JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback A.I. Assisted Music Forum Bruised All Over (with updated track)

What works here and what doesn’t? It’s a revised version of something I wrote a couple of years ago. I'm not sure about it, as the pop-rock genre is out of my usual wheelhouse. I wasn't going to Sunofy the lyric, since I have a possible musical collaborator on board, but decided it would be helpful to hear how the words sound with music in case I needed to drop a syllable or two along the way. The collaborator will go in his own musical direction.

I wrote the lyric.
Suno for music & vocals. I indicated the bpm, the instruments, the mood, male vocalist, where to include backing vocals. For genre, I opted for emo pop-rock.

MAJOR UPDATE: 07 Jan 2026

Bruised All Over

[V1]
Wherever I turn
I’m back in that night
When you held me tight
… Under streetlight halos
…Your eyes had a certain glow
But honesty was nowhere in sight (nowhere in sight)

[Pre-chorus]
It's not my choice
…To hear your voice
In every direction
…See your face in every reflection

[Chorus]
My heart took a beating
Now it's black and blue
…[Pause] Bruised all over
(Yeah, bruised all over)
…Because of you

[V2]
Wherever I turn
I’m still in your web
I can feel your breath
…Wrapped in your mystery
The one thing I didn't know
…The man in your mind was never me (never me)

[Pre-chorus]
It’s not my choice
To hear your voice
In every direction
…See your face in every reflection

[Chorus]
Oh, my heart took a beating
…Now it's black and blue
Bruised all over
(Yeah, bruised all over)
Bruised all over
…Because of you

[Bridge]
Oh, the day will come
When your spell’s undone
… I’ll find a love
That doesn’t leave me used
…Left in a heap, bleeding for you

[Chorus]
Cuz’ my heart took a beating
…It was black and blue
Bruised all over
(Yeah, bruised all over)
Bruised all over


…Yeah, black and blue
But I’ll survive
…[Pause] No more bleeding for you

© 2026 Donna Devine


https://suno.com/s/SGsfELpPBjujc5Gv

Why you saying glow again in v2 . You already said that . find something else to say . Do you say the word hue ? thats all I got

The word we didn't like was 'aglow'. By changing the verb, I was able to change the adjective 'aglow' to a noun - 'had a glow' - which is a perfectly acceptable - and common - way to describe someone: e.g. her face had a glow, her eyes had a glow, etc.

Yes, 'hue' is a word very much used, at least by me and anybody who paints. My other hobby is art.
I know too that emo pop rock uses poetic language, so words like hue - maybe even - aglow - would pass muster.

Anything you can say about the rest of the song?

I got that , but your saying the same thing in v2 , I would say something else. We already know his eyes had a glow in v1 . what else about this person that was attractive to you ? Burning slow is more sexy. its a trap of desire .

Did you try to share that mp3 file? If you so, you have to hit the share button and then copy the link in here.

Thanks, Kay-lynn. The link is now working.

I'm not the narrator. I actually tried your 'burning slow' suggestion but it didn't seem to work. (Though I love the idea of that type of image, but it would need to be worded differently.) I didn't go into details of what the guy loved about the woman because the story's focus is on the aftermath of the relationship, and the effect of the betrayal's damage on the narrator.

I have no problem with a line being repeated in a second verse or all of them if there are more than two. It's often done.
Mind you, if I found a different line that rhymed well, I'd adopt it.

Actually you could use it was a trap of desire , instead of repeating the eye line . Ok it was just suggestions

UPDATE: I've changed a few lines (now in boldface). How does the lyric sound to you now? I haven't re-done the music track, as it was just to give you guys and me a chance to hear the lyric in a pop-rock genre (in this case, emo pop-rock).

My main concern is whether the lyric passes muster.

Hey Donna, don't know how you got that great voice from Suno, but it's pretty kewl. I still think my ear was waiting for the next 4 lines of a chorus. Drive home the point as it were. And how in the heck did you get it to sing the BLUE as Ba Loo that was awesome!

Maybe?


[Chorus]
My heart took a beating
Now it's black and blue
…Bruised all over
(Yeah, bruised all over)
…Because of you

I still feel the pounding
there's nothing I can do
Bruised all over
(yeah, bruised all over)
.. Because of you

Goeden dag Donna

I would look at getting rid of those pesky buts....can often eliminate them entirely and sing through the dropped syllables using longer vowels...

And art you say.....me too. As I am now mostly retired, I turned back to art...actually sold some in galleries, charity auctions and privately.

Most recently I created a music video with my art....You Reap What You Sow....it's up on Youtube
https://www.jpfolks.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/1212575/reap-what-you-sow-final.html#Post1212575

In the meantime, I’ve made more small changes, dropping syllables here and there. Including 2 x 'but'.

Kay-lynn, I was blown away by that singer! The ‘ba-loo’ was a kind of bonus. I think I’m in love with emo pop-rock now. Plan to do a little more investigating.

Because I have a pre-chorus, I didn’t want to make the chorus longer than it is. But I'll consider your suggestion.

Wow! Great that you’re having that kind of success with your art, John.

A few years ago, I had so many pieces of art (largely abstract) lying around, I didn’t know what to do with them. (Didn’t feel they were gallery material.) Then I decided to use them to make jewellery (mainly pendants, earrings, and bracelets). Took a bunch of samples to a local art gallery and an artisan shop in town, and they liked the idea. I’ve been selling jewellery there ever since. Lately, though, I’m working more on pieces of art to hang in my house or give to friends if they want them. Sometimes art references find their way into my lyrics as well. Never a dull moment.

The singer reminded me of a famous group but I couldn't put my finger on it. What prompt did you use to get that vocal?

in the revised version , you got rid of the eye line twice , . You could try a female singing this . You might get more sympathy on the female perspective

The prompt was very basic, as I only wanted to hear whether the words and music could play well together. Imagine what one could get with more in-depth prompting.

Prompt: 115bpm/emo pop rock/male vocals/instruments: piano, electric guitar, bass, drums/mood: angry, hurt, hopeful in bridge.

I plan to update the track using the tweaked lyrics, but I'll just do a cover of the current one.

Yes, it's definitely worth having male and female versions. I'll check that out.

Actually its just my training on country music , Would a guy talk about candle light and all that , A Women would .

A woman would probably tell you to get lost creep.

Your such a phony...

Getting back to the song ...

I decided to create and upload a new track, because I'd made so many minor tweaks to the lyric. Feedback here and elsewhere has been useful (including the suggestion to use 'pale moonlight' instead of 'candlelight'). Sounds fine coming out of the male singer's mouth. I'll do a female version next.

Getting back to the song, it's weak

I had missed this. Sorry. I enjoyed the entire song. Like the music and genre also.


Bruised All Over

[V1]
Wherever I turn
I’m back in that night
When you held me close
In the pale moonlight
…Your eyes had a certain glow
But truth was well out of sight

You have a {PAUSE} in the SUNO lyrics.
I think that it separates moonlight and sight a little too far in time.

[Pre-chorus]
Though not my choice
I still hear your voice
Love these two lines

…In every direction

[Chorus]
My heart took a beating
Now it's black and blue
…Bruised all over
(Yeah, bruised all over)
…Because of you

[V2]
Wherever I turn
I’m still in your web
I can feel your breath
Sense your mystery
…The one thing I didn't know
The man in your mind wasn’t me
]
[Pre-chorus]
Though not my choice
Love these two lines

I still hear your voice


…In every direction

[Chorus]
Oh, my heart took a beating
…Now it's black and blue
Bruised all over
(Yeah, bruised all over)
…Because of you

[Bridge]
Oh, the day will come
When your spell’s undone
…I’ll meet a woman whose love
Is fierce and true
…And finally put an end to you

[Chorus]
Cuz’ my heart took a beating
…Now it's black and blue
Bruised all over
(Yeah, bruised all over)

… Black and blue
The colours of betrayal
Left behind by you

© 2026 Donna Devine

https://suno.com/s/DGhJK4nA9RF5o2Ym[/quote]

That's not a useful critique. Where and how - in your opinion - can the lyric be made better?

Sunset Park, thanks for taking the time to listen and to comment. Much appreciated. If I end up not using a collaborator but sticking with a Suno track, I'll take a look at the pause you mention. I've uploaded a female version in the meantime. Is there anything there that you think could/should be looked at?

Well, if i say, I'll be the bad guy, if you're willing to listen, I'd be happy to share thoughts

Seeing it is easy to change the lyric...maybe try these changes...and yes a male singer.



In the pale moonlight
…Your eyes had a certain glow
while truth was well out of sight...while and well alliterate nively and while "personifies" truth

its not my choice...though not my choice is too formal... and this way is somehow more desperate..
I still hear your voice

My heart's barely beating....those two b's can punch that chorus line out
it's black and blue...and again
…Bruised all over
(Yeah, bruised all over)
…Because of you


some Shayne Vaughan trimming here..."get rid of all extraneous\useless words"....would help to I think

one day will come
with your spell undone


black and blue
colours of betrayal
left behind by you

[i][/i]
I posted the lyric (initially in the lyric feedback forum) in order to get feedback. I did this because emo pop-rock is a new genre for me and I want to get it as right as I can for a first go.

I'm not concerned about the music part. I'll possibly have a human collaborator who'll take the music in his own direction anyway.

I'm assuming you know something about emo pop-rock, so have at it.

I'll look at those additional suggestions, John. Actually, my favourite part of writing a lyric lies in the revising/re-writing, the whittling down to the bare bones, so to speak.

When I click on the female link, it sounds the same track as the male to me.

[i][/i]
That's true, it does. I should have mentioned that my focus is only on getting the lyric into shape. The eventual music might be coming from an actual composer (if he likes the lyric ), and of course he'll take the music in his own direction.

But if I end up needing to use Suno for an end result, I'll make sure there's some distinction between the male and female versions.

Thanks for having another listen.

its just a opinion , what would play out better a man or women , without your insults , that does nothing to songwriting forum

I'm not a huge Emo fan, but I guarantee I know more about Emo than ben and Jerry.

And it's good that you consider genre. .

I dont this is specific to emo. It could be pop countryas much as it could be .emo

Most of all it's generic, that night you pulled me close, has to set the record for most times used in a song
As a. Unknown writerr how do you stand out with that.?

Bruised abd battered leans towards emo, or alt rock, but not sure the verses support that, must have been some nasty stuff going on for yiur heart to be bruised and battered. Like a bad cheating scandal where there a pics and etc.

Sounds like a whimpy man to be saying that, and most men wouldn't allow themselves to say it, due to ego.

Basics, verses are not descriptive or point to the chorus. Hook. Which they should.

What I look for in a song is if the character is really there, or is he just typed words, I'm seeing typed words.

Granted the music is a big part of that but going here strictly by the words.

Write fresh hooks, some interesting lines, and nost of all have conviction.

This character is meh, to me.

OK shoot

Thats crazy Dom , it's just passion on typical relationships , Nothing nasty was going on as you say it. That happens all the time , then the break up and one person is wounded

Thanks for the effort you've put into the critique. I'll go through it carefully tomorrow together with the lyric to determine how much of it is useful or valid.

Meanwhile, I hope others will chime in as well. I'm hoping to wind this one up - one way or the other - by the end of the week.

Bruised and battered heart.

What exactly caused the bruised and battered heart?

its metaphor on the hook , typically on break ups. She could have added exactly what he or she done Treated like a door mat , things of that nature

I know, I'm playing devils advocate, quite aware what it's saying, but in reality means nothing on its own, the rest of lyric doesn't support it.


Bruised and battered??

Sometimes you have to just please yourself Donna. If you like it, that's all that matters . Asking the peanut gallery is not always helpful (wink)... Let me know when you post a final music/lyric.

Yes exactly please yourself, while posting it on a public forum, looking for reviews.

See immediately a critique leads to a pissing match.

yup

No worries, Kay-lynn (and Fdemetrio). I'll work on the lyric until I feel it's where I want - or need - it to be. On the basis of feedback given here and elsewhere, I've already made several adjustments since posting. Par for the course.

That's an exceptional answer, and totally within your rights. If you see no value in it, there's nothing wrong with that.

I like you. Are you single?

I don't think its a dating site Dom

Here we go. John, I swapped ‘though’ for ‘It’s’ in the pre-chorus. I agree, ‘though’ was too formal. Had to reinstate ‘but’ in V1, however, because I changed that line.

Fdemetrio, I disagree that the verses aren’t descriptive and don’t point to the chorus. The narrator describes the feelings he experienced beginning with that night. And the betrayal is already implied in V1, line 6.

The hook/image in the chorus is strong. ‘Black and blue’ may be a generic term, but emo thrives on familiarity and visceral imagery. Emo songs use standard phrases, even ones that may sound like chichés. Poetic language is also used (which makes my heart happy ).

The useful takeaway from your critiqe, though, was that the lyric would benefit from being punchier, i.e. less generic/poetic. On going through the lyric again, I realised it needed more defiance. And because emo pop likes surprises, I don’t mind that the new metering and rhyme schemes vary in the second half of each verse. (The vocalist handled that OK. If necessary, I can look later for a better solution.)

I’ve replaced words/lines with ones that – I think – are fresher (i.e. less abstract), more interesting, and have more conviction. The result isn’t perfect, but is a little closer to the vibe I was after. I think the narrator feels more realistic.

I’ve put up a new track. But at this point, the music and performance aren’t important. My focus is on fine-tuning the lyric before handing it to a collaborator or leaving it to Suno to work its magic with more comprehensive prompts. For one thing, I’d like the song to end abruptly on a note of defiance when the last two lines are sung.