I saw this song in the mentor Critique forum and it was one of two songs that I was hoping Harriet would critique. In my opinion, this song has a few flaws but is the most easily fixable of all the songs on that forum this week.

The music is solid and the feel is very much like something I would hear on a Bonie Raite album. The song is working best when it is the most uncomplicated.

"I'm not saying let go"; "I'm not pushing you away" "You'll be the first to know" all sound natural and fit right in. When you start to get cute with word play like "the deju vu is making it hard to breath", it loses it's charm and naturalness. I would bet the farm that your favorite line is that one- and you would rather cut your arm off than cut it out but it isn't working. "Making it hard to breathe" is natural if you could couple it differently. You said it in one of your lines- "less is more". This song is completely fixable. You need to give the singer more space. Here is one way to do it:

I'm not sayin' let go
I'm just saying take it slow
I'm not pushin' you away
Stay, but here is what you need to know

[chorus]
when I can
you'll be the first to know
when I can
I'll never want to let you go
you'll never hear me say no
I'll say when...
when I can

You're so close, it's hard to breathe
I'm just hopin' that you'll see
This feeling is like deja vu
time is what I need from you

[chorus] x2
when I can
you'll be the first to know
when I can
I'll never want to let you go
you'll never hear me say no
but I'll say when
when I can

oh when I can

I can see that it's you
but you're too close- it's hard to breathe
.



"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein