JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Bluelitenin/Gerry Collab - Another Story For Another Day

Hi, you two!

Gerry, I thought your voice was fine. I liked it because it was warm, rich and real sounding.

The following critique and suggestions are just my opinion and what I would personally like to hear and relate to, so please keep that in mind as you read it.

At first I found the melody of the chorus kind of interesting but then later it didn't feel right to me. It doesn't seem to fit with the melody of the verses. It really seems more suitable for a bridge that is heard once because of the different feeling.
A good chorus that sticks in your mind is the backbone of any song. So maybe rethink the melody of the chorus.

In the first 6 lines of each verse, there are notes and "spaces" that seem held out too long. It makes it sound hesitant as if the melody is not quite fitting the lyrics.

The last 2 lines of the verses sound right though, so maybe quicken the tempo on those first 6, (or adjust the lyrics by adding some "helping words" or some other kind of editing )and add just a brief pause or rest happen at the end of each couplet to kind of punctuate the melodic phrase.

Lyrically, the content of the verses and chorus seem pretty solid. The weakest part is the bridge. I would like to hear the lyrics tell a little more about the relationship, about not saying how much he loved her etc, looking back there are things he should have done etc.

I would leave out what he should have told the bartender. IMO It's what he should have done that is the important part of the song, not that he couldn't bear to tell people about it.

String ensemble sounds are my favorite but I would leave them out really. I would like to hear acoustic guitar with a maybe a solo string instrument coming in toward the end of each verse, providing a harmony for the melody in those lines. That would help create the plaintive, moody feeling that I think you are going for in this song. The string ensemble sound that is there is just "filler" and sounds like it. If you do keep it in, use it sparingly and only as an accent.

My first reaction towards tempo is that it should be picked up a little. But then I thought about the song "Please Come To Boston." Loggins I think. Anyway his song is fairly slow in tempo but he picks up ever so slightly in the chorus and changes the meter and rhythm there and it's very effective. I don't usually like bringing up another artist's songs, but what he does in that song is kind of what I mean so I mentioned it.

Anyway, I've gone on and on so long it's like reading the morning paper. Good luck with this.


JeanB