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this is one of the first songs i've written. any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. thanks
"Rebekah"
v1)
i hear your footsteps comin down the lane
the waves crash upon the shore
tell me if it's night or a cloudy day
i can't tell anymore
i look down that gravel road
but there ain't no one to see
i guess that it's only your memory
comin back to haunt my dreams
Chorus)
i ain't gonna ask for forgiveness
i ain't gonna ask for nothin from you
i guess i got what i deserved
i broke your heart and then you broke mine, too
v2)
when i stare at the big sky at night
i wonder if you're alright out in tucson
cause i right you letters everyday, but i never mail 'em
cause i know it's been far too long
i remember your green eyes cryin
and your dark hair blowin in the breeze
i don't think there's anythin sadder than that
i seen it ever night in my dreams
repeat chorus
v3)
i tried my best to forget about you
but it didn't work, not a single time
i've seen other girls come and go
but you still remain on my mind
i still keep a picture of you
in the back pocket of my jeans
but i know i'll never see you again
except for tonight in my dreams.

any thoughts welcome, the harsher, the better. thanks
tom

I like the imagery. Good first line. The last line of the chorus doesn't make sense to me, and sounds whiney.

Would this help?:
When I broke your heart oh God I broke mine too.

I too like the imagery...but I think we can make this a little less wordy (not knowing what type of melody you have for this)...and also since this is called "Rebekah"...like to see her name in there somewhere...

Suggestion:

v1)
hear your footsteps comin down the lane
the waves crash upon the shore
tell me if it's night or a cloudy day
i can't tell anymore

i look down that gravel road
but there ain't no one to see
Rebekah it's only your memory
comin back to haunt my dreams

Chorus)
ain't gonna ask for forgiveness
ain't gonna ask for nothin from you
Rebekah, i got what i deserved
broke your heart and then mine broke too

v2)
I stare at the big sky at night
Wonder if you're alright out in tucson
Write you letters everyday, but never mail 'em
I know it's been far too long

Rebekah, I remember your green eyes cryin
Your dark hair blowin in the breeze
Don't think there's anythin sadder than that
I see it every night in my dreams

repeat chorus

v3)(and maybe use this as a bridge)
tried my best to forget about you
it didn't work, not a single time
i've seen other girls come and go
but you still remain on my mind

still keep a picture of you
in the back pocket of my jeans
and i know i'll never see you again
except for every night in my dreams.

Just my 2 cents to cash or save...but good work over all...

dylan... welcome to the board!! like the others said... great images in this one. check the rhyme scheme though, it seems to jump around to me. welcome again and i look forward to reading more of your stuff!! scotty

thanks everybody for your thoughts. i'll try workin on a rewrite.