JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 This is My Rifle

This is a song I wrote about a returning Viet Nam veteran who's life was forever changed by war. You can hear some of the song here and please feel free to listen to the others as well. The link: http://cdbaby.com/cd/maysey

This is My Rifle

This is My Rifle
Mark Maysey 1999

verse
Back in sixty nine, didn’t have a care
Before they called my number I chopped off all my hair
Said goodbye to Mama, Dad and Uncle Dan
Boarded and airplane and headed off for Nam

verse
He called us to attention as we stepped off the plane
Checked us off a list as he called out our names
Then he picked up his rifle and raised it in the air
Grabbed his crotch with his other hand, as we all stood and stared
He said…

chorus
This is my rifle, this is my gun
One is for killing’, the other’s for fun
So until this war is over, or until your time is done
This is your rifle and this one is your gun

verse
Thirty years have passed since I stepped of that plane
The nightmares haven’t ended and neither has the pain
I’ve drank my share of liquor and smoked my share of grass
But I can’t unload the memories or these few words from my past

repeat chorus

verse
A dear friend of mine finally called it quits
They found him one cold morning face down in a ditch
A bullet through his brain, his rifle at his side
And one old rusted dog tag from nineteen sixty nine

verse
When they turned his body over, they found his written note
It wasn’t but a few lines, but the last he ever wrote
And when they laid him in his grave on that cold December day
I took those words he’d written and I began to play

repeat chorus

In boot camp, the army makes a big distinction between a gun and a rifle. The term gun is reserved for artillery. Anyone caught calling his rife (M-16) a gun was punished with extra laps or more details or something unpleasant. I had never heard the reference you make in the song but it sounds like something most drill sergeants would say.

There seems to be something missing in the lyrics that would make the chorus have the punch needed the last time it is used. As it is, you have a dead Vietnam vet and the chorus then becomes trivial because it is still taken the way the character meant it in the first verse. It doesn't have a pay off. The song in general seems promising but I think it needs to transform the meaning of the hook. For the record, I was in Vietnam in 1969 (588th Signal Corps 6 miles from the DMZ)
Welcome to the forum. I hope to see more of your lyrics.

[This message has been edited by nashvillecat (edited 06-30-2005).]

I tend to agree on the last Chorus . There is something missing in this song. Not sure if I can add anything that would help tho.

I also felt the reference to the gun vs. rifle seemed to really have nothing to do with the story other than the fact that the sargent greeted the men with it. Seems there should be something that makes the comparison mean something.
All in all the story is good. It just needs that special something to bring it together.

BTW I believe the saying "this is my rifle this is my gun, this is for killing this is for fun" is an old Korean War, WW2 and earlier saying. Pre M-16, if you will. I was in the army in early 1960's using M-1's then M-14's(what a piece of crap. Jammed on a grain of sand). It was a common saying at that time. Lucky for me I was to short to go to Nam when the [naughty word removed] hit the fan.

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www.soundclick.com/billrobinson

Bill
Live with a song in your heart

hi and welcome to the JPF. I instantly recognized the title from the DI's chant in Full Metal Jacket, haha.

but the lyric itself...it's by no means bad. the only thing I can say is the ground has been covered before. hell, I've written more than my share. the key is to approach the topic of the messed up Viet vet in a fresh way which I think is kinda lacking here. still a good and sincere effort, though.

Hey Maysey, to me the most important thing in a song is the emotion conveyed. That is really the only problem I have with forums like this. They are great for direction & advice, but untill I actually hear a song I can't know if it really works or not. I went to cdbaby... your songs work really well. Keep it up.

Thanks to all for the responses and a little more of higher thanks to Goldenbird for the boost...we all need that from time to time! I've been at this a long time for a part time and now...I'm doing what I have always wanted to do. A have a small retirement that pays the bills and buys the vino, but I've always maintained that "I would take a lot less money for a lot more time"...and at 48 years old it aint all bad. Thanks again to all of you and I will be making this site a part of my regular travels. Peace! Mark Maysey

LOL the best thing about folk music is that you don't have to be a young kid to do it,I've been working on music (on & off) for a long time too & I', working on my retirement too

Hi Mark,

I graduated from high school in 1969
and have my share of Vietnam memories.

My first reaction when I read this was a cringe at the rhyming of Dan and Nam! The last syllable of Vietnam rhymes with bomb not bam.

I also feel like there is something missing.
You explained the lyric as being one that
you wrote about a Vet whose life was changed
by the war, but you didn't explain in the lyric what caused the change.

Good or bad, you drew a critique from one
of the best--something most of us don't get.

Diane

Well I don't normally do the battle of wits type of thing, but this time I felt more than compelled to respond to Diane E. Your first comment or critique "you cringed at the ryhme between NAM and DAN", well in music OR poetry there is such a thing as NEAR RYHME and with the right music or chord progression these can be very effective and a nice change from the mundane or the rule of thumb theory of song writing. You went on to say..."also feel like there is something missing. You explained the lyric as being one that you wrote about a Vet whose life was changed by the war, but you didn't explain in the lyric what caused the change." What caused the change? HOW ABOUT THE WAR!! Thanks Diane! Mark



[This message has been edited by Maysey (edited 06-30-2005).]

Mark,

Welcome to the board. I hope you enjoy your time here. I enjoyed listening to a few of the cuts from your C.D.
The only thing that disappointed me was only being able to hear 2 min. of each. I will go back and listen to the rest as soon as I have a few extra min.
Again, A Big Texas Welcome
Willie

Thanks Willie and I look forward to spending time on here. I have marked this site as one of my favorites and look forward to interacting more with others.

Hi again Mark

First let me say I am a Vet's Daughter, widow of the Nam era and now the Mother of a United States Marine, been a member of the V.F.W Ladies Aux. since I was 16. so while I can instantly understand your song, thought a slight change for the last chorus might help others understand the tie in between your chorus and story easier. I know as a songwriter I want to reach as many people as possible.
Anyway just a humble suggestion
and a couple suggestions to explain what I mean.
As they say on the board "Keep or Sweep"
I have gone back and enjoyed more of the cuts on your C.D.

I took those words he'd written and I began to play......

I had to use the rifle couldn’t use my gun
Rifles are for killing they’re sure not used for fun
My war was never over I’ve lost more than I won
Thanks to that damn rifle I could never have a son

I had to use the rifle couldn’t use my gun
Rifles are for killing they’re sure not used for fun
When the war was over I’d lost more than I’d won
Jenny left this cripple and took my only Son
or
Jenny left this cripple I never saw my only Son

I had to use the rifle couldn’t use my gun
Rifles are for killing they’re not used for fun
When the war was over I’d lost more than I won
I had to use my rifle couldn’t use my gun

One more little suggestion and I promise I will shut up
I never talk this much, ask anyone on the board lol

IF you change your last chorus maybe you could change a couple words in the first verses to set it up....
Example
Back in sixty nine WE didn't have a care
Before they called OUR number WE chopped off all OUR hair
Said goodby to Mama,Dad and Uncle Dan
Boarded OUR FIRST PLANE and headed off to Nam

verse 3
IT'S BEEN THIRTY YEARS, SINCE I WHEELED BOBBY FROM THAT PLANE
BUT the nightmares............

verse 4
BOBBY Finaly called it quits.......

I think joining using the buddy system which alot of my friend did and putting in a couple names (you can change them to anything that suits you) makes it a little more personal.


anyway hope these little suggestions help
big hugs, Willie


[This message has been edited by TxBrownEyedBlond (edited 07-01-2005).]