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TV Drama
by Raymond Byabazaire - 08/31/26 09:46 AM
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Weeks
by Gary E. Andrews - 08/29/26 12:08 AM
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Max Ceddo
by Gary E. Andrews - 08/27/26 11:50 PM
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Tin Lung
by Gary E. Andrews - 08/27/26 04:12 PM
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Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 2,387 Likes: 25
Top 200 Poster
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OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 2,387 Likes: 25 |
I have two more verses for this but thought I would get feedback on the first part. (yes I have a melody) but I haven't recorded it yet.
She was standing in the produce isle
And something caught her way off guard
The woman who was screaming
Had her 3 year old by the arm
Left a mark across his face
And in another time and place
She would have walked right by
But this day she’d had enough
Stood her ground and she spoke up
Said lady pick on someone your own size
Chorus
Cus I’ve seen through his eyes and it’s not pretty
I’ve heard all the lines I can recite word for word
There’s no excuse for this and I for one
Just me, will not stand by
Bridge
I can’t and won’t and will not stand by
Watch another suffer while I
Say it’s not my fault or business
If it’s not mine, who’s is it?
"It Mattered to THAT One"
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 7,297 Likes: 175
Top 30 Poster
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Top 30 Poster
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 7,297 Likes: 175 |
He was laying face down in the street
Struggling against a female cop
15 years old with gang tattoos
He kicks, rolls, and gets on top
Grabs her gun and kills her
Then, struck by a familiar face
His mother just walked on by
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,975 Likes: 98
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,975 Likes: 98 |
Hi Kay-lynn,
here are the strengths: clear storytelling, strong moral theme and cinematic imagery. What can be improved: make the chorus imagery as vivid as the verse and tighten a few lines to feel more unique.
I would write "If it's not mine, then whose is it?"
Chorus suggestion: I've seen fear in his eyes and it ain't pretty
Instead of "Said lady pick on someone your own size" think about "Try picking on someone who can fight back" or "You want a fight? Try someone your own size".
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Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 2,387 Likes: 25
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OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 2,387 Likes: 25 |
Good points Rob. Wait til you see the other two verses.. hahha
The reason I wrote "I've seen through his eyes" is because most abused children grow up and recognize it when they see it.
And yeah, not sure I ever liked the "pick on someone your own size" line, but I wanted to keep it simple since the topic is so complicated. However, This actually did happen to me when I was around 18 years old. and I literally yelled at that line at her.
It's very hard not to be preachy.............. but I gotta try.
"It Mattered to THAT One"
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Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,519 Likes: 90
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,519 Likes: 90 |
He was laying face down in the street
Struggling against a female cop
15 years old with gang tattoos
He kicks, rolls, and gets on top
Grabs her gun and kills her
Then, struck by a familiar face
His mother just walked on by My ruling here is that this post is intentionally malacious, and knows exactly the effect it will have….Troll behaviour at its most deviant. penalty: 1 month ban from the site. Auntie Troll doth decree!
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Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,519 Likes: 90
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,519 Likes: 90 |
No argument. It is a good lyric. Your method of drawing attention to it sucks. My judgment stands.
Enjoy your month in exile….muhahaha!
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 7,297 Likes: 175
Top 30 Poster
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Top 30 Poster
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 7,297 Likes: 175 |
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Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,519 Likes: 90
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,519 Likes: 90 |
I’d be guilty of disruption as well…but Kay started a separate thread…smart lady! One step ahead. You are loosing your grip…haha!
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 7,297 Likes: 175
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Top 30 Poster
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 7,297 Likes: 175 |
You just made my list, TROLL!
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Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,519 Likes: 90
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,519 Likes: 90 |
Deflect all you want Mr banned from the site person…haha
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Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,519 Likes: 90
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,519 Likes: 90 |
You just made my list, TROLL! But you can’t out troll auntie troll…bebgone you arse! Haha
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Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,519 Likes: 90
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,519 Likes: 90 |
What’s all that cancel culture shite you have there anyway….you born in a barn, ya stup! Haha.
Banned for two months!,
Last edited by Bill Draper; 03/14/26 02:09 AM. Reason: Cancel not counter
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 7,297 Likes: 175
Top 30 Poster
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Top 30 Poster
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 7,297 Likes: 175 |
I'm about to plant my garden... I'm not gonna' have time for you trolls anyway!
HA!
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1 member likes this:
Bill Draper |
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