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For Dom
by JAPOV - 04/30/26 09:52 PM
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Nothing
by JAPOV - 04/27/26 10:49 AM
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WHEN?
by JAPOV - 04/23/26 11:28 PM
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 8
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
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Posts: 8 |
This is my updated version of my lyrics.
I hope you like it better.
A Good Start
(Verse 1)
sometimes you ask me
how much I love you
It's hard to explain
even though I want to
so i'll do my best
don't think i'll go wrong
sending you a message
in this love song
(chorus)
Take the flowers, birds and the trees
the gentle winds, land and the seas
the sacred words that we vowed forever
and all the nights that we spent together
mix it all in your heart
thats a good start
(Verse 2)
i don't dream anymore
for mine had come true
when two joined as one
me and you
so i hope this helps
tell the way i feel
for my love for you
could't be more real
(bridge)
youve read no love story
that could ever define
the burning sensation
in this heart of mine
(chorus)
mix it all in your heart
thats a good start
(c)2002 Rory Huffman
[This message has been edited by rdhuff (edited 05-06-2002).]
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,202
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,202 |
Hi, Rory, and welcome to JPF! Some pretty sweet stuff, here. I think you could so some tweaking. "deeper than deep" doesn't sound quite right to me. And it seems that "it's here for YOU to keep would make more sense". In the chorus, I love lines 3 and 4. But I'm not sure about the rest. The first two lines - it's not clear to me how they relate to his love. I may rewrite those to bring in more imagery more directly related to their love. And the hook is leaving me kind of flat. After all that wonderfully mushy, romantic stuff (which I'm a sucker for ![[Linked Image]](http://www.justplainfolks.org/ubb/smile.gif) ), it seems a bit half-hearted. Could just be me. See what the others say. I thought the dictionary in V2 was too sterile/unromantic image for this song. It kinda broke the mood (you shouldn't do that to a girl ![[Linked Image]](http://www.justplainfolks.org/ubb/wink.gif) ). With all those suggestions, it may seem like I don't like this, but I do. I think it's a really good start, but it still needs some polishing. Hope that helps! Ricki
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 10,330
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 10,330 |
I like this song. May need work but I have to look more closely later. I am going to bump this up to let the others know it's there.
JeanB
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 165
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 165 |
Hey Rory! Glad you posted this one. I agree with Ricki that "dictionary" doesn't quite fit here and I thought the same thing when I first read this one. But haven't come up with a better line yet. I also love lines 3 & 4 in the chorus. I think Ricki makes a lot of good points for the rest of the chorus as well. My understanding is that you are saying "take all of these beautiful and meaningful things and mix them together and it's just begins to touch the surface of what I feel for you". I love the sentiment. But maybe there is a better way to get the idea across. Glad to see you on the board!
If you don't like your reality~~change it.
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 8
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
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<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by rickigirl: Hi, Rory, and welcome to JPF! Some pretty sweet stuff, here. I think you could so some tweaking. "deeper than deep" doesn't sound quite right to me. And it seems that "it's here for YOU to keep would make more sense". In the chorus, I love lines 3 and 4. But I'm not sure about the rest. The first two lines - it's not clear to me how they relate to his love. I may rewrite those to bring in more imagery more directly related to their love. And the hook is leaving me kind of flat. After all that wonderfully mushy, romantic stuff (which I'm a sucker for ), it seems a bit half-hearted. Could just be me. See what the others say. I thought the dictionary in V2 was too sterile/unromantic image for this song. It kinda broke the mood (you shouldn't do that to a girl ). With all those suggestions, it may seem like I don't like this, but I do. I think it's a really good start, but it still needs some polishing. Hope that helps!
Ricki</font>
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 8
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 8 |
Hi Rickigirl.
sorry.I messed up the last post
Thank you for your input on my lyric.
I't will be very helpfull to me in the future.I am changing the words around in this one soon.Hope you will see the update.Thanks again.
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 8
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
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Hi Jean.
Thank you very much. I will be posting some changes soon.Hope you see them..
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 8
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
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Hey I know you.Hi Karla.
Thank you lots for your help.I'm making some changes soon.Keep an eye out.
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