JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 2 Bad Luck And Trouble

This is a work in progress. Any comments or suggestions are welcome and appreciated.

Bad Luck And Trouble

I was born a child to these dirty streets
‘Neath the shadows of gray factory walls
A kid from the wrong side of the tracks
Prayin’ they wouldn’t be my downfall

Chorus
Ain’t nothin’ but hardships and hard falls
I was raised with my back to the wall
Try’n to climb out from under the rubble
Down at the crossroads of
Bad luck and trouble (2x)

I’m livin’ like a man on borrowed time
I think the one thing that scares me the most
Is the feeling that I’m losing the light
Edging too close to my own ghost

Bridge
Whistling past the graveyard all my life
Shadowboxing the things
That go bump in the night
Waltzing with the devil
Under a blood moon sky

Chorus

That reads very good to me. What type of music do you hear in the lines.

story-line wise, I hesitated on the last two lines, but the music might solve that.

Bill

Not sure about the music yet; maybe something in the Springsteen genre.

Agree about the last 2 lines. May replace those two lines but haven't come up with anything yet.

Thanks for checking this out.

But it is the bridge afterall....so writer goes for big drama. "waltzing" seems like the battle is lost....maybe "fencing" or and the blood mention hints just how well that is going...lol

These are just my personal preferences


...I would say “At the corner of
Bad luck and trouble”

“I’m living my life on borrowed time” ... where possible don’t use similes
“The one thing that scares me the most... you don’t need “I think”
Is the feeling I’m losing the light.... you don’t need “that”
Edging too close to my ghost” .... I wouldn’t put “own” in

Excellent writing here

Steve

Thanks, Steve. I appreciate you taking the time to offer suggestions. It's a work in progress so nothing is cast in concrete.

Your Structure seems odd.
Verse I would have its Melody.
The Chorus would have its Melody, different from the Verse.
Verse II would 'Repeat' the Melody of Verse I.
If you follow that single 'giving' of the Chorus with a Bridge, instead of the Chorus, the Bridge with its own Melody, that third 'variation' may lose listeners because the Structure is 'Too Much' Change/not 'Enough' Repetition. A B A C B Structure.
Song Structures can be very 'flexible' in this regard. Only hearing it would enable that Judgment Call.
A Structure of A B A B C B is typically more memorable. Verse I, Chorus, Verse II, Chorus, Bridge, Chorus.
Some Lines seem a little 'clumsy' in the Rhythm. Those will probably smooth out in the execution.

"Bad Luck And Trouble" Copyright 5-17-24 By rpirone

Verse I
I was born a child, to these dirty streets,
‘neath the shadows of gray fact'ry walls,
a kid from the wrong, side of the tracks,
Prayin’ they won’t, be my downfall.

Chorus
Ain’t nothin’ but hardship, and hard falls.
I was raised, with my back to the wall (I had a Line in a Song, "We grew up with our backs against the wall")
try’n to climb out from under the rubble, (Maybe 'crawl' instead of 'climb'.)
Down at the crossroad,
of Bad Luck And Trouble.
Down at the crossroad,
of Bad Luck And Trouble.

Verse II
I’m livin’ like a man, on borrowed time!
I think the one thing that scares me the most (If there's one thing, that scares me the most,)
Is the feeling that I’m losing the light (it's the feeling that, I'm losing the light,)
edging too close, to my (very) own ghost!

Chorus
Ain’t nothin’ but hardship, and hard falls.
I grew up with my back to the wall!
try’n to crawl, out from under the rubble,
Down at the crossroad,
of Bad Luck And Trouble.
Down at the crossroad,
of Bad Luck And Trouble.

Bridge
Whistling past the graveyard all my life,
shadowboxing the things,
that go bump in the night,
waltzing with the devil,
under a blood moon sky!

Chorus
Ain’t nothin’ but hardship, and hard falls.
I was raised, with my back to the wall
try’n to climb out from under the rubble,
Down at the crossroad,
of Bad Luck And Trouble.
Down at the crossroad,
of Bad Luck And Trouble.
Down... at the crossroad...
of Bad Luck And Trouble.

(The above Structure gives you seven 'hits' on THE Hook, the Title Line, making it more memorable.)

Below: (Flipping some Lines around, experimentally. A Bridge, ideally, is brief. It simply serves the function of breaking Repetition with Change, a variant Melody/Rhythm/Rhyme Scheme, enabling a final giving of the Chorus without Monotony.)

Bridge
I whistle past the graveyard,
in fear of my life,
shadowboxing the things,
that go bump in the night!
I waltz with the devil,
under a blood moon sky!

(Here, then, would be the final giving of the Chorus. However, you could simplify, and keep the Song shorter, perhaps short 'Enough' for radio, by just Repeating the Title Line, not the whole Chorus, as below.)

Bridge
I whistle past the graveyard,
in fear of my life,
shadowboxing the things,
that go bump in the night!
I waltz with the devil,
under a blood moon sky!

Coda (Final Musical Movenment)
Down at the crossroad,
of Bad Luck And Trouble.
Down... at the crossroad...
of Bad Luck And Trouble.

Gary, thanks so much for the input. This is still a work in progress but I especially like your take on the chorus emphasizing the hook. I'll definitely be addressing that with the rewrite. Your advice is very much appreciated.

This is really good. its filled with great wordplay and images.

I like waltzing with he devil,
I also would like 'sneaking past the devil' 'trading punches with the devil' or 'trying to dodge the devil'