JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Vagabond (fourth version)

Okay, here's a fourth version! Thanks so much to Vic, Bill, Bluesriff, Douglas, Stan, Pop, Bugsey, Dave, Phil, John and Colin. I used all of your suggestions, either directly or in some form or other! Any other thoughts?! Lisa

Vagabond (version 4)

I started down a winding road
A skeptic with a heavy load
I met you, such a gentle soul
You had the gift of rock-n-roll

We sailed the oceans, you and I
Some nights your music made me cry
Those days of sun were heaven sent
My heart was melting, away we went

Chorus
Like happy vagabonds
We rolled along
Our love as free as a summer's breeze
Thinking nothing could go wrong
We drifted on a song
Like happy vagabonds

BRIDGE
But we were wrong

You placed some flowers in my hair
I swear I saw your soul laid bare
You played a lullaby for me
That night I lost you to the sea

The first time that our baby cried
I heard your music in the tides
Turns out we made a gentle soul
She has the gift of rock-n-roll

Like happy vagabonds
We roll along
Our love as free as a summer's breeze
Thinking nothing can go wrong
We drift on a song
Like happy vagabonds

Sometimes she plays your lullaby
As we sit and watch the tides
My sweet vagabond, goodbye

(c) 2013, Lisa Gundling


(Version One)
Vagabond

I started with a skeptic's heart
Down a long winding road
I met a man, a gentle soul
He had the look of rock-n-roll

I traveled with him by my side
He carried his guitar
Those days of sun were heaven sent
My heart was melting as we went

CHORUS
Like happy vagabonds
We wandered along
Our love as free as a summer's breeze
Drifting on a song
Like happy vagabonds

He placed some flowers in my hair
My fingers ran through his
He played a lullaby for me
That night I lost him to the sea

BRIDGE
I'd screamed out to the sea
It crashed and roared
But he couldn't hear me
Anymore

His old guitar washed up on shore
His baby grew in me
Turns out we made a gentle soul
She had the look of rock-n-roll

CHORUS
Like happy vagabonds
We wandered along
Our love as free as a summer's breeze
Drifting on a song
Like happy vagabonds

Sometimes she plays your lullaby
My vagabond, goodbye

(c) 2013, Lisa Gundling

Lisa: This is a great story, touching, but I was nearly shocked when I read the line "That night I lost him to the sea", especially after the tender tones of flowers, fingers through hair, lullaby. Wow. Why? What circumstances led him/you to such a fate?

Do you have a recording of this?

Is there a way to develop a transition which explains how "you got there" so that he was lost?

Pop

I would gather she lost him at sea off a boat of some kind.

Lisa, it's a good write, as pop pointed out, the losing him at sea might happen too abruptly.

You have this nice 60's type of "woodstock" story of falling in love,

Maybe as he reached to put the flowers in your hair he fell off, or maybe a storm came and he fought to keep the boat alive.

I think it mostly works, but that might be an issue.

Good Luck, Good Write Lisa!

A nice, wistful story from the pen of an ex-hippie.

ya got a good start here Lisa but i kinda don't like the drowning bit .Maybe she could have just woke up and he was gone,ya know like vagabonds do,i guess.I really like the "look of rock and roll" lines that you have!i guess the bond was vague,get it?ho ho,Mike

Hi Lisa, maybe something like this would lead you into the tragedy:
We sailed the oceans him and I
He played his sweet guitar
Those days of sun were heaven sent
My heart was melting as we went

CHORUS
Like happy vagabonds
We rolled along
Our love as free as a summer's breeze
Drifting on a song
Like happy vagabonds

Use or lose.

Vic

Hi Lisa,

Nicely done.
Perhaps they were on a cruise & he found Kurt's bong ??

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Pop,

Thanks so much for your nice visit! Yes, I can see now that the drowning occurred without enough warning. I wrestled with this song and various scenarios a lot. I was messing with it some more, after reading your comment and others, and then I saw that Vic had posted some great fixes to it. I've added Vic's changes and I may be adding some additional ones.

Regarding the flowers in the hair, lullaby lines...I was trying to build up to a wedding of sorts with the flowers in the hair, and the baby coming with the lullaby. I wanted the listener to think that he knew about the baby. Regarding a recording -- I don't do music, so I don't have one.

Your comments and feedback were very helpful....thanks so much!

Lisa

Hi Bugsey,

Yes, you're right, and as I just mentioned to Pop, I think that Vic's changes are spot on to help that situation, and I've incorporated them into the lyric now. Thanks so much for your thoughtful feedback and helping me to rectify the weak spots!

Lisa

Hi Jim,

Thanks!! I think I just missed being a hippie -- I was more of the Disco Duck era -- lol! Or maybe Disco DOG....

Lisa

Hey Michael,

I went through various scenarios with this, but I really wanted the baby in here and didn't like the idea of having him walk away from the baby or to walk away without knowing. I originally didn't have the bridge, which then sort of left it open as to whether he sailed away on the sea or died in the sea.

I do think that Vic's changes make this sound ever so much better, so maybe you'll sail in here again with your mind changed?!

Also, bond, vague, ho, ho! Thanks for your thoughts on this!

Lisa

Hi Vic,

Wow -- I LOVE your great changes and I'm definitely using them -- don't ever want to lose them! They honed right in on the problem and you made it look so simple -- thank you so much for your solutions!

Lisa

Hi Calvin,

I think you're confused about where you are. Kurt's bong belongs in Willie's song! Besides, this doesn't take place on the Colorado River....!

Thanks for your NICE visit!

Lisa

Wow, Lisa, this has a Joan Baez, sound to the lyrics, it's beautifully written. I like the rewrite, it tells the story with meaning and vivid imagery. You should definitely try to put this one to music. It FOLK ROCKS! It let me glance back to the sixties, for a brief moment.

Love this Song

Summer

Hi Summer,

I'm so delighted that you enjoyed this -- I'm so glad it's FOLK ROCKIN' for you! THANKS!!

Lisa

Way Cool Write, Mz MD!!!

Sad t'see The Heartthrob killed-off so soon..heh!

Onliest Sug I can offer is "My SWEET vagabond, Goodbye" for your Tag. (KOS) Just a hint of affection there's an improvement, JMO.

Good Luck with a Very-Enjoyable Tale, M'LadyChum!
Best Wishes, Big Hugs, & a Wee FHS,
Stan

Hi Stan,

Hey -- I like that "sweet" change! I didn't make it before because Vic didn't tell me to!


Thanks for the cool comment and help -- I made the change!

Lisa

Just so as not to repeat the sea, maybe the bridge has you screaming at the waters or the waves...

Then again, because Vic didn't tell you (love that line), maybe you shouldn't make the change

Hi John --Oh, good point...I'm running off now but I'll work on that later today! I have actually written another bridge altogether, but I keep staring at it. But yes, I'm waiting for Vic. A little like Waiting for Godot, perhaps! lol! Thanks for your visit and help!-- Lisa

Nice one Lisa,

I like the way one gentle soul with the look of rock and roll was replaced with another - his daughter - at the end.

Just wondered about the use of 'to the sea' in the first line of the bridge and the one preceding. Change one to ocean or the waves maybe.

Phil.

Hello Lisa. Good start here on a good sad love song. I do have some "nits" though and so here they are. As is the flow is off, I cannot "sing" along as I read. Your pattern of rhyme doesn't match:

I started with a skeptic's heart
Down a long winding road
I met a man, a gentle soul
He had the look of rock-n-roll [Has a flow so to speak but find the "heart/road/soul/roll" awkward.]

We sailed the oceans him and I
He played his sweet guitar
Those days of sun were heaven sent
My heart was melting as we went [Same here, "I/guitar/sent/went"]

The chorus/hook is really good but right now IMO the story of the young lovers doesn't blend well and I was thrown off by it.

CHORUS
Like happy vagabonds
We rolled along
Our love as free as a summer's breeze
Drifting on a song
Like happy vagabonds


I am trying to get out what I find that is not working but sometimes I cannot find the words other then re-write.

douglas

Pity he had to secum to the briny.I like Mike's vagabond idea though.Good one Lisa
Travis

Nicely done, Lisa.

Bill

I like this but "We sailed the oceans, him and I" would have to be he and I to be grammatically correct. It sticks out presently because the rest is not slangy.

I have one big nit Lisa.....that I didn't get to this SOONER!
You've got some really good stuff...but this one I think is one of your best....or at least it's turning out to be with some excellent help and suggestions.
Too many great lines and twists (death/baby) to pick just one.
I LOVE the build up to your chorus with a flip in rhyming scheme on the last two lines to give the chorus more POP.

You slipped in the death and baby so subtly that it seemed to all fall into place with near perfect timing and story-telling.

IF I were to squawk about anything, it would be to say that your story surrounding your chorus' is TOO good! (WTF!)
If that's the case then the music has got to be spot on, to at least maintain the drama you've already drummed up in your killer story/verses.

In your song, (IMO) your chorus has got to rise ABOVE the verses to put one huge friggin exclamation point on this well told story.
Again, I see nothing wrong with your chorus but in the midst of such a beautiful story, it was a little soft, comparatively.

If you can match this story up with music that captures the mood, story, changes........wow...I mean, WOW!
Work that hook !!

This is my fav lyric post over the last couple of months.
You should consider a submission.
Great Job, Lisa.

Hi Phil,

Thanks so much for your nice comments, and I will be changing that part of the bridge! I have another bridge in mind, too, but I keep vacillating!

Lisa

Hi Douglas,

I really appreciate your comments about the thyme scheme and flow....I don't have the ear that you have, so it helps for me to hear that! (give me that ear -- stop hogging it -- lol!) Anyway, you obviously have me thinking -- thanks for your helpful visit!

Lisa

Btw, after reading your response to Douglas, and then his comment, I've got to say that as a fellow non-singer, non-musician I can sing it fine. I guess we live in our own alternate universe Ya want me to do the music and vocal?

Hey Travis,

Yes, off to the briny...

I know what you mean about Michael's thought about him just disappearing...it has its appeal as a storyline, but like I said, then there's the issue of the baby....!

Thanks for stopping by!
Lisa

Hi Bill,

Thanks so much -- I'm delighted that you could hear this! Of course, the first thing that came to my mind when I wrote this was that you'd do the vocal. However, we did meet at Pineyfest way back when, and I can honestly say that flowers in your hair might not do you justice. A big sunflower perched atop your head, a crown of little white roses, two daisies pinned to your ears...nothing works, to my way of thinking....oh, and then there's the pregnancy issue.....I won't even go there...laughing....

Lisa

Lisa--

This is a very nice song IDEA--With all the changes, you'll have one to be proud of!

Write on--

Mackie

Hi Colin,

Thanks so much for pointing that out the error-- I fixed it! (It's interesting that "him and I" somehow looks and sounds okay to me, but "her and I" does not look look or sound right!)

Thanks for your nice visit!

Lisa

Hi Blues,

Wow -- thank you for your great encouragement and suggestions! You've inspired me to keep working on this! That's an interesting observation about the chorus, in relation to the verses. I'll need to sit and really think that through!

I appreciate your feedback and help -- thanks!

Lisa

Hi Mackie,

More encouragement to keep working at it -- THANKS!!

Lisa

I made some additional changes to this, based on your feedback. The third rewrite is posted above. I tried to build up a little more suspense, so that the surprise doesn't hit without warning, as many of you pointed out! Any thoughts? Thanks! -- Lisa

Any thoughts? OK. A couple of grammatical things, and I'm not an English expert, but they just feel right to me. I'd make it "we'd made a baby" and "I screamed". You can keep the same d and just move it a few lines And the guitar washing up seems a little strange to me. Did he go out himself in a boat at night with his guitar? Anyway, I'd do something different with that line- I'll leave it up to you what.

Bill

Hi Bill,

Oops -- I didn't make it clear! I had posted a third version/rewrite above the second version/rewrite!

Coincidentally, I had actually gotten rid of all three of those things you mentioned!

I'm sorry for the confusion and thanks for pointing those things out!

Lisa

I'll have to look around more carefully in the future, lol. Anyway, it's good to know that great minds think alike.

It was my bad (not great English either, I don't think -- lol)! I just amended my comment and the title to make it more clear! It gets confusing with all the rewrites, I know!

And yes...great minds! I kept worrying about that guitar washing up. But I did have the boat situation in mind, though only I know what's in my mind!

Thanks again!
Lisa

ok, we're talking version 3 here, right? I was a little troubled going to "you" in the tag, and was going to suggest changing it. But I've changed my mind. I would take him from third to second person for the entire song. The only little contortion would be "I met a man". And I'd change "his baby" to "our baby"

Bill

I was thinking maybe he was a midget (can I say that??) and had paddled out to sea in a big acoustic guitar.

Hey Bill -- I'm running out now but will come back to review your suggestions -- I had to jump in and say that paddling out to sea in the big guitar...I can't stop laughing! I had NEVER looked at it that way, just like you made me see the elderly dog walker in a different light! Sheesh! -- Lisa

One last thing. I see rock 'n roll as a state of being more so than an appearance. I'd change the work "look" to something like "feel", tho I don't know that that's the best word, to convey a freedom or emotional state rather than physical.

Sweet...looking good!!!

one more teeny tiny sugg to give a little more flooooow into the chorus.....

Those days of sun were heaven sent
My heart was melting, AWAY we went

Chorus
Like happy vagabonds
We rolled along

This is smokin' !!

"The first time that his baby cried
I heard his music in the tides
Turns out we made a gentle soul
She had the look of rock-n-roll"

....THIS was a GREAT change.....nice to see subtle but effective changes to the flow. Really understanding the value of the collaborative group here.

Pop

Lisa,

Much, much better. It's really coming together. Since I haven't offered anything yet....I'd better now.

"She had the look of rock-n-roll"

- To "She has the look..."

Good going.

Dave

Hey Lisa, I didn't know you were waiting for me. Wassup?
Vic

Hi Bill,

I've posted Version 4 above! I think I've used all of your suggestions, including the "gift" of rock-n-roll. After I changed this to the second person, that sounded more natural anyway, given the fact that she's singing directly to him!

Thanks so much for all your help!

Lisa

That's why we're all here, to try to help each other. Glad I could make a contribution to an already wonderful lyric. Good luck with it.

Mmmmm , now maybe change up chorus 2 so that you and the child are the happy vagabonds

Chorus
Like happy vagabonds
We roll along
My love's as free as a summer's breeze
Thinking nothing can go wrong
We drift on a song
Like happy vagabonds