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by Fdemetrio - 04/25/24 01:36 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/24/24 10:25 AM
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by Sunset Poet - 04/24/24 08:09 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/23/24 10:08 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/23/24 12:41 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/22/24 10:39 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/22/24 11:04 AM
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by Rob B. - 04/21/24 08:40 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/20/24 03:22 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/20/24 12:36 PM
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Joined: Jan 2005
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Lonely Room
You can plant roses in my heart but it wouldn't matter Cause when you leave me the thorns would draw blood forever after And the rains only nourish the sorrow that only blooms Day after day,in my lonely room
You can paint a rainbow in the sky so beautifully formed But when you leave me in an instant i can't weather the storm And the never ending lightning flash and the rolling thunder's boom Rattles my heart,in my lonely room
In my lonely room,it's never easy You come and you go,it only scares me In my lonely room,here all alone Wondering how to stay,when you're gone In my lonely room
No matter the situation we have it's like a puzzle in the dark A piece goes missing it's always the piece leading to your heart I feel you're cheating at this game and i find out much later than soon At my time of thoughts,in my lonely room
In my lonely room,it's never easy You come and you go,it only scares me In my lonely room,here all alone Wondering how to stay,when you're gone In my lonely room In my lonely room In my lonely room
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Joined: May 2007
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Hi Mike,
So much imagery in these lines! Really quite lovely. The line with "soon" in that last verse may need a rethink to make it conversational. But the emotion is all there and you repeat the hook to drive home the empty, lonely feelings. Really well-written!
Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Beautiful and Sad. It's funny as we must be on the same melancholy wave length tonight. I just wrote this ten minutes ago.....
"What Can I Do" A Little prose from me late tonight. (This is Fiction)
What can you do If you can't get along What can you do If you don't sing the same song
What can you do When you don't feel you belong What can you do When nobody's right and nobody's wrong
I guess you just do your best And let the chips fall where they may Tomorrow is coming soon And with it a brand new day
So I'm tired and ready for sleep Or maybe just lay down and weep I'll give another try tomorrow Yes I have to go to sleep.
Yes MUST SLEEP....B
Mike your Story is really wonderful...I felt it all in my heart....B
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Quite wordy Mike without a hope for the future. I think maybe a glimmer of hope? Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Dec 2016
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Mike,
There's so much to like about this one. Some beautiful lines and imagery. In particular, my favorite; "And the rains only nourish the sorrow that only blooms"--just killer. And I like the structure of how each verse finishes on the refrain of "lonely room". I think there's some opportunity for refinement of language, which could take this from the really great to the truly awesome--e.g., I don't think the third verse is a tight and consistent with theme as the first two. But of course, just my humble opinion.
This is a terrific start to something really good. Will look forward to hearing it.
All the best,
Deej
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Joined: Jan 2005
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Hello Kristi,thanks for giving this a bit of your time. Mike
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Thanks Barry,hangin' ten on the wavelength! Mike
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Hi Travis,yep,all hope is lost here,no heroes in this story.Mike
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Hey Deej,i appreciate your visit and thoughts on this one.First write so could be changes ahead. Mike
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Very sad Mike, but then I like sad.
Vic
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Hey Vic,good to see ya.Thanks for the time.Mike
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Joined: Feb 2018
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Just the word soon at the end of the line seems a bit odd although I don't know what you would replace it with to rhyme with room, everything else is wonderful.
Just a writer of words
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 134
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
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Just the word soon at the end of the line seems a bit odd although I don't know what you would replace it with to rhyme with room, everything else is wonderful.
Just a writer of words
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