JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum Box Me Up

I have finished this one ten times in as many years, and it may not be over yet. I just added the first verse. It is more or less bluegrassy, and moderate tempo works better for me. I'd like some feedback. Does it need a bridge? Pick it apart, folks. Thanks.
***************************

BOX ME UP
(c) 2005 Mike Amason

a capella, 1st verse only

v1
We’ve got skeeters big as turkeys, sandspurs, chiggers, kudzu, fire ants
And our necks are red as Alabama Clay
But I wouldn’t trade a bucket full of Mississippi Mud
For a hundred acres full of buildings downtown in L.A.

V2
I went to the big city once for nearly half a day
It was almost more than I could stand
And I don’t need Old Moses here to point the way
For me to know that I am in the Promised Land

V3
When I die I know my friends will come and lay me down to rest
And plant me peaceful by the riverside
I may be gone from here, but I’ll still be with the Blessed
When I get to Heaven I won’t even know I’ve died

Ch1
Make me a coffin out of knotty Georgia pine
Dig a hole down deep in the sand
Dress me in clothes made from cotton white as snow
Then Box Me Up and ship me off to Glory Land

V4
When I see the Angels shining and their singing fills my ears
And the bells are ringing in the Golden Hall
The sweetest piece of music I could ever hope to hear
Is Saint Peter at the Pearly Gate with a “Welcome Home, You all”

Ch2
Put honeysuckle blossoms all around my head
A Bible and a bottle in my hands
Sing “Dixie”, “Swannee River” and “Georgia on My Mind”
Then Box Me Up and ship me off to Glory Land

V5
Y’all don’t sit and cry for me when I have gone to Beulah Land
For there will be no sorrow and no sin
You know I've only left Down Here to go to Paradise
And remember since I’m from the South I’m Going To Rise Again!

Ch3
Plant a magnolia at the head of my grave
At the bottom end a papershell pecan
And plant a watermelon so the juice can run down to me
(Pause , then spoken - Slurrrrrrpp!)
When you Box Me Up and ship me off to Glory Land

tag
When you Box Me Up and ship me off to Glory Land
(End song with instrumental – first line of “Dixie”, let it fade)

A TREMENDOUS tip of my humble hat to Amanda. You're the berries. Thanks. And Thanks, Ben


[This message has been edited by cuebald (edited 01-26-2006).]

[This message has been edited by cuebald (edited 01-27-2006).]

[This message has been edited by cuebald (edited 01-27-2006).]

[This message has been edited by cuebald (edited 01-27-2006).]

[This message has been edited by cuebald (edited 01-27-2006).]

[This message has been edited by cuebald (edited 01-27-2006).]

[This message has been edited by cuebald (edited 01-27-2006).]

[This message has been edited by cuebald (edited 01-28-2006).]

Cue,

Awesome redneck anthem!!!


I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN TEXAS AND DAMNED PROUD OF IT.

this is one i can see lots of beers ein lifted to in lots of honky tonks.

very nice

------------------

Cue,
Very good & entertaining. Not much to nit.....

this flows better to me
But I wouldn’t trade a bucket full of Mississippi Mud
For a hundred acre CONCRETE FIELD IN DOWNTOWN LA.

And tell Him when He calls me Home I want to shake His hand(SEEMS ALMOST A LITTLE INCONSEQUENTIAL THE WAY THIS IS PHRASED imo)

VERY DISCOURAGING!!! TEN years! Strikes me as plenty good enuff to have been raidoed by now.
Bridge? Lord NO!!!

The biggest problem is length. Even though all of your images entertain, you could dispense with a few verses/choruses without losing the point, and streamline it for airplay!
Ben F

v1
We’ve got chiggers AND sandspurs,
UGLY LITTLE kudzu, and a million fire ants
AND necks as red as Alabama Clay
But I wouldn’t trade a bucket
OF MY Mississippi Mud
For a PARCEL FILLED with concrete in L.A.

PS What the hell are KUDZU?

LIFE in NOISY CITIES IS SO HECTIC day to day
Living AT a pace to beat the band!
Don’t gotta SEE OLD Moses pointing the way
For me to know I'M in the Promised Land!

You already used this rhyme. This verse is not too hot because your listeners didn't CHOOSE where to be born.

I was born in the South by the Saving Grace Of God
Those who weren’t can never understand
Why every night I thank Him when I kneel to say my prayers
And tell Him when He calls me Home I want to shake His hand

This verse is so great.
v4
When I die I HOPE my friends will lay me down to rest
And plant me peaceful by the riverside
I may be gone from here
But I’ll be with the Blessed
When I get to Heaven I won’t know I’ve died

v5
When I see the Angels shining
And their singing fills my ears
And bells are ringing in THE Golden Hall,
The sweetest piece of music
I could ever hope to hear
Is Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates
WITH A “Welcome Home, You all!”

v1
We’ve got chiggers, we’ve got sandspurs, we’ve got kudzu, we’ve got fire ants
We’ve got necks as red as Alabama Clay
But I wouldn’t trade a bucket full of Mississippi Mud
For a hundred acre field of concrete downtown in L.A.

Soo great! I reminds me of a start to a toby keith song entitled " i love this bar."

It's just a perfect start and you only got better right up to your chorus. Just resembled so much chris ledoux aswell which i love.

Man i want to hear this song!

If i had to give you any critque it would probally misguided and worthless. Maybe change your chorus a bit, like i said worthless because i don't know what needs changing.

great song mate! Probally one of the best i've ever read!

Ken -

Thanks for the high praise. Not commercial, but I have a lot of fun with it when I break it out at a jam. There's plenty of room to stop and let everyone take a solo.

If I could do a version with a repeating chorus, it might work. Nah- we're talking about a whole new song.

Ben -

I have wrestled, excuse me, rassled with the concrete line for years. It originally was in a different verse. At one time it was a field of buildings. At one time it was a money farm. Ad infinitum, ad nauseum. Still thinking it over.

"Shake His hand" came from something an uncle of mine used to say. He was one of the most devout and one of the happiest men I ever knew. Many's the day the biscuits got cold while he asked the blessing, which could run a full ten minutes if he was in good form.

Never tried to sell any of my stuff. I seriously doubt its commercial potential. I write to entertain myself, and have had some really good times playing around town. My voice has all the appeal of a room full of alarm clocks on Monday morning, and I have been told I have the perfect face for radio. So I come under the heading of entertainer, I guess, and some days I have second guessed that.

Glad you enjoyed it. That's why I write. cue

Duane -

Are you certain you're not from SOUTHERN Ireland? From some of your posts you are more in touch with today's country than I am.

Many thanks for the kind words. One of these days I'll get technologically adept and crank out a few mp3s just to see what I can get away with.

(laughing) yeah thanks. No i assure you i'm definatly not from southern ireland, i'm british through and through.

I was brought up listening to pasty cline, dolly parton, johnny cash, garth brooks and others. I went through stints as you would expect in my teenage years through rock and metal but country always had my heart.

Some country songs aspire me to actually live because they make me feel so good. Ranging from chris ledoux - cowboy hat to garth brooks and the thunder rolls.

I love country i just don't write too much country because i don't feel i have the right to not being from america. Currently in process of writing a song " western cowboy from a northern land" i have been writing it for about 2 years now trying to perfect it.

anyway enough about me this thread is for you and your song.

Once again great work

duane

If I didn't think the song was commercial I wouldn't have spent hours editing it.
And making it shorter and more singable - which you IGNORED.

[This message has been edited by BigAppleLyricist (edited 01-27-2006).]

Amanda -

I see you've been busy posting while I've been busy editing. Please don't ever believe I would ignore you or anyone else here. What I don't know has filled a lot of books, and I am humbled and gratified that folks here donate a portion of their lives to read my posts and respond when there are probably one or two other things they could find to fill the void. I am delighted to be accepted as part of the collective mind on this board.

As regards your suggestions:

Still working on chiggers, etc. The a capella verse is done almost like a field holler, and I don't want to overly refine it, but I do acknowledge the repetition and agree it needs to go. "MY" Mississippi mud doesn't work for me. The personal pronoun localizes the song too much for it to pertain to the South as a region.

v2 & v3 - duly noted and smoothed a bit

v4 - This comment from you, who writes for a living, I consider to be a hilite of my career. I am pleased, much.

v5 - I cannot hope to improve on your rewrite, so I kept it. Bless you.

Kudzu is not an "are". it is an "it". A long vine with large spade shaped leaves, native to Japan, planted across the South in the 1930s for erosion control. It grows up to 18 inches per day, and I have seen two accounts from people who said they marked a spot and sat, and in an hour it had grown visibly beyond the mark. Wild animals don't eat it, and it completely covers fields, houses, barns, junkyards, and anything else in its vicinity with vines 70-80 feet long. I would almost bet you can find it growing just outside NYC in the farmland to the south (where else?).

I have never thought of this as commercial. It would be nice, yes, but who would do it?

Thanks for the help. I hope we're buddies again. cue

[This message has been edited by cuebald (edited 01-27-2006).]

hiya
Bet it's a good 'un but being a Canuck I don't know half the words
Just me!

annie

Howsabout Universal as opposed to Territorial in a song?

dunno--

[This message has been edited by annie (edited 01-27-2006).]

Hi, Annie -

The last time I was anywhere close to you was over 30 years ago when I was living in Klamath Falls, Oregon and took a couple of weekend trips to the Vancouver area. What I saw of British Columbia burned itself deeply into my memory as one of the singular most gorgeous places I have ever had the good fortune to be.

I have been in South Carolina for nearly a half century, and this song uses a lot of local idioms I grew up hearing. Your reaction is the same way I feel when I read lyrics using current street slang. It is fascinating, but Mandarin Chinese would be as accessible. I'll see if I can keep the next one a bit more midstream. Thanks for stopping by. cue

Hey cue,

You bet!

BC is a beautiful province, and I will only leave feet-first!

I have an (ex) songwriting buddy from SC. He had a stroke a bit back and we've lost computer contact. We met online because of similar interests and styles!

Williamston?

We co-wrote a couple of songs!

annie

There is a Williamston, SC. Is that the town or his name?

Hey Cue:

I'm a transplanted northerner - but I've been in the south now for 20 years. And I got every single one of your references. Didn't realize I soaked up that much.

Terrific lyric all around. Loved the southern symbols you selected (though grits and gravy was conspicuous by its absence). My favorite part is Ch 2.

In my opinion, a bridge is unnecessary.

I should mention though that most of my favorite songs are non-commercial.

These days its pretty easy and inexpensive to get yourself set up to make a listenable home recording. Hope you do it - would love to hear this.

Scott

p.s. You should use that bit about your uncle in another song. The image of sitting around the table with your stomach growling while you're waiting for him to finish grace is a good one.

hi cue,

his town,

annie

Scott -

Thanks for the kind words. As soon as I get loose I intend to set up to create mp3s. Might even be able to book something for Halloween.

I married a girl from Brooklyn almost 30 years ago, and she still can't make gravy without a mix. I cook a lot.

I have an idea for my uncle with a twist to it. When I finally get it down I'll put it up. Have a good evening...er, morning. I'm going to sack out. I'm way to old to run with you young guys. cue

I'm originally from Brooklyn. What section is she from?

She can't be Italian because all Italian girls know how to cook.

She must be German, Irish and English - and a little Slavic because they don't produce great chefs. The cooking genes were left out of the mix.

I'm Italian and Norwegian.

One group loves to cook and one group loves to eat.

Fatso from Brooklyn.

Love the song. It is going to make you piles of dough.

Barbara grew up a couple of blocks below Prospect Park on Terrace Place. She is half Syrian and half Italian, bakes like a demon, and has way over 100 ribbons from the state fair here to prove it. She is a marvellous cook, makes a pan of biscuits'll make a dead man smack his lips, but cannot learn to make pan gravy from drippings. Or will not. She is big on eating and cheerfully supplies appetite whenever I make gravy.

I am the Irish-English member of the family, going back to a Peter Patrick Butler who came to Georgia from Ireland in 1741 and traded a bolt of linen for a plantation. He never was a great businessmen, and the soil there was so rocky that, if you'll pardon the expression, you couldn't raise hell with an Irishman.

Tell you what, fatso. I'll post a song I wrote in imitation of an old barrelhouse song. I stole the chord pattern almost exactly from Bo Carter, who by that time was way too dead to care too much, and wasn't using it at the time. Stand by.

Big apple- the irish can't cook?

We have a lot of famous chefs from ireland.

Also i know so many italians here in university and one of them set fire to the kitchen by cooking sausage rolls in the microwave. Like thats impossible to do!

i consider myself a great cook aswell