JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum She's doin time (feed back)?

Ch.
She's doin time
That baby of mine
One little white line
And she's doin time
Vs 1
Well she's not a bad girl
It's just a crime of the time
Like her daddy ran moonshine
She pushed the white
Ch
She's doin time
That baby of mine
One little white line
She's doin time
Guitar solo
Vs 2
Now we all know
That justice is blind
But if you ve got the money honey
Shell open her eyes
Vs3
Now things haven't changed much
Since then moonshinin days
Poor girl still playing
In a rich man's game
Ch
She's doin time
That baby of mine
One little white line
She's doin time
Outro
One day at a time
That baby of mine
She's doing time
Baby of mine
Still doin time
She's doin time

I think this would 'play' in under 3:30, possibly under 3 minutes. That's a strength, in regard to the Human attention span, and the length of Songs terrestrial radio likes. Short songs leave more time for Commercial advertising that pays the bills. Getting 'played' can be profitable in Songwriting Royalties and Publishing Royalties. The singer/band who brings it to the public gets a 'name', reputation, that sells 'tickets' to live shows.

I like that you open with the Chorus. It enables the Song-Structure to work the way it does.

(Chorus)
She's doin' time,
That baby of mine!
One little white line,
And she's doin time!

(Verse I)
Well she's not a bad girl!
It's just a crime of the time!
Like her daddy ran moonshine, (Delete 'Like', and just sing, "Her daddy ran moonshine! She pushed the white!")
she pushed the white!

She's doin' time; (Quickly back to a Chorus Repeat, the listener hearing again the Melody and Lyric they 'learned' the first time.)
that baby of mine!
One little white line!
She's doin time!

(Guitar solo.)
(I also refer to this as an 'Instrumental Bridge', serving the same function as a vocal/Lyrical Bridge, breaking Repetition with Change, to sustain 'Hook Factor', keeping the listener 'Hooked', listening, attentively.
For Hook Factor, overall, a Song must have 'Enough' Repetition to supply Structure the listener can comprehend, and 'Enough' Change to keep them Hooked, not lost to monotony.
'Enough', 'Not Enough', 'Too Much', are the Song-Writer's judgment call. Listeners will make their own judgment call, but you, the Song-Writer, the first listener, make those calls in creating the Song.
I suggest the player play the Solo by playing the vocal Melody of the Chorus, those short Lines of Notes, and, after getting 'familiar' with it, embellish it with their own 'innovations', but staying close to that Melody. Any lead player can be 'in tune' and play 'in key', but adhering to the Melody of the Chorus keeps the lead relevant to this particular composition.)

(Verse II)
Now we all know,
that justice is blind! (Delete 'that'?)
But if you've got the money honey, (Delete 'But'?)
she'll open her eyes!

(Verse III) (I think this Structure can work, Repeating two Verses before a third Repeat of the Chorus. Short Lines function well in almost any Song.)
Now things haven't changed much, (Delete 'Now', pronounce 'have not')
since then moonshinin' days. (Do you intend to say, '...since then, moonshinin' days...' or '...since 'them' moonshinin' days... Or, delete 'then/them'?)
Poor girl still playing,
in a rich man's game! (Love the dual meaning of 'Poor' and juxtaposition with 'rich'.)

She's doin' time;
that baby of mine!
One little white line!
She's doin' time!

(Coda)
One day at a time!
That baby of mine!
She's doing time!
Baby of mine!
Still doin' time! (I like 'Still' in there, reminding the listener that 'time' goes on. Local jail slogan; "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime!"
She's doin' time!
(I can imagine some background singers trading 'trailers', echoing Lines in the Coda.)

Thanks for the feed back ya this one is a more structured song of mine i either start with the chorous or don't have one in a song just have a bridge so I like getting to it right away . I also like writing in sentences that way your not one lining into lame rhymes. It seems if you just tell the story like you would in a conversation you can work on rhyming it afterwards. Thanks for the feedback. I have another one that a hit song but I have the prechorous and chorous great hook I need one verse . I've been kick it around in my head for years. Will you check it out write a verse