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Here's a change of pace from the Anth-ster. This is a rock tune whose gimmick I thought of last week, but only got around to fleshing out tonight. I wasn't sure it could work, but it seems to, so I'm posting the results. Please tell me what you think of this dark tale. Thanks!


SHOTS
©2002 Anthony Torres
All rights reserved

(Verse 1)
Rick sat down and stared at the bartender
Sleepy-eyed, like he needed a bender
He muttered, “Why don’t you pour me a double
I’m mad as hell and just lookin’ for trouble”

He took it with a smirk upon his face
Downed it, and then gazed far off into space
A minute later, he slammed down a ten
and ran out, saying “I won’t be back again”

(Chorus 1)
Shots....... ohhhh ohh ohh shots
Ohhhh ohh ohh
Just a couple shots is all he took
Somethin’ ‘bout ‘em really changed his look
But his stomach got tied up in knots
from those shots-- ohhhh ohh ohh, shots

(Verse 2)
“Take care of business”, he advised himself
as he pulled out the steel tucked in his belt
He knew just where his wife would be that night
So he hid near that front door, out of sight

She walked up minutes later, hot as hell
in a short skirt and heels, she rang the bell
When a grinning face appeared at the door
He pulled the trigger and it hit the floor

(Chorus 2)
Shots....... ohhhh ohh ohh shots
Ohhhh ohh ohh
Just a couple shots is all it took
Even though his right hand badly shook
Some sweet revenge is what he finally got
with those shots-- ohhhh ohh ohh, shots

(Verse 3)
His wife crumpled up in a heap and screamed
beside the man of her illicit dreams
Rick stepped over him and dropped his gun
Found a phone inside and called 911

He simply told them he had had enough
Then stayed there ‘til the cops put on the cuffs
At the station, under his first arrest
Sober, calm and steady, he confessed

(Chorus 3)
Shots....... ohhhh ohh ohh shots
Ohhhh ohh ohh
Just a couple shots is all they took
Face forward, then turn left, and he was booked
He went from lonely bed to prison cot
with those shots-- ohhhh ohh ohh, shots

(Tag)
The first two were the cause
The last two the effect
The others helped restore his self-respect

Shots....... ohhhh ohh ohh, shots

Hi Anthony!
I think this one is pretty good. The imagery created was worth the read.

I noticed a thing or two that I will pass on to you.

In v1 I wondered about line 2. Obviously the guy knew exactly what he was going to do later. And, I wonder about the 'sleepy eyes" and what is a bender? A drink? If he's sleepy why would he need a bender? Drinking normally relaxes me. So, thought I would ask. I wonder too if line 3 and 4 would work better (idea wise) reversed?

Sorry, but the chorus doesn't work for me. I think because of the narrative nature of it? If you would have had him saying it somehow maybe. In fact, looking back I wonder if you may need to consider first person for the verses as well? But, maybe not. I know you want to keep the singer in a neutral light probably.

v2 is a tad confusing. Yes, I got it finally after reading it slow the second time around. I thought first read he went home or to her house and caught her with another man. Then I finally figured out he was waiting in the bushes at the "other man's" home and the wife came up mad as hell. But, why was she mad? I wondered too as to who got shot and what hit the floor?

Just a couple of things.
Keep working that mouse!

Ron Boyte

Hi ya Anthony,
You letting off some steam?!!
wow, this is in your face! I'm not quite sure who'd sing this.
I really dont like the tag much. I think you can do without it. Just keep "Shots....... ohhhh ohh ohh, shots"

Take Care Anth
Ria



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Anth-ster,(?)

LOL...had to laugh at you using Anth-ster.

Ron`s got her being mad, but I`m kinda likin the way she is.(HOT!) (At least until she gets capped.) Pretty good dark lyric. Tag seems almost too clever for me to buy it, so I agree with Ria on pitching it. Good job Antman. Dano.

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www.angelfire.com/music3/danolyrics

Hi Anth-ster. I really like this a lot, it's well thought out and works well. I thought it could be trimmed a little in places...eg.

Rick gave his order to the old bartender
Steel cold eyed - he needed a bender
Mad as hell he was lookin' for trouble
'Sir why don't you make that a double'

Took the Jack with a smirk on his face
Downed it and then stared off into spece
A minute later he slammed down a ten
Ran off saying "won't be back again"

“Takin' care of business”, he convinced himself
Pulled out the steel that was tucked in his belt
He knew where his wife was gonna be that night
So he hid near the front door, out of sight

She arrived on time, hot as hell
Mini skirt and heels, she rang the bell
A grinning face soon opened the door
Rick pulled the trigger, the face hit the floor

His wife crumpled up in a heap and screamed
Next to the man of her illicit dreams
Rick stepped over him and dropped his gun
Found a phone inside and called 911

All he said was "I've had enough"
Never moved an inch ‘til they put on the cuffs
Down at the station, his first arrest
Didn't wait to be charged 'cause Rick confessed

OK, I went a bit overboard but once I got started with the FTC I got carried away. I like the tag a lot. Rick didn't shoot the wife too did he? Good one Anthony. Cheers, Judy




[This message has been edited by Judy (edited 07-20-2002).]

Hi Anthony,

Had no trouble understanding the lyric. I’m with Ria on the tag. At least think about the self respect line. He was mad as hell for being disrespected but none of the shots will do anything for restoring respect (self) or otherwise.

Good Luck

Regards
Bill

Hi Anthony

I have to agree on the self respect thing...
I think maybe if you were to say

Tag;
The first two were the cause
The last two the effect
BUT NOTHING THERE WILL restore his self-respect

Just a thought I'd hate to think someone would consider killing other people as a way to restore their self-respect.

Your imagery is very well developed and for me the tale is very clear. Nice work! Trudi

hey anthony...this song has "kill her" hook in it...this tale is too dark for my taste...i give you clever...there are too many leaps of faith required to make this believable...just not my brand of beer...as always just one guys opinion...terry

At long last, hi. I'm gonna start in reverse order here for the heck of it.

Terry-- Guy goes out, knocks back a little hooch, then kills the guy his wife is seeing. I'm not saying it goes on every minute, but it's certainly not far-fetched. It's very dark, yes, so I understand your not latching onto it. Thanks for your thoughts.

Trudi-- Hi. Glad you liked this one overall. I should do somethign about that tag. I wrote that self-respect line as the way the guy would think of it, which might still be a valid way to put it, but others might see that as endorsing the shooting, which would be wrong. Thanks for stopping in.

Bill/Lost-- See above. I appreciate you stopping by.

Judy-- Neat line suggestions!!! Some of them are too pruned for my taste, but overall, they're good food for thought. I might incorporate some before this slides off page 1. Thanks for the fine-tooth comb treatment.

And Dano-- Well, for every question (such as, "What do you think of my lyric?"), there's an Anth-ster. I can easily pitch the tag on this. It's the most expendable part of the lyric. And I'm glad you understood the "hot as hell" thing. Thanks for dropping by!

Anthony


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Yikes! The middle of page 2-- this is about the deepest I've had to delve to retrieve a lyric of mine and comment on the replies. I'm sorry I've been ignoring this one.

Ron-- Sleepy eyes are, well, sleepy eyes. Mine are getting that way right now, since it's so late. A bender is a drinking binge. Interesting point about switching v1, lines 3 and 4. That could work.

I think the choruses work pretty well. They do seem unusual, yeah, but I don't mind. "Hot as hell" refers to the woman looking sexy. Maybe I could say "sleek as hell" or something. And it's the guy's face that hits the floor.

Thanks as usual for the fine-tooth comb treatment and for keepin' me on my toes.

And Ria-- Thanks for your thoughts. The tag is totally expendable. I seldom add tags to my lyrics for that very reason. I can take 'em or leave 'em. And yeah, I don't know who would sing this either! Thanks again.

Now, one click, and finally-- a flaming folder!

Anthony


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Hi Anth-ster (WT_?) I'm going to attempt a FTC here... lessie,

(Verse 1)
Rick sat down and stared at the bartender
Sleepy-eyed, like he needed a bender

I don't like "Sleepy-eyed". To me that does not connotate a "bender-look"... maybe haggard or worn out or something like that. Sleepy-eyed is too "Disney" for a lyric like this.

He muttered, “Why don’t you pour me a double
I’m mad as hell and just lookin’ for trouble”

He GRABBED it with a smirk upon his face
Downed it, and then STARED far off into space

"gazed" seems a bit too poetic.

A minute later, he slammed down a ten
and ran out, saying “I won’t be back again”

(Chorus 1)
Shots....... ohhhh ohh ohh shots
Ohhhh ohh ohh
Just a couple shots is all he took
Somethin’ ‘bout ‘em really changed his look
But his stomach got tied up in knots
from those shots-- ohhhh ohh ohh, shots

I don't really think you've set up your hook well enough with the line, "But his stomach got tied up in knots". But I'm not sure what else might work there.

(Verse 2)
“Take care of business”, he TOLD himself
as he pulled out the steel tucked in his belt
He knew just where his wife would be that night
So he hid near that front door, out of sight

again, another 50 cent word "advised". "Told" seems more appropriate for this lyric, IMO.

She walked up minutes later, hot as hell
in a short skirt and heels, she rang the bell
When a grinning face appeared at the door
He pulled the trigger and it hit the floor

WHAT?!! Who shot who? I thought this guy had a knife? I'm a little lost...

(Chorus 2)
Shots....... ohhhh ohh ohh shots
Ohhhh ohh ohh
Just a couple shots is all it took
Even though his right hand badly shook
Some sweet revenge is what he finally got
with those shots-- ohhhh ohh ohh, shots

Like that line "Some sweet revenge is what he finally got" much better for this chorus.


(Verse 3)
His wife crumpled up in a heap and screamed
beside the man of her illicit dreams
Rick stepped over him and dropped his gun
Found a phone inside and called 911

I guess the "steel" was the gun? Maybe you need to say "heat" or some other slang for gun. Maybe it's just me.

He simply told them he had had enough
Then stayed there ‘til the cops put on the cuffs
At the station, under his first arrest
Sober, calm and steady, he confessed

(Chorus 3)
Shots....... ohhhh ohh ohh shots
Ohhhh ohh ohh
Just a couple shots is all they took
Face forward, then turn left, and he was booked
He went from lonely bed to prison cot
with those shots-- ohhhh ohh ohh, shots

(Tag)
The first two were the cause
The last two the effect
The others helped restore his self-respect

Shots....... ohhhh ohh ohh, shots

Well, I'll say you ventured over to the darkside with that lyric, Anth, but I'm afraid the story was a bit too confusing for me. Unless of course, the "steel" was indeed a gun and not a knife. Just haven't ever heard it referred to as "steel". I like your second two choruses, but I'm not crazy about the first. Hope I could help.

Tink




[This message has been edited by TINK (edited 07-26-2002).]

Heck yeah Anth...just make it a Glock in his belt! (I`m awful partial to them.)

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Tink-- Thanks for the FTC (that "Fine-Tooth Comb" to the uninitiated)!!! Lotta good ideas there. I think I'll say it's a "piece" tucked in his belt. I wanted to use a synonym for gun there, as you can tell. Anyway, I like most of your suggestions. Thanks again!

And Dan-- LOL on the Glock thing. Too bad I couldn't use that word at the end of a line, like Stan did once. It's a great rhyming word. Thanks for stopping in.

Anthony


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Hey,

I really liked it. Did strike me as more of a Up-beat country song for some reason though..(Or classic rock, Beatles/Elvis style I suppose)

He muttered, “Why don’t you pour me a double
I’m mad as hell and just lookin’ for trouble”- That's a great line. Though I kept 'hearing' it as 'He stuttered'.. I guess I just imagine drunk people(Or remember my own 'benders') with a lot of stuttering.

First time I've 'critiqued'(Or spelt the word it seems) a song, hope it wasn't too awful

Glad this one was rescued Anthony. Read the fool or clown yesterday and had intended to come back this am to leave a spoor, but this puppy is far superior to that one. Yeah, I know, they are different lyrics and really should not be directly compared but....

I like this a lot.

What you write about here is an all to frequent and nasty occurrence, and IMO you've captured the elements quite well. I have no problems with any of it, except, as others have pointed out, the tag. He cannot be left with self respect.

What he actually did was fuel his rage with liquor, so no problem with the first two lines of the tag. Maybe end with

but shots are shots and dead is dead??