JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Will This Become A Song Someday

I liked it. I heard it as a funk tune. I didn't care for the tone of the electronic bass; just personal preference, I prefer a more bassy tone.
Yes, good start, carry on!
-Mike

Well... If you can afford studio time, anything will become a song lol...

Focus on your lyrics and melody! Then, the music will just happen

There's literally 10's of thousands of lyrics begging for melody on this site by the way... Just sayin'

Good rhythm, definitely the start of something.

"You’re in Nashville ? Well no doubt about that. I think you could swing a cat... and hit 99,000- songwriters. about 98,000 would be 25- years old
The other 1,000 have been there 25- years : They're at the end of the bar complaining " :Three chords and the truth still don't rhyme with (Business' World).' "They keep telling themselves : "My next (tragedy) is going to be the best song ever written" , If we live that long.

"A Bible -Belt-Roulette wheel: all hoping it lands on their number”. "21 words and a melody: could be worth a million dollars : In "Thou shall gamble Dixie Baby". "The on-going fight: Jokers-Wild and Gentle- Jesus": Demo stands for (Demolition Derby)." "Gold -miners : But like Sutters -Mill.... the shovel salesman made most the money"

Thank You for the Comment --- I Always appreciate the encouragement

I was playing around with FM 8 (That's a Native Instruments VSTI Bass) I liked the Bass Part I wrote but you're 100% Right, that Bass Tone has gotta change !!!!!

THANK YOU for the listen and for the feedback !!!!!


David

bennash


HA HA HA --- You have a GREAT Sense of Humor (or a GREAT Grip on Reality) !!!!


THANK YOU for the listen and for the Comment. I write Full Time here in Nashville an I LOVE what you wrote. I'm gonna share that with people because it's Funny, Insightful and True !!!


Warm Regards,

David

Well I'm glad you have a sense of humor DD.

"Last time I was in Nashville.... the publisher that gave Carrie Underwood "Jesus Take The Wheel"
Was doing a strip tease listening to our shitty songs. One of them greet and meet deals.
Looking back "Jesus take the wheel": did make our songs sound pretty bad"
"That meet and greet was hosted by (Kye Flemming) : She had numerous hits in the 70ties and 80ties".
"She had a site called (Song - Journey) . it only lasted a few years , she might of got tired of listening to bad songs" (I'm assuming of course)"
"Fast foreword to now , Ashley Gorley with 60 hits now works for Sony as a Staff- writer: Maybe its keeping the money close to vest so to speak".
"
"Lets get back on the jokes . "So Maren Morris is leaving country music... due to drama: Does she actually think L.A and Pop music will be less (dramatic) ?"

Yeah, Maren Morris left Country --- until you listen to her New Album and it's ALL COUNTRY.

I haven't liked anything she's done since Busbey died. There are plenty of people who will take her place in Country !!!!

The Weather is much nicer in L.A. than in Nashville so she'll like that. We'll probably see her in a Movie or on a Reality Show.

David

Reality Show. lol . probably David . Why would she care on Aldean's wife ? Really silly stuff.
"I just pop open say hits 8/23 on youtube , See what they're doing , study a few .
Haven't heard her in awhile" "I watched Oliver Anthony... and his story"

She's a Celebrity and they have their own goals and their own problems. She's probably trying to Transition over to POP like Taylor Swift did but Taylor Swift is a MUCH better writer than Maren Morris and much more popular and likable to the Public.

Maren Morris is more of a Dixie Chicks type story. Very Popular and then you shoot your mouth off and you shoot yourself in the foot and Country Radio will Never Play your music again. Sad but true reality to the real world. Not sure what her next step will be ... Probably Reality TV or Rehab or Both.

David

Yes Taylor Swift on her on going affairs... and write how they did me wrong and make millions doing it" .
"Net worth 750 -million". She can put on Victoria Secret out- fits on , but still looks like the (Girl ) next door to me".
"I'm in re -hab ...Nicotine- gum . I feel like the Chinese in a opium- den in 1862 lighting one up"
"I want to thank the Cartel Tobacco farmers : God bless America and coffins" "Your southern charm is over whelming with angina"
"You've killed more people than Pablo Escobar and Chappo" Ya'll .

Yes, easily. Obviously you'd need probably two more sections.

I agree with Japovs, melody supercedes everything, but many people write track first. Depends what your genre is, and I think once I finish my singer songwriter stuff I'm going to try writing this way

Great start, I like how it builds on the initial theme.

Reminds a bit of 80's stuff like Steve Winwood, higher love or something, broken wings, Mr Mr

Long way to go for that, but its a start

And yes, nice to have pro studio in your hands

Enjoyed, worth working on, maybe offer it up as a challenge, let people here write a melody and lyric to it

I'm pretty confident I could knock this out of the park

Dom,
Are you able to record VOX?
Perhaps the three of us could whip something together here

Yeah I can record vocals, but the song ain't written yet....

It's got one section, don't think there's even a verse there, seems like us an opening groove, which should thin out to sing a verse, the structure can go various places.

This aint done

David,
Do you have a lyric idea for Dom?

Walking deserted towns
In my lonely soul
I’m dead like wood on this guitar
I only come alive in run down bars
I got the heart of a ghost
And nobody’s home


Verses she left
Could be just a blues song

Lol, how do you write a lyric, to a verse, chorus and bridge that don't exist yet.

I already have a melody, wouldn't fit that lyric, but the lyric would come once I knew what the music was doing.

Well... firstly, what's the "mood" of the music telling you?

When I listen to this, broken hearted in a haunted dive bar doesn't come to mind... Unless you're the "Ghost Busters"

With a little editing, this could work;
https://www.jpfolks.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/1191300/imagine-how-youd-feel.html#Post1191300

It’s just a idea , Ghost ideas are always fun
If you can say it different than a billion other ghost ideas
“Heart Of A Ghost”
Some movie last night
Let’s make some ghosts
the line was good , the movie sucked

I like Taylor Swift -- I have a lot of her early work tapes from writing sessions that a friend gave me. They're a lot of fun to list to. You can hear "The Girl Next Door" really working hard at Songwriting. She's earned that 750 Million Dollars !!!!

David

Fdemetrio


I do a lot of "Song Starts" like this for my writing sessions here in Nashville and I send them to different writing teams that I work with and if it sparks an idea for them, then that's great. I sent this track to one of my daughters and I'm hoping that she likes it and writes to it. She's in Graduate School here in Tennessee and more into Science than into Music but I keep trying to get her interested in Songwriting.

THANK YOU for the Listen and for the Comment !!!
David

Yup working real well David … at 750 net worth at 33 years old . "So she'll retire with 4 billion "
Liz Rose was her mentor , pro writer years ago .

Alot of people write tracks to put a song on, Paul Simon dud pretty good with it. And I hear ya, my niece and nephew both got guitars for Christmas one year, with the exciting idea if me teaching them. Well, not only dud they not wanna listen to me, their interest faded in literally a few days.

Good thing too, such smart kids, they dud just fine for themselves.

A 'Musical Composition' of any genre commences with whatever sounds are delivered to the listener first, an 'Introductory Movement'.
The function of an Introductory Movement is simply to get the listener's attention, and sustain that attention until the next 'Movement' commences.
Those sounds have 'Hook Factor'. The words, when they commence, should have 'Hook Factor', getting and sustaining listener attention.

For a 'Song', meaning a Composition with a 'Lyric' to be 'sung', the next Movement may be a Chorus, or a Verse.

Actually, for any Composition, Instrumental or vocal, even rap, I recommend attention to that 'Structure', perceiving the various Movements typical of a 'sung' work, Intro., Verses, Choruses, Repetition and Change, a Bridge if necessary, and a final Movement, a Coda.

The 'sounds' of the Intro., Introductory Movement, may continue unchanged into that next Movement, or may change dramatically, to accommodate the Vocal execution, the Melody of the Lyric, the dynamics of 'Change'.

An Introductory Movement need only be long 'Enough' to accomplish that 'Hooking' of attention function. It may be as little as seven seconds, as much as fourteen seconds, but, ideally, not much longer. Singers, Songwriters, often miss their cue and 'Repeat' the Intro., making it twice as long as necessary to serve that function.

Someone wrote the 'rule', "Don't bore us! Get to the Chorus!"

Again, some Songs open with the Chorus, then go to a Verse to do the 'Exposition' of the 'Storyline' that the Chorus Lyrical content implies.
If the Song 'Structure' is Intro. and next to Verse, that Exposition sets up for the Lyrical Content of the Chorus, the third Musical Movement in the Composition.
1. Introductory Movment
2. Verse
3. Chorus

A common complaint among Song 'Screeners', listening to submissions by aspiring artists, or submissions for Publishing to other artists and their management, is that the Verse and Chorus sound too much alike, "Not 'Enough' contrast between Verse and Chorus." A Song must have 'Enough' Repetition to supply Structure, Enough 'Change' to keep it interesting.

How long is 'Long Enough' for an Intro.?
How long is 'Long Enough' for the next Movement, be it Chorus or Verse?

The other degrees on the 'Enough' continuum are 'Not Enough' and 'Too Much'. "Don't bore us! Get to the Chorus!"

I read a Producer quoted, saying, "If you haven't done something interesting in 47 seconds I quit listening."
A Song Screener told of driving down the road popping submission cassettes into a small player, and if you didn't 'Hook' his interest in 19 seconds, he popped you out and the next submission in.

It has to do with the Human attention span, and the demands of terrestrial radio, where they play music, and pay Royalties, not as a presentation of Art, but as a device to keep you listening 'Long Enough' for them to play the Commercial Advertising that pays the bills. So they like short Songs.

People cite long Songs as a guide that their Songs are not 'Too Much', like "Stairway To Heaven" an "Hotel California", and the latter's one minute Introductory Movement as justification for their own 'excesses'. I say, "Yeah. Write Songs like that and play them like that and you can get played on radio $$$ too."

But if your Song isn't a masterpiece like those, your chances of getting played, paid and listened to are better with short Intro's. and just 'Enough' Lyrical delivery to get to the 'Change' of dynamics of the next Movement, Into. to Verse or Chorus, Verse or Chorus to next Movement, be it Verse or Chorus.

By 19 seconds in, or less, you should be to the second component. By 47 seconds in you should be to the Title Line, THE Hook, the main idea of the Lyrical Storyline.
The listener should hear that Line, 'get it' as a summary idea in the Story.

It may be a 'Refrain', a single Line of Lyric and the Melody to which it is sung, that ends each Verse, a 'Refrain-Type' Chorus.
It may be one of the several Lines of Lyric in a 'Stanza-Type' Chorus.

The first Line may be forgotten by the time the Chorus ends. The last Line is left ringing in the listener's ears, so may be ideal as the position for THE Hook.

THE Hook/Title Line should Repeat a minimum of three times, with more better because it 'drives' home' that Line as the main idea of the Song, making it 'memorable', remember-able, ear-worm-ish, insisting on being heard and remembered.

These are some of the Songwriter's 'Judgment Calls'. Songwriters make them, usually unconsciously, inspired by their own sense of what is 'Enough' and when it is 'Time' for the next Movement.
Listeners will make their own Judgment Calls about whether they like or are moved by the Lyrical content, the Melody to which it is sung, and whether they 'get it', get the summary significance you intend that Line to mean in the overall Storyline, and whether it is 'memorable' or 'forgettable'.

You, as the Songwriter, are the first 'listener'. You make those Judgment Calls, consciously or unconsciously.

What we're talking about then is 'Structure'. Do you 'Compose' a Structure the listener can relate to, a Lyric they 'get' and are entertained by, a Melody they can't help singing along with?
On the 'Enough' continuum, your Judgment, is the Introductory Movement Too Long, not Long Enough, or Enough?
Is the timing of getting to the next Movement Enough, Too Much, Not Enough?
Is the next Movement, be it Verse or Chorus, Enough, Too Much, Not Enough?

Songwriters enjoy 'emoting', singing their Lyric, playing their instrument, and their Judgment may be influenced by their own enjoyment, so guarding against that with attention to what other listeners will experience is necessary.

Songwriters enjoy writing, so they often get verbose, 'wordy', and it becomes Too Much, more than Enough.
Melody tends to become 'Monotonous', mono = one, tone. The listener drifts off to other thoughts.

This Composition is very Introductory Movement oriented, in my Judgment, and gets my attention. About 7 to 14 seconds in I'm ready for the next Movement.
By about the time this recording ends I would be ready for the Change of dynamics of the next Movement, the third Movement, Intro., Verse, Chorus. or Intro., Chorus, Verse.

So any sounds can commence a Composition, 'Introduce' the Composition.
Timing for Change, Repetition to supply demanded Structure listeners can relate to, continue to be 'Hooked' on, when and how to 'Change', all demand Judgment Calls on the part of the first listener, you, the Songwriter.

Not knowing you are making Judgment Calls works. Your 'sense' of timing, emotive qualities of your Melody, word meanings, all go into creation of a Song. You didn't have to 'think' about it; you just did it. It came out that way and 'felt' right.
Conscious examination of those factors can enable you to stop 'Boring us' and 'Getting us to the Chorus'.

I think I'll go back and listen to the track again, and see what Judgment Calls I can make.

P. S. The final Musical Movement of a Composition is not the 'Outro'.
'Intro.' abbreviates 'Introductory', but there is no 'Outroductory' word.
The final Musical Movement is the 'Coda'.

"That was back in the 70ties on cassettes. Hook 3 times bare (minimum)- is bit dated : Hook once or twice in chorus is usually what's used in 2023 songs
But the rest your saying is true "

The main point of the 'cassettes' story was the Song-Screener, handed the job by people with time too valuable to do it themselves, deciding within 19 seconds whether you had a Song or not.
The technology may have changed but the process probably has not. A 'submission' they agree to let a Songwriter send gets handed to an underling to put 'ears' on and make a Judgment Call, and he decides within 19 seconds whether you get a recommendation back to the 'boss' or a 'pass' to a Secretary who sends you a form letter, "Thank you very much, but we've decided to 'go another way'."
Number of 'hits' on THE Hook? Hmmm...

"If you even get that far in todays market on pitching a song : Which I find futile . If your a staff -writer yes .... Besides that you're dreaming ." And Nashville loves that "


"Ok lets look at one '


"Typical......... hook on top and bottom of chorus. it outros it out on hook" "It also raised hell with liberals" "Hook on top and bottom of chorus that's it" "The rest of it...he works on paying it off" "Try that in a small town". "Personally I like hook once on bottom" "That means the (Writers) spent time paying it off" "Anybody can say the hook a million times"

bennash

I don't think Taylor Swift will ever retire. She's Kinda like Madonna only more "Girl Next Door" and more likeable and much less explicit. Her songs are very approachable and memorable. Madonna is just STRANGE. There's a video of her taking a MILK BATH during the Pandemic time that people should watch to get a glimpse at her mind. She's VERY unusual. Taylor probably just bathes in all her MONEY !!!!!

Thank You - i sent it to a few people who I work with --- I'll have to see if they like it at all.

David

Fdemetrio

It's just a "START" right now. I do a lot of these and take them to my writing appointments here in Nashville and see if anyone like them. Sometimes they end up as Songs but most times times they're just forgotten little musical projects that sleep forever on a Hard Disc !!!!

David

Gary E. Andrews

Yep --- That's a real MASTERCLASS in Songwriting !!!!

Thank You,

David

Yeah bennash,

That one has gotten a lot of Press and a lot of MEDIA Attention outside of the Normal Music Industry Stuff.

It's not my Kinda Song but Fans of Country Music have embraced it !!!

David

My prediction married by 42 and one kid

The point was hook on top and bottom of chorus

You actually dont know if the song had hook on top and bottom of chorus, when written, all you hear is what Aldean and his team did to it.

But pitching is pretty much dead. The only shot you have is to make a damn near record quality recording, and perform it yourself, and hope it gets noticed online.

As far as money, even legendary performers dont make much on recordings any ore, its all free. They still make it performing live..

Even if you managed to write a massive hit, where is the money gonna come from?

Grab your acoustic and play your stuff live. You will make approximately a 100 bucks a night, and you might get a few claps. You can then direct them people to your site.

The internet is so cluttered, i think playing live has a backwards effect now. Go where other people aint

Yup that's it , Not that matters , but yes typical

Well, try that in a small town
See how far ya make it down the road
Around here, we take care of our own
You cross that line, it won't take long
For you to find out, I recommend you don't
Try that in a small town

"He's using all O rhymes. or they did ....written by Kelley Lovelace, Neil Thrasher, Tully Kennedy, and Kurt Allison. 4 writers ... Maybe Kelly had the hook" .

"Even if you managed to write a massive hit, where is the money gonna come from? Publisher , terrestrial radio I guess. Say a signed Sony Staff- Writer"

“Yeah I read the backlash on the song
He gets a lot of heat ….but for millions
I’m sure he can handle it”
Sold his Catalogue for a 100-million... I guess to Sony I forget.

I sent this to one of my Daughters to play around with - She's a Singer / Writer but she's in Grad School and is more into Science than music.

Maybe - She's from a "Normal Family" so it would be hard for me to envision her not wanting a family of her own. I think her mother was pretty sick over the past couple years too. It's hard to be normal in a Fish Bowl and hard to have any kinda normal life when you work as much as she does.

David

I think people / writers "Book-End" Hooks at the beginning and the end of a Chorus all the time. It's a common technique. I prefer "Reserving" the Hook until the End but it really depends on the Song and what the writing team is trying to Acomplish with it. If you're writing something Fun, Catch and Memorable, then I say use the Hook early and often and everywhere. If you going for more "Impact" like a Story Song, then I say Reserve The Hook.

David

Yeah, there's part of America that wants a song like that and part of America Hates a song like that ,,, Kinda like Purple Easter Eggs anf NFL on Thursday Nights

"Right... like Oliver's song. The south went Gaga over his song" "A (Star) over a Youtube Vid... that went viral." " I guess he turned down 8- million on a record -deal" "Or did ... Not sure what he's doing now"" He signed with them " :So he's on to Stardom .. https://www.unitedtalent.com/




4 line pre . Same pre thru-out. "Kinda funny and pros , don't do political songs , So much for their theory" "He basically hit the lottery " "Right song right time"

[Verse 1]
I've been sellin' my soul, workin' all day
Overtime hours for bullshit pay
So I can sit out here and waste my life away
Drag back home and drown my troubles away

[Pre-Chorus]
It's a damn shame what the world's gotten to
For people like me and people like you
Wish I could just wake up and it not be true
But it is, oh, it is

[Chorus]
Livin' in the new world
With an old soul
These rich men north of Richmond
Lord knows they all just wanna have total control
Wanna know what you think, wanna know what you do
And they don't think you know, but I know that you do
'Cause your dollar ain't [naughty word removed] and it's taxed to no end
'Cause of rich men north of Richmond

[Verse 2]
I wish politicians would look out for miners
And not just minors on an island somewhere
Lord, we got folks in the street, ain't got nothin' to eat
And the obese milkin' welfare
Well, God, if you're five-foot-three and you're three-hundred pounds
Taxes ought not to pay for your bags of Fudge Rounds
Young men are puttin' themselves six feet in the ground
'Cause all this damn country does is keep on kickin' them

[Pre-Chorus]
Lord, it's a damn shame what the world's gotten to
For people like me and people like you
Wish I could just wake up and it not be true
But it is, oh, it is

[Chorus]
Livin' in the new world
With an old soul
These rich men north of Richmond
Lord knows they all just wanna have total control
Wanna know what you think, wanna know what you do
And they don't think you know, but I know that you do
'Cause your dollar ain't [naughty word removed] and it's taxed to no end
'Cause of rich men north of Richmond

[Outro]
I've been sellin' my soul, workin' all day
Overtime hours for bullshit pay

Putting THE Hook in Line 1 of a Stanza-Type Chorus, AND at the end, is a strong Structure.

It gives you two 'hits' on THE Hook in each giving of the Chorus, which is likely to be at least twice, four 'hits', driving that Line home in the listener's mind, and memory, if you've got them listening.

If there's a third giving of the Chorus that's six 'hits'. Short Songs, short Verses, a short Chorus, can do that, and still perform, in recorded form, under three minutes, thirty seconds, or less; Radio Friendly. Live play can go on longer. 'Album' recordings or 'Download' streaming can go longer. Internet listening? Maybe longer can still work.

Or a Song can Repeat THE Hook in a Coda, several times to get that 'memorability' factor up.

I like the 'AND' solution rather than the 'EITHER/OR' solution, in many decisions, in Songwriting, and in life. Either Line 1 or the last Line; versus first Line and last Line.

If I'm sixty seconds or more into a Song and you haven't gotten THE Hook to me by then I'm probably drifting off to my own thoughts and will only notice when the Song ends that I've come 'Un-Hooked', not paying attention, not thinking about the Lyric, or the Melody, or the Structure, or the singers, players, and not likely to think, "I'd like to hear that again!" and certainly not, "I'd pay to hear that again!"

Structure may make a great difference in how your tracks for the consideration of others who might write a Lyric to it. If they can hear the Movements, the Change, the Repetition, the Structure, they can write to it. It will impose restrictions on the time/space for delivery of a Lyric, keeping them from droning on with multiple examples of the same idea, or Too Much Exposition in a Verse, a Chorus which, rather than delivering the 'Punch Line', the main idea, does more Exposition.

Adhering to some Time limitations, getting to THE Hook within the first minute, not much later if at all, can make Lyricists pare down their words and get it done within those limitations. You can reasonably stretch the limitations you create to accommodate their ideas. It's malleable, pliable, flexible, at this point. But don't let them make the mistakes that make the difference between 'Hook Factor' memorability and forgettable 'Too Much/Not Enough'.

Three Bears; Goldilocks. 'Just Right'. Enough.

Yeah, Artists have the ability to get their songs out there in a lot of different ways now. They don't need a Label as a Filter or as a Gaitkeeper. I listen to a lot of Unsigned Artists and don't need anything more than an Internet Connection to create and to connect with fans. It's a very exciting time to be an Artist now !!!!


David

Yeah, Like I said earlier ... I think people / writers "Book-End" Hooks at the beginning and the end of a Chorus all the time. It's a common technique. I prefer "Reserving" the Hook until the End but it really depends on the Song and what the writing team is trying to Acomplish with it. If you're writing something Fun, Catch and Memorable, then I say use the Hook early and often and everywhere. If you going for more "Impact" like a Story Song, then I say Reserve The Hook.

I use a lot of different Song FORMS with different writing teams and I'm always learning New Ways to approach Lyric Writing.

David

HEY ... THIS DID FINALLY BECOME A SONG !!!!!

THANK YOU EVERYONE

Well let's hear it!