Loony Lim'ricks
Volume 1
©2007 James M Quillen

I knew "Off" keeps gnats out of eyes
And "Raid" blasts wasps from the sky
But I thought I'd pass
When someone asked,
"Swat's the best way to kill a fly?"

Fancy grade "A" apples, well firmed,
Get me most upset and concerned
After that last juicy bite
When to my horror and fright
I discover half a wrm!

'Twas asked of a Creole named Ledoux,
"See any weird clothes in the bayou?"
Said he, "I can't say
That it's ev'ry day
But, yes, on a-cajun I do."

"Happiness," says punster Grace,
"Is a pun of such poor taste
That the premise
Leaves a grimace
On a groaned man's face."

Supper was at five thirty-four.
The grownups kept reaching for more.
And when they had finished,
They said, "Eat your spinach."
But tweren't mine, never saw it before.

His wife completes half her mission:
Delivers a twin in good condition.
Jokes printer, "I must confess,
It looks hot off the press."
Says she, "It's just the first edition!"

Wrestler to seamstress, "You're a bore."
But he won't call her that no more.
You should of heard him scream
And shout things obscene
When she pinned him to the floor.

Mornings up around Watts Bar
Must be the foggiest by far.
I'm told on the worst days
Folks tote to their driveways
Metal detectors to find their cars.

A softball pinch runner named Bright
Got saved in church on Sunday night
But the word's got around
By the preacher he was found
Back sliding the very next night!

The Mime
In grease paint his glib face glistens,
The stage is set yet something's missin'.
With great skill he gives all,
Leaves ev'ry eye enthralled,
So handily he speaks but no one listens.

A metric advocate, Ms. Jeeter,
Says she'll debate Millie and beat her,
But we know it's a cinch
Millie won't budge an inch,
So why should Millie meet 'er?

At others' aches and pains I retreat,
Quick exits, detours across the street,
But I'd sympathize,
Be all ears and eyes
To a centipede with sore feet.

The new bank employee, Ms. Keller,
Made sure everyone could smeller.
She had on so much perfume
She overpowered the room
But no one had the nerve to teller.

'Twas said of baseball pitcher Lemieux
The older he got the harder he thrieux
Till no one even saw
His blazing fastball
At the age of a hundred and tieux!

I've got a skydiving friend
Who visits me now and then.
She arrives in the fall,
Never bothers to call-
Out of the blue she just drops in.

Says an old politician named Bud,
"Your av'rage voting mind is a dud.
It can't seem to remember
What's presidential timber
And what's just a stick in the mud."

A dance teacher did issue
Footwear made solely of tissue
Then told her charges
(All small, no larges)
"Let's try a little soft-shoe."

A mean rooster named Augustus
Attacked it's owner, Po Custus.
Po got so irate
That bird he cooked and ate
And called it Po 'et it justice!