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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 2,891 Likes: 6
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 2,891 Likes: 6 |
Hi Dottie
I think you could do so much more with this. First off, I like the chorus, it could be very powerful, except for when you go into the hook line (Nothing Left To Win) because it doesn’t resolve (rhyme). If you want to retain this hook I suggest making your “Burn across the land” line rhyme with ‘win’.
The opening verse reads like a middle section of a song so could be confusing for the listener (it was for me). I think you need a couple of good scene setting lines here.
It’s stirring stuff so worth spending some time on so it hits home.
Cheers
Nige
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