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Unabashed sentimentality on display here, I'm afraid. Not sure what's come over me these days. 🙄 Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Any suggestions and comments appreciated, as always.

Listen on SoundCloud

WHAT DREAM COULD BE SO SWEET?


Her head rises and falls
With every breath I take
And the smooth smell of her hair
I’m glad to be awake
Why sleep?
What dream could be so sweet
The patter of rain on the window
Whispering tires in the street
What dream could
Could be so
So sweet?

[Violin break]

The first rays of the sun
Tease my eyelids apart
Warm the skin on my skin
Heart next to my heart
Why sleep?
What dream could be so sweet
Soon with a smile she’ll awaken
For now, I’ll pull up the sheet
What dream could
Could be so
So sweet?

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Gavin, pretty good playing for having a broken arm. I'm just getting into BIAB, is that you playing ? If so really nice, if not really nice. I've always thought your productions were really good. I hope to get there. Enjoyed the listen.

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Gavin You write good lyrics, it seems to me you start with the lyric, though im not sure. Beautiful lyrics, maybe one of your best.

I think you've gone Barry Manilow on us!

I dont think you should use 16 measures of violin solo, you dont want to make Biab the star, YOU"RE the star. If anything change or switch up the instruments playing the solo.

But dude, great lyrics, right to the point, no wasted words, descriptive.

Musically you do ok, pretty good melody, I enjoyed.

Last edited by Fdemetrio; 05/01/23 03:34 PM.
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Yep, sweet Gavin!

I would only suggest a more expressive chord/melody change at "Why sleep" smile

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Originally Posted by chesterb
Gavin, pretty good playing for having a broken arm. I'm just getting into BIAB, is that you playing ? If so really nice, if not really nice. I've always thought your productions were really good. I hope to get there. Enjoyed the listen.
Thanks Chester. This is BIAB. If I try a version with me on piano or guitar and then compare this with what I can persuade BIAB to do for me, the latter invariably turns out better smile. Also, I'm not really set up to record all those instruments. So, I start with the lyric and the melody and basic chord progression, usually on the piano and then take it to the "boys in the band." Then I transfer it to my DAW and add any midi instruments I want. I think the program works well for my kind of music, heavy on melody and vocals. It might not work so well for other styles where the instrumentation takes center stage, although it could provide a solid backing allowing those guitar breaks to shine when laid over them. Good luck with the program.

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Originally Posted by Fdemetrio
Gavin You write good lyrics, it seems to me you start with the lyric, though im not sure. Beautiful lyrics, maybe one of your best.

I think you've gone Barry Manilow on us!

I dont think you should use 16 measures of violin solo, you dont want to make Biab the star, YOU"RE the star. If anything change or switch up the instruments playing the solo.

But dude, great lyrics, right to the point, no wasted words, descriptive.

Musically you do ok, pretty good melody, I enjoyed.
Thanks for listening and commenting Fdemetrio. In this case it did start with the lyric. Not always the case. Usually they both kind of happen at the same time. I take your point about the length of the violin solo. It's longer than it might otherwise have been because it expresses the passing from night to morning. To me, the second verse makes more sense after the 16 bars. I guess what it comes down to is whether the listener gets bored with it. smile

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Originally Posted by JAPOV
Yep, sweet Gavin!

I would only suggest a more expressive chord/melody change at "Why sleep" smile
Interesting suggestion, Tony. Care to elaborate? As it is, it just goes from D major at bar 8 (Why) to G major at bar 9 (sleep), then to C major.

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https://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=14590918

That's F/C/G first time around
BdSus/F/G second time smile
------------------------------------------------------
Deleted

Last edited by JAPOV; 05/02/23 08:05 PM.
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So, it's actually the "What dream" part you're talking about? Bdsus? I don't know what that is lol. Do you mean D flat sus, which, transposing back to the G major scale would be A flat sus (Ithink)?

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...1 1 3 3 1 1

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Originally Posted by JAPOV
...1 1 3 3 1 1
I don't follow. Where are those chords supposed to be and why are they different from what you said before, F/C/G first time around BdSus/F/G second time?

Or were you trying to call someone on your phone and accidentally posted here instead? crazy

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Lol... If you can't hear it, then I failed Gav. Never mind...

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Lmao Think I just remembered why I stopped critiquing songs, nobody wants to be critiqued.

But I guarantee when I post my stuff they will be critiqued.

I guess at end of day, were writing fur ourselves. I like to get better, some are satisfied with what they do.

But thanks for the memo

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Originally Posted by JAPOV
Lol... If you can't hear it, then I failed Gav. Never mind...
I haven't got to the hearing part, Tony. I'm trying to understand what 1 1 3 3 1 1 is referring to so that I know what I'm supposed to be hearing. smile I thought maybe you'd gone Nashville numbering on me, so G G Bm Bm G G or C C Em Em C C. But I can't tie that back to what you said before:
"That's F/C/G first time around
BdSus/F/G second time."

FD, I don't know where you're coming from. If I wasn't happy to be critiqued, I wouldn't be trying so hard to understand the critique, which I take as Tony trying to be helpful. With my limited knowledge, I might not be easy to help, but I appreciate it when someone makes the effort lol.

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Lol sometimes not understanding critique is a way of saying I don't care what you say lol

I'm not saying In this instance that's what happened, but I was reminded of where critiques get anyone.
Not doing it any more unless asked...lol

But this is a good lyric and pretty good overall.

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Gavin, this is beautiful, I love the lyrics, and the sweet melody. Loved when the violin came in.
~Marilyn

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Originally Posted by Marilyn Oakley
Gavin, this is beautiful, I love the lyrics, and the sweet melody. Loved when the violin came in.
~Marilyn
Thank you for your kind words, Marilyn.

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I haven't got to the hearing part, Tony. I'm trying to understand what 1 1 3 3 1 1 is referring to so that I know what I'm supposed to be hearing...looks to be tablature for the chord Bbsus2


Steve

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Originally Posted by VNORTH2
I haven't got to the hearing part, Tony. I'm trying to understand what 1 1 3 3 1 1 is referring to so that I know what I'm supposed to be hearing...looks to be tablature for the chord Bbsus2


Steve
Ah yes, of course. I was thrown off by trying to figure out what BdSus was and then where in the song Tony was talking about. That and being a bit dim. Playing around with that chord in the song does result in an interesting switch in mood, as if an alarm clock suddenly goes off and wakes the poor girl up with a jolt lol.

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Good song, Gavin. Love the instrumental. That violin is awesome.
"Warm the skin on my skin" is a bit of an odd phrase, however different and unique.

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its sweet song , you might shorten break to get back into it . maybe not its 2:45 time wise
Cool song

Thats what majors do on that long of a break., They shorten them to stay engaged , Thats radio biz, Some got a solo , But their not very long that I've heard on radio

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Thanks Tom and Ben for listening and your kind comments. Ben, the violin break is long considering the song is so short, but I felt it had to be to express the transition from night to morning. Besides, the listener deserves a break from my singing LOL.

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Truly a lovely song Gavin. Lyrics, Melody, vocal melody...all lovely.

A suggestion, not so much about this particular song.

You have a characteristic habit of landing hard on the beat here and there in your songs.
In this song, to my ear, it sounded like you landed too hard on the first "sweet." Specifically the long e. It sounded like you MAY have gone slightly flat also. To my ear, your melody drops out of the smooth and lovely lane when you do this.

The net-of-it...if you pulled back on some of those landings (softened them) , I think that your vocal melodies would flow a little more smoothly.

DISCLAIMER: I have no credentials that qualify me to give such advice. I just do it anyways. smile

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Oh listening to publishers and all that , Well I feel the same thing on my voice , Can we cover that up a bit. I'm more dated then Orville Redenbackers pop corn

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ha ha ha, Well you don't wanna rain on someones parade on critiues

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Originally Posted by bennash
ha ha ha, Well you don't wanna rain on someones parade on critiues

He has the prerogative to ignore anything written here. We all do.

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Hey Gavin,

My oh my is this beautiful! You have come a long way in this last couple of years. Beautiful melody, beautiful lyrics & concept!

I think FD is correct about the long violin solo--a beautiful solo! However, arrangement-wise, it for me does seem too early for such a long break.......because a long break or solo is inserted when "needed" to relieve the listener's ear. IMO. Even though its a short song, the listener has just gotten engaged and doesn't yet need that long of a break--I wanted to hear where the interesting story was going. I do like introducing the violin at the existing solo point as a "short interlude" and then superseding it with your vocals as you fade out the violin interlude just after the build. In this manner you could then continue utilize the violin with a few short answers topping your vocals, then carry the song out with a violin outro--that's how I would do it.

Having said that, we all perceive our music/lyric canvas differently and for our own reasons--which can be valid of course. I think great songwriters write to keep their listener's engaged. Sometimes that means giving them the icing/medicine in small doses to keep their interest. I think your violin can have more impact by using it thusly.

The song is really "sweet!" - pun intended! Enjoyed it immensely--sugs use or lose.

steady-eddie

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ha ha ha right

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Originally Posted by Sunset Poet
Truly a lovely song Gavin. Lyrics, Melody, vocal melody...all lovely.

A suggestion, not so much about this particular song.

You have a characteristic habit of landing hard on the beat here and there in your songs.
In this song, to my ear, it sounded like you landed too hard on the first "sweet." Specifically the long e. It sounded like you MAY have gone slightly flat also. To my ear, your melody drops out of the smooth and lovely lane when you do this.

The net-of-it...if you pulled back on some of those landings (softened them) , I think that your vocal melodies would flow a little more smoothly.

DISCLAIMER: I have no credentials that qualify me to give such advice. I just do it anyways. smile

Thanks for those kind words, Marty, and for the suggestion. I'm not quite sure that I understand what you mean by landing too hard. Can you explain?

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Originally Posted by E Swartz
Hey Gavin,

My oh my is this beautiful! You have come a long way in this last couple of years. Beautiful melody, beautiful lyrics & concept!

I think FD is correct about the long violin solo--a beautiful solo! However, arrangement-wise, it for me does seem too early for such a long break.......because a long break or solo is inserted when "needed" to relieve the listener's ear. IMO. Even though its a short song, the listener has just gotten engaged and doesn't yet need that long of a break--I wanted to hear where the interesting story was going. I do like introducing the violin at the existing solo point as a "short interlude" and then superseding it with your vocals as you fade out the violin interlude just after the build. In this manner you could then continue utilize the violin with a few short answers topping your vocals, then carry the song out with a violin outro--that's how I would do it.

Having said that, we all perceive our music/lyric canvas differently and for our own reasons--which can be valid of course. I think great songwriters write to keep their listener's engaged. Sometimes that means giving them the icing/medicine in small doses to keep their interest. I think your violin can have more impact by using it thusly.

The song is really "sweet!" - pun intended! Enjoyed it immensely--sugs use or lose.

steady-eddie

Thanks Eddie. Glad you enjoyed it. I totally get the point that you (and FD) make about the solo. I was aware that I was doing something different. As Ben points out, you don't tend to hear solos this long on the radio. On the other hand, you're not likely to ever hear one of my songs on the radio either smile. You make some very interesting suggestions. I don't think I'd go for the violin outro as I think it's quite important for the song to end where it does. I'm going to think about the other suggestions. I don't want to add any more lyrics as I don't have anything else that needs to be said. I did experiment with some background sound effects during the solo, but it sounded contrived and seemed to detract from the simplicity which I think is the song's strength.

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Well you can copy radio , I said nothing on being on it lol

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Lots of good here; but it may need a little work. I really felt an Al Stewart/Donovan vibe. (Inspiration?)



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A pretty song,knowing your sense of the ridiculous and humour I thought your companion might have been a fury friend initially.
Poetic and pleasant Gavin
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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You have improved Gavin, you old romantic you.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

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Originally Posted by Travis david
A pretty song,knowing your sense of the ridiculous and humour I thought your companion might have been a fury friend initially.
Poetic and pleasant Gavin
John
Thanks John. That is a problem I tend to encounter with songs of mine that aren't intended to be funny. People start laughing in anticipation, realize after a line or two that it was the wrong reaction and then look uncomfortable and embarrassed. Of course, there are other reasons why listening to a song of mine could provoke that reaction lol.

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Originally Posted by Vicarn
You have improved Gavin, you old romantic you.

Vic
Hard to believe it's possible when I was already so good smile But seriously, thanks for the kind words and, yes, I am an old romantic in the face of all the odds, a triumph of hope over experience for the most part LOL.

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ha ha , Like Kanye West , I'm a God i'm a genuis , The only regret I have is not being able to see myself live

Last edited by bennash; 07/30/23 08:30 AM.

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