JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Forbidden Fruit.

https://soundcloud.com/artwhimsically-yours/forbidden-fruit


We said for better or worse,
I’m sure that doesn’t include
me finding you with my best friend
in the nude acting lewd,.
So don’t be begging my pardon
in our garden of love,
you tasted forbidden fruit
denied on earth and above……

Trading trust into lust
while I still thought you loved me.
you’ve turned us into a modern
day Adam and Eve…..
tempted to dally with treats
from my ex-friends family tree
you put the famine in family
and it’s time that you leave!

You were the apple of my eye
the Blossom I picked to share
all the rest of my life
but now we’re going nowhere
I caught you both in “Our” bed
I kicked his ass he dared bare
Go on get out of my life
Find someplace else and go there…..

Go trade his trust into lust
while he still thinks you love him,
Bring him the pain you brought me
and then he’ll know where I’ve been,
He’ll know you scavenge your love
from other family trees
putting the end into girlfri-end
until he too turns and leaves.

You’ll wind up lonely and old
with a little black book,
documenting all the family trees
that you came and shook,
With no one in it to call
cause they all took the fall,
while you were out behind their back
and having a Ball.

Then you’ll remember how it was so nice
Living with me in paradise

Ok you caught her banging your best friend , weaving thru a barrage of lyrics . Ok you win , she's a whore , you're living happy ever after.
check , check , got it



But songs should be conversational and easy to understand , This is not.

Yeah, id have to agree with Ben.

It's also not very believable in that the rhymes like .

In the nude acting lewd....

So don’t be begging my pardon
in our garden of love,

Not understanding the family tree bit

Basically it's a guy loses love, sees her with another guy, and predicts what will happen to him.

Common theme, you tried to make it different.

But rhyming just to rhyme is not a good rule.

Say what you have to say, rhyme later..

Good to see you posting here, you should respond to other songs here, not just your own

Don't listen to these A-holes, Matt...

I'm just glad to see AI is leading you to write with more structure and rhythm

I actually like the "begging my pardon" line

Yeah, listen to Japov, hell make you better.

The melody is run on and as weak as lyric.

In the end were being more helpful

Right the religious political man and fairy tales ,listen to dead Tony. wtf does Javon mean your Tony

I think it means... Just Another Pile of Vomit

....

Yeah yours. I called you , you chicken [naughty word removed] , hiding behind pictures Tony in Georgia. the crazy dead man WTF does that mean ? I gave a critique , you called me a asshol .

Ben, Japov is so full of [naughty word removed].

It's one thing to be supportive , to praise when you don't really believe it shines through, is worse than saying it sucks

Certain exceptions of course. I wouldn't tell some kid his joke or song or poem stinks. They have time to get there, if I could steer in right direction I will

Somebody writing for first time, somebody writing a song for wife or son or daughter

But if you post alot here, your one of us. Nobody was mean

But I don't know what point of posting is, if you already know it's great....

But Japov does not actually believe his is good, so who is worse?

Conversational and easy to understand!? SERIOUSLY, ELVIS!?

You two can insult me all you like... But Matt has never tried to cancel me.

Matt is a lot better than you, Dom. Smarter too..

No, it was you trying to cancel us

Lol... Democrat much?

No offense, Matt

Yes Conversational Tony , it weaves thru unless information, Cancel you ? what are you talking about man ? silly . lol. Get to the point , Eve never had sex with the Devil , it was book of knowledge , nothing to do with sex . His GF was a whore and cheated on him . What paradise ? He'll get a new GF ,

Two things will always thrill me
Pretty women and straight whiskey

Laser lights and disco balls
Smoke machines and neon walls
Sub-bass rattling in my brain
I'm not impressed at all


that's conversational

He's also what you call reporting , she knows that already, she's standing right there . The way to fix that is to talk to us. (she )said for better or worse

you don't say . you walked to the store . she walked to the store . AI and throwing a guitar away , can't fix that. Right you walk in and see your best friend banging your wife . I think WTF are you doing is more in in order , not I beg your pardon. laugh in your face , your like Eve , He's bending your wife over , what would you really Say ? you fuking bitch , is what you'd say, Again Eve did not have sex with a snake , she got the book of knowledge , That's where the fairy tale went sideways. Fruit was involved


Now you have the book of knowledge , don't report .

What the Hell kind of a crap Spewing circus was this. Who died and left you two the critique demons from hell. First of all I have posted hundreds of comments in my time here. I have only posted two of my songs here since JPF came back into service. So pull your head out of your high horses ass on that complaint.You better hope I don't write a book of foul and nasty critiques on your posts. But why would I waste my time in a word war with two hacks. I write the way I write for my listeners who enjoy the rhyme, the play on words and the story. If you don't like it move on or leave constructive criticism not attacks. You come off as
So called experts playing bully. Then you attack Japov in an even worse way for defending my song that he likes. Please don't darken my comments box anymore. Go and try to find someone who even gives a [naughty word removed] about your angsty opinions.

And that goes for you as well Fdemetrio or whatever the spelling is. My apathy towards both of you sucks but I don't care. You both tend to bulldoze your critiques instead of rebuilding the writers opinion.

One opinion. . Yours does not amount to much against the hundreds of listeners who liked this song already. You can't school me to change my style when I have had over four million hits, and thousands of listeners who love my story telling. Why the hell am I even bothering to reply. You are just one angst listener who prefers conversational songs. So go have a conversation with yourself and leave me to my methods that work.

My comment to you was this
It's also not very believable in that the rhymes like .
In the nude acting lewd....

So don’t be begging my pardon
in our garden of love,

Not understanding the family tree bit

Basically it's a guy loses love, sees her with another guy, and predicts what will happen to him.
Common theme, you tried to make it different.
But rhyming just to rhyme is not a good rule.

Say what you have to say, rhyme later..

Good to see you posting here, you should respond to other songs here, not just your own


If that is mean, uncalled for, vicious, unproductive then you are a giant snow flake .

I think bens came from fact that you just ignore other songs and post this,as if nobody else deserves to be listened to.

Nice one MFB III. I liked lots here....this verse in particular:

Go trade his trust into lust
while he still thinks you love him,
Bring him the pain you brought me
and then he’ll know where I’ve been,
He’ll know you scavenge your love
from other family trees
putting the end into girlfri-end
until he too turns and leaves.


I think AI music ap really responds well to smooth metered lyric writing...and I really liked the music here...worked really well. The vocals are AI-ish...so meh. Ai messed up with pronouncing Girl - FRI....lol funny.

Brian has a seperate board for AI assisted.

Don't mind Bennash....he bounces off post to inspire his own writing.
Cheers
Bill

Hey Bill, thanks, I appreciate your comment. I hate the mispronouncing. Sometimes it's my spelling though. I won't pay Bennash any of my mind at all. He should get a punching bag. We are not here for his creative frustrational bounces...lol

Ok, so what are we here for?. What would be your response if somebody else posted this?

https://soundcloud.com/artwhimsically-yours/forbidden-fruit
"Forbidden Fruit" Copyright MFB III Nov. 8, 2024

(This Title is a 'choice', a Songwriter's Judgment Call, as opposed to a summary Line of Lyric that sums up what the whole Lyric is all about, usually Repeated a minimum of three times, with more Repetition driving it home as the Title for the listener's 'education' as to what to go looking for with money in their pocket. It's a practice common among poets, and Songwriters are poets, presenting their poetry in Lyrical form, in Prosody with Melody. So... that's... okay.)
(Introductory Movement 0:00 - 0:15)

(Verse I) (0:16) (I think all of this is Verse I, in two Stanzas on the written page, but all 'setting the scene',
introducing the Conflict Complaint of the Singer-Character,
introducing the Love-Interest Character,
and introducing the Other Character, the love triangle Conflict which is an interesting story-telling device.
The last Line of the Second Stanza does a Pre-Chorus 'lift', Melodically expressing the more urgent emotion of the coming of the Chorus.)
(Verse I)
We said for better or worse,
I’m sure that doesn’t include
me finding you with my best friend
in the nude acting lewd,.
So don’t be begging my pardon
in our garden of love,
you tasted forbidden fruit
denied on earth and above……

Trading trust into lust
while I still thought you loved me.
you’ve turned us into a modern
day Adam and Eve…..
tempted to dally with treats
from my ex-friends family tree
you put the famine in family
and it’s time that you leave!

(I'd label these two Stanzas the Chorus 0:46 - )
You were the apple of my eye
the Blossom I picked to share
all the rest of my life
but now we’re going nowhere
I caught you both in “Our” bed
I kicked his ass he dared bare
Go on get out of my life
Find someplace else and go there….. (By 1:00 in you should have arrived or be within seconds of arriving at THE Hook, the Title concept you want the 'consumer' to remember.0

Go trade his trust into lust
while he still thinks you love him,
Bring him the pain you brought me
and then he’ll know where I’ve been,
He’ll know you scavenge your love
from other family trees
putting the end into girlfri-end
until he too turns and leaves. (1:16)

(1:16 - 1:23) (Instrumental Bridge) (Same function as a Lyrical Bridge, to break potential Monotony of the Repetition to supply Structure, with Change, to renew listener interest.)

(Verse II?)
Go trade his trust into lust
while he still thinks you love him,
Bring him the pain you brought me
and then he’ll know where I’ve been,
He’ll know you scavenge your love
from other family trees
putting the end into girlfri-end
until he too turns and leaves.

You’ll wind up lonely and old
with a little black book,
documenting all the family trees
that you came and shook,
With no one in it to call
cause they all took the fall,
while you were out behind their back
and having a Ball.
(1:55 -
Then you’ll remember how it was so nice
Living with me in paradise (Living With Me In Paradise might be a more likely Title. It does get Repeated once.)
(1:58 - 2:29 Instrumental Bridge)

(Repeat Chorus) (2:30)
You were the apple of my eye
the Blossom I picked to share
all the rest of my life
but now we’re going nowhere
I caught you both in “Our” bed
I kicked his ass he dared bare
Go on get out of my life
Find someplace else and go there…..

Go trade his trust into lust
while he still thinks you love him,
Bring him the pain you brought me
and then he’ll know where I’ve been,
He’ll know you scavenge your love
from other family trees
putting the end into girlfri-end
until he too turns and leaves.

(Coda) (Final Musical Movement, spoken, recitation, effective in sustaining listener Hook Factor)
You’ll wind up lonely and old
with a little black book,
documenting all the family trees
that you came and shook,
With no one in it to call
cause they all took the fall,
while you were out behind their back
and having a Ball.

Then you’ll remember how it was so nice
Living with me in paradise (3:30)

(How in the hillbilly hell do you get all that in in a radio-friendly 3 minutes and 30 seconds? I salute your... or someone's... or some thing's... efficiency of execution.)
(I like to unclutter Lines in the singer's mouth by deleting 'and', 'but', 'cause' connector words writers employ but listeners don't need. Little things matter and omission of some of those might give a singer a chance to breathe, give the other words space to be enunciated clearly, 'sent' to be better able to be 'received'. Word meanings have Hook Factor. Only about 10% of the public can carry a tune, I read somewhere. But most of them can 'get' the words and be Hooked with the Storyline, so delivery, Communication, sent/received, is of strategic importance.
Those Instrumental Bridges are some nice licks. Those Pre-Chorus lifts are simple but effective. The Change in what I'm labeling your Chorus works to break the Repetition, sustain listener Hook Factor, keep 'em listenin'. )

But what about the rebels?

It was not your aggressive critique that I objected to as much as the tedious attack on Japov that you and Bennash unleashed on my comment box. Most of which had nothing to do with my song. Every writer has a style unique to other styles. You are into conversational lyrics. Good for you. I actually perused some of your songs. I concentrate on telling stories, using some word play and my listeners and followers come back again and again for those stories. What might seem trite to you is very entertaining to the non- musical masses. They are who I write for, not other musicians who feel they must follow industry standards i.e. conversational lyrics. Then you or Bennash attacked me for not posting comments without even researching the fact that I have posted hundreds of comments on JPF. Others who have been here as long as I have will attest to that fact. I hope this helps as it is in a conversational style.

Gary, wow, thank you for a most detailed and helpful critique.You must be doing that for a living.

Sadly with AI if I re-edit this song and re-record it the music and vocals will not be the same.
But I will use your sound advice on this song if I can get some band mates to duplicate the original music.

I will also use your tips in future songs.

Thanks again.

Go start a musical insurrection but not on my page.

My reply is further down the page. Scroll on.

It was not an agressive critique. Not even close.

Japov said don't listen to them assholes . Asvif we conspired to attack you

He has been off the site and back every day, tries to make the forum a religious political rally

Apparently he ran Marty off the site.

Your late to the party you dint know what preceded what.

Look we need more people posting songs. This is a weak song,v doesn't mean your not going to write good stuff.

Stop worrying about everybody else, the matter at hand was this song.

Next time you both should check out my seven years or longer here. Screw you both on thinking I did not and haven't posted comments on others works. I seemed to notice that bennash and you have the most spaces occupied on the mp3 forum.
Maybe you should practice what you are preaching.

Your song sucks, plain and simple

Why don't you look at
a few of your weak songs and I'll be on my way. I have spent way too much time on the both of you.
Have a lovely career.

Ah, the monopolizing the mp3 form got your dander up hey. I am dome with you so save yourself some time and go write some more vague conversational songs...yawn

Lol...

They would be Great.

But you will continue fighting regardless of what I say. So, this song sucks

Japov wants a new name, but he'll stay anyway

Wow the toddler won't stop whining....

And your opinion belongs in a commode.....where I am flushing it as well as anymore yakking with you.

Yes, but if you behave, you can still redeem yourself.

First thing I'd do is write something better than this [naughty word removed] right here see

I HAVE CHOSEN TO IGNORE FDEMETRIA OR WHOEVER HE WAS. I don't need angsty whiners posting the next novel of war and peace in my
Comments box.

The rest of us will still see him though...

That's really sad. .lol

I gave my views , listen or don't, your reporting , read a song writing book , Use more AI bullshit. I guess nobody plays guitar besides Tony , the rest of you push buttons on sell out Suno. you don't use session players , u push buttons .

It was not the critique it was your attitude of condescension. There are all types of music out there not just your conversational style. My thousands of listeners like my story songs and my rhymes and my plays on words. You don't. So what. That's your perrogative. But then you told me to post more comments??? You don't even know me but I have posted hundreds if not 2 thousand or more comments on this site since I joined. Who the hell counts them anyway.I posted 4 or 5 today, I even checked out some of your many songs listed along with Fdermatia or whatever his name was. I had to put him on my ignore list because he kept telling me that my song which has pulled over 1,000 full plays sucks. It doesn't suck, it's just not in his style. But my listeners who are not picky, industry rules only, musicians enjoyed the hell out of it. He didn't like it, so what. And then he spent 12 comment boxes on calling Japov names and harassing me. I don't want his endless blabbering at the bottom of my song. You at least backed off and came back with your repeated belief in a song only being conversational which is your style. But don't expect me to copy it. Have a successful career, conversating away in your tunes and your career.

4000 posts and you still can't write a song , your post is like your songs , to long . I'd find a new outlet , novels perhaps .

Also for your information, I have written over a thousand songs on guitar with my vocals. I useAI because Studio cost have gotten ridiculous.for $10.00 a month I can create a song with any combination of instruments, I can have a female vocalist for ladies view songs that I write. I can write a song on my guitar, and then send the track to AI and they enhance it with back up singers, harmonies, synthesizers, any other instruments I want and package it for distribution all for $10.00 monthly. I can create with my lyrics up to 250 songs per month. Try doing that in any other studio.I also can re-record until it is perfect, edit it
and when it is done own all of the rights to it except for crediting suno for thier part. So it is beneficial and it is the future.I understand and sympathize with your hating it but studios have been ripping us off for years. The only thing I can get Iin a recording studio session for 10 bucks is a cup of coffee.

ok , fair enough , My asshol button is on today . Still seems long to me per radio friendly

There are people here who study songwriting, work on craft, try to improve. It's not many, many want praise for whatever [naughty word removed] they put out.

Does it mean we know everything,? No, but if two people both said your song was lacking, perhaps it's worth revisiting.

Stop with the balionga statistics,

They mean nothing. And would not change that from a craft standpoint , this stinks .

And stop kissing japovs ass, he deserves the treatment, even the owner of this site is tired of his bullshit


Brian Austin Whitney Offline OP
Top 10 Poster
Originally Posted by JAPOV
Hmmmmm,
Really makes me wonder why you deleted my "MATH" thread...

Nothing has been deleted. Some stuff gets moved, some stuff gets combined. You ran off Martin for good. I am in no mood for whining. Since he was our second biggest donor this