JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Our Day in the Sun

This one reads as though it could have been a sequel to the one I just posted on Forum 2 concerning the retired librarian. However, this one's inspiration goes back, and it's been 17 years in the making. A lady in an adjoining office to where I was working at the time left a note on her last day on the job. It started out just like the beginning of this piece. At the time I got the idea to wrap a song around this, and it just now got in print.


OUR DAY IN THE SUN

c2015 Brian Beecher


The note that you left said “I’m leaving now”
So long, I’ll miss you, take care
These last few days I have looked for you
But I realized you were not there

May the force of good luck be forever with you
As I wish it to be there for me too
For whatever we both choose to do

We brought meaningful change to each other’s lives
Though in the long run things didn’t hold
There are many more steps to be taken you see
Before we reach each other’s goals

Nothing good lasts forever it seems
But you’ll have a place somewhere in my dreams
Though it broke my heart to see you leave

Knowing you as I did was a dream come true
I’ll treasure the time that I spent with you
I always loved hearing what you had to say
Couldn’t believe I could ever be so swept away

As the elevator rises toward my lonely floor
I feel a sense of doubt that I’ll see you once more
Don’t know what lies ahead but when all’s said and done
I never forget our day in the sun

Tapping into such a buried desire
Would really put me to the test
It hadn’t been that way for twenty-five years
Those good times were the very best

You had me hoping I wouldn’t be all alone
But now you’re telling me it’s time to go
And I’m wishing it wasn’t so

Knowing you as I did was a dream come true
I’ll treasure the time that I spent with you
I always loved hearing what you had to say
Couldn’t believe I could ever be so swept away

As the elevator rises toward my lonely floor
I feel a sense of doubt that I’ll see you once more
Don’t know what lies ahead but when all’s said and done
I’ll never forget, never forget, our day in the sun

Hi Brian, this is very well written if not a bit long. It seems to keep meandering through the same ideas written differently way longer than it has to be. If you just took the last four stanzas off, I think it would really shape this one up. 'Course that's just my observation. Other than that, it flowed well and the writing was excellent throughout. Keep on keepin' on!

Brian, you've got to strike while the iron is hot!

In what context do you mean this quote? If you are talking about pitching the song, you're absolutely correct in amping up the communication network to a whole next level. But the cost of doing so, for me at least, is prohibitive unless able to get a business loan for the purpose. I usually don't do pruning to my lyrics because it cuts the heart out of the story.

Hi Brian,

I like how this is the singer reading a letter throughout. At least I think that’s what’s happening. With this line: “Though it broke my heart to see you leave”, I’m wondering who left? Or is this still the letter?

I agree with Wes in that, you could shorten it and keep the emotional impact. Remember just the fact that there’s a letter tells us there was something memorable there and if you repeat the chorus and we hear the hook more, it could provide us with that emotion of the story too.

I like the elevator image and storyline there in the chorus. It’s easy to follow and brings out bittersweet feelings.

Good luck with it!

Kristi

Hi Brian,

I agree with the comments from Kristi and Wes!
It's a sweet write, but I think it meanders around and could be tightened up nicely!

Lisa

Thanks all of you for commenting on this one. This was a story inspired by a note left by someone at one of my former workplaces, and dabbled to see what kind of story I could get from it, and this is the result. Peace.