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A Kiss
by Marilyn Oakley - 03/18/25 02:17 PM
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The Works
by Michael Thomas Ellis - 03/18/25 02:11 PM
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Janita
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/17/25 10:54 PM
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Bonepony
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/16/25 07:01 PM
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,161 Likes: 19
Top 500 Poster
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OP
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,161 Likes: 19 |
Tormented mind
Verse
Caudron of emotion.
An explosion of rage.
A survivor’s conscience.
A storms on the way.
Pre chorus
Body bags and toe tags,
The men at the door.
The collateral damage.
The carnage of war.
Chorus
Collateral damage,
collateral damage
A tormented mind.
Verse
Flashbacks of memories.
The machineguns and bombs.
A dying man crying
Crying out for him mom.
Pre chorus
Body bags and toe tags,
The men at the door.
The collateral damage.
The carnage of war.
Chorus
Collateral damage,
collateral damage
A tormented mind.
Bridge
Never healing wounds.
Scars that remind.
Scars that remind.
Ckiphen
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Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 6,802 Likes: 46
Top 40 Poster
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Top 40 Poster
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 6,802 Likes: 46 |
Yeah, this is better. Its still a bit narrative. I think it be better in first person. But what i really like about your writing is how concise it is. Its hard to say alot with so little, but thats really what songs are, at least pop music, getting as much info as you can in as few words as possible. Unless your writing a B side, and you have the space and time to tell a bigger story. I try to combine it, but its not always easy Take a look at this, in first person, by my boy, The Boss... the details matter too, of course without overdoing it. https://www.flashlyrics.com/lyrics/bruce-springsteen/the-rising-18
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,161 Likes: 19
Top 500 Poster
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OP
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,161 Likes: 19 |
Revision in 1st person.
Tormented mind
Verse
I’m a cauldron of emotion.
An explosion of rage.
I’ve got a survivor’s conscience.
A storms on the way.
Pre chorus
Body bags and toe tags,
The men at the door.
The collateral damage.
The carnage of war.
Chorus
The collateral damage,
collateral damage
of my tormented mind.
Verse
I have flashbacks of memories.
The machineguns and bombs.
I am a dying man crying
Crying out for him mom.
Pre chorus
Body bags and toe tags,
The men at the door.
The collateral damage.
The carnage of war.
Chorus
The collateral damage,
collateral damage
of my tormented mind.
Bridge
These scars my reminders
These wounds that won’t heal.
In my tormented mind
These dreams are still real.
Ckiphen
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Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 6,802 Likes: 46
Top 40 Poster
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Top 40 Poster
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 6,802 Likes: 46 |
Ok, but i think the pre chorus is good, the verses I dono
What's a I’m a cauldron of emotion.
An explosion of rage.
I know what your trying to say, but instead of saying that, whats going on that he's.....
In a caudrin of emotion. Fancy words
It's yours, just trying to offer my opinion
But as they say, opinions are like what, and we all have one
Last edited by Fdemetrio; 10/07/23 04:51 PM.
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