a thought to throw into the pot...:)....how about tying everything together through the characters being somehow related in some way to each other? Maybe one generation and then the next generation, hiding secrets in the mist. Or, a father and son each hiding secrets. Cousins. Friends. Just some kind of connection.

I hope those changes in the new year are good ones!

Lisa

Hi Tony, Good to see you.
Right on cold and still. Cold and still, to me means she was killed, but I suppose could be read other ways.
I think a lot didn't see the river as the main character so I guess I'll have to make that clearer someway. I don't know that the song will be that "commercial" but I just write what the muse brings. Never argue with the muse.
Dang, lots of comments overnight. Everybody must stay up late. Cpourse there's the time difference too, 'specially since JPF is getting to be world wide.
Always glad to see what you think on a song, Thanks
Wy

Hi Shayne,
Thanks for coming by. Yeah, got lots of views. I think I'm beginning to pick up the thread for some changes. Maybe it'll even turn out more commercial than I envisioned it.
Shoulda' made more coffee
Wy

Hey Wy,
why not a Hatfield and McCoy or Montague and Capulet(Romeo and Juliet) scenario? Soap operas are full of these types of secretive plots (for ideas I mean).
John

Hey Alan,
Most seem to not like the war thing.I may have to lose that.
Don't know if the song will be "mainstream" enough to be pitchable or not.Maybe after a bit of re write. I see it as at least "stretching". It's gotten lots of "views". I like that feature. I take that as an indication that the title--hook is intruiging at least and that's about the first requisite
Thanks for the lookover and a great New year to you too
wy

Hi John,
Yeah, "two" couples seems promising. I think you may have something there. Like there's two couples who meet in the mist and the man in meeting one is tied to the gal in meeting 2 and the guy in meeting two is tied to the gal in meeting one. In other words, they're meeting each other's spouses or whatever.
Whew, think that'd be too complicated to follow?
I guess a person could spring the "denouement" in a bridge and still lead back into the C.
An idea worth thinking about anyway.
Thanks.
Wy

Wy, I think you've got the bones in place. I love having the mist as the main focus. Now, the decision will be to make each verse connect to one main character or several incidences. I had questions about that aspect of it, too. I think Tony connected the entire song with one main theme while I was thinking that they were separate incidences happening in the verses. I'm thinking that if this were mine, I'd have a hard time deciding which way to go with it. I love the hook and I love the river/mist analogy of life. At any rate, it's a GREAT idea that just needs tweaking. Hugs and have a safe and Happy New Year.

I'm planning on eating plenty of cabbage and peas tomorrow. I'm going to start 2007 off right. 2006 just plain sucked. Also, I'm making myself think about obtainable resolutions and goals.

Wy - i like the progression down the river and the mist and all the things happening there - meet your lover - wack you lover - I think I'll sneak down to the Hooch and see what's happening. Seems like fragile should be crystal or China but no one else seemed to think that - so it looks good to me.

Hi Calvin,
I may make two songs out of this. One would be a drastic rewrite with the mist as the main focus, (Already roughed it out). and the other, just tweaking this version. and rename it ________
River or River of Mem'ries or something and focus on the river. I got lots of good ideas. Maybe too many to use in one song.
Thenks for the good words
Wy

Hi Lisa,
John's idea about maybe bring in another couple is similar to what you're saying. I've got a real rough song scribbled down that two couples meet there and they know each other onthe "outside" but each is tied to one of the opposite couple , if you follow me. If I can tell all that without confusing everybody.
Youall sre just full of ideas today.
On the impending changes for me, more something I 'bout "have" to do instead of something I"want" to do, such is life <G>
Thanks for the ideas
Wy

Hi again John,
Yep the Romeo and Juliet, etc. looks interesting. It looks like more than one song could be written here. I've already got two in mind with different titles of course ,but resembling each other.
Thanks for the return visit. I'm accumulating a wealth of ideas. Now to just write a couple good songs <G>
Wy

Hi again Tricia,
Yep, There's a good song there all right if I can find it.
On the "having a hard time deciding which way to go" , I've 'bout decided to go two ways and write two different songs. I think there's plenty of ideas and material there. One would probably center arounf the mist and the other around the river itself and it's journey to the sea.
" Cabbage and peas"?, I may have to Google that. Google knows all that stuff. I think I have heard of it but with my mind's limited capacity , sometimes it has to push things out to make some more room <G>
2006 sucked? Well, that undoubtably means that 2007 will be better. I'm goig to have a move coming up in 07. "Hate" moving.
Thanks Tricia
Wy

Wy,
I really like the idea of "Secrets in the Mist" you know going down to the forbidden and spooky river bank to see what secrets are hidden in the mist. A ghost story wrapped up in Arkansas intrique. I'm sorry I'm just blabbering now. Its the end of the year and my alcohol level is way low I'd better get going and top it off. This is a really cool notion you got going.
John

Hey py,
Yeah, I've actually got two songs in the works now one with the river and the progression down the river and the other on the mist.
Fragile?
Thanks for the good words. There's a good song in there all right. Just needs brought out.
Wy

Hi again John,
Yep, secrets in the mist is good. Might make a good title , if not for this song , then another.
St.Peters, is that over by St Louis? I lived in central Mo. , not far from Sedalia a long time. Still got a couple boys there
Thanks for the comeback.
I do believe I is caught up as KK would say.Didn't expect that many comments, 'specially on a weekend.
Wy

Wy,

Wy? Because we love! You older folks you used to watch the Mickey Mouse Club on TV will underastand that.

Ya know Wy, I just reread all the replies to your lyrics. Man, you have a bunch of great suggestions! As I was sitting here wondering if there was anything else I could offer that might be helpful (there isn't...those other folks are WAY better than me), it crossed my mind that you have plenty of ideas here to write an entire themed album/CD. In fact, there is enough fodder here for me to write an entire book. Ya know, don'tcha, that I have already written one book based upon a song written by the lovely and talented TINK?

If there are enough suggestions for me to write a book, and there really are, then a complete, themed album/CD is a possibility. Just a thought. Don't know if you want to dedicate that much energy to one project, though.

Also, would ya mind if I started to outline a book based on this lyric? If anything were to come of it, we can talk about it in more detail. This has become a very intriguing story with lots of possibilities.

Will talk atcha later. Best of everything this year, Wy. And who knows, maybe even the Cubbies will make a respectable showing in 2007. Stranger things have happened...no, wait, these are the Cubs that we're talking about! what was I thinking???!!!

Alan

Would have gotten here sooner... B.... But was gone all weekend...till about 1:30... a.m. ....

Love your Hook Title...and you have a well crafted Chorus..imo. My main objection..in reading this...is that Bridge.... I believe it goes a different direction...but..too far. I'm up in the air...on the 3 scenerios in the verses?....
are there 3?..

I'm not sure...if anyone's suggested it...or not.... but another direction...is to take that verse 3... and lead up to it....
with a couple verses... I don't know,then, if it would be ..
a verse or a bridge.......

Hugs....
And best to ya..,,in all this new year's challenges...
KK

Hey Alan,
I thought I was getting enough ideas without being on the board, but you all have plumb overwhelmed me. 'Bout more than my limited mind can encompass. You are right about there being enough material and fodder here for a whole album. Not sure I'm capable of that myself though. I know an Irish girl, (well, used to know her anyway <G>) Hard to get a response from her anymore. (Who can tell about women, let alone Irish ones) and she has another strike against her too, but I won't bring that up. In spite of that though, she'd be ideal. She already wrote a whole album in a different genre.
Heck, have right at the book. If it gets off the ground, we can talk about it, I couldn't write a book. My attention span isn't that long. Yeah, I recall the one brought on by the lovely and talented Miss T.
Got any for sale?
Between the river and the mist, if a person could bring both into it, there'd be a wealth of material, even possibly going back into history on all the things the river and the mist have witnessed?
Whatteya' mean respectable showing? We're thinking pennant---World Series. After all the Cubbies won everything a ,uh, few years ago,
Well, so it's been several, OK it was 1908. Just means they're due <G<
I see KK has surfaced from the weekend, but I done wore my typing finger out on this E.
More coffee
Wy

Hey KK,
The bridge has been shot down, (several times) , so it's gone.
The focus was supposed to be on the river and/or the mist. The verses are just happenings along it's course, but that didn't come across too well. A re write is in order. Actually if/when I get it done, there'll be two songs. One focusing on the mist and one on the river. then Alan just suggested that there was plenty of material--leads , for a whole CD, Whattaya' (or anyone) think if that idea? You can E me either. Wish I could draft that Irish person to help me on a whole CD, but fat chance of that. Nevertheless I will toss the idea to her.
Yeah on New Year., s'pose I'll have to do it but not looking forward to it
Thanks for the suggestions. I'll print them all off before long so I casn keep all the ideas accessible
Wy

Hi Wyman,
I'm gonna agree with every one on the war thing. It might be more appropriate to use the bridge to express the murderer's rage or the influence of "the mist" on that rage. You better hurry up and finish this before you get a movie deal.
Great stuff,
Rick

Hey Rick,
I fugured this had slid to page 2.
Don't know if I'm up to doing a whole CD on the subject, but there's no end to the stories that could be told. Keeping them varied would be more of a problem.
The influence of the mist on his rage ot more broadly, the influence of the mist on anyone who enters it, seems to hold lots of possibilities. I even sketched the start of a train song and what happens when it enters the mist,but there are more possibilities than that. You could probably do a whole CD just on that subject alone, like what has happened down through the years when people enter the mist and have the mist travel up and down the river, which , in a way , they do. You've got me thinkin' and on one cuppa' coffee. That's an achievement right there <G>
Thanks for looking it over
Wy

Wy,
Think I'd change the introduction. I started to read this once , and with this is definately not upbeat in mind , decided not to finish it. Came back to see what all the commotion was about and glad I did ! This is terriffic ! It seems more historical than a bummer to me...
Best of luck with it,
Pete

Hey Pete,
Historical and fantasy and far out, i can write. Just hard to get it to "mainstream" sometimes. I'm going to re write this and focus on the river to incorporate some suggestions and then another focusing on the mist. I don't know if I'll tackle a whole CD on the subject as Sideman--Alan suggested though.
Thanks for the come back
Wy

Howdy Wy,

Hadda drop in to see what kinda hullabaloo you are up to with this!! Don't have much time yet as I am just trying to sort out my backlog of work and mail...but hadda offer you a couple more ideas for song titles if you are gonna do a series here.

How about:
1. Between the River and the Mist (that's actually a line you wrote)
2. River of Secrets

If I had more time, I'd offer some wordsmithing but that'll hafta wait. Nice work on this. I agree on dropping the war thing even though that feels highly appropriate here. Just too many different things going on...needs to keep focused a bit more.

Hugs,
Bobbie

Wy,

Now, when you said that Irish girl had another strike against her, it wouldn't have anything to do with the hair, would it???!!!

I am going to wait untuil I see your rewrite before I start sketching any outlines or making any notes as far as a book is concerned. My intitial thought is to interweave the stories of several generations of folks, focusing on 2 or 3 families, whose lives are affected by the mist. The mist will wind its way up and down the river, taking its secrets with it, leaving disguised hints of those secrets and carrying the aura of those secrets with it as it touches the lives of others. It will simply create and leave new mysteries as it goes along. That is a very rough and general idea that I have in mind. You can let me know what you think. This is a really great theme for a song, a complete themed CD and a book!

Alan

Hey Bobbie,
I thought the last two mornings this would have slid to page two. It seems to be long lived. Maybe that means something.
You mean the work just piles up when you're gone? Hmmm, looks like somebody'd take care ot it for you <G> Prob'ly need an assistant.
Good titles you offered. The second one , I had already kinda' considered only I had it "Secret River" , but then I thought, well that sounds like it's a lost river or something and that's not the point. so River Of Secrets is prob'ly better . Thanks.
One of my problems is having problems so Alan'l have to wait a couple hours..
Thanks for the look over. I may consider the CD thing. I'd lots rather tackle a CD than a book like Alan's considering. I can do the songs one at a time. I s'pose you could write a page or a chapter at atime too tho'
Wy

Hi Alan,
You could possibly be right in your first statement there.
On your ideas---yeah, we're on the same page. I had thought about what all the mist and river had seen back through time which is about the same as your generations idea and I also had the same idea that the mist could move up and down the river which, in effect, they do.
On the re write---I haven't got too far. I got all the comments and suggestions printed off though. Got to get after that.
I'm going to kick the title ideas around quite a while. Titles are important, be it song , C D or book. Bobbie had a couple good ones, but I'm going to keep a running list of ideas for a while. If anyone has some more they can post or e me if they like
Wy

WY,

For the lyrics, Bobbie's suggestions are real good. But, for a book, and my personal preference for book and lyric (sorry Bobbie!!!) is as you have it now...The Mist Along The River.

I was kinda thinking I might be right in that first comment I made! I'm guessing only those folks who have been around JPF for 4 or 5 years or more having any idea what we're talking about!!! Heck, Wy, I often have no idea what I am talking about at the moment!

Glad we seem to be on the same page with the general theme of this. I really like the idea of tying several generations of 2 or 3 families together throughout the story. All the secrets that lurk just a short distance away...In The Mist Along The River!

One quick question, then I'll be outta here...did you have a specific location in mind? I was kinda think of Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi or Tennessee. Talk to ya later!

Alan

Hey Alan, Well, I got the bridge re written to my satisfaction, subject to tweaking, but made 2 0r 3 starts on V 1 and 2 and haven't decideed on a definite direction.
On the location, I had in mind a big river like the Miss or Missouri, but some sections of it aren't very prone to mist and mystery. Course you could still consider you were only talking about a section of it but more than one state maybe. That still wouldn't interfere with your thoughts about the generations though. The family or fanilies could be scattered along the river. I had thought about Loisiana for one. Running through some of the swamps.
I don't know that the book and C D would have to follow each other real close as long as a song didn't "conflict" with something in the book and vice versa?
Wy

Back again, Wy!

Well, then, I think I could make it work quite well using Louisiana and Mississippi as the basic setting. Will start doing a little research on that part of the river and the areas adjacent to it. In order to not distract folks away from your lyric thread here, any more than I already have, I'll get back to ya next time on the private message function up there in the "My Stiff" tab. Talk atcha later!

Alan