JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Daddy's Advice

When I was just a young boy,
I used to hear my dad,
Tell me thing to help my life,
From turning to the bad,
I used to hate to hear it,
But now I know, you see,
How good was my Daddy's advice to me.

My Daddy's advice to me
Was as good as it could be
When I was young I hated it
But now I'm 23
And I love
Daddy's advice to me

Now he's sick and old,
His lips are growing cold,
I can no longer ride upon his back,
So though we're far away
We write this letter to say,
He's the man who we should thank

Chorus

Bridge
My life is good,
I live as I should,
The world is hard,
But like the bard,
Of Avon or of even Old Spice,
I listen to my Daddy's advice

Chorus

This song shares a lot with some modern country songs, but it's awful. Why? What are some of the things wrong with this? What could make it better?

Not for Bobbie or any of the "pros" to critique


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You have to practice improvisation. -Art Tatum

Mike Dunbar Music

[This message has been edited by Mike Dunbar (edited 06-16-2006).]

Jeeze O man Mike, I thought you had lost it! Whew--I feel better seeing that it is a test. Very good tool for learning here. I will leave it as is and hope someone picks out the things that are screaming at me on this one. Hope to see you soon. Get ready to hug! Idamarie

Got a funny story about those linebreaks, Pete. This may be a legend, I'll ask Hugh Moffat next time I see him.

An old friend, the late Ralph Whiteway, showed a song to Hugh. Hugh told him he shouldn't carry a thought over to another line. Ralph reiminded Hugh of Hugh's big hit "Old Flames Can't Hold a Candle to You." which started:

Downtown tonight, I met an old friend someone who,
I used to take comfort from long before I met you.

Funny, but yes, that's one of the mistakes in this. There'a a bunch more. Probably a bunch I don't know of myself.

Keep at it.

Mike

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You have to practice improvisation. -Art Tatum

Mike Dunbar Music

C'mon Mike...lemme work this one over!! YIKES. I am with Idamarie. I honestly thought you'd had a stroke or something when I started reading this 'un!! Ya really had me goin' here!! Whew. I'll go back to my corner and see what others can do for ya! The Bard of Avon or Old Spice? ROFLMAO...now THAT was funny. My dad LOVED Old Spice..and of course my mom gave him Avon stuff all the time!)

Hugs,
Bobbie

Thanks Idamarie and Bobbie!

ROFLMAO, wasn't he with the Mavericks?

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You have to practice improvisation. -Art Tatum

Mike Dunbar Music

I've been thinking of having a "Worst Lyric Contest" over on my parody board at t u n e s m i t h (y'know you can't type that word here, lol)... but I think I've already crowned yours a winner.

Reminds me of an oldie of mine:
Grandaddy’s Advice
©2003 Corey Parkman

v.1
I remember when I was five
Playin’ in my grandparent’s drive
I fell off my skooter and skinned my knee
Grandaddy helped me clean my cuts
He whisked the gravel off my butt
Then he smiled and gave this advice to me

c.1
Old Milwaukee makes me sick
Run go check yourself for ticks
Y’know that youngest Golden Girl sure looked nice
Then with a tear in his eye
he said I love me some squirrel pie
That’s why I never took Grandaddy’s advice

v.2
I remember in seventh grade
Ridin’ in grandaddy’s Chevrolet
He pulled over and said it was my turn
As I slipped into the driver’s seat
and felt the pedals under my feet
Grandaddy smiled and said “It’s time you learned...”

c.2
Look both ways before you leap
Damn my drawers are startin’ to creep
I wonder how the Asians get by on rice
Then with a somber voice
He said urine cures hemorrhoids
Thank goodness I never took Grandaddy’s advice

v.3
Ten years later I heard the news
Grandaddy’d flown his earthly coop
Died in his sleep with a big grin on his face
At his service I said a piece
Told some advice he’d given me
And I could almost hear his voice say...

c.3
Don’t pee on an electric fence
Look I just found thirty cents
Pour me some V-8 and vodka over ice
The Lord knows I loved that man
but I’m sure you all understand
That’s why I never took Grandaddy’s advice

(tag: in a sad voice with minimal music backing)
Old Milwaukee makes me sick
Run go check yourself for ticks
Y’know that youngest Golden Girl sure looked nice
Then with a tear in his eye
he said I love me some squirrel pie
Now I sure do miss Grandaddy’s advice

Hi Mike,

Snort.

There are two pictures I am getting from this that I don't think you intend, or, maybe you do.

I think it would be mean, now that he is sick and old and in a hospital bed, for you to ask him to roll over and give you a piggy back ride. Or, gasp, since his lips are growing cold, did he die? and you want to ride on the coffin?

I am also getting a vision of the singer spraying Old Spice in his ear.

One improvement would be to tell what advice Daddy actually gave, although in this personality you have taken on, I might be shocked at what you would add.

Rolling,
Vondelle

Vondelle, good catch. So my hook is "Daddy's Advice" but I don't say what the advice is. I'm speaking in generalities, a common weak point in lyrics. That was one of the mistakes I was looking for.

Corey, thanks, I knew I could win something I got a kick out of your Grandpa song.

I picked a few common problems I see when critiquing lyrics, so far that's two of them. There are more. Also, what could be done to make this better? Tell me without rewriting it.

Mike



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You have to practice improvisation. -Art Tatum

Mike Dunbar Music

A way to make it better without rewriting it? How about putting music to it and telling anyone who doesn't like the lyric that it goes over great when you play it out

Bill

The chorus is lifeless... 'cause it "tells" instead of "shows" the point of your lyric. There are a lot of awkward, backward, and unconversational lines... seemingly written for rhyme alone. So, in summary... show don't tell in the chorus; make the lines more conversational. At the same time, it also needs a bit more poetry... the lines of the bridge, in particular, are so straightforward....
but...
Avon or Old Spice... that's hilarious. That's the only line I'd keep.

HIDee Bro Mike!~

Gotta admit this'n' sure Made Me Squirm on First Read... ;-)>

"turning to the bad" is ALREADY doin' so..it's a not that-often-heard Colloquialism.

"How good was my Daddy's advice to me" is a Fine Example of "YodaSpeak"..Poetic, yeah, but NOT "Conversational"/Easy-to-Understand.

Un-Labeled "First" Chorus generally SUX...SHOULDA of course TOLD Us Listeners WHAT Daddy Had To SAY..but fails miserably. All the "E" Rhymes sound fairly Trite, too.

Next Verse has an Obviously-Bad Ryhme Pair, "back/thank"..& Number of Lines has Changed from V1...from 7 down to 6 now.
There's no REAL Hint of "Depth" in this Child-Parent Relationship..(Perhaps a VISIT would mean far more than a Thank-You Letter..at this Stage of the Game?)

Bridge is All Over The Map. No FOCUS on what makes this Song SPECIAL...or Dad either..for that matter. Singer seems Clueless. DID remember Dad's After-Shave..(What a Hoot!)..not much more.

NOW...if there was something REAL..and CONNECTABLE about Dear Ol' Dad.. BESIDES the Old Spice...this'd be FAR More Interestin' & Commercial. I LOVE Alan Jackson's "DRIVE"...& when he puts ya behind that Evinrude his Dad let him fire up, you fast-realize that HIS DAD was One Wonderfully Wise, Fun-Lovin' Hombre!!!

Not so..here..alas!

(Prolly Just Me...but "23" ain't exactly too "Elderly" either..so the "when I was young" line's a Stinker, too!)

Lotsa Fun Critiquin' this little Limburger Baby, Amigo!

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

Hi,

So sorry I missed this one. What a great idea to help out the fledgling, strugling songwriters like me.

So Tampa, what are you doing critiquing this one. You're one a the pros!

Hopefully there's a next one and I'll actually click on the thread title in time to practice. Don't have time today to try and add anything (if there's even anything to add). Just wanted to say I like the concept of what you did here.

When a new member joins I'm always afraid to say too much. For one thing---I may very well be totally off track with my critique and I have no idea what kind of person they are. So, again, great idea.

vanessa

Thanks, Vanessa,

That was my thinking, that it would be good to be able to "fire away" with a critique and not worry about hurting someone's feelings or, worse, starting a flame war.

I'm going post more like this, trying to use common problems that I see.

Now, I don't fancy myself as some great songwriter here, but I'm a pretty darn good teacher and that's my goal. I hope this helps.

Mike

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You have to practice improvisation. -Art Tatum

Mike Dunbar Music

hi

But now I'm 23
And I love
Daddy's advice to me

tell me if i'm wrong, but this seems an ood thing to say. why would you love his advice? would it be better to talk about gratitude rather than love? maybe you could have said you were gald he gave you his advice

Thanks Kim,

That's the kind of crit for which I'm looking.

It sure is an odd thing to say, sounds like I said it more for the rhyme than for the reason, does it not?

All the Best,
Mike

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You have to practice improvisation. -Art Tatum

Mike Dunbar Music

Thanks Kim,

That's the kind of crit for which I'm looking.

It sure is an odd thing to say, sounds like I said it more for the rhyme than for the reason, does it not?

All the Best,
Mike

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You have to practice improvisation. -Art Tatum

Mike Dunbar Music

Yeah it was pretty bad but at least it made me recall this quote from Mark Twain:

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

I was going to critique this and to show examples of how to salvage it and ended up with a lyric. So I just posted it as "Fatherly Advice" on this forum

Well i'm new here and maybe not a good person to go over other's work,

When I was just a young boy,
I used to hear my dad,
Tell me thing to help my life, ?thing? things maybe
From turning to the bad,

But line 3 make's no sence what so ever to me i could be wrong.
but on a good note you can always send it to paramount group they will do you a good demo so i hear.

Not that you need one mike
All the best steve

[This message has been edited by Stephen (edited 06-20-2006).]